SRS "We're not going to get back together, ok?"

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Sep 19, 2006.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I asked my gf to tell me this outright, bc I realized that a little crystal of hope was hindering my ability to get over her. I thought if she told me herself explicitly that she was not interested, it might help me move on faster.

    So she did. Sort of. "We're not going to get back together, ok?" Then she started crying, said five words I could not for the life of me understand, and hung up. When she cries, when she gets very emotional, she likes to hide and do it privately. So I waited 20 minutes before I called back to see if she was alright.

    I then demanded an explanation for what the fuck happened this summer (minus the curse). She owed me that much. 5 months of unbelievable, passionate, romantic memories that had become increasingly intense and deep, followed by 2 months of increasingly strained memories that were full of conflicting messages and distance on her part, just before she left for college.

    As it turned out, all the things I worried that I might have done wrong were trivial non-issues. For example, I was afraid that I had been too available, depriving her of the chase. That cat-and-mouse idea was a load of horseshit.
    "I wouldn't have wanted that," she said.
    "Sometimes there's a difference between wanting something and responding to something," I pointed out.
    "You really think I would have been more involved if you had played hard-to-get once we were in a relationship? I would just have ended up being more confused."

    Here was another dumb idea I asked her about:
    "I made a strong impression as an outgoing person on our first date. Then later on it turned out I wasn't Mr. Outgoing. I thought maybe..."
    "No."

    And another: "You said that you felt belittled on occasion when we did have an argument..." Not the problem either.

    At last she answered. "I wasn't ready for a lot of commitment. I told you that earlier in the summer. [Debatable...] I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now." She paused. "I love you more than I've ever felt for anybody, and it scares me to admit that," she said and then started crying again. I hate hearing her cry so of course I began crying too. :hsugh:

    This confused me and after I pulled my shit together I cut to the chase. "Just to be clear, I should not hope that we get back together?" I asked.
    "Not now," she said. :ugh: Not that fucking clear after all.
    "Ok, so I should not hold out for you, right?" I said, groping in the dark.
    "Right."

    It's what I thought in the first place ... she would need space when she got to college. God if only she had been strong enough to tell me this outright, it would have saved my ego a lot of fucking unnecessary damage. This whole time I had been wondering WTF did I do!? We were really unusually well matched for each other - much more than I ever would have expected when I asked her out - and then suddenly, bam! Break up.

    Well it wasn't some shit I did wrong that was the problem, it was almost in a sense the stuff I did right ... the intensity was scaring her and it's not what she wants right now. Like plenty of freshmen in college. I can understand that. I also can stop beating myself up every time I think about her. I still miss her so fucking much :wtc: ... really like a drug withdrawal. I hid her deodorant so I would stop smelling it (I know, I'm freaky).

    Assuming I start understanding how to attract women I don't know (or rather, how not to repel them), I'm going to date around and meet new people. Maybe I will find someone who knocks my socks off. Until then ... thx for listening OT. :)
     
  2. Isamu

    Isamu New Member

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    don't bother holding on man.. your setting yourself up for disaster.. just move on.. and I am saying this from personal experiance. if you really care for more detail.. pm me
     
  3. darnit

    darnit New Member

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    the emotional scars from this really are small. Thank god it was only 5 months... imagine if it was a year!!
    but hey , you learned something.. and at least you had something for a few short months. better than not not have at all.
     
  4. SovietRussia

    SovietRussia What? You pooped in the refrigerator? OT Supporter

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    when you find out how to do this let me know. :o
     
  5. SovietRussia

    SovietRussia What? You pooped in the refrigerator? OT Supporter

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    also, your post was inspiring, i saw alot of myself in your post, so it was close to home and helpful.
     
  6. Crush

    Crush Epidural hematoma up in this bitch

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    dude you need to get on with your life.
     
  7. art vandelay

    art vandelay OT Supporter

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    I was in a similar situation (see my thread in the Asylum) where the first month or so was so intense, and then suddenly a steady dropoff occurred to the point where I started questioning EVERYTHING I did - maybe it was me, the way I dressed, the jokes I made, not being able to shoot the shit with her friends - it came down (so she says) to the fact it was too intense for her, and that she wasn't ready for a 'big' commitment so soon in her life (she's 25, I'm 26). All this, despite when we first met her stating she was ready for commitment if she found 'the one'.:hsd:

    Trust me bro, I know how it feels to give it your all and not have the other person do the same.. still recovering as all this happened less than a month ago to me.. Hang in there.
     
  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I know a married couple who got together in high school and then broke up when the girl cheated on him a lot in college freshman year and then got back together a year later and then broke up 6 months later when she went abroad and then got back together again for 6 months and then broke up for a year and then finally got back together for four years. They realized they really just wanted each other despite their options and now they're married and she's pregnant.

    Going on the advice of this forum, this kind of shit would NEVER happen. People would be so scared of getting more hurt they would jump ship permanently never to look back.
     
  9. fhfn2000

    fhfn2000 New Member

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    my gf and i broke up, and she cited school and bad timing as the reasons why.

    seemed to me like something girls say when you don't want to hurt their boyfriend's feelings. I talked to her a bit, and I think she actually was being pretty truthful. she also said she doesn't neccessarily want it to be permanent. Great! so now what do i think.

    i can relate to your situation a lot :hs: :hug:
     
  10. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    There could be hope for you if she would bring her life into calmer waters, and is ready to commit. Basically i think you did all humanly possible for this relationship , and really there's no other reason for you to be kicked out of the relationship other then her fear of comittment towards you. Relationships are all about being together and still being able to do your own thing. Tell her that, and that you will give her the space she needs. Hopefully that will convince her to come back to you.
     
  11. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    I was the role of your ex with my ex boyfriend...i didnt want to be his girl and the only way to let him down gently was to say "were NOT getting back together..just hold on.." the hold on part is just a nice way of the girl dumping you, but without the actual guts to actually dump you.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    different relationship, different people
     
  13. Mac

    Mac It varies from season to season, kid. OT Supporter

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    exactly the same thing just happened to me
     
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    big1, why didn't u like ur bf?
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :werd: was it b/c u didn't love him or b/c u wanted to break ties?
     
  16. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    because we dated for 3.5 years and he has a 1 week old son...and im not the mom. You do the math.........
     
  17. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    oic. well i'm not holding out but i do believe her. she has always been straightforward when she did express herself.
     
  18. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    Wow....a lot of your situation sounds like my situation....its crazy....my ex is not going to school but she had ambitions to do so and who knows if she will do it. But our situation was the same where I was gettin pretty intense and wanted to do more for her and her daughter but I think she felt it was too much. She was not ready for that.

    Best advice I can give you is to do what I've been doing and thats meet new girls. Online, offline, wherever. Just meet new girls.
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Yeah. This seems to be pretty common with girls. Guys, I think, if they aren't up for that much commitment, won't get scared by their feelings ... they just won't have any. At least that's true for me.
     

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