Discussion in 'On Topic' started by tigerlily, Feb 11, 2005.
I am posting this for a friend on OT who wishes to remain anonymous
The sooner you start your life on the right foot, the easier it will be. At least you recognize how miserable your life could end up being and you want to take steps NOW to make sure it does not end up that way - i agree. Maybe you need to seperate from your wife and start over again. Take some time for yourself, go think about things and get shit fixed. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe having a baby just wasn't in the cards for the 2 of you Good luck
I think you recognize the futility of your effort, and I think you also know what the right thing to do is. It's a process you're moving through, so I encourage you to continue discussing it, praying/meditating/thinking on it - and asking someone like your Pastor or Priest for insight into how to arrive at the other end of this process in the best way possible.
If you truly love your wife, you should try to make this work. But if you see no future with her, maybe you two just weren't meant to be. I think you should take some time and try to find out why you fell in love with your wife in the first place, look into how you can get that back.
Maybe it is beyond repair, but if you don't at least give it a chance, you will always look back and wonder if it was ever truly something you could have fixed.
Thanks. We've actually both agreed to start seeing an independant counselor and are going to start with a joint session one night this week. He may want to meet with us separately as we progress, but we figured it was best to meet together at least once and sort of get everything out on the table.
We have talked about seperating for a while but we are both afraid that if we do that, we will both adjust to the solitary life and not want to get back together. Right now I agree that being alone would be better than being miserable, but we both also see being alone as a possible danger.
Fact is, if we seperated, I would likely start casually seeing this girl from work -- especially if after a few weeks (i.e. month or so) it seemed like my wife and I were really drifting apart with no hope of our marriage working.
I realize that I am very attracted to this other person and I know that I don't need that temptation right now. Besides, as my wife and I work things out, I know that the attraction to this other person will likely die out. The grass just looks greener when you're unhappy I guess.
I agree with all of this. Hopefully we can work through some things with a counselor acting as both a referee and an impartial advocate, and rediscover why we fell in love to begin with.
If we just can't pull it off, we've both agreed that we will end things amicably.
I'm hoping we can pull it off. Thanks for the replies, all.
You do the best you can, and that's all you can do.
Good luck with counseling, as long as you both really want it to work, it will probably help. Take things as they come and if it isnt meant to be, dont stress over it. Its good though that you are putting work into making it right, rather than just letting it go.
Best of luck to both of you
We only have one life and we should try our best to be happy. If you think this relationship will only keep you unhappy then move on and try to find happiness.
Just wanted to thank Tiger Lilly for posting these past few things for me. We have been to two counselling sessions so far and it doesn't look like there is much hope.
That's too bad, but it's really for the best.
When I read your situation, I see an awful lot of me in there. I've walked that road, hell, I'm still on it.
I think it's good that you sought some counselling. Remember that counselling is basically facilitated communication. If you two really want to work it out, but don't have the skills or tools to do so, counselling helps.
Counselling cannot change your basic feelings about something. Meaning, if one of you doesn't want to stay together -- counselling isn't going to "convince" her to do so.
It really sounds like she wants out. Let her go. Honestly. Probably hurts to even hear that, but there it is.
I think you should continue to go to counselling, but for yourself. The other thing you can get out of it, is a roadmap to putting your life back together. It can really help you pick up the pieces. Any other cliches I've forgotten to throw in here?
Stay strong, and keep going to counselling. If she doesn't want to, don't try to 'convince' her to go. You should focus on yourself. Healing yourself. Protecting yourself. She'll be just fine without you.
Actually I think I'm more the one who wants out.
We both agree that we need to continue counselling regardless of whether or not we stay together. We each have "issues" that we need to confront and resolve for ourselves -- and for whomever else we may let into our lives later if our marriage doesn't survive.
Do your best to work on it now.... hopefully things will get better in the long run. If they don't, I think you know what you to do. No one should stay together just for the sake of staying together. But no one should give up on a relationship merely because things have gone by the wayside, especially in marraige. I think you would regret if you didn't give it a good try, but it looks like that's exactly what you're doing.
Good luck with your marraige and both you and your wife's happiness.
Reviving this thread for anyone who cares about such things...
My wife and I have been attending counselling now for a few weeks. We did a session once as a couple and have been doing sessions individually now for the past three sessions. I can honestly say that it has helped me personally, but not much headway at all has been made on our marriage issues.
The counsellor has told me that he is having a very hard time getting my wife to come to terms with her part of the responsibility in the problems that we're having and that she constantly tries to shift the blame off on me or others (my family, our friends, etc.) rather than take ownership herself.
Basically, she refuses to see that she's part of the problem so therefore she won't be part of the solution.
At my last meeting with the counsellor, I told him that I have honestly reached the end of my rope and that I feel like our marriage is on it's last legs. I can't carry all of the burden myself and I refuse to allow myself to be guilted into taking more thany fair share of the blame. It's not healthy for me to do so and it doesn't help matters any in the least. The counsellor agreed 100% with that thought process and has begun discussing the impact that a divorce will have on both of us emotionally and is more or less helping prepare me for a worst case outcome.
We're supposed to meet together as a couple at least once more with the counsellor so that he can help us either make a stand to fight for the marriage or help us transition into being two individuals again instead of a married couple.
Right now I really can't imagine life without her, but also I can't imagine being miserable for the rest of my life either. Likewise, I don't want my wife to be miserable forever so I know that if it really does appear to be a hopeless situation, the greatest act of love that I could show would be to release her so that she can try to find some happiness for herself. Even if it means her just being alone or maybe with someone more compatible.
On a different note...
Things are still kind of "weird" with this girl at work who I think is interested in me and whom I am increasingly attracted to. I know that the grass always seems greener on the other side (and rarely is) but something about this just strikes me as being more than a silly crush or wishful thinking. We just really click on so many different levels... and it's not like we're searching for things that we have in common.
Just in trivial daily conversations we've discovered that we have countless things that we both enjoy doing or that are important to us.
It's dangerous ground to tread on right now, I know, but I just enjoy spending time around her and talking to her as a friend. And I feel somewhat comforted by the fact that we both have a strong sense of morality and ethics that would prohibit us from taking action on anything until well after my divorce -- if it were to happen.
Anyway, just wanted to vent some more. I've got a few really good, trustworthy friends who know me, know my situation and who have been good about listening to me... but somehow putting it all down in writing like this just helps me sort it out better myself.
Bottom line: I love my wife. I want her to be happy and I want me to be happy too. But we've grown so far apart and there are so many other issues involved that I just feel like we've become miserably content. Unhappy but not willing to go through the trouble or heartache of calling it quits.
To make it worse, I've found someone with whom I share a ton of things in common with and whom I think I could really be happy dating (or more) if I were single again. But my own personal religious, moral and ethical convictions would stop me dead in my tracks if I were to even think about getting involved with prior to getting a divorce.
Cliffs: My life sucks right now.