SRS very big problem with a roommate- VERY LONG POST, no cliffs, sorry

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by bighungryshark, Dec 11, 2007.

  1. bighungryshark

    bighungryshark New Member

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    trust me, i feel like a complete ass for putting this in the asylum thread, but i knew this is one of the few places i could get serious responses. despite my #2 post count, ive been a longtime member of this place and couldnt remember my name/password, so i had to subscribe and make another. ANYWAY, here's the situation:

    i live with 3 girls (yes, im female, so dont freak out). ive been here the longest out of everyone, and im very close to two of them. theyre like my sisters and we all feel comfortable between eachother to go into another's room if we ever need anything. there's one girl (we'll call her "nancy") that i've always gotten along well with, but have never been super close to. i never really got to know her well, but i would still go into her room to grab things like medicine, or dvds that i wanted to watch, or whatever random stuff just because i felt comfortable doing so.

    this past summer, my ipod broke. i was working at this awful bike rental shop where i would sit for hours on end alone, waiting for someone to walk up and rent a bike. nevermind that i was addicted to music, my ipod was the only thing that could keep me going in that place. i noticed that "nancy" had 2 ipods- 1 nano, and another video ipod that she never used. i turned it on and noticed she didnt have any songs so i figured it would be no big deal if i put my favorite songs on it and took it to work with me that day. i did this for about a few weeks- take the ipod, upload my songs, go to work, delete my songs, and put it back in her room. i knew that id be better off if i just asked her for permission, but i knew i wasnt doing any real harm, so i never really thought twice about this.

    there was a few days where i was so busy that i didn't have time to put the ipod back into her room. one morning, she was packing for a camping trip and noticed that her ipod was missing. i was the only other person awake so she asked me about it. i immediately froze up and freaked out, and acted like i had no knowledge of it, which in retrospect was totally stupid of me!! as soon as she left for her trip, i put the ipod back where it was supposed to be, and went about my merry way. when she came back, she mentioned that she had found it again, and never said anything further.

    all this happened back in july, mind you.... and since then i told myself i'd never pull dumb shit like that again. she started becoming more withdrawn, put a lock on her door, and never hung out with the rest of us anymore. but she still acted totally normal to my face. i never put 2 and 2 together, so i figured she was depressed about something unrelated or just felt like she couldnt hang out with us without feeling weird (she is 29 living with a bunch of 22-23 yr olds, afterall). then this weekend, everything was answered for me.

    it was one of my roommate's birthday's this weekend (noel, who im closest to). "nancy" was in her room and pulled noel in to tell her that she felt uncomfortable coming out to hang out because she thought people were going through her room. after everyone left, noel told me what nancy had said, and i immediately knew that this whole "withdrawal" thing was because of me. i went to nancy the next morning and talked to her about it. she said she knew the entire time that i was the one taking her ipod because i had unknowingly deleted 2 videos she had on there. she had to get a file recovery system to get them back and noticed a bunch of songs on there that she never heard of. she snuck onto my computer and found the same songs. she never came to me or mentioned anything to the roommates because she was "afraid of rocking the boat". i never wouldve guessed that she was upset with me because of the way she so easily hid it from me.

    anyway, i confessed, and she *seemed* understanding but how well can you trust someone that is too scared to confront someone for 5 months over what they know they did? she also started to bring other stuff up... when she first moved in she had a $250 printer delivered here and left it on the porch for a few days. i remember seeing it, but suddenly it was gone one day. she also found a purple keychain with our school's logo on one of her dressers and brought it up during the same conversation. i've never seen the thing in my life, but i wouldnt be surprised if it were hers and didn't remember it (because she has sooo much crap she's always losing track of). she also said there were two bottles of wine missing from her room. i dont expect her to take my word for it, but other than the ipod thing, i have no involvement in anything else that went "missing". ive told the other roommates the situation, and they agree that what i did was wrong- theyre like my sisters and they know what kind of person i truly am. there's a big difference between what i did and outright stealing somebody's stuff to sell or for keeps.

    my issue now is this: there's nothing i can say to make nancy believe that i have no involvement in these other "cases", but it isnt fair for her to have to live in a house where she's always scared of someone (me) taking her stuff.... but on the same token, it isnt fair for me to always be the one to blame anytime she misplaces/loses something. i know thats not the kind of person i am, and if i was then i wouldnt be taking this so hard right now. she already said she wouldnt move out, but from what you've read..... should i?
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2007
  2. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    hmm, tough situation, it's a good thing that you finally came clean to her though. you've told her that you weren't involved with the other stuff, right? if not, make sure you do that.

    i don't think you need to move out, that's a little drastic. actions speak louder than words, and if i were you, i'd just act natural, put everything behind you, and above all else don't go into her room! eventually she will realize that it was an isolated incident and hopefully things can continue normally.
     
