unsure

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Epiphany, Jun 27, 2006.

  1. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I am so confused. I tend to over analyze everything. I'm probably doing the same thing right now but I think it's kind of a defense thing.

    I've been dating this guy. We just passed our 3 month mark two days ago. I feel like things were so intense for the first couple months that things are slowing down a little now. I'm getting really nervous. I've fallen completely in love with this guy. We spend a TON of time together but he seems distant recently. I get the feeling sometimes only recently like he's not fully plugged in although things he says doesn't lead me to believe he's planning on ducking out anytime soon.

    When we started this relationship in March he had just come out of a 4 year relationship in November. He told me on our first date that there were still feelings there and he wanted to take the relationship slow. We had been friends for awhile and the relationship had major sparks at that point. We are both very attracted to eachother and had been for quite awhile. The relationship grew very rapidly. I was fine with going slow... It didn't quite happen as projected though. I did wait a month to start sleeping with him but with as much time as we spent together, it really ended up not turning out to be so slow after all. We are really comfortable around eachother. We mesh really well. Our personalities and sense of humors are exactly alike. I love his friends (which his ex hated). We all get along really well.

    About a month ago I told him that I loved him. He responded back the same but I knew that he didn't feel the same. I haven't told him that I love him again since and I believe he is aware of why, because I want to know he means it when and if he ever says it. I do know that he still talks to his ex. They are still friends. I'm ok with that. I'm still friends with my ex husband. I started worrying that she was trying to get him back, which I do think that she is, but I'm not really worried about it on his side anymore. He hasn't been intiating calls or texts (we look through eachother's phone) although he will answer if she calls the times that she does and talk to her for awhile. I'm fine with that.

    He told me even recently that he is still getting over the relationship which is why things haven't seemed to be progressing (as in "I love you"). I'm trying to be patient. I'm really afriad he is never going to fall. The thing that bothers me is, I don't know if it's just because he doesn't have that ability with me or if he is really still hung up on their relationship. I haven't really brought it up because I don't want to pressure him at this point. I feel like it is still early. I don't know when I should start expecting a little more. Where do you draw the line? I want to be patient. I don't want to hear it if he doesn't mean it. If I could just hear as much as just "I care about you", I would be fine but it's the wishy washiness and this unknown, "does he care?" that is bothering me.

    Typically we hang out wednesday through sunday night. He normally will spend the weekends at my house with me but the last few weeks (not necessarily haven't spent the time together) but have been up in the air where as before, it was never a question. He has said he will probably go home but ends up packing a bag and staying over the whole weekend anyway with little to no request from me. We are still spending about the same amount of time together but it's not as definate anymore and he doesn't really call me like he used to. He used to call me constantly. The thing that gets me is that all of our time together for the most part is initiated pretty much completely by him but he gives off this vibe like he wants space at the same time. We don't argue ever. I don't nag ever. I rarely bring up any issue at all.

    He had asked me to go on vacation with him about a month and a half ago. We used to talk about it all the time. We went on one weekend trip together before on the way there we AGAIN talked about going on a lot of trips, Hawaii, Florida, going to watch a Reds game, Chicago and he hasn't said a word about any of it since I told him I loved him on that trip. He used to talk about future vacations and all kinds of things quite often and the only thing future wise that has come up the last few weeks is that he said he'd take me to this restaurant I've never been to someday. I'm starting to get nervous that he's losing interest or I'm losing him.

    He went away for training this week down in Indy. He's staying in a dorm for the week and it's a pretty heavy course 40 hours with homework, presentations and reading and all. Also said that the week after his training he will be staying the weekend with his friends again. Didn't know if he was coming home for the 4th :(. He after weeks of knowing about and planning this week and the weekends asked me last minute (the night before) to go and stay the weekend with him and his friends last weekend. I said maybe and then he asked me a little later when I wanted to leave for the trip as if I said I was going. That is the second time he's done that recently which makes me feel better. I decided to go. We had a blast. He called me on my way home to make sure I got off on the highway ok and then he called me later that night... said he may call me later but didn't which was fine because I knew he had stuff he had to do and was probably tired. No big deal.

