Weird GF Situation

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by PostingWorld, Dec 6, 2006.

  1. PostingWorld

    PostingWorld Da Man with da plan

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    Ok, me and my current girl friend have been going out for 3 months this week, and I mean everything is going ok, but I have my doubts sometimes about if she is cheating on me or not. I mean I trust her, but her past relationship ended with her cheating on her boy friend with a guy on a cruise and I just keep thinking its going to happen to me. I mean she texts other guys, she myspace messages them, she talks to them on AOL and all this but she says she does not cheat on me or anything. If I even talk to another girl, then she gets all mad but she continues to talk to other guys and says that she is not flirting and that they are just friends and all this. So I'm wondering, what do you do? I mean I try to act like it doesnt bother me but it really does it annoys the shit out of me. We have dicussed this many times before but it all ends with us saying we wont talk to other girls/guys and it happens again in about a week.

    What would you do?

    *Serious answers only please*
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yeah....this early on....this kind of distrust isn't going to get ANY better
     
  3. Soldier101

    Soldier101 Member

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    if you dont feel comfortable with her talking to other guys as friends you don't need to be with her. Personally once a cheater always a cheater and if I was with a girl that I know did that, and at the same time she was talking to other guys on different types of messengers I would probably end it, 3 months is nothing in the terms of relationships, might as well get out while you are still early
     
  4. KMAzz

    KMAzz OT Supporter

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    Chances are if you think shes cheating on you...she is.
     
  5. fray

    fray New Member

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    If it bothers you and she is not willing to change, it is just going to keep bothering you. IMO, it's disrespectful of her to continue with her current behavior considering how her prior relationship ended and knowing that you know that. Have you asked her to stop talking to guys? How old are you guys?

    I think that it doesn't bode well that this is going on already, and that she has cheated before. However, I also don't know what type of person she is...maybe she has lots of guy friends, maybe you're overreacting. Does she text a lot of girls too and talk to girls on myspace? Is she just all around friendly? What kind of messages does she get/send?

    In the end, it's hard to say, but I'd go with my gut, and if the gut says cheating, getting out before you get too attached or screwed over is probably best if she is not willing to accommodate you.
     
  6. PostingWorld

    PostingWorld Da Man with da plan

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    I mean, Yes she does have a lot of guy friends but I dont know I just keep thinking that she did it to her ex, what makes me think she wont do it to me? But there is also certain situations she has told me about with her ex as well, so I just don't know. I mean this is the only thing we ever argue about, I love her so much I really do, but this stuff right here just really puts a staple in the relationship if you know what I mean. I want to beleive her so bad, but I just can't. I don't want to end what we have because of this, but I mean I want to beleive her and be able to trust her.
     
  7. erobbins

    erobbins Active Member

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    the reason she's uncomfortable with you talking with other girls is that she knows she'd cheat in the reverse situation. lose her.
     
  8. fray

    fray New Member

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    This thought struck me too...but i didn't want to say it...
     
  9. fray

    fray New Member

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    You know her best, and you know your feelings. It doesn't sound good...not even so much the fact that she talks to alot of guys. That's fine. Lots of girls do that. But the fact that she is unaccommodating to you and you guys fight over it seems like the bigger red flag. Now, you can't expect her to drop all her friends for you, but she should be willing to tone down the flirting, maybe drop some of the texting....you don't say what else she does - hangs out with them, alone or with you, drinks, parties stays over...? There's a line where she should be able to tone it down to for you. And if she doesn't or won't, then you've got to decide if you want to deal with it. My thoughts would be if she won't make that move for you, why bother keeping her around. It's just a omen of what's to come later, if you guys last, if she is that unaccommodating. Have you actually asked her to tone it down? Or do you just get mad with how things are?
     
  10. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    what's the point of being in a relationship with an acknowledged cheater, where you don't feel like you can trust them?

    end it and find someone whose history proves they have better morals.
     
  11. :smile:

    :smile: New Member

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    what if it was about 2 years into a relationship? than what would you say?
     
  12. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    The point here is that you are failing the "man test." You allow her to talk to other men, while she "controls" you and say you cannot. The very fact that you let these OBVIOUS hypocrisies in your relationship is why she's doing it.

    She needs a man who is a strong leader and doesn't let shit like this slide. Think about it like this: If she were your nine-year old sister and you were her primary caregiver (i.e., chatting with guys and then telling YOU that you could not talk to women) are you telling me you'd let her get away with it? The point here is that you have to ACT like an adult otherwise SHE is going to assume the role of the adult.

    When you let a woman get away with this kind of crap, it lowers your "worth" to her. You are no longer a leader, a potential husband and father figure, you are instead a child that she has to make rules for, care for, and keep track of. It makes you asexual, weak, and ultimately she will cheat on you.

