SRS Want to ask female friend out. Need advice.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by killer4605, Nov 20, 2006.

  1. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    Ok,

    I've got this lady friend named erika. I'd like to ask her out on a date preferably for tonight or tomorrow afternoon because tuesday night I am leaving for thanksgiving break and she is leaving weds morning. I don't think i'm friendzoned because we only hang out once or twice a month and it is always with a mutual female friend.

    I wanted to ask erika out a few weeks ago but someone that she really liked asked her out and I didn't want to get in the way. Saturday I found out that things with that guy went to shit and she's trying to get over her crush.

    Anywho, I definitely want to ask her out today and she's already told me she's going to be free today and tomorrow. I haven't done this in a long time so I could really use some advice.

    What do I do, say, how do I start it, etc? What should I suggest we do? Dinner? (don't want to do a movie for sure. pointless for a first date).

    I was thinking of just calling her up today and saying something along the lines of "hey Erika, i've wanted to ask you this for a while now.. Do you want to ____________ (have dinner, do this, that, etc) with me tonight?"


    I've already talked to our mutual friend about liking erika and she told me I should ask her out. The one thing that's held me back is both of these girls are friends with my ex (infact, that's how i met them), but my ex has been a complete bitch to them ever since she broke up with me and they haven't hung out with her in weeks. Both seem pretty sick of her ass too (they always bring her up.. i never do because i don't give a shit anymore).

    ANYWAYS, the mutual friend told me I should ask erika out. In fact she said "So matt... you're not going to ask erika out just because of tiffany? (my ex) Does that really make any sense to you?"

    So the friend gave me the green light now I need your advice on how to go about doing this.
     
  2. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    Better yet, don't beat around the bush. The above approach could be misconstrued as a friend thing.

    Just call her up and tell her you want to take her out on a date, and ask her when is good for her.
     
  3. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    so does "would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?" count or do i have to specifically state "go on a date with me"

    i mean if she asked if it was as a date of course i would say yes
     
  4. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    so definitely go for a kiss on the first date?
     
  5. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    bah i was about to call her up and her friend told me she wants to talk to me first... but she's not free until 7 :noes:
     
  6. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    eh. looks like it's a no go on the askin her out. pretty sure her friend is going to tell me she's not interested. if so, i'm not going to push the issue and make things awkward between us. there are plenty more ladies out there :fawk:
     
  7. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Man, I just posted this link, you could use it too:

    http://www.friendzoned.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3

    An article I wrote a long time ago about how and why to ask a woman out on a date.

    Cut to the chase:

    Also, for reference, STOP talking to her girlfriend about what you are going to do/want to do. You should avoid talking to anyone who could potentially get back to her with the word. You never even talked to her, and who knows what this friend was really doing. Next time, be the adult male and get the news from the source.
     
  8. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    well i could use your advice on this. our mutual friend came over tonight and she (samantha) told me that the only real reason she has for not asking erika out is because i used to date their friend tiffany. she gave me all this stuff about unwritten rule blah blah not dating a friend's ex and all that shit. they don't really talk to tiffany much anymore and she's turned into a real bitch since she's started dating someone else... but samantha still thinks that erika will be loyal to tiffany and say no.

    i would ask anyways but i want to get your opinion on this matter first since it isn't your typical situation when asking a girl out. also, erika is going on a date tomorrow night with some guy that's been bugging her to go out so she will be busy except for the afternoon.

    anyways, what do you think? still go for it? give it time first (thanksgiving break)? give up?
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    you went from sounding positive to cocky to owned to rejected...all without saying a word to her, and in the space of about 5 hours. Amazing.

    Maybe you should stop with the grandiose plans (dinner? go for a kiss? as if...) and the rationalization (will she be loyal to ex? will she calculate and recalculate all the possible vectors of rejection? will she analyze how to hurl my sorry ass along the curve of fastest descent?)

    sheesh! just call her up and say something like
    You "hey, erika, this is Mr X."
    She "hey X, what's up?"
    You "not much, you busy on Thursday night?"

    feh...you ought to know how the rest should sound. Please don't do the dinner in a fancy restaurant thing for a first date. YOU ARE NOT THERE TO IMPRESS HER.

    Nothing could be geekier than showing up in a stupid limo with a powder blue tux on and a shitfaced grin that says "HIDELEE HO!! You're my firstest date ever!"

    Think that's absurd? Think that's unreal? Your grand imagined scenarios aren't too far off from that. Which starts to scare you off.

    So stop with the bs, and just call her up for a coffee or pizza or something fun & casual & light. You make it sound like it has to be a carefully ramped up event, requiring weeks to mentally prepare yourself.

