I'm writing this in my hotel room in Sydney, Australia at 1:30 AM. There are one, maybe two girls having sex in the room next door. I'm not jealous; they're far from attractive. At 19 I feel like I have no meaning or purpose in my life. I have no real reason to get up in the morning, besides to eat, go to class, and perform the basic necessities to survive. I used to do a few more things, but I abandoned them, citing them as wastes of time. I haven't, however, found anything to replace those things with so I find myself doing even more pointless shit like posting on OT. I thought that going to a foreign place might somehow change my perspective on life -- that'd I'd finally be able to relate to people in a deeper way. Maybe Sydney is too similar to the U.S., but I haven't found that here. I've spent the last 7 weeks abroad, doing the things you're supposed to do abroad, but none of it is satisfying. I find myself spending money and doing things only to ask myself in the middle of it, "when is this going to be over?" I'm only doing things to say that I've done it. Almost as if there is a list of things I must do before I die in order to have had a meaningful life. I haven't had a good, solid, relationship, since probably elementary school. I've never been extremely close with my parents. I tell them what I've been up to, but I never have in my entire life told them what I was feeling. I find I live a very solitary existence, not by choice. I find myself labeling a lot of people as friends, but at the same time I don't feel confident in asking them to hangout in unforced situations. My thought process is this: if we were good enough friends THEY would ask me to hangout, right? I guess breaking into new social circles is hard. I have an even harder time probably due to the fact that I do not socially vibe well. I don't like to feign interest in topics I have no interest in. I come off as aloof, mean, and abrasive. I am mostly quiet, but I can become talkative sometimes. I can be entertaining for one or two meetings, but I'm not the type of person you'd want to hang out with on a regular basis. I don't say much usually in groups because I feel like I don't have any experiences to share as a consequence of my anti-socialness. I remember late last year going to visit my old roommate, and having not seen him for a while, wanted to catch up, but I guess I overstayed my welcome and he and his new roommate asked me to leave. After the door closed I stayed near it for a second and heard what they had to say. His new roommate asked him, "what is up with him?" And he said, "He's just lonely, man." I felt like shit after hearing that. Something similar happened a couple of weeks ago in New Zealand. Three of us were coming back from town after bar hopping. The one girl asked me, "why are you so mean?" I replied, "when have I ever been mean to you?" She just said I was so negative. She asked what made me happy and why I came all the way to New Zealand to be unhappy. I couldn't really answer her and said, "I don't know." She said, "that's sad" and started crying. She ended up sitting in the park crying for about 3 hours I was told. Maybe it was the alcohol? I don't know. Physically? I'm not overweight. I'm probably about right for my height, not too thin or too fat (6'2" 185). I used to be into weightlifting, but I quit a little less than a year ago, so I lost a lot of muscle. I'm extremely self conscious though, especially in large public gatherings. I absolutely hate elevators if I have to ride with strangers. I feel tired all the time and take frequent naps. I don't know if I am depressed. I mean, I've thought about suicide, but only in interest. I haven't had any serious thoughts about committing it. I just wonder how my death would play out, who it would affect and how people would react. This is probably just ego driven... I don't even really feel this is worth reading, but it's probably good to get this out there. I think this is my first post in the asylum after over 3 years of being on OT.