SRS Update on the situation with the girl I'm dating...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by FindersKeepers, Dec 8, 2006.

  1. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    After a week of barely talking (giving her plenty of space, and only seeing each other once, (I took her lunch yesterday, ate at her office, and when I told her I had to go she sort of did a disappointed whine, and when we hugged it seemed she didn't want to let go) Tonight we are going out, I'm taking her to the cheesecake factory, we're going to eat, and head to a movie. She wants to see an action flick this time... SO I have to figure out what to see, Probably Casino Royale i'm guessing.


    She asked me not to buy her a birthday gift because she hadn't gotten one for me, but I was told by friends and her friends to do it anyway, I printed a picture of her and her baby and put it in the Scrapbook that I got her that she had commented on wanting when we went to the mall. I also printed another picture of the baby and put it in there... I tried to get a picture of the two of us together but never pulled one off, thats what I really wanted to put in the book

    Anyway, I wrapped it and wrote some small stuff on the front of the wrap....

    She'll either Melt or be mad, I'm hoping Melt.

    Last night our AIM conversation was a little better, more smilies like she usually uses.... and just an overall better tone, and when we talk on the phone, it's a better tone now as well, Lunch was akward at first, but she would just look at me and smile... her heartwarming smile... that smile girls give you when they are thinking about you or like you... kind of like the mamoru face without the hand in the way, lol... i dont know how to explain it.


    Tonight will be the hard one, but she seems really excited about this, and i'm just a basket of nervousness up until i pull into her driveway to pick her up. then it's insta calm.


    I think I really want this, I want to be that "doctor" that mends her wounds from her daughters biological father.... I think thats the path I've been put on because thats what feels right when I think about it and pray about it and so on (yes i have a small religeous side)

    so...

    we'll see.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I hope it will turn out for you, i think your doing a great job as the girl seems genuinly attracted to you, if you keep things on good terms like you did, you might be able to bring it to the next level.
     
  3. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Yay! Good Luck!!
     
  4. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    Well now I'm not sure what is going on now.

    Friday night we went out, I took her to the Galleria (expensive) Restaurant in Downtown Tampa, then we went to the movies, stopping at the Bennigans on in the same lot for drinks, She had a shot of something, a Hurricane, A long island Ice tea, and something else.... all within 20 minutes ish... and for the smaller girl she is, it went to her pretty quick

    She opened her gifts from me and Melted, I got her Lindor Chocolates, a scrap book with a picture of her and her daughter in it, and a card... She melted, we kissed... One of those you really are special to me kisses, and a nice than you kiss... Then We walked over to the movie, decided to see apocalypto, we chatted before the movie and cuddled and such and during the movie did the arm in arm or holding hands thing, she didn't want the center arm rest up though.. She rested her head on my shoulder for a bit and so on, I nearly fell asleep I was so comfortable.

    Then on our way home it seemed to be a little more akward, she wouldn't hold my hand, but she did let me play (rub) with her leg with my fingertips, but she kept her hands in her hoodie pockets... It was pretty cold but I had the heater on and it worked very well... When I dropped her off we hugged, Kissed bid goodnight and that was that.


    Yesterday we talked briefly, she seemed happy ish, but she wouldn't give me any leads on seeing her yesterday or today, so I left her alone and let her have her space, only sending her a message toward the end of the night asking if we were still going to church together this morning


    She read it but didn't respond to any of it......

    With the blocking that she did friday night, and yesterday, it leads me to believe she's back into her freaking out about things again, I can understand this because I'm sure she doesn't want her daughter and her to get attached then I run away, but I'm not going to.



    I'm so confused and starting to hurt again...
     
  5. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    another small update, we talked briefly today....

    I never got the explanation of why she didn't say yes to me meeting her at church, but she still called me hun and talked to me with interest

    I hate this friggen emotional roller coaster I've been on... But I have to have patience, I can't push... I love her, but not REAL love yet.. I'm infatuated

    I've never been a religeous man, EVER but i swear to you I've prayed to god NIGHTLY asking for this to go well and for us to be on a path that'll keep us both happy without hurt.

