SRS wedding issue: need female perspective

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Toasty, Mar 28, 2006.

  1. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Time to toss one of my own issues into the pot... long story, cliffs below:

    It's come down to a situation where I'm ready to move on to the next level with my girlfriend. We're in the early stages...I've yet to do the whole drop-knee thing with an engagement ring, but she's already aware that I intend to ask her sometime soon.

    So...being the excited bride-to-be she is, she's already started to play around with ideas about what our wedding may be like.

    Now I'm no stranger to this process. I've seen enough of my friends go through the situation where the couple agrees to do something "small" for their wedding...the guy's idea of "small" is to have just immediate family and a couple friends there. The girl's idea of "small" is "oh...I just need no more then 150 people there".

    More often then not the guy ends up giving in and they've spent thousands on their wedding. I have friends that ended up in debt for the first 2 or 3 years of their marriage because they spent in excess of $20k - $40k for their wedding

    So...that's what's happening here. While I can understand it might be a fulfillment of a woman's dream to have an elaborate wedding with a lot of guests, I just simply want to avoid being in debt that I struggled so hard to get out of over the past few years.

    Not to mention I'm depending on my new business...while from time to time, I may have months where I'm rolling in what seems like a lot of money, there are other times where that money can disappear fast when there are slow periods.

    My reluctance to go on a crazy spending spree for a wedding isn't because I'm a cheap ass...but I'm looking out for our future together where I don't want to be the loser with a stuggling business, no way to improve our living conditions, and no way to support any children we might have in the near future.

    Also, money isn't the issue. If I'm going to spend money, I'd rather spend it on her. Perhaps be able to buy her a nicer ring, fancier gown, or even plan a more elaborate honeymoon. To me, spending money on guests that would rather be somewhere else anyway is just a waste.

    I've expressed my point of view to her, and while she's not the type to argue and force her way on me about this issue, I can feel the dissapointment in her voice, if our wedding were not to turn out the way she imagined with her entire extended family there and a big celebration. It just makes me feel like such an ass for even mentioning it even though she isn't saying it.

    She's nice enough to tell me "Let's think about it" and tell me not to think about it. But just knowing this issue might be challenged again later on makes me pretty stressed about the whole affair.

    So please tell me ladies....what is it about a big wedding that could make an otherwise sensible & frugal woman even contemplate the idea of putting us in potential debt just because she wants to make everyone in her family happy?

    CLIFFS: Thinking ahead about marriage plans. Fiance wants to have a big wedding, but I would rather not have that. It's giving me anxiety & some unnecessary stress.
     
  2. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    Wow I dont even know where to start with this one. Its the fairytale idea that gets instilled with most girls from the time that we are little. But I am with you on your side of the situation. I dont want a big extragavent wedding when I get married but I know there will have to be some people that have to be there and some that will just not come. My dad runs his own business as well its its seasonal when the business is good and bad. But I know there will be some people Ill have to invite for business ties. I would consider myself low on the amount of friends I have, and what i consider immeadiate family grandparents aunts uncles is only about 30-40 people. So my ideal wedding would consist of about 75 people. Is the 150 with your side of the family as well? 150 people is sort of a small to medium sized wedding these days. It think its silly to spend a stupid amount of money on one day, yes its your wedding and only you two if that will know every step of what happened on that day if that (vid cam ftw). Though family can be a really strong influence of who you invite. Dont become bride and groomzillas that stuff is scary. Though I am not married yet but the bf and I have talked about if we did, but still no where near the point of actually being engaged and preparing for marriage. Good Luck to you remember its about compromise. Shes going to have to give a little and your going to have a to give a little as well.
     
  3. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Yeah, I've been told that 150 is actually considered a "small" wedding these days so I guess as a male I've been calibrated wrong :wiggle: I think she was suggesting that 150 people would include my side of the family but in reality I think her side of the family would be HUGE because both her parents come from families with 7 or 8 siblings.

    I guess what's throwing me off is the unexpected change in character. She's always been a very well adjusted person when it comes to savings, spending and investments. More so then me...so she's always pushed me to do the same.