    Women want a man who can act like a mature, reasonable, self-respecting, self-confident, and yet mysterious partner. This talking about it stuff is crap. You're not telling her anything, you're asking for her permission.

    Try something like this, and expect to piss her off yet don't expect her to leave: Tell her that you're not going to tolerate being disrespected. The whole issue of her talking to other men is clearly a lack of her caring for you, and if it continues she should not expect you to stick around. Something like ...

    "Hey babe, you know how you're talking to those other guys all the time? Well, it's very disrespectful to me and I don't think you fully appreciate where I am coming from. I completely understand why you do it [note: don't explain this, just SAY it] but I'm not going to stick around if you keep doing it. It makes me look like a fool to have a woman who is talking to all these other guys, and that is something I just simply cannot have in my life. I am looking for a quality, loving, loyal, and long term partner and I have very high standards in who I date. That being said, think about what you're doing and if you think it's attractive to me, because I'm not going to be mis treated like this, okay?" She'll likely get upset/mad at you, obviously because she's been in control for so long. Don't discuss it, but rather say something like "Hey, I told you where I am coming from, end of discussion. You can do whatever you want, just remember that I am looking for a high quality partner with whom to have in my life. I won't tolerate being made a fool of." You don't have to threaten to leave (but it should be obvious that you will if she *ever* does it again) because she should get the clue.

    With that being said, if she does disrespect you again, she WILL be testing you. You will - alas - have to dump her. She will of course come back crying that she will never do it again, didn't know you were serious, etc., etc., all that bullshit, but the reality is that she is testing your resolve. If you say something, as a mature adult male, you have to have a backbone and stick to your word. No second chances are allowed. You warned her, told her what your standards were, and then followed up.

    The point here is that you have to (1) have standards and (2) live up to them and (3) never let anyone else control your standards. You have to be fair and mature about them, and when discussing them you MUST be calm, mature, polite, and matter-of-fact honest, without threatening to dump someone.

    Think about how you would expect a cop to be: He gives you a warning for breaking the law doing something, and he WILL write you the ticket the next time you get caught doing the same thing again. It's that simple.
     
  13. whippet_1

    whippet_1 Active Member

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    This sentence could not be any more true.

    Trust the advice provided here and lose her. There are a million other girls who you'd be happier with in her place.

    Note: I was in the same situation as you when i was much younger (as I'm sure you are, considering you dropped the L word in less than 3 months)

    Well, I didnt listen to my friends, and the result was i found ou she slept with 3 guys and now I am the father of our 6 year old daughter, which BTW took 2 paternity tests to find out...

    again, Lose her
     
  14. whippet_1

    whippet_1 Active Member

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    Great Post,

    I disagree a tad on the "Im looking for a quality yadda yadda" but other than that

    great diagnosis on the situation. Bang on
     
  15. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    This is obviously what is happening - it's called "projection." She is projecting her reality (talking to other people results in cheating) onto you, because that is her reality.

    By the way, if you really want to know what is going on, call her bluff. Tell her something like "I know. I found out everything. Are you going to explain yourself?" Then shut up and see what she does. Tell her someone sent you an email explaining everything she did. She'll deny it for a while, just keep saying "Are you going to tell me the truth?" If she confesses that she cheated, dump her on the spot.

    if she didn't do anything, she likely won't admit anything.

    Guilty folks tend to spill their guts when someone confronts them, even if you don't know anything.

    This is how I caught my ex-wife cheating. :squint:
     
  16. whippet_1

    whippet_1 Active Member

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    OMG. I got busted this way once. ( to clarify- it was during a break, but I still didnt want said girl to know)


    you're good :eek3:
     
  17. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I do this for a living. I play a doctor on daytime TV. ;)
     
  18. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Pilz-E, thanks.

    Just for reference:
    People will live up to your expectations in most cases. This is a hypnotic control technique that I learned a long time ago. People's brains work simply as a "catcher" of all information, and then we work towards it. It accepts everything going in as a "positive" so words can be very powerful.

    Example:

    "Don't think of a purple tiger."

    Okay, now that you've thought of a purple tiger, let's explain how that worked! :mamoru:

    Your brain takes in each word and "stores" it away by itself. It then processes the word into action (basically, I'm trying to keep this brief.) You must speak in terms of goals and desires when talking to people or teaching them as much as possible. Few of us do this. The most obvious examples are visible in parents raising their children. How often have you heard a parent yelling "Don't run in the house!!!" and the kids are tearing around? :rofl: The correct way to deal with this is two-fold:

    1. State your goal. "Please remember to walk in the house."
    2. Have it reinforced: "Repeat back to me what I just said to you Johhny."
    3. State the alternate goal, if any: "You may run outside in the yard."