    Things like that make me believe things are ok but then tonight he said he "may call me tomorrow if time permits" and he said again, "i'll talk to you sometime soon" all I can think is, "you said you may go out some night for a little bit after class. You are gone for a week, when you care about someone there is always time to call especially when you can't see them even if it's just for a minute." I guess I used to feel like a priority and I'm not feeling that way lately. I just feel these insecurities that I'm not used to with him. It's like this back and fourth one minute things seem great and the next he seems wishy washy. I don't know what this means. It's these little things I pick up on and they just gnaw at me because he wasn't like that before. I'm not used to this and I think it's because it just seems like things if anything are at a stand still and aren't growing. I don't want that, I don't want things to regress. Especially after only 3 months.

    Up until the last couple weeks I've felt really confident with our relationship. I've felt like I met my partner in crime and this could be the one but I don't know how to take these little twinges of confusion lately.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2006
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Sounds like you guys may have started out really fast and intense, and it may be fading.

    Not sure how to react to the whole "we look through each other's phones" comment, but that could bring up trust issues.

    Keep in mind, it's only been three months. You may be looking too much into the relationship at this point.

    And honestly...4 days a week in a row together? Maybe you guys need to space it out some more.

    Basically, I'm thinking that you guys started out really intense, and things are winding down to a more stable point, but you could still have the expectations of the early stages of the relationship.

    And once again...it's been 3 months. You're kinda talking like this is the end of a 10 year marriage or something.
     
  3. armond

    armond New Member

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    Unfortunately instincts are there for a reason. They give some guidance in the idea that they provide you with a feeling of security or lack of.

    If you feel that there is a rift beginning to form, then you really need to talk about it. Communication is the key, and it seems that you are just accepting what he is doing without any questions asked. He more than likely knows you are a wonderful person, but that doesn't mean he won't hide thigns from you. You must show interest and you need to see where is head is at.

    If his head isn't on straight, and he is starting to digress from the intensity already then you need to ask him to let you know where he is. You said "I love you," because more than likely you do. There is no time limit on that 3 word statement, it happens when you feel it. He may not have reached that exact moment yet. Don't expect feelings that you feel to come from him just because you say something like that. He may not have reached that point yet. Letting someone know how you feel is not necessarily a bad thing, but it may give him pause and it may make him question where he is going with this.

    A lot of guys, including myself usually think things through by ourselves first, then bring it up. Perhaps that may be what he is doing. I only express my feelings after fully exploring what I am trying to figure out. But if my g/f asks, I will let her know that I will tell her, but I am still trying to figure things out.

    Again, you NEED to have a chat with him. And yes, if you have time to go out somewhere you have plenty of time to call someone.

    Perhaps he is scared, anxious, or wary of getting into something so huge as love. He was in a relationship before, and people do not like to jump into things after getting hurt or after such along relationship. I know I took 2 years before I got into any real relationship after my breakup with the ex g/f of 6 years. Just keep an open mind.
     
  4. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I haven't said it to him anymore because I don't want him to feel pressured. He knows that I love him. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to be at the same place at the same time but it's the back and fourth wishy washiness the last couple weeks is what is getting to me. One minute he insists that I be there and wants me there and the next it's like this unknown what he wants. I don't feel like I pressure him.

    One weekend he said he wasn't going to stay and packed a bag and stayed the whole weekend. He was going to leave Sunday to go to a festival with his friends and I wasn't going to go because I had to go to dinner with my Dad a few hours later. He asked me to go and I said I'd like to but I'd have to pay for parking and didn't have much time so it would be pointless. He asked me to go two more times until I gave in. He paid for my parking.


    I never pressure him for time. I've just never have. If it comes up where he's there and is deciding whether to stay, "should I or shouldn't I?" I will tell him I'd like to see him or spend time with him and he chooses to stay. I told him I always want him to stay, I love it when you are around, I love waking up next to you and he genuinely said, "good".
     
  5. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    One weekend he stayed the weekend I think like two weeks ago and Sunday morning went to my cousin's grad party up in Michigan with me and it was really boring for him. He didn't know anyone. I thought he had a terrible time. We came back home and I half expected him to want to take off and go home right away and since we had spent about everyday since wednesday together. Instead he asked me to go to the golf range with him. We hit balls and then did the batting cages he then took me to dinner. Didn't end up going home till like 10;30 which is usually normal for him but this is all usually what he asks me to do. I love being around him... I don't want to say no. I just don't get the mixed signals.
     
