SRS What a man hasto do to win back his wife.. ?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Jason H, Sep 10, 2009.

  1. Jason H

    Jason H Active Member

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    Okay guys, so I mentioned this in Off-topic about 2 weeks ago and deleted the thread. In any case I'm posting it here.

    I've been married 3 years, together with my wife for 4. Now the past 3 years have gradually gone down the shitter and the past year has sucked.

    The problem has been me.

    Now the past 6 months we've discussed separation and I've gone on asking people for advice and the majority have favored cut it off and end it.

    Now my closest friend and his father, who I've known since I was 13 (I'm 23 now) have gone on to say "She cooks, cleans, does everything. Jason don't let her go or you'll regret it for the rest of your life". I brushed it off for the most part.

    Well I guess the breaking point was 2 weeks ago. She kept pushing me to sign the papers and I avoided it. In the back of my mind I was hopen I could turn this around but at that point I had been sayen it was over.

    But than we started canoeing, doing the grouse grind, going to Stanley park, the beach. Hell we had our first concert together, blink 182.

    In any case she finally showed me the papers and said she wanted them signed. I felt pressured and said fine. I signed in front of her, my buddy kyle, and his father. His dad signed, as a witness.

    Forward a few days, I ask if she's seeing anyone because I'm regretting it. She says yes.

    My heart sinks, I go speechless. I ask who, she says my buddy. The one who I signed in front of, the one who I was friends with since I was 13.

    It felt like I got kicked in the chest, I hung up. I got mad, threw my bottle (was on break @ work). I went downstairs to my forklift I drive, it was 10pm. I was like the last guy left, supervisor asked if I was ok. I broke down said I had to go.

    He sent me home, I confronted her asking a few q's. I left. I sat at a train station bench for 3 hours. I froze my ass off and almost fell asleep.

    I went home, she was asleep. I went off on facebook to him, his dad, my wife. I deleted it 30 mins later apologizing.

    In any case it's been 2 weeks since she's told me.

    We live together still, shes in the other room.

    I've gone on to watch Fireproof and start this "love dare" thing which at this point is in the air considering it's not meant for people in my situation where the woman is already seeing someone.

    Anyways I've started to get up at 4:30am to get breakfast ready, I do the dishes, help around the house, cook for her. I spend quality time with her watching movies, reading books, tv. I just went Rock climbing with her on Saturday. I'm doing all these things to win her back.

    She goes on to say "Too little, too late" and "I'm not changing my mind". But the rays of hope are the nights we talk and spend together or the days I help her at work. I'll see her from 5am to about 4pm before she'll head out to see her 'date/bf'. I've taken a month off of work, stress leave.

    I've literally reinvented myself and changed EVERYTHING. She asks where this new Jason was 6+ months ago. I told her better late than never. I'm here now to try and fix it. If not for her I hafto do this for myself or else I'll never be happy or find happyness again.

    I didn't realize what I had until I lost it, now I'm fighting tooth and nail to get it back. I told her "You gave me 6+ months, I'll give you 12 months until the divorce papers are signed. You want me out before than or you get serious with buddy by than fine. But I'll stay and continue being the way I am".

    I laid it out to her the other night like that, she said "I don't wanna be with you, I want you to be with buddy. But down the line, I don't know".

    I just hope to god nothing serious happens. I love her with all my heart, yea I fucked up. I fucked up bad.

    But I've never seen anyone fight for a woman like I have, to do what I do with her and to continue to live with her despite me having to give her up every night to douche-bag. Yea I did that to her for that time, but atleast I wasn't being with someone.

    I'm trying to right my wrongs and wait to see if she comes around. Atleast I can come out ontop knowing I tried and come out a better man. Just hurts so much :wtc:.

    I should hope for the best, I do. But the thought that she cuddles with him, kisses him. She says she hasn't had sex with him but the thought if they did, or even if she or he touches each other or does things... it kills me inside. But I know if I ever want her back I would hafto swallow that bitter pill.

