SRS well, that was a bit unsettling.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by RyeBread, Feb 10, 2005.

  1. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    first some background:

    some of you may recall me sharing some information about an ex of mine, one that I never really got over. One that even after only a decade was I able to get some closure, move along and be happy for her.

    covered/dumped part of the story here: http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=1412630&page=3&highlight=ryebread

    she and I have become friends again. We talk, or txt probably once or twice every 10 days or two weeks or so.

    I know that I love my wife, and that I couldn't bare the thought of being a part time dad to our two kids. I know that I also couldn't bare the thought of making my wife a part time mother.

    I have come to grips with the fact that I also love "Jody" - always have. Always will. I have come to grips with the fact that she's not mine, and never will be again. Sorta used to not getting/having what I want on many levels in my life, especially when the logical part of my mind and heart know that such wants are "wrong".

    Yesterday, "Jody" txted me, and said that she had something to say to me, but feared whether she could say it or not.

    "ruh roh shaggy".

    I immediately picked up the phone, and called her.

    She blurted out, very quickly that she feared how much she looked forward to talking with me. She also feared how much she missed me when we weren't talking.

    :eek3: :eek4:

    so many conflicting emotions.

    For the next 10 minutes or so, she was very quiet, while I explained my feelings, and my intentions.

    She knows that I love her. That I never stopped. She also knows that I won't allow either of us to destroy each other's lives, each other's marriages, or make each other part time parents.

    She knows that we can't allow each other to tempt each other to put ourselves in a situation where we are alone together.

    I also pointed out that some higher power is essentially helping us out with guarding our respective selves against this temptation. She recently got a new job, she now works at the same hospital as her husband. Her schedule is much more frantic/busy. As is mine. Additionally I'll be travelling on business a couple of times in the next few weeks - meaning that even the very brief conversations about nothing and everything that we have will taper off - at least for a while.

    I guess I'm not really looking for advice, or comments, just needed to get this off my chest.

    Even now, replaying the conversation, and looking at this text I'm not really sure of what I feel.

    So many conflicting emotions.

    I'm convinced now, more than ever - had we reconnected 2-3 years ago, each of us would have divorced our respective spouses. We may have even married each other - but it wouldn't have lasted long - we'd have resented each other for making the other part time parents, and all of the stuff we would have "given up".

    Yet, I also can't help but wonder "what if". Not in an obsessive/compulsive way, hard to splain I guess. Probably just me being over analytical, and having too much spare time on my hands to think during my commute, and other lulls in busy-ness.

    Interestingly enough, she and my wife talk almost as much as I do with her. When I talk with her, my wife knows about it. any e-mail interaction gets copied to the home account so my wife can read it - all in an effort to put my wife's insecurities at ease and to show that I'm not hiding anything.

    "Jody" has been not quite as forthcoming with her husband. And that's where part of her fears, and guilt are coming from.

    I suspect that she'll fall off the face of the earth for a few weeks, or a month while she gets her head back on her shoulders.

    This
    is
    such
    a
    messed
    up
    world
    we
    live
    in.
     
  2. sirrach

    sirrach New Member

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    I definitely feel for what you are going through. Temptations are there all throughout our life.

    However, you cannot keep looking in the past and wondering about the "what if's". What you can do, is focus on the future with your family and your wife. But through all of this, I think you can still remain a good friend to Jody, as that is what it seems she needs the most.
     
  3. Mel

    Mel RIP James :(

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    I can't imagine how hard that'd be. :hs: GOod for you for not hiding anything from your wife. I think the best thing to do would be to focus on your current family and not worry about your what if's. What ifs can ruin relationships with lovers, friends, family... you just have to be content with your life as is, or make the actual move for Jody - but it doesn't sound like you really want to do that.

    :hug: Good luck.
     
  4. Jester

    Jester OT Supporter

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    Agreed. People change, yet alot about them doesn't. You'll always have a sad connection with her that is yours alone, but it is better to accept what is and move on. Let go. I'll use my original cliche here: Don't stare too long at yesterday's sunset; you might miss sunrise tomorrow.
     
  5. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    I said it was hard to splain, I'm not "what iffing" in a want to explore that arena sorta way, but more of in as what someone above described as a nostalgic what might have been sorta way.

    I love her. Of that I'm certain. I do however not obsess about it - or even really think about it very often. Yes I miss her when we don't talk.

    She sent me some pics of her and her family from this past christmas. If/when I feel myself starting to feel inappropriately strong feelings for her, I look first at my family's pictures which are everywhere - but then also at hers. Not her. Her family.

    The fact I'm posting this may give the impression that I haven't moved along, but I am so much farther ahead than where I once was. I am not looking at her with a jealous love of what I don't have, but a more pure, sincere love, and happiness that she is happy and has such a beautiful family, and a 2nd chance.

    I know, and feel in my heart that she and I had our chance, and yes, while I love sunsets, I'm more of a morning person, and rejoice also at the sunrise. :thumb:

    and yes, I'm also painfully aware, that this time, the reason we may have to part ways as friends isn't due to my pain/discomfort over what might have been, but hers. :hs: :(
     
  6. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    how prophetic that statement was only a few short hours ago.

    I sent her an e-mail, in an attempt to clarify how I felt.

    She had evidently been composing one of her own, after a day's worth of self reflection.

    She feels that she has been sinning, starting down the path that she took with the other guy.

    I don't feel as if we were even close to exploring that path, or even those feelings, but it's not about me, or what I'm feeling.

    evidently, she is uncomfortable with her own feelings already, and she has to do what she has to do in order to reign them in.

    I spoke with her very briefly tonight on the way home from class. I told her that I got it, that I fully understand.

    I didn't want her to think I'm being callous, or unemotional, as it does hurt to know that once again, I have most likely lost at least for a while, one of the few people that could tell me what I needed to hear, w/out blowing smoke up my ass, or being mean/vindictive if it was something I didn't want to hear.

    I know it's what she has to do. I know that for the sake of her and her family's happiness it must be the right thing for her to do. It's a bittersweet knowledge. :hs:
     

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