SRS was about to do something really stupid

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by bounty_hunter, Oct 22, 2007.

  1. bounty_hunter

    bounty_hunter New Member

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    Kill myself, I'm afraid. It seems like this is just for attention but the anonymity is making me do this. I've never been so afraid for myself, I've never been that close before.

    I just saw everything flash before my eyes and I saw myself lying on the floor falling asleep for one last time. It wouldn't hurt, the shock and numbness would've just made everything really hot,, i'd put towels on the floor and die quitely and alone and I know I'd be happy during all of it.


    I wasn't thinking about others, I wasn't thinking about who would mourn me or there after. My friends and family would be shocked and surprised, especially my friend raphael looking back on today. He saw me in such a good mood. I just came back from the gym and went into the bathroom to pee when a sense a calmness came over me and thought those thoughts.

    I honestly don't know what stopped me, it wasn't thinking about my friends and family, it was thinking that I had hope or something to look foward to. It wasn't faith based, it wasn't the fear of death or my human instinct to survive. The will to live had been broken at that second and if I had reached into the pants right next to me and took out a really sharp box cutter I would've ended it all but instead I stumbled back and saw OT on the screen and decided to type this but not before bursting into tears (which I haven't done in years) by the second paragraph and taking a shower.

    I'm fine now I think, but ironic how I was so against suicide and was absolutely ready to do it and accept that I am a coward.

    now what?
     
  2. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    Glad you're still with us man.

    Death is the only sure thing we have in life. Why rush a sure thing? One day the pain will all end, but you don't know what tomorrow holds, and that alone makes it all worth it.

    Dunno what else to say. Give us more details as to why you're feeling so down that you feel the need to kill yourself.
     
  3. SmugDruggler

    SmugDruggler New Member

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    Coming to this kind of point is not a thing that should be taken lightly. You may want to start talking to a therapist, not necessarily about this, but just to open a line of support if you need it.

    The image of a peaceful fading out is a bit irrational, I'm afraid. Even the means of professional killing that we have with lethal injection is not painless, apparently. It's more likely there would be a period of dozing followed by a period of shocked and disoriented semi consciousness as your body starts to die, convulsions and seizing and then a long clench into death.

    Ask anyone who cleans up after this kind of crap -it's pretty unrealistic to have a nice cozy death.

    Anyway, instead of thinking how you can prove me wrong, let's pay attention to how surreal things have gotten for you lately. There are people whose JOB it is to understand, as much as possible, the situation you're in. Reach out and explore that. Keep it anonymous at first, but what the hell is there to lose, yknow?
     
  4. Schadenfreude1

    Schadenfreude1 New Member

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    Seek help ASAP. May you find the strength to carry on and thrive.
     
  5. bounty_hunter

    bounty_hunter New Member

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    thanks for the kind words everyone
     
  6. Chickenbum

    Chickenbum TOTW Winnar & Fav '06 ;)

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    let me tell you a story.

    about 2 months ago (you can check my previous posts if you dont beleive me) about 2 months ago my gf broke up with me, whatever really. But i was so down my poor mother thought she had caused it.

    For some reason my mum thought she could set me free by killing herself. I was out in my car at the beach and i got a call from a family friend saying "your mum just called, she took some tablets and she said she was going to a happy place"

    Now the feeling that your own mother didnt want to be around you is terrible, the fact that she would leave behind questions unanswered, why do it, what made you do it? was it me that made you do it? i would have this on my the rest of my life and it would probably make me do it too.

    Fortunately the 16 valium and 20 sleeping tablets didnt kill her, it put her in a coma for 2 whole weeks, where i sat at her side day and night, crying, wondering if she would ever wake up, wondering if she would do it again, why me....



    Long story short, is she is ok now. but what im getting at is Suicide is an easy way out, all that happens is you handball all your problems on to someone else, ie your family and friends, they are the ones that have to live with it, they are the ones you punish and they are the ones that have to pick up the peices.

    Its not a nice thing to do, and its not a nice thing to do to your loved ones, it hurts them infinitley more than it will hurt you.

    Seek help my friend, people will always listen.


    PM me if you wanna chat.