    If you're not good at making conversation, i.e. your sparkling personality isn't going to carry you along, then make a group date. Invite her out to something the group is doing. Something SUITABLE. Not an all-guys thing.

    It really isn't that hard.



    You're right there are plenty more ladies out there. So what? You think asking her for a slice of pizza is going to make things more awkward?

    What's actually awkward here, is you backing out of these very reasonable, very doable opportunities due to some trumped up reasons for not following through.

    Are you seriously this whipped by your ex? Or are you really so afraid, that the 'ex' becomes a convenient reason to back out?


    Neither of these hold any water, so therefore: Just ask her.
    If she says no, that's fine. Smile, be gracious, and let it roll right off your back.
     
  10. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    Meh, you're right. I'll call her tomorrow and see if she wants to go out for lunch or coffee or something. And no, i'm not whipped by my ex. I don't give two shits about what my ex would think or say, I was just saying that I didn't think she would go out with me because she is (was?) friends with my ex. Which is pretty much the same thing samantha told me tonight.

    No you know what, fuck it. I'll call her ass right now. Hold on.

    There. I called. Starts with her then me and alternates.

    "hello?"
    "Hey! whats up?"
    "mm nothin much what about you?"
    "Just wanted to see if you were busy tomorrow"

    "well i have class from 3-6 but before that i'm free. why?"

    "ok well do you want to hit up little italy (pizza place) for lunch tomorrow?"
    "oh yeah that sounds great"
    "I don't have any classes tomorrow so we can just go when you are free"
    "how's 12?"
    "yeah that works. I'll give you a call around then"
    "do you want me to meet you at your place or pick me up?"
    "i'll pick you up, it's no problem"
    "ok sounds good i'll see you tomorrow"
    "ok bye"
    "bye"

    almost exact transcript.

    now what johan :p
     
  11. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Ha ha awesome, you called her, and guess what she reciprocated, and it sounds like she's not totally averse to the sight of you.

    Wasn't that hard was it? She didn't blow you off, did she? She didn't make excuses or become weird or vague or evasive. How easy was that?

    As in all things in life, just the smallest measure of courage...and suddenly the world becomes a very different place.

    Anyways, from the sounds of it, she seems like she's....curious.



    So now...just pick her up. Don't be late. Don't be too early. Right on time is correct.

    And you have a built in relief valve, she has to go to class. So let that take all the stress off your mind. Feel....free. Free to just hang out and chill. Free to release the inner dork and tell him to take a hike.

    And hey don't feel bad, all of us had an inner dork. It's what got you through Calculus 110. But you don't need him this time.

    So feel free to relax. Talk about movies you like, ask her about stuff she likes to do.

    If you two hit it off and enjoy each other's company...great.
    If not...just be cool, give her a ride back to wherever she's going.
    Just say you had good (or great) time.

    Report back afterward.

    If everything went well...then you should consider scheduling something for the weekend. That's when the hand-holding and arm-around-the-shoulder should begin. The kiss comes later. LATER.



    Remember, YOU are in the driver's seat. You are not there to impress her. If anything, you are subtlely interviewing her. Keep that in mind, and you will subconsciously communicate the high(er) status required for you to succeed.

    BUT! If she doesn't do it for ya... then be polite, but don't continue on. Plenty of fish yadda yadda.

    Good luck.
     
  12. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    So does it matter whether she thinks this is a date or just friends going out for lunch?

    This will be the first time she and I have ever done anything alone (assuming she doesn't invite samantha). I'm going to go with the flow, but if she asks me during or after if my intentions were to go on a date should I just be straight forward and say yes or what?

    And yeah, I was surprised by the tone of her voice :rofl:.
     
  13. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    right now you're in an ambiguous area, so you need to make certain she understands its a date, so she can say no if she's not interested, instead of leading you on unknowingly. Make sure you use the word 'date'
     
  14. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    do you have anything to lose by asking her out?
     
  15. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    ummm.... no, you should lie and tell her you just want to be friends :rolleyes:

    in fact, i'd go one step further, through the course of lunch, I'd say to her 'you know, I've been thinking I'd like more than just friendship with you' or something along those lines
     
  16. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    well i was asking in hindsight, since i already called her and asked her to lunch but i didn't say do you want to go on a date.

    and is your second comment for real or sarcastic?
     
  17. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    johan i've only dated 1 person in my entire life (my ex) and that was odd highschool shit... it was nothing like this. we had been flirting for a month before we actually went on a "date" and my idiot friend ended up tagging along the first few times :nono:.

    trust me, i'm a noob to this.

    i just want some solid advice here. i'm not trying to overanalyze anything it's just that this is all very new to me.
     