    If you tell someone they are fat, a cheater, stupid, etc., they will LIVE UP TO IT! If you want your GF to be faithful, tell her how much you enjoy her honesty and integrity. If you want her to be thin, tell her how you love that she takes care of her body, looks thin, love her thin arms/legs, and that she eats good food. With enough reinforcement, people will live up to your expectations. For someone who is smoking, mention how you appreciate them respecting your space and fresh air, and how you have noticed they have been being more healthy lately.

    So when you want a quality woman ... let her know. Would you honestly tell your woman you wanted her to lie, cheat, and otherwise be disloyal? I think not. We all want a caring, loving, sexual partner - help remind them and yourself in proper terms and it can go a long way.

    <------ Majored in Psychology/Hypnosis/Cult induction techniques and have been studying it for about 15 years now. Powerful shit. A lot of pick-up techniques are based on hypnotic techniques by some of the guys I studied. Very fascinating application of hypnosis IMO.
     
  19. fray

    fray New Member

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    My only thought was that this isn't the only reason people say this, so I didn't want to bring it up. Could be she's insecue, could be she's been cheated on before, or has suspicion's currently (in general, not that I think threadstarter is cheating). Of course, in this case, it looks more likely to be projection, especially, I think, with the unwillingness to change, while still saying he might be cheating.

    I'd just hate for everyone who's ever heard this line to think that their SO is a cheater, because that's not always what I means.
     
  20. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Poco, your first post above is gold. I seriously think it deserves its own thread and a sticky. Every guy who is in a relationship or has the potential to get in one should read that post.

    This is a huge one. I have experienced this myself with my wife. Her reality is that she would do things that would make her ex-husband mad, and she has projected that on to me. Sometimes she will say "I'm glad I didn't do that, because you would get mad, huh?"

    But I have learned to control my very large temper. She has never seen my temper above a 5/10, ever, and only a couple of times. So I told her - just because your ex got mad all the time, doesn't mean I will. I have control of my temper. Now I may dislike what you do, but you are projecting your expectation onto me that I will "get mad" when in reality I rarely ever get mad.

    I've seen this in action, and it works very well. If you have strong suspicions, you should do this. If she is cheating, likely her interest level in you has dropped so low that she would welcome a chance to let you know what is actually going on. In most cases, women send out "dump me" signals and figure thats its the man's job to read the signals and end the relationship.
     
  21. Whew

    Whew New Member

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    Dude..you both have some serious insecurities...From what I read, damn...You have to be able to talk to guys and girls..The world doesnt get cut in half just because youre in a relationship. There are so many cool people you need to meet out there that are male and female. You are either respectful and trustworthy or youre not..
     
  22. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

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    The first thing I'd say is that if you aren't flirting with other women you are talking to, continue talking to them and don't fallow your girlfriend to make you feel anxious or guilty if she is there.

    I don't know, this seems a little harsh to me, and perhaps might come off as insecure if done out of the blue (e.g. "makes me look like a fool") . I think saying something like this would work best if you said when she is talking with some guy on myspace or complains about the OP talking to other women.

    Facing conflict in a relationship can be hard and anxiety provoking, but there are also theories that state relationships grow and strengthen when the two persons are able to negotiate the normal conflicts that come upsuccessfully (as opposed to the couple that never, ever fights).
     
  23. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Yeah, the point is to be calm, cool, collected, and mature about that whole speech. The bottom line is to (1) address it and (2) in no uncertain terms, let her know that it is absolutely unacceptable.

    In my experience (yes, I have done this) it comes off as VERY secure. I've had zero backlash, and zero problems with said issue afterwards. (My SO was hanging on some guys while we were out drinking at a bar, and I carefully pulled her aside, quietly told her that she was making me look like a fool, and if it happened again I would not tolerate it. Kindly, politely, quietly, calmly, but in no uncertain terms ... "My expectations are ..")

    The goal, which I agree with, is to negotiate conflicts. However, as an adult, you must NEVER avoid them!
     
  24. enfiniti

    enfiniti How firm thy friendship ... OHIO!

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    just like I would say to a woman.

    If you didnt witness her on another guy, dont even bring it up.

    If you are that concerned, leave. Otherwise you are the one bringing BS into the relationship
     
  25. -argonaut-

    -argonaut- New Member

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    I'm gonna have to agree with this as well as the exhibition of "double standards" in a relationship, particularly in this context, is indicative of an "I can-you can't" mentality, i.e., she's keeping locks on you for backup/until something better happens along while it's an "all-comers" situation for her..., sorry about your misfortune.
     

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