SRS Violated and frustrated.(anonymous post)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Sep 11, 2008.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I was raped when I was 13 (I can't believe I just typed that...) I've only ever told my best friend and my current SO. For the past 12 years its been my dirty secret. I don't talk about it, I don't think about it- I ignore it as much as possible, but lately those memories are finding me at really inopportune times. I've been thinking about going to counseling, but I'm so afraid.

    I feel like its going to be this huge horrible process. Last time I was in therapy was for my eating disorder, I was 20 years old. I quit going because I was so sad all the time and I was constantly consumed by all the things we were talking about in therapy- I actually felt better when I didn't go. I know I was just ignoring my feelings, but at least I was able to get through the day. I was too afraid to tell the therapist about when I was 13. She never knew.

    The only reason this is coming up now is because about 4 weeks ago, I physically attacked my SO for the 2nd time. I was standing in his room, leaned up against a bookcase. We were joking around and he leaned forward to tickle me. I panicked. I loudly told him to stop and suddenly, I was on top of him- had him pinned to the ground, one knee in his chest, the other in his stomach and my hands digging into his face, screaming for him to get off of me. Dark, I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I don't know what happened. One second I was standing, the next I was on him, shoving his face in the floor. It was like a reflex. Before I knew what was happening, it was over- I don't even remember how I got on top of him. I got up, ran out of the house and left. I cried the entire hour ride home, not because I felt bad, but because I was so scared. I had no reason to be, but I felt terrified. I called him the next day and apologized about a million times. He said he wasn't mad, just concerned about me. We haven't talked about it since and he doesn't know I've been thinking about therapy. The first incident was about a year and a half ago and it was a very similar situation.

    I'm not a violent person, I'm generally not even an angry person- I can hardly believe I did that to him. I've never acted that way toward anyone before- but I've never been this close to anyone either. I feel like I don't even know what I'm capable of anymore.

    I don't really know what advice I'm looking for or what question I need answered- I guess I just needed to vent. I haven't told anyone else about this. I don't want this to ever happen again. I want to get this worked out- but I'm so afraid of going to therapy, deciding I can trust a stranger enough to discuss all this face to face and then having to work it all out. Talking about stupid eating disorder stuff was horrible enough last time, I don't know how I'm going to make it through this time.
     
  2. victimizati0n

    victimizati0n New Member

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    dont be afraid to talk to people about things

    the people in therapy arent there to make you feel bad, or to make fun of you for your problems, they are there to help you.

    do me a favor, and pretend one of your friends is having the same problems, and came to you for help, what advice would you give her, and what would you do?

    think about what you would say, then go and do it.

    its easy to tell people what the right thing to do is, its just not easy for that person to understand and do the right thing. listen to your own advice that you would give someone else, and try to do it.
     
  3. Ivan

    Ivan New Member

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    You're so brave for writting all that. I'm sure things will get better. What's done is done, no matter how horrible... But you can shape the future the way you want if you work for it.

    I just wish someone apologized to me when they did something similar to me... It may sound selfish but a simple "sorry" required no explanations.

    Good luck, take care.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I was so nervous to read this thread, I could barely open it. Victimizati0n and Banim, thank you so much for your kind responses :hs: They mean so much more than you could know.

    Victimizati0n- You're right. I absolutely am afraid to talk to people about things I have going on. I figure, if I don't even want to talk about it, then surely no one else will want to hear about it.

    If my best friend were telling me this story, I would... probably cry. I'd be so sad for her. I would tell her she has to go to therapy, no matter how frightened she is. I would tell her that attacking someone twice means that it wasn't some fluke and if she doesn't at least try to figure out how to stop it, than it's bound to happen again. I would tell her she should go now, before she talks herself out of it. I would help her find a therapist and I would drive with her there so she wouldn't feel so alone. (gaaa. :eek4: that was hard to write)

    Banim- I don't know where bravery ends and desperation begins, but I'm there. I am so afraid to talk about it, I can barely say the word. I wouldn't even be bringing it up right now if it wasn't for this second outburst of mine. But since I attacked him a few weeks ago, I've been having nightmares and flashbacks. Its ridiculous. I've always had dreams about it, but never flashbacks. I feel so absurd. I tell myself that I should be over it by now, to just shut up and stop thinking about it, that I can't change it so I should just get over it... but it doesn't help. Time hasn't made anything better. I feel like I'm worse off now than I was when it happened 12 years ago.