    I'm going to go drown myself in some loud music and wind whipping through the truck for a bit I need to release and clear myself up
     
  6. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    Here's some advice for you: STOP TRYING SO HARD :)

    She's like every other girl in the world. She just needs more time to figure things out, so you shouldn't let your own emotions go up and down. When she says no to certain things, don't freak out about it. You can't expect her to be fully integrated into your life after a few dates. Just give her time to come around.

    Also, I highly advise you to not be a "doctor" and try to fix things. It's her job to fix her own problems and not yours. The best thing you can do is be a good listener and listen to her problems and not try to give her the solution to everything. Here's what I usually do...

    GF: [Insert long rant about a problem]

    Me: throw in random words like ok, then what happened, really?, wow that's a lot to deal with, etc. Just throw some stuff so she knows you are listening and paying attention. (Obviously you need to pay attention)

    GF: blah blah blah [and finally when she's done after talking her head off for 15-60 minutes]

    ME: I can see why this is bothering you. Do you want to know what I think about all this?

    GF: Ok what?

    ME: Give her your two cents on your "opinion" and suggest to her what you would do.

    I learned a long time ago you will end up miserable if you try to be the "doctor." You do not want to base a relationship around you being her personal therapist. Initially it will be ok, but after the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over, this will get very annoying and you will start getting the impression that the relationship is very one sided in the fact that you spend 80% of your time listening to her problems, and she doesnt reciprocrate that time for you.
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Blu, I have a quick question for you.

    How much money are you spending on this girl? Are you paying for everything on these dates?
     
  8. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    This last one was almost 100 bucks with the restaraunt, drinks, and movie, wayyy more than I had expected to pay... But our original place was booked SOLID.

    I'm not one to impress girls with money, if thats what you're hinting at... To put it easily, I spend more on 1 tank of gas than I do on most dates.

    BLEED


    Yeah, I'm learning this the hard way, I have to be very patient, yet supportive, it's going to be hard for her to let me into her life, although the first two weeks were GREAT, now I'm getting the drawback of over-doing things.

    I didn't see her at all this weekend, yet I still feel pretty good about things, we chat online before she goes to bed, and it feels like our normal chats, a small bit of missing me in tehre but she doesn't exactly say it. She just hints WE and US a few times.

    I'm not going to push to see her this week, at all... If she asks, then I'll maybe see her, but I'm going to give it time, and her space, hopefully she won't grow away from this idea... I'll communicate with her but very shortly, ad not every minute of the day :o
     
  9. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I'd really really really recommend the next few dates be something free or very low cost...you don't want to set a precedent here.

    $100 for a casual date...? Unless you're making tons of money (which hey, you could be, i don't know), that is RIDICULOUS.

    Seriously, weather permitting (not sure where you're from), go on a picinic in a park or something...bring some homemade sandwiches.

    Doing something for low cost is really the only way to see if a girl actually likes you, or likes to tag along with you for free stuff.

    And I'm not saying that you try to impress women with money...but its entirely possible that if you spent $100 on a date with this girl, she might be more willing to hang around with you even if she doesn't like you, ya know?
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Spending or showing money only robs you of the chance to see if the girl likes you for YOU.
    It's a low confidence move that guys should try and stay away from.

    And I'm not suggesting you be some kind of dickhead that makes her pay.
    Simply that the first few encounters be about seeing if there is real chemistry between the two. Money or showiness or all of that crap just clouds the issue.

    It's a hedge that weaker men rely on because they feel the real them, the inner them, the actual person stripped of all the money....won't be enough to win her.



    Anyways to the OP: you're way up in your head and trying way too hard with her. She knows you like her, and honestly you've made some great and thoughtful moves. Moves that would be totally appropriate and sweet for someone you're dating.

    Cept thing is...you're not dating her, and she's not givng you any signals that's about to happen anytime soon.

    She's got your number. She knows how to call you. If she wants to, she will.
    And if she doesn't? Well then....
     
  11. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    I think there's a bit of misunderstandment here.


    Backstory fast version:
    1. Knew girl in high school, liked her then

    2.I graduated, didn't talk to girl again...