    Jim
     
  7. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    I'm glad you're still alive and with us. I agree with chickenbum. My grandfather committed suicide before I was even born. So, my grandmother struggled a lot, having to support and raise 5 children on her own. It was very hard for my mom to walk down the aisle on her wedding, without her father (my mom was about 14 when this happened). So, what I'm trying to say here is although you may think nobody cares about you, there are a lot that actually do and you're gonna hurt your family and friends. Just try talking to someone, it doesn't have to be a professional (although that would be better for you), sometimes all you need is someone to talk to and take you out of whatever situation your going through. If you can't find anyone around you that can lend a listening ear, we're all hear for you too. :hug:
     
  8. keysmachine

    keysmachine New Member

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    i had a friend of mine.. not a close friend but a friend none the less who killed himself because his girlfriend broke up with him. everybody went to his funeral except me. What did i do play xbox 360 and enjoyed my day off from work.

    why? because i have no pity for those who do selfless things like that. NOTHING in life is worth killing yourself over. He knew that but took a shitty way out. Haven't even seen his grave stone since the day he was put to rest. and probably never will.
     
  9. bounty_hunter

    bounty_hunter New Member

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    The sense of something being there tommorrow, gone, is a good reason why. Personally thats what really got me, I felt like tommorrow wouldn't be a better day and why bother. Why trudge through life even when I was believing the lie? Through blind optimism I lived life with a positive attitude no matter how shitty things got. I always thought I was just paying my dues, y'know? Once you lose that hope, once you lose that something that kept you going when you didn't even know it

    I went into work and put on the same smile and gave the same answers to satisfy people as I went to lunch I thought to myself what happened last night and it just seems like I was suppose to do it. I won't do it because yes it is selfish but I am such a selfless person all the time I deserve to be selfish just once.

    Trust me I was in your shoes man, I've had a total of 6 close friends kill themselves over the years and so i didn't mourn I got angry at them, calling them weak and selfish, but now I know.

    The catalyst of all was yes, a girl. But a little history, I am an orphan and a bastard. Mother died while giving birth to me and unlike the movies where the dad loves the son unconditionally, he hated me. abused me and abandoned me, these are my military kid days, he'd leave me in random countries with random families for long periods of time. Everytime I'd succeed he'd tear me down with my half brother joining the whole thing. I was pretty smart and got excepted into a program where my teacher was my father figure.


    At 11 my dad died, my brother (who was at age at the time) didn't want to take custody of me so I was adopted out. My moms best friend took me in but I was always the outcast. yadda yadda grandfather dies , leaves me all of his money to spite his children (the italian side hates me, long story as well) so I'm pretty well off.

    Foster mom goes through fanacial trouble I help her, figure out shes bad with money and stubborn, help her despite of this (and because her son is autistic and I love him like a brother), so I'm expected to bail her out and if I don't im just a selfish asshole.

    so fastfoward to now, I live my life pretty quietly, I'm the funny guy, goofy guy. I get no problems getting laid or girls to like me but never had a long term relationship because people get really close and it's an investment for me. Yes I probably do need a therapist but I've had my teacher for guidance until last feb on valentines when he died from cancer. I didn't shed a single tear for that man, I just felt nothing inside.

    Then I met her, we were co-workers who were platonic friends, then on a "buisness" trip we got to know each other and we really clicked where we were. I hate to sound cliche, but we both agreed how everything was really eerie on how we were in the same wave length. we dated it was fun, we argued but got over it fast. But I fucked up and let my insecurities and half truths get in this which fucked everything up. It sucks bt this is completely my fault, we broke up last weekend (3 days ago).

    Now I had been hit by a car about a year and a half ago. It wasn't anything major I fully recovered within a month and I'm not one to milk money, I've seen what money does to people. So after a year of this shit I finally settled with medical bills paid and 2500 bucks (with lawyer comes out to 1650). WHich I was happy for it, I'd move out of this apt ( roomate stole money from me and since I've known her for a long time I was trusting aka dumb enough to pay her cash) and make a down payment on a new car


    lo and behold my mother needs 1500 bucks to make her rent or else shes kicked out which I agree too and hope to find a cheap room by nov.This is the day of me being dumped, me heading back from boston, being stranded since a friend flaked out on me, looking at my phone and realizing how truely alone I really am.

    Saturday I was completely fine, sunday where I actually had time to think was the toughest, tried my best but fell into such a downward spiral that by the time I knew I was probably 10 seconds away from actually doing it.

    I mean I always have these saying that life can knock you down, burn you alive then pee on your smoking husk and all that matters is how you get up and keep going but when i don't even believe those words anymore, whats the point?

    Yes I probably need a therapist, but I cannot afford one right now, I have friends but I am their stone wall for them to lean on. She was my stone wall and that crumbled (yea it sounded lame) all because I was too broken to realize what i had.
     

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