    My biggest fear is about what's going to happen in therapy. I don't know what they're going to say, or make me talk about; I don't know how I'm going to be able to sort through all of this. Last time I was in therapy, I was so consumed by what we were talking about, I could barely make it through the day. Those issues pale in comparison. How am I going to make it through this?

    And by the way, I don't think there is anything selfish about wanting someone to acknowledge that they've hurt you. A simple and sincere apology goes a long way. :hs:
     
  5. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    That's because you keep it bottled up inside. You need to let out your emotions in order to heal. However fits of rage and attacking friends and family isn't a healty way of letting out your emotions.

    You need to deal with the problem so you can move on with your life. If you choose to, therapy can help you with that.
     
  6. less_than_adam

    less_than_adam New Member

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    I'm with everyone else on this one. Go see a counselor ASAP. Ignoring the issue will only make it manifest itself in other ways (like attacking your SO). Oh and there is no such thing as 'just getting over it'. You are dealing with some HEAVY shit (fucking understatement). YOu need someone with the proper training to help you figure things out.
     
  7. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    You got "triggered" by the tickling. It likely won't be the last time. Your issues are unresolved. Is it possible that you dwelled on your sessions outside of therapy because you refused to bring up the rape to your therapist which left you with zero progress everytime, even though you may have figured the two had nothing to do with each other or they didn't have to? When I was in therapy there was nothing that I wanted to talk about and now wish that I had. I saw it as them trying to dig information out of me to tell my parents, but the whole point is to help the person in therapy, not interrogate them as I imagined.
     
  8. victimizati0n

    victimizati0n New Member

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    there is great advice in this thread, dont be afraid to see someone, its not going to make you less of a person, or people wont think differently of you

    from what you have said, you know you need to talk/see someone about your problem, and you know it is the right thing to do, these people are here to help you in any way possible, and it takes a great deal off of your mind talking to someone and getting all of your bottled up feelings out

    im betting that just what you have said in this thread has already made you feel better
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Vysion, less_than_adam and bambambigelow, thank you so so much for your responses. I surely did not expect to get this much support.

    I really thought if I never talked about it or thought about it, it would go away. I know that doesn't make a ton of sense. I just wanted it to go away so badly...

    I never imagined that this psychological pain would manifest into such a strong physical reaction. I suppose I should have known that it would have to come out in some way, but ignoring it just feels so much safer than facing it.

    Bam- not only is it possible, but after reading this I'm willing to bet its entirely true. I know there is a strong link between eating disorders and rape, but I refused to believe that applied to me. I figured I'd go to therapy, try to get into recovery and NEVER talk about the rape. I really thought that would work.

    The panic and terror I feel when I have flashbacks and when I attacked my SO are so incredibly painful. I'm so afraid of feeling that way again. I don't know what triggers these feelings, so I walk around in constant fear that they will pop up again. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

    Victimizati0n- When Dark told me to post this in the Asylum I told him no. I was SURE that it'd be judged and that no one would respond. I couldn't have been farther from the truth. And you're right. I do feel a bit better. :hs:

    Thank you all so so much. Your responses mean more than you could possibly imagine.
     
  10. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I somehow mustered up the courage to call a local counseling place yesterday. I have an appointment tomorrow evening at 5.

    I can't decide if this is good or bad, but damn I'm scared.

    Just thought you'd all want to know. thanks everybody so much for your help. It means so much more than you'll ever know :hs:
     
  11. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    Truf.
    I mean, you are kind of putting your fiance in a weird position.
    If you don't talk to SOMEONE (not necessarily him, but if not him at least a good doc) then you risk repeating this behavior.
    We have sympathy for you, really deep sympathy. But we know your story. If he doesn't know the story....
    What would you advise a girlfriend who had a boyfriend treat her like this?
    Exactly what I would advise a guy who was getting treated like this by a female.
    I mean, you have to tell him cause if he loves you he will understand this.
    It doesn't mean he will put up with getting pinned to the floor. But it does mean he will work with you through this.