    3. Right before Thanksgiving Girl and I start talking again

    4. The day after thanksgiving we go out on date 1 - 30-40 dollar date (Dinner, Minigolf, walk around the area, lay together on hammock, play air hockey).. Cuddle, Hold hands, hug. She tells me she's surprisingly comfortable.

    5. Sunday night she invites me to her house for movie.. Met her daughter. ( free) Hug, cuddle, hold hands, mutual cheek kiss.

    6. Tuesday evening she invites me to the mall with her and the baby, have a blast (free) Hold Hands, cheek kiss at end of night, mutual, she says she is liking this.

    7. Friday - my birthday, I cook us dinner, we go to the movies at Channelside in Tampa... She seemed a little off walking through the area, we see Stranger than Fiction, while in the movie she's fine, cuddly, hands holding, etc... Then while leaving we're walking together and before we get out of the theater she stops and has panic attack.... Panic attack brought on by her Baby's Biological father works across the street and she thought she would be over it but she isn't.... She's afraid I'm going to be like him. (overall about 20 bucks). Hold hands, cuddle, lip kisses, she's "very attracted to me, and likes me around"

    8. Sunday all day we hang out, i help her re-arrange living room, got chicken wings for dinner, (like 10 bucks) we watch anchorman, she cuddles with me teh whole time, with some kisses here and there... When movie is over we share a long kiss, I massage her back/shoulders.... Play, cuddle, joke, hug, nearly sleep (doze off) long kisses, hold hands, tickle... Is hesitant kicking me out of the house, wanted me to stay.

    9. Monday (4th) she tells me shes freaking out and needs a day or two to figure things out. So I back off, completely... Not sending her emails or IM's or Texts except for once in the evening, or once in the morning to say hello, and ask random questions to show her I still have interest, but the rest of the time, I leave her alone.

    10. Thursday (7th) I take her lunch, we chat, it;s uneasy but she keeps looking at me, blushes and smiles, when I have to leave, she whines, won't let go during hug, wouldn't let go of arm, upset to see me go...

    11. The rest you all have read.



    Does that clear it up any?


    I'm trying NOT to be pushy, she knows I'm not pushing for a relationship, because this is one of those things that have to grow, I have to be used to the fact that she has a daughter (which she know's I'm fairly ok with now) and she's afraid that I'll label her as having baggage (nope)

    Maybe I'm too easy going with her? or I've said my opinions and they weren't what she expected (she was completely shocked when after a few days I said that the daughter (19 months old) is a great addition to things).

    This week I'm not pushing anything, I'm not going to be on aim to speak to her often, and I'm not going to sign into myspace or much often, but I will send a short hello here and there to let her know I'm still here so she doesn't think I abandoned her.
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Ok...I'm getting a weird feeling from this...it reads like you've friendzoned, but she's kissing you and such...

    I'm kinda getting the feeling she's looking for a father for her baby.

    Not sure if that's good or bad, but that's what I'm feeling here.

    I do not mean this sarcastically or offensively...

    Are you ready to start a family? If you get seriously involved with her, it won't be with just her. It will be with her and the child or children.
     
  13. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    I've been worried about this one, but the signs when we are together don't read that way

    At first I was unsure, but having spent time with her and her daughter, I'm ok with this, I'm ready for this, and It's what I want....


    Emotionally and mentally, MORE THAN READY

    Financially - Mostly yes, sort of no... I'm working on getting my truck ready to sell, once it's out of the picture then I won't have something to sink so much money into. It's my biggest leap into being ready... Getting something more practical, not something thats on air ride that likes to break down at random times.

    I make good money for the area I live in, I just have not bought my own place because I wanted a stable and secure relationship before I did so. Housing is NUTS around here, and apartments are as well :o
     
  14. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    I think the problem is... I have NGS :wtc:
     
  15. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    :uh:
     
  16. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    :rofl: I love to cook.. :dunno:
     
  17. kazzman

    kazzman New Member

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    He couldn't be more wrong here.

    from how you've explained things you treat her really well, which she is not use to. She was obviously burned by her baby's father and is afraid that it will happen again. She is not use to the way you are treating her and she fears that it isn't real or will soon disappear.

