FRK Update on an old thread

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Antigeek, Jun 21, 2005.

  1. Antigeek

    Antigeek Who Dat!

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    This one: http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=1600171&page=1&pp=25

    Things aren't any different. I've told her how much I love her and all that good stuff women like to hear. I've also told her that her lackadasical attitude towards our sex life makes me feel rejected. She claims she understands what I'm saying, but still doesn't make an effort to change things.

    Sure... I can guilt her into having sex once or twice a week. But she's still not up for experimentation. She's still not initiating sex. She still comes to bed in cotton panties and one of my oversize t-shirts. Almost like a "I'll let you fuck me, but I'm not putting any effort into it, and don't expect it either" attitude.

    I even went so far as to pick up a couple books on the subject of sexuality. One of which was an erotic massage manual. The other is "Supersex" by Tracey Cox (if you're on this board, you MUST get this book... ;)).

    The massage book I found at B&N the other night and we sat down with it, and worked all the way through the various "steps". Her being her, it was all about her being massaged. When that was done she pretty much laid there while I fucked her, then she showered, and went to bed. Then all weekend had to remind me that "she was nice to me on Friday". Nice my ass... it was another obligitory lay down and spread the legs to keep me quiet fuck.

    The other book arrived last night. Lots of good relationship stuff intertwined with some wonderfully sexy ideas. I thumbed through it yesterday evening, reading stuff I found amusing to her, and NOTHING sparked an interest. Not the section on oral sex, or the perfect striptease, or the quote that made me buy the book: "As a woman, when you're married, you don't have to worry about being slutty. You DO have to worry about being boring." Tracey has this idea that just about all men are a bit deviant, and as a wife, a woman should do whatever it takes to keep a guy happy sexually. There's even a few sections on dealing with the gooey remains of a handjob ("You're not 16 anymore. It's semen. Get over it and don't make a spectacle of it")

    But she isn't interested in any of it.

    We're going on vacation next week. I've entertained the idea of just moving into the spare bedroom when we get back. I certainly don't need "pity" sex or "I'm doing this so you'll quit complaining" sex. And I'm tired of dealing with the rejection. I do love her and love our life together, but if something doesn't change, I feel I'm going to become bitter and more angry towards her. I think moving out of the bedroom for a while would send out a more obvious message than me trying to communicate verbally what I'm feeling.

    After all, take away our once a week half hour sex sessions, and we're basically roommates who cuddle a lot. May as well live like roommates.
     
  2. naughtie

    naughtie New Member

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    Ah! Now I remember who you are!


    Awww! poor baby! ya know it came to me... most women are not like the ones you will find here in FS. Don't expect too much of her, escpecially given her upbringing and all...

    So you have tried all the being sweet, buying flowers and candy, doing the dishes for her, surprising her with romantic dinners, etc?

    What about a male stripper for her? Or buy her some amazingly SEXY lengerie and make her feel like a hot little slut?
     
  3. Acesn8s

    Acesn8s The Deadman's Hand

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    So when you tell her that you're not satisfied with your relationship what does she say?
     
  4. Antigeek

    Antigeek Who Dat!

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    Yea... it's me. :big grin:

    Work has slowed down for the first time in a couple months, so I'm back until I get swamped again.

    I've done all the nice/sweet things... I started helping with housework hoping that would motivate her a bit... All it did was make cleaning the bathrooms get added to my chore list. :(
     
  5. BrokenHalo

    BrokenHalo New Member

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    I"m sorry for you, and honestly, although my opinion will differ from many, I think... I think you're doing things the right way. You're not being subtle anymore, and you're being as kind as you can about it. I think that as drastic as it seems, moving into the spare bedroom might just give her the wakeup call that she needs... either that or she'll think something terrible and it could end up being very detrimental to your marriage.

    I'm going through the same kind of thing right now. And I, unbelievably, am the culprit. I used to love sex... wanted to do it all the time. But when the SO and I moved in together, the spark kind of left and I didn't want to do it as much anymore. Not to mention the whole discussion we had about him not liking me a little on the fluffy side. My self-esteem went through the goddamn floor, and now our sex life is boring, if its not completely non-existant. Its not his fault totally, although its not totally mine either.

    It takes two to tango, after all.
     
  6. naughtie

    naughtie New Member

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    Have you tried making eye contact with her during sex? It won't let her mind wander, and plus it f*cking HOTTT!!! Let her see your facial expressions, let her know that she turns you on in that way. And if she tries to look away, pull her hair till she's forced to look. :drool:
     
  7. naughtie

    naughtie New Member

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    Also, was your sex life always that way? I mean was she like that with sex from the very beginning? BrokenHalo got me thinkin... there's a difference btwn the spark dying and there never being any freakiness in the first place. If you expect her to do something COMPLETELY new and out of the ordinary and contrary to her nature, you need to have more patience.

