SRS Wasting my life away

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Apollo, Feb 26, 2007.

  1. Apollo

    Apollo Guest

    I'm writing this in my hotel room in Sydney, Australia at 1:30 AM. There are one, maybe two girls having sex in the room next door. I'm not jealous; they're far from attractive.

    At 19 I feel like I have no meaning or purpose in my life. I have no real reason to get up in the morning, besides to eat, go to class, and perform the basic necessities to survive. I used to do a few more things, but I abandoned them, citing them as wastes of time. I haven't, however, found anything to replace those things with so I find myself doing even more pointless shit like posting on OT. I thought that going to a foreign place might somehow change my perspective on life -- that'd I'd finally be able to relate to people in a deeper way. Maybe Sydney is too similar to the U.S., but I haven't found that here. I've spent the last 7 weeks abroad, doing the things you're supposed to do abroad, but none of it is satisfying. I find myself spending money and doing things only to ask myself in the middle of it, "when is this going to be over?" I'm only doing things to say that I've done it. Almost as if there is a list of things I must do before I die in order to have had a meaningful life.

    I haven't had a good, solid, relationship, since probably elementary school. I've never been extremely close with my parents. I tell them what I've been up to, but I never have in my entire life told them what I was feeling. I find I live a very solitary existence, not by choice. I find myself labeling a lot of people as friends, but at the same time I don't feel confident in asking them to hangout in unforced situations. My thought process is this: if we were good enough friends THEY would ask me to hangout, right? I guess breaking into new social circles is hard. I have an even harder time probably due to the fact that I do not socially vibe well. I don't like to feign interest in topics I have no interest in. I come off as aloof, mean, and abrasive. I am mostly quiet, but I can become talkative sometimes. I can be entertaining for one or two meetings, but I'm not the type of person you'd want to hang out with on a regular basis. I don't say much usually in groups because I feel like I don't have any experiences to share as a consequence of my anti-socialness.

    I remember late last year going to visit my old roommate, and having not seen him for a while, wanted to catch up, but I guess I overstayed my welcome and he and his new roommate asked me to leave. After the door closed I stayed near it for a second and heard what they had to say. His new roommate asked him, "what is up with him?" And he said, "He's just lonely, man." I felt like shit after hearing that.

    Something similar happened a couple of weeks ago in New Zealand. Three of us were coming back from town after bar hopping. The one girl asked me, "why are you so mean?" I replied, "when have I ever been mean to you?" She just said I was so negative. She asked what made me happy and why I came all the way to New Zealand to be unhappy. I couldn't really answer her and said, "I don't know." She said, "that's sad" and started crying. She ended up sitting in the park crying for about 3 hours I was told. Maybe it was the alcohol? I don't know.

    Physically? I'm not overweight. I'm probably about right for my height, not too thin or too fat (6'2" 185). I used to be into weightlifting, but I quit a little less than a year ago, so I lost a lot of muscle. I'm extremely self conscious though, especially in large public gatherings. I absolutely hate elevators if I have to ride with strangers. I feel tired all the time and take frequent naps.

    I don't know if I am depressed. I mean, I've thought about suicide, but only in interest. I haven't had any serious thoughts about committing it. I just wonder how my death would play out, who it would affect and how people would react. This is probably just ego driven...



    I don't even really feel this is worth reading, but it's probably good to get this out there. I think this is my first post in the asylum after over 3 years of being on OT.
     
  2. AlcoLOLic

    AlcoLOLic New Member

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    Believe it or not, at 19 these types of feelings are normal for the most part. However you have some genuine hallmarks of depression. I am not a psychologist, nor do I play one on TV, but I have been suicidally depressed within the past year so I'm speaking from experience. I've now got more to live for than ever before, and I'm so glad that I didn't do anything rash.

    Medication and cognitive therapies will do a lot of good, but of course the therapies will return what is put into them.

    If I was in your position I would be so happy I would burst...I have always loved the idea of living in Australia for a while, and have always wanted to visit New Zealand. I would relish the idea of making new friends...Australians and Kiwis are world renowned for being friendly and approachable. All this from a guy who is VERY aloof and is EXTREMELY introverted.

    Again...my strong suggestion is to get into therapy and begin a drug regimen for what your therapist/physician feels is appropriate, to get you through the rough patches. Then, you can begin to live life the way it was supposed to be lived - happy.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Its hard for people to post their peronal problems, but you shouldn't make your heart a murderhole, piling up stuff until you mentally cannot take the load anymore isn't a good thing. Its like a steam kettle, it needs to vent every while to release some steam otherwhise it will explode, but it needs to be fired up to an extend to get things done in life.

    The meaning of life is to love and help other people, that is the only thing in the universe that gives fulfillment to the soul. My advice therefore for you is to obtain a spiritual life, where you start working and improving your spiritual perspective on life, also filling up the empty gaps so you can enjoy life.

    But there are some flaws in how you currently think about life which result in you being a lonely person.

    The automatic happyness syndrome, where you expect life and others to make you automatically happy without having to invest any effort at all.

    Its a nice thought but unfortunatly life doesn't work that way. I who was a lonely person, had a dream in which i confronted my uncle with my lonelyness ' he replied '

    'if you don't want to be lonely then you have to step towards the people'

    Best darn advice i ever had in a dream, and its true. The acknowledgment that there are no leperchauns who are going to make your life happy is important. Because it makes you understand that you have to bring the power of your life back to where it belongs, namely in YOUR hands. In that it means that life is what you make of it.