    I think she has totally fallen for you and fears that it isn't reall or will end soon. It seems that you've kind of let her know how you feel, but I think you need to let her in more or keep playing it kinda slow like you have, but don't back off too much. It is going to take her some time before she realizes that you are there to stay and really want her. Most women seem to go through this early in most relationships.

    Early in my relationship with my wife she did this. She distanced herself from me and started to freak out. Well, I started to freak out too and then we finally talked things out. Basically found out what I've explained above. She wasn't use to the way I was treating her, didn't think it was real, feared losing me, and was falling for me.
     
  18. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    I'm hoping thats it....


    I'm trying to find a way to hint that we should have dinner together this weekend so I can talk to her about it....

    We haven't seen each other or talked on the phone since last friday, but we talk on AIM and mysapce mail :noes:
     
  19. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    :big grin:


    It's been rough this week, I'm trying not to let it get to me... I just need a way to get her to agree to hang out, she's been so busy with year-end work at her job that she's been bringing it home to work on and with that and her baby most of the time is consumed lately.

    And it was hard on me because I was used to seeing her every few days... but I haven't given up because she hasn't said "no" to anything... so...

    I'm sucking it in, holding my chest high and swimming into a shallow pond trying to get her back.
     
  20. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    How often do you talk to her though?

    Just AIM/email?
    Or on phone/text too? ALl of our phone/texting stopped as well.s
     
  21. kazzman

    kazzman New Member

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    If you don't want to cut into her time or her busy schedule maybe try this. Drop her an email, text or phone call, and say "hey I know you are really busy right but is there anything I can do to help you out right now." Watch her daughter for her for a while (if she trusts you, dunno), pick her up some dinner, offer to make her dinner, run some errands. Anything to show her you care, just the offer ought to show her how much you care.
     
  22. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    Have already suggested everything except for watching her daughter,... I don't want to go that route just yet... :o

    I have offered to make her house (her, sister and the baby) dinner.

    she invited me over for some chocolate cake at the beginning of the week then we hadn't talked... so when she wrote me a message I said about doing her collections at work for year-end and wrote all of this

    "Collect that money!!!! Get those accounts closed out!!! You can do it!!!

    So.. What is your schedule this weekend? You promised me some cake ;)"

    She'll respond to that, and I just hope she makes some time. :noes:
     
  23. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    Going to her house today in about 2 hours to

    UPGRADE HER RAM

    no literally, she only has 256 and she needs 512 to run somthing, so I'm going to throw in a new hard drive while I'm at it (10gb ftl)

    Hopefully she'll accept dinner proposal, or make me food and we can kick it on the couch and watch a movie while the baby is sleepin.

    We'll see :x:
     
  24. kazzman

    kazzman New Member

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    So did I read in another post you guys aren't seeing each other anymore?! What happened?:sadwavey:
     
  25. FindersKeepers

    FindersKeepers New Member

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    You did, that's correct.


    Conflicting things really.... Apparently she was never ready from the start, I just came along and did what I do and swept her off her feet before she was ready....

    That and I guess I lacked "social skills".... I listened to girls with children (BIG MISTAKE) with advice and so on, and they told me to always make sure it's ok... No matter what I plan... Well thats what I did, I didn't make many decisions without first consulting her.

    She loved that I was good to her and her daughter.
    She hated that I was starting to show more interest in hanging with her AND her daughter..

    She told me we could still hang out and so on, and I told her it's not a good idea, because I don't think her daughter should get attached to me... She already started calling me "Da da da daaaaa!" and it was heartwarming, yet too soon.

    I hated seeing the look of sad and pain on her face, but later finding out that she started to pull herself away the day after my birthday just makes it a little disheartening.

    I haven't let it get to me though, I'm not upset, and I've actually found myself smiling more... I was happy to have my chance, but Now I must take the licks and keep ticking... i haven't removed her from my life completely though... She is still open to contact me, and IF.... I am single at the time, we'll hang out... but other than that.. there's nothing.
     

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