    :hug:
     
  8. BrokenHalo

    BrokenHalo New Member

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    good point, naughty... but it looks like he's been trying for awhile... so I honestly can't blame him for his impatience.
     
  9. Antigeek

    Antigeek Who Dat!

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    One of our best friends when we started dating did those "Fantasy Lady" parties. You know, the tupperware parties, except for sex toys.

    Well... Let's just say we made the most of our relationship with her.

    The downturn in our sexlife started about the same time I bought my first house. I was selling cars at the time, working ridiculous hours for not enough money, and I wasn't real interested in the renovation projects going on around the house (it was a dump). 6 day work weeks at 10-12 hours a day will do that to you.

    The excuse then was "I'm so stressed out about the house not being finished".

    Then about 2 years later, I left the car business. In that time all the little things around the house got done and it was bearable. But she was on my case for something else, I forget what (I think she caught me whacking it or something), and that's why she didn't want to have sex.

    After a period of working a crappy job at a PC repair shop and going to school, I started working for Cox Communications. I absolutely hated this job. Her excuse then was I was too miserable. Which was understandable, as I didn't like me then either.

    A year of that went by and I got the job I have now. After a few months here we started looking for a new house. So you know, naturally, the househunt sapped her of her sexual energy.

    Then we bought the new house. Beautiful 3 BR, 2BA house, brand new, no projects that need to be done, no more house issues... But she has to contend with an hourlong commute to work and back. So of course, that turns into "I want to, but I'm so tired."

    After about a year in the house, we started planning our wedding... We flew to Nassau, got married at Sandals, and had a reception back home. Real complicated stuff... "I am too stressed out with the wedding planning."

    After the wedding, her job became the big excuse again. Now she's working 20 minutes from home, but took a promotion with the new job. So she's "too stressed from work". Keep in mind, she's the manager of a small rural bank branch. And I'm still commuting an hour each way, and working 10 hour days, and have a very high visibility/high stress job myself. So it's not like I'm not feeling it too.

    But my priority has always been us (or really, her). I've given her everything she's ever wanted. I just want something back. I sometimes feel selfish, or guilty about it. But othertimes, I have the right to expect the same level of happiness that she does.

    When our sex life initially started cooling off, she'd playfully tell me "If we do everything now, what will we do when we've been together for 10 years?" If that's not ironically prophetic, I don't know what is.
     
  10. naughtie

    naughtie New Member

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    Ah! See, that makes a big difference. Sounds like a whole different set of problems than I had in mind (in my mind, she was being ultra conservative, reluctant to try anything new)

    This is more like "how do I rekindle the flame?"

    Well, keep tryin my dear. Persistance will pay off. And surprises! Us girls LOVE surprises!!!
     
  11. TNFlyBoy

    TNFlyBoy F =/= ma?? wtf??

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    i'm going through something similar (although it is to an extremely lesser extent b/c it's with my gf and not wife of 10 years) it kinda came to a head last weekend when she came over to my place after work (we goto different colleges) and i had cooked her a really nice meal, which she really liked, and told her i was going to give her a massage later. long story short she fell asleep an hour after dinner. in any event we talked about it and she kinda realized what i was talkin about and we both kinda realized that it was her new job that was just making her so exhausted that by the time i came around, all she wanted to do was lay around cuddle (which is fine, i love the cuddlin, it's just sometimes i need a lil more :))

    anyways, what i'm tryin to get at is, is there something that has changed in her life, such as a new job or new stress/responsibilities? this might be a cause to her not really having any interest in sex, but still willing to just lay there, as you said.

    i hope things get better for you man. and i really hope that when she does get in the mood, you will be there, because there should be quite a lot of sexual tension that she's gonna wanna relieve, and when she does.... it's a good thing. ;)
     
  12. naughtie

    naughtie New Member

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    And to BrokenHalo: :hug:

    Poor girl. I would not want to have sex either, with a guy who puts me down and gives me low self esteem
     
  13. [HRT]Squirrel Master

    [HRT]Squirrel Master New Member

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    Im going through the same thing with my GF... hang in there man. And I agree on the spare bedroom thing... watch what she says as your moving your pillow in there....

    she will notice...

    Thats similar to what I have to contend with... only with me, its that she is spending all her time training horses and not having any time for "us".

    Good luck bro.
     
  14. FairyTat

    FairyTat Anticipation, the taste of things to cum

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    I don't want to be the rain on this parade but I have to say this.

    I just came out of a relationship I was in for 7 years that was unsatisfying sexually. The first six months were great, the next six months were okay and then it went downhill from there. I spent the next 6 years trying to get back to the passion we had at first. I finally realized that not everyone views sex the way I do. Some people see it as a courting ritual that can be employed to "catch" the person you want to be with. After that it becomes almost like a treat to them, something to dole out when things are really getting rocky or when a reward needs to be employed to smooth things out.

