Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Falconer, Aug 9, 2007.
you have to let her go do her "thing." Explain how you feel uncomfortable to her about it. COMMUNICATE. If she can't respect or understand your side of it maybe present a blatant example. Otherwise I'd lose her if that doesn't make any sense to her.
my biggest problem would be with her trying to tell me that he just wants to be friends. I don't care if shes lying or stupid, both are problems in my book.
I dunno, im pretty permissive by just about all standards, but how much more inappropriate does it get then going out 1 on 1 with another man who is obviously sexually interested for drinks?
I wouldn't dump her for going or "forbid" it or anything, but i think i would talk her out of it.
So what if your gf says something like:
"this guy wants to go out for drinks with me, 1-on-1, but if you don't want me to go, I won't, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."
At first, that sounds like she's being respectful of your feelings, but if you look into it, isn't it communicating that she still wants to go; She wants to put herself in a 1-on-1 situation with another man with alcoholic drinks involved?
She didn't say "I didn't want to go so I turned him down." She's saying "I want to go (unless you don't want me to)," in which case she's going to build resentment at you being "controlling" or "jealous".
So shouldn't this be taken as a red flag, even if she phrases it like I did above?
I actually had a similar situation arise with a coworker who kept asking if I'd like to do something after work. I mentioned it to my boyfriend like this:
"There's this guy at work that has asked me for drinks several times. I think he just wants to be friends but I don't think it's a good idea either way because I don't want to send the wrong message. What do you think?"
The guy is nice and I wouldn't mind having him as a friend outside of work, but in more a group setting. My boyfriend basically said that he thinks the guy wants more than friendship and if he really wants to hang out I should invite him to a group thing that both me AND my boyfriend will be at.
Even if I had really wanted to go, if my bf had said it made him uncomfortable, I would instantly dismiss the idea because no random friendship is worth jeopardizing my relationship. I would hope that my bf would have the same respect for me and my feelings.
then you are fucked. move on.
what if alcohol isn't in the picture?
So you are agreeing with me, then, that she is still interesting in going out with the guy, and that is a red flag.
On a related note, I used to hang out with a lady who was married in 1-on-1 situations (but it was never at night and we were never drinking). I knew her from work but we became good friends. On that note, I was also very good friends with her husband and he and I used to hang out, too.
But it's still an iffy situation.
heres how i look at it.
if they are old friends, then sure, it's fine. but if they just met and are going out to get to know each other....thats the wrong kind of context. she doesn't need to know him any more than what she gets from work/school/whatever. she should really have no desire to get to know new guys on a personal level.
either way, it shouldn't involve booze, or hanging out at their house....or those kind of situations.
I'd say it goes beyond red flag. trying to flip around grossly disrespectful behavior into some sort of insecurity on the person being disrespected is a huge deal.
It may be a test. girls get off on a little bit of possessiveness and jealousy.... so they "know you really care"
That's how I feel about the situation, and my boyfriend is on the same page. I've got a guy friend that I've know for about 12 years and he and I like to grab dinner now and then just to catch up (once a month maybe). I never blow off my bf to do this, I make plans with my friend if my bf is busy. I let him know that I'd like to have dinner with the guy and make sure he's still comfortable with it and it's been alright so far.
New guys are a different story though. I don't really hang out one on one with new guys, just guys I've known for a while (before I started dating my bf) and have never had any romantic involvement with. It seems to work out.
I'd say it's usually something you'll want to talk about about, but not always. Some girls just get along better with guys and tend to be overly social and independent. Girls like that like the freedom to hang out (as friends) with anyone whether male or female and it's not a big deal. These are the same girls that don't care at all if their bfs hang out with other girls one on one. I think it totally depends on the girl, the relationship, and what you're looking for.
My ex had a problem of being pretty oblivious with this stuff. Guys were ask her to hang out, flirt with her, say they just want to be friends, etc... It was so obvious the guy wanted more than friendship, but she didn't see it, even when I told her. Then, down the line when the "guy-friend" over-stepped his boundries and made a move or confessed his feelings she acted all surprised and felt led on
It goes both ways though. When we first started dating she was totally oblivious. Towards the end of our relationship years later I think she just played dumb and was looking more for validation than anything.
Check my post in the best of on girls who cheat.
As an addendum, the way that you know that you don't have to worry about your girl getting seduced by another guy is when you know that she actively REMOVES herself from situations where a guy can pump her state and emotions, isolate her, etc.. Because if a girl lets her state be pumped by the guy, there's no guarantee that she's going to stay loyal. Once they're in that emotional state, anything goes.
Holy shit, I agree with that like 110%. That's one of those things that I've always thought, but people tell me I'm insecure or whatever when I mention it.
Ok. So, I would avoid this situation entirely, by not having a "girlfriend".
If aww_nigga said "is he cuuute?" like he was teasing his little sister, that'd be fine. Cuz yeah she's a beautiful girl there will be guys who want to entertain her. Not your problem.
Something like that
I meant to look at that situation outside of the context presented in the main forum
Its not her being respectful of your feelings, it is her trying to make you feel insecure.
Ask her if she wants to go.
If she says 'yes', that essentially means that she wants to see other people, period. Make sure that she understands that if she can see other people, then you can as well--this basically means the end of any exclusive relationship--and if thats what you were looking for, then tell her that you two obviously misunderstood one another, and 'goodbye'.
If she says 'no', ask her why she asked you in the first place! Is there some reason that she wants to make you insecure? Does she not feel that you appreciate her...and wants to let you know she has other options? Make her be forward about it.
Can you chuck a link please.
I'm a pretty free-spirited gal and I don't really ask permission or even run stuff by my BF (when I have one, that is), however, I would never go out alone with another guy for drinks if I respected my BF. If I didn't respect him/had doubts/shit was rocky I might go out, but not do anything (sexual) because I'm not a hoe. A girl is just asking for trouble IMO if she does.
Can you explain the phrase "state be pumped"? I get the gist of this, but that phrase is confusing.
Bitch was a ho, she needs to be dumped.
I agree with you, but, Vag regulars, wouldn't this fall under the topic of "using logical reasoning with a woman" and should therefore be avoided?
That's how women are, they consistently want to make guys feel insecure, it's a shit test.