  3. bighungryshark

    bighungryshark New Member

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    oh god, it's so funny that you said what you did. i've talked to everyone about this out of distress- my other roommate, my mom, sister, another friend... theyve all said that i was being rash in wanting to move out and that there's nothing i can do other than own up to what i did and apologize.

    of course i told her i had nothing to do with these other incidents, but i dont know if she believes me. she was able to put on a happy face for me for the 5-6 months that she knew about this, so i dont doubt that she'd pretend to be okay all over again.

    thank you for your opinion, though!! i appreciate it.
     
  4. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    Look, what you did was wrong. You wouldn't have tried to hide it, if you didn't know what you were doing was at least shady. Can you really expect her to just trust you right away? Nothing was taken, which is good, but at the same time, you still were in her belongings, and it went missing to her. If you admitted it then, which I shouldn't grill you on since, it's the past, I hope you at least learned this for the future, she might have been 100% cool with it. Running never works, because once you start, it's all you ever be doing. you've done all you can/should do. You can't rip yourself apart to mend it, only time will.
     
  5. spankaveli

    spankaveli OT Supporter

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    If it was "no big deal" that you borrowed it, why'd you freeze when she mentioned that she couldn't find it? :confused:
     
  6. bighungryshark

    bighungryshark New Member

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    i understand what you guys are saying. at the time of me taking it, i figured it was a harmless thing because she hardly used her ipod. i still knew it was wrong, but overall i thought it was harmless, which i guess is what i kept telling myself. it was obviously a huge lapse in judgement on my part.... and when she unexpectedly confronted me about it, i automatically acted like i knew nothing. i was scared, obviously. a deer caught in the headlights. and the last thing i wanted was a confrontation over something that i didnt mean any harm by.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2007
  7. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    I don't think there is anything we can say to help here, but know you ended up doing the right thing. You've done all you really can, let time heal the wound. You can't tell someone to trust you, they have to just accept that they can, or they won't.

    You have to put yourself in her shoes though. I understand you may not have known about all the other things that were taken, but when you see it in that perspective, she wasn't wrong. You didn't fess up when she mentioned it and she never confronted you about it. With two passive people in that sense doesn't make a good mix when there is a issue that needs to be dealt with.

    I'd suggest maybe opening up to her a bit more, maybe you guys will be closer after this if you sit it out and talk. I guess you did, but I mean more of it. Nothing you can say is going to change it right away, but if you really want to make amends, then prove to her. you're not a thief / liar. I know you didn't mean any harm, but your actions caused it. I don't really need to stress it, because you seem smart enough to learn from your mistakes which is almost rare lol.
     
  8. registeredPORK

    registeredPORK Happy Poo Poo

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    First of all, be glad you realize what you did was wrong and that you actually fessed up. Second, you should of fessed up when she asked you in the first place. So what if she has 5 ipod nanos?? It's still hers, she bought them (or someone else did) but at the end, it is still Nancy's iPods. You should of been more responsible and asked her if you could borrow it. She's 29, you're 22 (or 23, whichever age you are); you both are adults. If she's stingy, she'll tell you no and you can live without a bit of music for awhile until you get your iPod fixed or get a new one. If she says yes, then you can borrow it and she'll know about it.

    Like someone else said, you should tell her that you didn't take her printer and take her other things. If it is truly an isolated situation then get over it. Shit happens, we all make mistakes. I don't think she should be so paranoid as to who is taking all of her things.

    What she should of done with that printer that was delivered was take it inside. She should of been responsible enough to do that let alone ask one you guys to place it in her room if she was going to be gone when it'd be delivered. She shouldn't blame losing the printer on you or anyone else for that matter. She knew it was going to be delivered and it's not your responsibility to sign for her packages or place her packages in her room when obviously she's seen it outside. On the other hand, it would of been a common courtesy thing for you to do if you knew she would be gone for a few days.

    At the end, be more open, don't take her stuff without asking, and moving out is a brash thing to do. Wait it out and if things get worse then think about it.
     

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