    We are a good first start. Hell, maybe even a great first start. But you have to tell this story again.
    You know, they have these rape survivor groups that meat.
    Here check this out:
    http://www.aftersilence.org/
     
  12. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    It sounds like you have PTSD and you got triggered. It's good that you're seeking help.
     
  13. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    "I wanted to update this thread and let you all know how much I appreciate your encouragement and support. I've been in therapy since Sept 20th. It's been extremely difficult but I am so glad I started going. Progress has been slow and I don't have the healthiest coping skills to lean on, but therapy has been helping a lot and I feel like I am starting to get more clarity and understanding. I don't feel as afraid all the time. I don't feel as hopeless.

    And you guys were right. I was triggered by the tickling, I was having flashbacks and I do have PTSD. Way to call it. :hs: I wanted to thank you for encouraging me to seek therapy. I really don't think I would have done it otherwise. I was just so scared.

    To anyone who is thinking about seeking therapy but is unsure or afraid, it's worth it. Call. Get help. Don't wait or you'll talk yourself out of it. You can do it :hs:

    I hope the New year brings you all hope, joy and peace."
     
  14. Sephiroth13

    Sephiroth13 Beginning of the End

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    I may not have responded to your thread, but I want to congratulate you on your success with therapy. I know how difficult it is to go to therapy, but I know how much help it can bring to.
    I hope for you future and I'll keep you in my prayers.:wavey:
     
  15. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    I'm glad you found success with therapy. Good luck.
     
  16. _T_

    _T_ OT Supporter

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    Glad to hear you decided to go to therapy and that it's helping.
     
  17. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Give us another update. It's been 3 months. :)
     
  18. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Here is an update by the person who started this thread.

    Hey Metallic :hs:

    I saw that you asked for an update to my anonymous thread 'violated and frustrated'

    I'll tell you what, I was so surprised to see you asking for an update- I'm surprised anyone even responded to it initially, let alone want to know what's going on several months later. Thanks :hs:

    So the update isn't fantastic.. I dumped my therapist and I have made very few steps toward finding a new one. I stopped going to see her shortly after I made the last update actually. She said she had experience working with patients with trauma issues and had worked with patients with eating disorders in the past, but she was in no way qualified enough to help. I'm not sure if the problem was her or me.

    I started going to see her and she was very nice and I felt comfortable talking to her- it was really difficult to talk initially, I could barely say the words. It didn't take long before the flashbacks started again and I remembered several other times I had been sexually abused. That was really horrible.

    Therapy was really really hard but I though it was going okay- looking back though I can see how quickly I went from bad to worse. Once I started talking about the rapes my ED blew up and has been completely out of control since shortly after I started therapy in Sept. I would tell her every session that I was concerned with my ED behaviors and that they were getting so much harder to control and she'd tell me we'd "get to it in a few weeks". Our last meeting she told me the "mental clarity" I get from restricting is great and I could use it in my "prayer life" (she was a Christian counselor) and that purging 3 times a week wasn't really that bad. :o Then she told me that my ED is just like an extreme diet and all I have to do is adjust a few behaviors and I'd be fine. When I told her that 14 years of an eating disorder was more than a "bad diet" and keeping the purging at 3 times a week took every ounce of energy I had and it could easily become 3 times a day again, she asked "well, don't you feel any better?" When I told her I didn't she seemed really frustrated and upset.

    I'd also been telling her that I was still so consumed by the thoughts of the rapes- and was having these horrible nightmare type of things where I didn't remember what I'd dreamed about but I'll wake up in a panic cause I'm positive someone is in my house or over my bed. Sometimes I'd feel like I was choking when I'd fall asleep and I'd get startled awake. It was horrible. I told her these things just started happening and that I didn't feel any better. Every time I said that to her though, she said "Yes you do! You just don't let yourself feel it."

    I don't even know what that means but it made me so upset.