  18. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Again with the over analysis. You don't need her to sign a letter of intent prior to the date.

    You just communicate your intent by the tone of your voice, the look in your eye, the subtlely masculine yet NOT macho or creepy or cheesy body language.

    You don't need a set of flash cards to communicate this is a date.

    I'm sure you can sense the date vibe when a girl is giving it to you. Can't you do the same back to her?


    Anyways,... NO it doesn't matter whether she thinks this is a date or "just friends" If she has half a brain, she'll have some clue as to why you asked her. The agenda doesn't depend solely on her.

    Next, your behaviour on the first date will confirm this. You can do all of this without uttering the words "Erika, THIS IS A DATE, ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?"



    So after you have this first encounter with her, assess whether she was cool or not, whether she is worth YOUR time. Forget about what she wants. What do YOU want. Driver's seat. Remember?

    Take it from there.....

    good luck.



    PS if she seriously straight out asks you "is this a date" well...if she actually asks that. she is a bigger geek than I thought. Just be straight with her.

    Of course the real answer is to reply with a question "well...What do you think?" and flash a killer sly smile that makes her so squishy she slides right off her chair. Get the idea?
     
  19. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I sincerely believe that you will do fine if you:

    1) have courage and take the plunge to interact with girls

    2) stop analysing and trying to control the outcome

    3) focus on being fun, happy, bright, active, social and enjoyable to be with

    4) keep interacting with girls, lots more where the last ones came from

    5) relax and be yourself.


    You seem like a nice guy, don't worry you'll meet girls who like you for YOU.

    Just remember points 1 to 4, and if you meet/discard several girls before finding the real keeper....well that's what dating is FOR!

    Good luck. You'll be fine. Just RELAX.
     
  20. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    ok ok last question... i should pay for her lunch, right?

    something like "hey i invited you out, it's on me." if she asks why i'm paying.
     
  21. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Wow, this went fast! :bigthumb:

    Allow me to clarify ONE important thing:

    Actually, it is VERY important to set the expectations here, because you need to judge from her reaction if she is into you or not.

    If you don't ask her on a date, she's going to show up in jeans and a t-shirt. If she KNOWS it's a date it allows her to get ready, dress to impress, and also to respond appropriately to your advances. Without making your intentions clear, by hinting (a very female and passive, un-male trait) you are moving closer to friendzone. Don't do that!

    Make your intentions clear. Are you afraid to ask her on a "date"? If so, you have to get over that. Right now she *doesn't* know it's a date, and you are forcing YOURSELF to be in limbo. You still don't have an answer from her as to if she likes you or not! :nono: The whole point of asking a woman on a date is to FIND OUT if she likes you or not.

    Now, if she doesn't like you, she'll make excuses to not go out with you.

    If she DOES like you, she'll come dressed her best, high heels and a nice outfit, nicely done make-up and hair, etc. Why? Because you let her know in advance what you were looking for so she was able to prepare. This is why you go some place nice, not to the local Round Table pizza place. You could also just go on a walk somewhere nice, picnic lunch, something, but still allow her to get made up to impress you.

    The goal, in my experience, is to find out if she is into you or not. Until you know if a woman likes you, you are wasting time and have not gotten anywhere.

    I would also say that pizza doesn't seem like a great date, for future reference. Coffee or bakeries are good because there is little food, no messy cheese and sauce, and it's more upscale-ish yet still inexpensive.

    Yes, if you ask her on a date, you do pay. If she refuses to let you pay, she doesn't think it's a date.

    I think you made good progress to call, but think about the whole purpose - you didn't make your intentions clear, you cannot judge her reaction, and she likely doesn't know it's a date so will be unprepared. Now you could do as mentioned above, flirting and all, which is GOOD ADVICE, but it may catch her off guard.

    Keep the plans. Be yourself, be honest, be fun, flirt and joke and all that. If she rejects you, that is the whole point. And remember, excuses from a woman = no. A woman who is into you will do whatever she can to spend time with you.

    Finally, don't talk to those other people about anything any more. The only information you can trust is first-hand from her. Besides, women typically give very bad relationship advice (although we have some smart ones here on OT!) so steer clear. Not to mention, they WILL tell her what you are doing, which means you will appear to be the kind of guy who blabs your personal life to everyone which is not respectful to a womans reputation. Don't make that mistake.
     
  22. johan

    johan Active Member

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    A pizza date? Sure, casually throw down a $20 and pay for both of you.

    You should come away with this with some idea as to whether you would like to see her romantically.

    Not just whether she is cute or not (I assume so, otherwise you wouldn't have noticed her). There's lots more to a person than just being cute, that only gets you "hello".