    So location in that perspective isn't important, wether you be in california, south america or australia, problems of the mind follow you wherever you goto. Which is proven that you went all the way to New-Zealand and brought your negativity over to that girl along with you.

    So don't be your own worst enemy when it comes to meeting people. People who put their minds on zero and just enjoy the moment will most likely have more fun then someone who's constantly thinking in the head (omg this,omg that)

    Just as a mirror reflects a person's image. People reflect their own hearts.

    So try smiling, and use humor, because no one likes to be around sad and depressed people, i know you don't like to fake it, so try to make it genuine. Someone once said 'You have to give more meaning to your meaningless life.' , its important to understand that when you are in a rut, you need to give a swing to your life into another positive constructive direction.
     
  4. Maybe

    Maybe Maybe not Maybe fuck yourself

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    Nice.
     
  5. kpop

    kpop New Member

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    i think your problem is your bieng too serious at life

    i used to be like that - when people had conversations - i would be like - thats a stupid topic wtf is the point in joining in

    but then i relaxed a bit, and just talking nonsense with friends can actually be amusing, and teaches you to just relax and not be so serious all the time. this in turns makes you less self concious.

    and dont come off as bieng needy - for example overstaying with your room mates - learn to read situations and make an early exit rather than an annoyed overstay
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Agreed. Remember the comedian adage: "Always leave them laughing." If you walk away in the middle of a funny routine they will want to see you again. If you make them tired of you, they won't.

    Is that kpop like the music? I can't believe that name wasn't taken by the time you registered in Jan 07.
     
  7. Apollo

    Apollo Guest

    yeah, i actually try really hard not to be needy. :hs:

    i know people will be doing stuff, but i don't go with them because i don't want to invite myself.

    i don't think it's the content of the conversation really. i feel like i don't have something good to contribute most of the times. a lot of times i try to contribute and i get drowned out by someone else.
     
  8. Boosh Dag

    Boosh Dag Guest

    I used tp be pretty introverted, I cared so much about looking foolish in front of people I didn't know so I would always be quiet and try to stay out the way. Really shy and all that. One day I just realized to fuck it. Fuck being shy fuck what other people think. Just take that step to be out going one time and I ganentee the next time will be that much easier, and you'll start feeling great about yourself in no time. Just fuck it man.


    edit: I was just in sydney for 6 months man, just got back in december, you should be having a blast. I know some people gong to maquarie university and if you want some cool people to hang out with and go to the bars with let me know. I'll make sure they show you a good time.
     
  9. SpaMan

    SpaMan Mind over matter.

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    I think it's understandable to feel that way especially when you're realizing that 'you're growing up' and the society is pulling you in whether you like it or not. I think a lot of it is a subconcious urge to do and be something great, not just working in a necessary job to make ends meet like a lot of people. It's also the fact that when we look at our parents, how old and tired they get from their jobs it isnt very encouraging. Unless we're lucky enough to have parents doing exactly what they want to be doing in their life, with the perfecty cheerful disposition that's hard to find these days.

    Your purpose in life is what you make it, you need to choose what your purpose is and expand on it. Relax your mind and stop focusing on the fact you have no purpose or friends and focus on the fact you do infact have unrealized purpose that you really want. My main example is complaining about what you don't have, or going to doctors trying to figure out what's wrong with you. The fact is you know what's wrong, you have the problem laid out in front of you. It's up to you to start feeling like you deserve these things that you want so badly instead of feeling like you'll never get them.

    Money and all the petty working grind is so temporary, but happiness is intangible and unmatched once you realize it in your life. Sounds like you've been unhappy for awhile and that's what's keeping you from becoming close to others. Even you've said it, you give off an unfriendly vibe. That's all based on what you're feeling, which is unhappiness. No one likes to be around someone who is unhappy or a drag no offense of course.

    I know what you're goin through too, but once you take that step to be positive no matter what you'll see a huge change in your life.
     
  10. Marmitha

    Marmitha Milk ftw

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    you need a good bear hug :hug: :hug:
     
  11. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    Our social situations seem very similar, also our thoughts about it. I don't like inviting myself along and forcing people to hang out, etc. Makes me feel as if they'd rather not have me hanging around. The latest friends I made (or thought) began inviting me to hang out until I realized I was being used for rides.

    I wish I had more advice for you I just wanted share that last bit.. Just hope for the better and find something you enjoy doing.
     
  12. kpop

    kpop New Member

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    you also might be hanging around with the wrong crowd

    try not to judge people, see which 'group' of people you fit in with most, and hang with them :)

    try to get into a situation where you are foced to deal with people - group assignments, sporting clubs - im sure your uni offers these :big grin:
     
  13. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    If I went to a major uni I would do that but I don't and we have no clubs here.
     
  14. Maybe

    Maybe Maybe not Maybe fuck yourself

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    I know someone who goes to Macquarie Uni too :wavey:

    Yeah Apollo, if you need some dudes to hang with when you get back to Sydney, give us a shout
     
  15. robb817

    robb817 New Member

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    :werd:

    find something that makes you happy and just roll with it. everything else is just background noise.
     

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