    I just want her back :wtc:
     
  2. Jason H

    Jason H Active Member

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    And for the record. I was a total dick to her, accepted. When she would cry cause she was lonely I would be in the other room or I'd leave to be with my friends. I left her all alone, she was a slave in her own home. Yes I've changed but that's damage I will be having to repair all my life. And there's trusts issues that will linger for quite awhile :(
     
  3. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Its over man face it you were probably too immature to get married in the first place
     
  4. AKing

    AKing It's like we've got each others backs

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    w/e she saw in you the first time you have to make her see it again. The sobbing, the crying, the clinging will push her away. The man she fell in love with was a smart strong man that she wanted to be with always. Based on your situation, the more you want the more she pushes away. Push back and show her that you don't need her to be happy, that your strong, your will is strong, and most importantly your emotions and heart.

    Tbh i really don't think you should try and convince her to be with you. You personally should move on. Being in the same household, discussing things with her, sharing experiences with her on a friendly level ends no where.
     
  5. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    dude WHAT THE FUCK. she cheated on you with your best friend. WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE STILL IN YOUR LIFE?

    WTF!

    go out right now and get the cheapest fucking craigslist hooker and bang her in the living room while the ex is watching her favorite show on lifetime. then tell her to GTFO (the ex, not the hooker!)
     
  6. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    You got married at 20. IMO that's way too young. Anyways, let it end, and learn from this.

    And I have to tell you, that your friends telling you to hold on b/c she cooks and cleans, is about the worst advice I've ever heard. Haven't they ever heard of both people being happy?
     
  7. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

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    To start with, why do you listen to the immature idiots on ot.
    Most of them can't get a woman, and are beyond help, so they want you in the same position.
    Your friend is a fucking lowlife, and so is his father, what they did was unexcuseable.
    You don't prey on a mans wife when she's at a low point and vulnerable.
    I think you've left it to late now, she's right too little too late.
    All you can do is apologise to her, tell her you didn't understand what you were doing and now realise how selfish you were.
    Jason, your friend and his dad could see how good she was, and advised you not to blow it, but you didn't listen, so it's going to be hard to blame him, but you will.
    I don't know what papers you signed, do you need to sign something? how can it be considered binding if you feel you were pressured to do it, and was in an emotional crisis.
    Explain to her it's too hard for you seeing her leave you to be with your best friend, and you wouldn't have ever cheated on her or left her for one of her friends. If you can get her to stop seeing him maybe she'll remember why she married you.
    If it doesn't, let her go without excessive drama, tell her you're sorry you didn't realise your selfishness was driving her away. Maybe they'll be decent and move away to minimise the pain you're going through.
     
  8. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    yeah, HE should aplogize for her fucking his best friend. :ugh2:

    I know she said they didn't fuck but....
     
  9. Paulie Walnuts

    Paulie Walnuts Im an agent of chaos

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    Not trying to be a dick to the OP but this poster is right.

    Let it go man as hard as that is to swallow.
     
  10. Jason H

    Jason H Active Member

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    I've done absolutely everything to stop from sobbing and breaking down infront of her. Yea it's another story for when I'm alone but I've only done it once infront of her.

    And at this point, so far I've become what she wanted, and more. But like I had mentioned there's trust issues. She did the same thing for some guy back in highschool. She dated him for 4 years aswell but she reverted back to how she was, whatever that was. So I understand, but at the same time she gave me 6 months to try and get her back. Yea that's a long time but she held on. And you know what it took something drastic for me to realize I was wrong.

    I told her fine, I'll do the same essentially. It took me time to realize that the grass wasn't greener on the otherside and sooner or later she'll realize my buddy can't give her what she wants.

    She insists she didn't cheat on me, I can only hope for the best. The way she was raised and how she is I doubt she would. She insists she hasn't been doing anything with him, that she's no longer on the pill. I hafto hope for the best, again.

    I need to be able to hold on to do this so 1) I have a good consience knowing I tried long and hard to win her back and 2) That it makes me come out a great person because I learned and took advice and finally changed what I did was wrong.

    Yea, got married at 23. But if you guys knew the shit I went through growing up and realized how much more I had to mature than what my age shows you guys would realize I really am ready to move forward and spend the rest of my life with someone. Yea I did some immature shit but you know what I've learned to switch that around.