    Beyond that, it's the person themselves.

    Good luck.
     
  23. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    ok well here's the update. i didn't have a chance to read any posts after my last one before taking her out. anyways.

    arrive at her place ~12:01 (made a note of it because i figured you would ask).
    call her up and let her know i'm downstairs and explain where i am (between the building and the parking deck)

    takes her 6-7 minutes to get down.. she claims she didn't know where i was. she wasn't dressed badly but she also wasn't dolled up (something i only like every now and then). i thought she looked perfect for what we were doing.
    we head over to little italy and casually talk / joke around in the car

    i playfully make fun of how she said "weekend" (she said week-end) and she laughs about it. she apologizes or something and i say it's cute
    we drive around for a bit downtown to find a spot to park
    finally find a spot and she compliments me on my "parallel parking skills"...
    i order and then tell her to go ahead before the guy rings it up as 2 separate orders

    she doesn't reach for her cash or anything (good sign?) and i pay for it with a $20.
    the guy tries to give us these little shitty 8oz cups because we asked for water.. i ask him to give us the regular sized cups and i'd pay for them if necessary (i hate the little cups :fawk:)

    he gives us the big cups (free of charge) and we go to find seats

    end up getting stuck on a mini-table in the back but i guess that's also good because it forced us to be in closer quarters.
    we talk about my family, her family, school, what she wants to do in life, things we like, music, how crazy the mountain of toppings was on her pizza, etc.

    we finish up and head out, i take our trays to the trash and she holds it open for me.
    we head out and drive back to her place... still talking casually on the way and laughing about the other day we were out with samantha (2 waitresses got in a fight and started pulling weaves at IHOP... and krispy kreme bastards turned the sign off on us the second we pulled in).

    i drop her off and she said she had a great time and i agree

    I didn't ask her for another outting at that point because we are both going to be gone for thanksgiving break until the end of this weekend. i figure i'll call her up say friday (date was on tuesday) and ask her how her thanksgiving went and stuff and then i'll ask her if she wants to get together for coffee/dinner/whatever i feel like asking when we get back to UGA after the break (most likely, sunday or monday).

    i had her laughing or smiling 95% of the time and there were absolutely no awkward silences. i'm not sure if there was any romantic chemistry... it is still too early to tell and i wasn't thinking clearly enough to notice... but i definitely liked being with her and will ask her out again.

    so anyways, i'm pretty sure she realized it was a date considering:
    1- i paid for lunch and she didn't even reach for her money
    2- this is the first time we've EVER done anything just the two of us and i normally don't see her more than once or twice a month


    regardless, i'm not going to get hung up on labels and stupid shit. was it a real date? maybe not, but who cares honestly. the important thing is she and i went out together and got to know each other better. it may or may not work out between us but this is definitely a good start in my opinion.


    BTW, we are both 19 which is why you might see me ignore some of your advice. some things you guys post i feel would be more adequate for people 22+. we're both still young and i don't see some of the things stated applying to this girl very much. but, with that said, i do appreciate everyone's responses and advice. you guys really put a flame under my ass and got me to step out of my comfort zone and take action... and for that, i thank you :wavey:
     
  24. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    not too sure to be honest... then again i could definitely see this going somewhere. i guess i don't want to take the plunge and "get attached" without seeing how she feels first. i don't want to set myself up for disappointment. i'd rather just go with the flow and deal with things as they come up.
     
  25. johan

    johan Active Member

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    :doh: :ugh2: you liked her, and want to see her again, but don't think it important to set another date or even talk again till AFTER Thanksgiving? Man, you not only are new at this, you're somewhat insensitive too.

    You treat this like its some optimal usage of time efficiency thing. If you liked her, and want to see her again, I suggest you call up immediately since you've let it go for a day already.

    Even if you set a date a week or two into the future, the act of you calling up relatively soon shows courtesy and that you're not a lame jerk. 10 mins is too soon, a week later is too late. Next day is reasonable.

    AND even if you don't want to see her, call her up within a day or two and just chat...but just don't set another date.

    This is just the way the world & women work. It's never too soon to start learning how women work.


    It does sound like a date, but not for these quantitative reasons you list. It is or isn't a date based on the context,and the reason you both are there ('personal' not 'professional' and not 'friendly').
    Qualitative, not quantitative.

    The quality of your interaction, the way she responds, the look in her eye, the feeling she holds for you...that's what makes it a date.
    Not something like whether you opened the car door for her, or whether she reached for her wallet, etc.

    Come on, get real.

    anyways, just call her up before thanksgiving and chat. Otherwise ... you're assuming too much and she would be somewhat right to consider it an expression of non-interest on your part.
     

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