    In the end, my two best friends and my SO started talking with each other about how I was acting and feeling and how my ED behaviors were. The last time I had seen my therapist we had gotten into a heated exchange and I left questioning once again if I really belonged in her office or not. That next day the three of them told me they were very concerned about me and encouraged me to find another therapist. I dumped my therapist over voicemail three days later :o

    Since then, I have tried my best to forget everything- repress it all again just so I can get through the day. I still have those weird kind of nightmares but my ED's calmed down a bit. I know I need to find another therapist but I really don't want to go through it all again. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.

    Thanks again for asking. It was very kind of you.
     
  19. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    Please give it another shot! I think therapy will really help you. Try and find someone that is better qualified.
     
  20. less_than_adam

    less_than_adam New Member

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    Find a therapist is like finding a good pair of blue jeans. Even though the size is right, sometimes it just doesn't fit. You just need to go to a different store and try on another pair until you find one that fits well.
     
  21. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    That's unfortunate your first therapist didn't work out for you! I really don't think someone who advocates eating disorders should be a therapist. I hope you find someone to talk to that is compatible with you. Repressing your memories may seem to help for now, but they will find their way back eventually :hs:. Good luck!
     
  22. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Another Post:

    Metallic, Seismic, less_than_adam and Djshotglass, thank you all so much for your responses :hs: It really means a lot to me.

    I really liked the blue jeans analogy- it makes a lot of sense. I know that therapy is the right choice, but I'm so afraid that I'm going to keep running into these therapists that aren't the right fit- and in turn just feel worse and worse until I end up finding the right one. I don't know how much more of that I can take.

    Right now it's hard to just make it through the day sometimes. It's like I opened this can of worms- I started talking about all this stuff and now I just can't forget about it but I don't have the tools to do anything with it either, so it just sits there all around me all the time. It's exhausting and terrifying. These weird nightmares are getting worse and worse and day or night, I can never really relax. I'm startled by everything.

    I don't have insurance right now, so finding a therapist with a sliding fee scale who is qualified for this stuff is difficult. One of my friends suggested I call one of the rape crisis centers around here. Do you think I can do that? I always thought they were for people who had been recently assaulted, but I don't really know. What do you guys think?

    Thanks again for the encouragement :hs:
     
  23. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    You're welcome

    This is why it's important to research and "consult" the individuals you're considering seeing. Tell them flat out when you call "I want to make sure that I'm not wasting my time, my money or your time -- I want to know we're a fit before I begin."

    Here is a place you can get information from to start looking for names in your area. Pick a few names, the individually put them into search engines and start reading about their expertise, and what people say about them, or the programs they've been involved in. Look for reviews or ratings.

    This website has plenty of information: http://centers.rainn.org/

    Those reactions are very scary to experience. You are reacting the way almost everyone does who has experienced this -- it's common and really "is" terrifying. It doesn't have to stay this way though.

    Absolutely, the website I gave you had information on how to take care of yourself as a survivor, where to find help -- they provide a phone number to call and to ask questions. Write your questions down in advance so I feel you have some control over the direction you go.

    National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE (4673).

    Welcome, you can do this. You're strong enough to take back your power and to try again.
     
  24. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    The website I provided has information on Childhood Sexual Abuse. This type of thing isn't just about acute Rape victims, it's about "all" violations involving ones personal being.

    Child Sexual Abuse

    Introduction

    Sexual assault of children often includes incest as a subset of this form of sexual assault. While there is a substantial amount of overlap in the two types of assault, for the purposes of this website we have separated them in recognition of the different needs that victims of each type of assault may have.

    Child Sexual Abuse: sexual contact by force, trickery, or bribery where there is an imbalance in age, size, power, or knowledge.

    Contact Can Include:
    • Fondling
    • Obscene phone calls
    • Exhibitionism
    • Masturbation
    • Intercourse
    • Oral or anal sex
    • Prostitution
    • Pornography
    • Any other sexual conduct that is harmful to a child's mental, emotional, or physical welfare
    Additional Features
    • May consist of a single incident or many acts over a long period of time.
    • Abuse is more often perpetrated by someone known to the child.
    • Abuse may escalate over time, particularly if the abuser is a family member.
    Adult Reactions

    Many adults tend to overlook, to minimize, to explain away, or to disbelieve allegations of abuse. This may be particularly true if the perpetrator is a family member.
    NOTE: The absence of force or coercion does not diminish the abusive nature of the conduct, but, sadly, it may cause the child to feel responsible for what has occurred.