    This isn't just a fuck and chuck, this is someone I wanna spend the rest of my life with together and to have children with. Isn't that worth saving?
     
  11. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    I don't know what to do to win her back because I've never been in a relationship as close you yours but it sounds like this could be one of the best things to happen to you if you use the pain as a catalyst to better yourself.

    It's really hard to change who you are as an adult unless you have something big impact you. And then most people turn on it and get worse instead of embracing it. Don't change for her, change for yourself. It's the only chance I see you have of doing it for the long term and her taking you back.
     
  12. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    23 is way too young to get married unless you both belong to a religion that doesn't allow divorce, so you have to stay and work your shit out whether you want to or not.

    Basically, you were self-centered for years, which is exactly what guys your age normally do, and she put up with it for years, which is exactly what women her age normally do, and now she's done and she wants out, which is also perfectly normal. Everything that is happening here makes perfect sense. However much you two loved each other, you were not ready to get married in the first place; I'm sorry you took that step prematurely and now you're going through the stress of undoing it, but it was gonna happen eventually.

    EDIT: regarding the comment about how much more you've matured than the average person...as someone who also went through some shit growing up and also thought he was more mature than the average person, I can tell you you're only more mature in the aspects of your personality that you've been paying a lot of attention to, and as time moves on you'll realize there were lots of other aspects you were totally ignoring due to circumstances. Based on the casual assertion that you're obviously way ahead of the average person, I'd say your ego is one of the things that hasn't matured, and that fits well with her complaints about you being a self-centered dick too.
     
  13. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Your so called "friend" was there for her, to listen to her, spend time with her when you didn't. He filled a need that you didn't. It's a good thing that you are realizing what you have done and are taking responsibility for your actions. That makes you special. :bigthumb:It might still help if you tell her what you told us, confess, as it were, and say that you will do better if she's willing to work on it with you again. She can always leave later if she still wants to.
    And get friends with better morals...
     
  14. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    ah man, i want to hug you. :hug:

    In regards to second chances, this is a case where I'd say you are earning it. The fact you recognize what you id wrong and are trying to correct it is great IMO. Also, the fact you are enduring so much for her (living together, being around her but not with her) really shows your dedication. Some people might think its crazy, but I see a lot of honor in it.

    Perhaps i'm just a romantic, but I really hope you are able to get back together and work this out. Hopefully she will notice all the effort you are putting forth, and the changes you have made in your life.
     
  15. TwistedMind

    TwistedMind New Member

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    Im so confused. I understand you got married but dude you're 23 years old.

    No way no how that relationship was ever going to make it until you were 30.

    I'm not going to sugar coat this and its going to be hard to swallow but, Either pack your shit and leave the house right now or throw her the fuck out.
    Until that divorce is signed by a judge shes commiting adultry and infidelty, time to start making copies, buy a nanny camera etc get proof before she gets you into court and hoses your ass.

    P.S. your ex-wife is fucking you ex-friend. You are a fool if you allow that shit to continue for one more hour. They are both walking all fucking over you.
     
  16. Jason H

    Jason H Active Member

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    I didn't mean to come off as egotistical, at 14 my brother went to jail to serve an 8 year sentence for manslaughter while my parents divorced at 12. My father was an abusive alcoholic while my brother was a violent psychopath. And here I am, the most laid back level headed guy on the block, we always joked I must of been adopted.

    When I was 14 and my brother went to jail their was a decision on whether my 6 month old niece would either be taken care by me and my mom or be given to foster care. Me at the time thinken I was super man said no we had to take care of her. Right after we started taken care of her my mom got hurt at work and has been on disability ever since. There were mornings her back would be so fucked up she couldn't get off the couch or the bed to relieve herself. You can put A and B together.

    I had to be there for my mother, for my niece. Specially for my niece. 6 months old, who also had the side effects of her mother doing cocaine and heroin while pregnant. My niece would wake up hyperventilating crying while I held her for hours. She would do that every 2 hours each and every day for 5 years while I tried my best not to go insane, someone had to be there for her and my mother and me thinking what I did was the best option kept me from going off the deep end.