    After struggling with it in a major way for the last year of our relationship I realized that even if you love someone deeply, if you're not getting what you need and they won't even meet you halfway, you might have to break away and try to find what you need.

    For me it was a question of how much sex and intimacy means to me and whether or not I was willing to have it used as a bargaining tool or punishment instead of the natural enjoyment that two people should have. I'm not saying your situation will never work out, I'm just suggesting that you put some kind of a time and/or effort limit on it. You can inform her of the limit or keep it to yourself. Either way it will give you a deadline to make up your mind.

    I honestly hope you find a way to wake her up to the fact that she's about to lose you over something that you are so very willing to be flexible about. Good Luck. :hs:
     
  15. RockChick

    RockChick New Member

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    oh man, i feel so sorry for you... and damn your story reminds me of a book i read: tabitha king - "the book of reuben". basically a guy that works his ass off in a car shop, married to a woman that he loves but she is just... well, a bitch especially when it comes to sex. really reminds me of this.

    i dont really know what to tell you... you are trying everything but she is just refusing to do anything. my man works his ass off too every day... 9 to 14 hours and at the weekend... but we still have a great sex life. so stress is not really an excuse ALL THE TIME. at least imo. especially when you are trying to help herwith household and stuff... *scratches head*

    oh well, i guess moving out of the bedroom is a good idea, if that doesnt work... man, i dunno... you said she caught you jerking off? maybe now she thinks that you dont want her, that you dont need her in your sexual life and refuses to do anything sexual?!?!??! did you guys ever talk about this? *scratches head some more*

    hmmmm.... i really dont know what else to say.
     
  16. Yes have some!

    Yes have some! Active Member

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    I hope you aren't married. You just described most people's married life. You sound like you are pretty good to her and she doesn't appreciate it. Draw your own conclusion.
     
  17. Carpet Liquor

    Carpet Liquor New Member

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    I know a few women that have this misconception about masterbation. They seem to think that masterbation just adds to the desire to have more sex, this is not true as many of us here in this forum realize. Masterbation, when used in a pure sense (can it be? :mamoru: ), allows us to explore ourselves, but also give us that quick release of sexual tension, that we all develope at some point. I know there have been times when I've just had sex, but within an hour I'll want to masterbate, not because I'm a pervert, or undersexed, but because it's a different release than when with someone.
    I just wish women would realize that it's not gross, or wrong to masterbate, but can be a fruitful experiance.

    But you also elude to another point, these same women (it seems), will also use sex as leverage, will use it as a reward, much like a treat for a dog who does a trick. This is wrong and a very controlling, to the point of being abusive tactic. I was in one of these relationships, unfortunatly it wasn't until I was out of it that I realized that she was using this tactic with me. The way she twisted my mind, I'm still in awe about. I'm way more independant than that.
     
  18. RockChick

    RockChick New Member

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    i dont think its gross... :big grin:... but yeah, its a very common "problem" that i personally do not understand *shrug*

    good points...
     
  19. naughtie

    naughtie New Member

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    I am one of those that thinks masturbation is healthy, sexy, and should be done more often!!!!

    But in Nola's case, maybe his wife doesn't think that way. and actually, it can be a bad thing when used instead of actual sex. As some of us I know here can attest to. :hug:
     
  20. _syn

    _syn New Member

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    Grudge fuck her until she bleeds from at least three orifices, if that doesn't set her straight pack your shit and leave... and I mean that literally, don't say anything to her, no goodbye, no telling her what you are doing, just pack up and leave without a word.
     
  21. naughtie

    naughtie New Member

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    :bowdown:
     
  22. RockChick

    RockChick New Member

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    yeah, i wanted to say leave her too but... its hard if you are together for a long time... in love... married.
     
  23. naughtie

    naughtie New Member

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    Ok, some of the things that come out of _syn's mouth is sooo hot, but in reality, I disagree. Leaving your wife over a sexual plateau is just silly. Unless she is cheating on you, which crossed my mind.

    Just keep tryin! :hug:
     
  24. dumb_end_user

    dumb_end_user Sad Gus

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    No kids?

    Are you happy with the [whole] relationship outside of the sex?

    Would you two agree to going outside of the marriage for sex?
     
  25. Antigeek

    Antigeek Who Dat!

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    No kids.

    Outside of sex, our relationship is great. We have a lot of fun together, have a lot of trust, and I truly love her and would bet essential body parts that the feeling is mutual.

    As far as going outside the marriage for sex, I'm really not into it. I mean, it would be fun to find some little hottie somewhere and use her as a cum dumpster for a day or 3, but in the end I'm just fucking someone else. I'd be back in the same position I'm in now... Wanting total intimacy and lust from the woman I love.
     

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