    Warning Signs


    Physical Signs
    • Difficulty walking or sitting
    • Bloody, torn, or stained underclothes
    • Bleeding, bruises, or swelling in genital area
    • Pain, itching, or burning in genital area
    • Frequent urinary or yeast infections
    • Sexually Transmitted Infections, especially if under 14 years old
    • Pregnancy, especially if under 14 years old
    Behavioral Signs
    • Reports sexual abuse
    • Inappropriate sexual knowledge
    • Inappropriate sexual behavior
    • Nightmares or bed-wetting
    • Large weight changes/major changes in appetite
    • Suicide attempts or self-harming, especially in adolescents
    • Shrinks away or seems threatened by physical contact
    • Runs away
    • Overly protective and concerned for siblings, assumes a caretaker role
    • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Rape Trauma Syndrome symptoms
    Common Reactions
    • Withdrawal
    • Depression
    • Sleeping & eating disorders
    • Self-mutilation
    • Phobias
    • Psychosomatic symptoms (stomachaches, headaches)
    • School problems (absences, drops in grades)
    • Poor hygiene/excessive bathing
    • Anxiety
    • Guilt
    • Regressive behaviors - thumb-sucking, etc.
    What should I do if I suspect my child is being sexually abused?

    Additional Resources

    Stop It Now: The Campaign to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse
    Childhelp USA
    Darkness to Light
    National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information
    National Children's Alliance
    National Center for Missing & Exploited Children
    National Indian Child Welfare Association (NICWA)
    National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center

    Reference:

    (1): http://www.rainn.org/
     
  25. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Effects of Sexual Assault


    Sexual assault is an incredibly personal and destructive crime. Its effects on victims and their loved ones can be felt psychologically, emotionally, and physically. They can be brief in duration or last a very long time. It is important to remember that there is no one “normal” reaction to sexual assault. Every individual's response will be different depending on the situation. In this section, we have explained some of the more common effects that a victim may experience. View one of the pages below to learn more about the effects a victim may experience.

    Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Assault

    There are many reactions that survivors of rape and sexual assault can have. But for adult survivors of childhood abuse there are reactions that may either be different or stronger than for other survivors.

    Battered Woman Syndrome

    A controversial concept, battered woman syndrome is a model that was developed by Dr. Lenore E. Walker to describe the mindset and emotional state of a battered woman.

    Body Memories

    Body memories are when the stress of the memories of the abuse experienced by an individual take the form of physical problems that cannot be explained by the usual means.

    Borderline Personality Disorder

    Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the most controversial mental illness diagnoses in Psychology today.

    Complex PTSD

    Diagnosis necessary to describe the symptoms experienced by survivors of long-term trauma such as child sexual abuse and prostitution.

    Depression

    There are many emotional and psychological reactions that victims of rape and sexual assault can experience. One of the most common of these is depression.

    Dissociative Identity Disorder

    Dissociation is a mental process in which a person's thoughts and feelings may be separated from his or her immediate reality.

    Flashbacks

    Flashbacks are when memories of past traumas feel as if they are taking place in the current moment.

    Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

    PTSD is not a rare or unusual occurrence, in fact, many people experience PTSD as a result of a traumatic experience such as rape or sexual assault.

    Pregnancy

    If you were recently raped, you may have concerns about becoming pregnant from the attack.

    Rape Trauma Syndrome

    Rape Trauma Syndrome is a common reaction to a rape or sexual assault. It is the human reaction to an unnatural or extreme event.

    Sexually Transmitted Infections

    Table of Sexually Transmitted Infections, their symptoms, treatment, and possible complications.

    Suicide

    If you are currently thinking about suicide, or know someone who is, please reach out for help.

    Reference:

    (1): http://www.rainn.org/
     

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