    Yea I had it pretty bad, didn't pass grade 11. But you know what, one thing I've always made clear was there's always people worse off.

    It made me a better person and made me who I am today. I'd probably make a great dad, yea, for what I went through. I'm in no rush but I wouldn't walk away from it. And I also know the difference between right and wrong or else I could of gone down the same road as my brother and my father.

    Don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs. I don't party.
     
  17. Jason H

    Jason H Active Member

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    Exactly what I'm trying to do and get across and I see signs and rays of hope all around that it does work and it is working. That's why I can't give up.

    And I have confessed, hence why she threw the 4 year relationship she had earlier and changed for a bf back in my face. But thats why over the course of the next 12 months like I said. Until the divorce is final. I'm gonna continue to change and seek councilling to prove to her I'm for real and it's not some bullshit excuse to win her and back and change when I have her.

    But I do hafto do this for myself and not for her or else I'll never be able to move on.
     
  18. Jason H

    Jason H Active Member

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    My aunt and uncle have been married 32 to years. Guess how it started out? My aunt wanted to move out of alliston ontario and her bf (my uncle) lived in toronto. They married and moved to toronto. Married for the wrong reasons but with advice and help and counseling they managed to have an amazing house and wonderful family. So I call bullshit, things like that give me hope!!
     
  19. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    The only thing in this life worth fighting for is love and family. If you love her then fight for her. Sounds like you've earned a chance at happiness with all the troubles you've already had in your young life. It sucks that sometimes you have to go through hell to get that happiness.:ugh:
     
  20. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

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    We've all been brutalized by love, usually because of the same reasons as you, but it helps you grow, no matter how hard it is.
    Trust is the most important part of a relationship, you may have been a jerk, but you didn't betray her, as far as I know.
    So that may be enough for her to give you another chance.
    Tell her that by her seeing your friend it's hard for you to bear, and ask if she could wait until you go your separate ways, explain you never saw anyone else while you were with her, because it was wrong and you may not have been much good for anything else, but you respected her that much. If you can get her away from his influence, it may be enough to see that you've changed, she won't if he's telling her you'll never change and giving her the support you should have.
     
  21. Jason H

    Jason H Active Member

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    :hs: Well I caused it so I hafto suffer for it. Be it works out in the end or not the way I like. In the end though I think It's a win win because I mature and realize my faults and fix them where so many before fell.
     
  22. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    This actually sounds familiar. I didn't have to deal with drug abuse, but I did have to be an emotional provider at far too young an age (or rather, I chose to be one, such as I had any free will at the time). I still don't regret it, but it kept me from focusing on myself like I should've been doing at the time. I think you being a dick to your wife was you going through that phase finally. Again, you were only more mature in those aspects of your personality that you used more often than most people, and less mature in the aspects you didn't get to use.

    But all that aside, your wife is recovering from the effects of you only thinking about yourself for years, even if that's what you needed to do to continue growing up. If your wife is going to come back to you, it's going to be on her own schedule, after she recovers her sense of self-worth. There's nothing more you can do at this point, because she'll probably just interpret it as you being needy for more, and chances are she'd be right too. You can't give her everything you have to offer, because that will just perpetuate the cycle of you giving everything you have and then later on taking everything you want. She needs to go out and get whatever she wants for a while, from people other than you, while you focus on learning how to be content with yourself.

    If she hasn't found a "better deal" by the time she feels like she's back on the level, maybe she'll be open to your advances again. But don't hold your breath, because she might very well find someone else she wants to be with before the scales balance themselves.
     
  23. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I believe that this relationship is over, and the sooner you let go, the sooner your new awesome life will begin in earnest.

    Don't make the same mistake with the next one.

    And don't get married for a while.
     
  24. Mangopork

    Mangopork New Member

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    *sigh*

    Idiots.

    Go live an awesome life (you need to do this anyways). Then see if she comes back and better still see if she deserves it. Make her earn it.

    Then be very, very cautious...
     
  25. oakback

    oakback New Member

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    It's too late, she's moved on. You're a better person now, but that's not for her, she still has the memories of you being a dick. Take your new self and move on.
     

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