    But now....all of a sudden when the subject matter turns to the wedding, suddenly it seems like her whole mindset has flipped over and I see this other side of her that wants this fantasy wedding. Perhaps I'm just scared over nothing....knock on wood she's just imagining the possibilities for now and things will adjust themselves over time. :x:
     
  4. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    That pretty well sums it up, I think.

    That's possible. She could just be really excited and that "little girl" in her is just brainstorming all the ideas and possibilities.
    Best wishes to you both. I hope you can come up with something that each of you are happy with.
     
  5. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Thanks ladies.

    My best friend made me feel a little better about it after hearing his story...his otherwise conservative fiance flipped out on him for their wedding too when she suddenly wanted lights inside her wedding cake and everything. :eek3:
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Toasty, 150 IS a rather small wedding. 75 people, well either you have a very small social circle or you're being somewhat exclusionary.

    A wedding is not a good time to start picking 'favorites' -- it is a social occasion, a public celebration of your union, a coming together of both sides of the family and friends to mingle.

    I think you might want to keep the idea of 150 as a target benchmark. Lighted wedding cakes, well that's a bit absurd, but 150 guests definitely is not.

    You might want to consult a wedding planner -- not so you can spend more, but so you can SAVE. You don't need to have him or her actually plan the event for you, but you can get ideas on how to save without appearing cheap (because hey, money doesn't fall from the sky) and also you can get a much needed reality check.

    Your fiancee will also have access to someone 'in the biz' and if/when the planner gently shoots down the more outlandish ideas, then at least you don't look like the bad guy.

    You win on all counts, except for having to pay a modest hourly fee. But that fee is something that I feel is well worth it, considering all the positives that flow from it.

    Personally, I think spending a little more on the wedding is a worthwhile investment. This event has significance that is almost without equal in the male psyche.

    A little compromise is ok, but too much....is counter-productive. She will remember this event for the rest of her life. Give her the gift of remembering it FONDLY.

    What's another $5K anyways. You can always earn more money. Note I didn't say to re-mortgage your house. Just another $5-10K. You can do it.
     
  7. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    If she has a large family then 150 isn't that unreasonable. I'm sure her family would give her shit if she left anyone out. Can either of your parents help pay for the wedding?
     
  8. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    I'll keep that advice in mind thanks. Yeah I'm open to inviting people...heck if it's important to her to have her extended family celebrate the occasion I'll try my best. I guess it was just my panic...she had always mentioned she wanted to keep it "small and simple" and so in my mind's eye I had my own vision of what that might be.

    No, I'm basically going to assume this would be all done without parent's help. Her parents are both retired, and my parents are only JUST recovering financially after a freak hiking accident my dad had back in 2002.
     
  9. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Toasty, *IF* you can afford it and it won't put a huge pinch on the two of you financially, I'd say give her what she's probably dreamed of since she was a little girl.
    150 in my mind is huge, but we had under 15 people at ours.
    My best advice is to compromise. Have her write out exactly what she wants, set a budget and STICK TO IT!
     
  10. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    OK. :hsd:

    My only hope is to accomplish this without being in any debt. I better keep putting money aside. At least I got over a year to work it out.
     
  11. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I have never ever had the big white wedding dream. I am in my mid twenties and I haven't even planned my wedding yet.
     
  12. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    Hmm, I wish I knew why so many want a HUGE wedding, regardless of the debt. I want a small, untraditional wedding and so does my bf. I dont need a ton of guests, most probably wouldnt show anyway. I dream about my wedding a lot, mainly when I see one on TV, in the movies, or read about one. That could be where her "fantasy" of a large one derives. I think nearly all girls grow up dreaming of it being big, perfect, and beautiful. I dont think many realize it doesnt have to be massive to be a wonderful, beautiful wedding. I agree with 03 white zx3, try and give her what she dreams of, but also set a budget to do so with.
     
  13. Devilish

    Devilish Remind me AGAIN

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    I'm like you. I'd prefer a small wedding and save the $$ for bigger and better things ie. a future.

    It's all about compromise.

    You need to sit down and work out just who you'd like to be there. Look at the numbers, and if there's far too many, then you'll have to cut it down. Invite those people, instead to the engagement party or just the ceremony alone. Then have the reception for the more intimate friends and family.
     
  14. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I never did either. If I had my choice, it would have been just my husband, my daughter and myself.
     

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