  6. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    The thing with this is from the beginning I knew his intentions were good. I know there were real feelings and goals there. I have emails where we were joking around and the conversations kind of turned serious. He'd make me pick between things that I love the most just joking around. In one conversation he stated, "Pick which one you'd give up out of these and I'll make all your dreams come true." I told him to tell me what my dreams were first and then I'd pick.

    He stated a lot of things that he really had to pay attention to. Goals I want to achieve. Things like getting married to someone who compliments who I am and we grow together. Becoming a mother someday. Owning my own business which is a Kennel someday... Things like that. The list was long and very accurate and heartfelt. This was maybe a week or two before I told him I loved him.

    He's asked me before if it would be that terrible to have a kid with him because I told him I wasn't going to be ready for parenting for awhile. He's made comments about wanting a family not entirely long from now but not exactly right now either...
     
  7. armond

    armond New Member

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    Perhaps then he is just scared.

    I also tell my g/f I want kids with her, I feel we compliment eachother, we remember what we say to eachother, and we joke around a lot about anything!

    Just let him feel your love so he knows it is real. I am sure he will come around and realize that expressing how he feels is a much better path than packing it away inside.

    Even after the boring time at the grad party he still wanted time with you. That is the thing, the grad party was not "together" time, it was for your cousin. Too bad he didn't try to get involved with some of your family, but then again maybe it was your family who didn't try to get involved with him. Afterall, he is the outsider, they should have made him feel comfortable and made it fun.

    It IS a good sign he wanted to be with you and took you to the golf and batting cage thing. try to keep an optimistic mind.

    When you have a lot at stake, people tend to become anxious and worried. I am sure things are fine, he just is probably working things out in his head. You know guys, our cogs don't spin as fast. ;)
     
  8. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    I'd have thought that the "love" issue, if it is in fact an issue for him, would have to be resolved before he'd want to think about kids. Your relationship seems like it is just slowing down (although you are still spending a hell of a lot of time together, or what I'd consider a lot) which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

    The one bad thing you seem to be doing is to seem to be living for him and basically organising yourself around him and his wants. If you need to see your dad, but he wants you to go out, you probably should see your dad and not cave in. Just seemed like you weren't standing up for yourself. I could of course be reading this wrongly...

    You mentioned in your first posts about wondering if he'll fall. That's a question none of us can answer obviously, but you're doing the right thing in not pressuring him. He shouldn't have said he loved you back if he didn't actually feel that way though. He may have, but was nervous about it, and that's why it came off sounding untrue? However, I tend to give a "soft limit" of around a year in a relationship to whether or not I love someone and want to be with them for good. I figure that if I haven't had those feelings by then, chances are it isn't going to happen.

    Hope all goes well, your emails really were cute! :)
     
  9. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I didn't cave in with my dad. I ended up going downtown for a little while and left in time for dinner.

    I do get caught up in the relationship. I think part of it is because of my insecurities with it. If there wasn't a question I probably wouldn't have a problem doing my own thing more often. It makes me happy when he wants to spend time together and I want to be with him. I figure if he didn't want to be around me then he wouldn't ask.

    On one hand, I know it's good to talk about things like Armond says but at the same time I don't want to pressure him about stuff either. If he's flopping back and fourth I don't want my insecurities with the relationship to be a negative factor. I was hoping that giving him a little leaway without stressing about stuff to him would end up a positive thing in the long run. I've just been trying to tell myself, "be patient, give it time."

    But like last night he tells me "have a good night, I'll talk to you soon. I'll call you if time permits tomorrow." and then he turns around and calls me again last night and I wasn't expecting a phone call. There have been a couple nights over the past two or three weeks where I've called and left messages and he hasn't returned my call. I didn't bring it up or make a big deal out of it. I'm not there because I want to control him. I'm there because I care about him and I want him to be there because that's what he wants. I know his last girlfriend was extremely controlling. He's told me that he can't get over how laid back and easy going I am and how well I get along with his friends. I guess his ex didn't have a good relationship with his friends. From the sounds of it he and his ex usually didn't get along very well either. I'm kind of wondering if he's maybe doing some of this to make a point that I can't control him. Otherwise why would he turn around and want to spend the time with me or call me after telling me no? It's all kind of confusing...

    We work for the same company on different floors. HE usually asks me to go to lunch with him two or three times a week as well. Sometimes even more. He emails me quite a bit while working. We do spend a lot of time together and I sit back and realize I am expecting a lot while writing this but it's just that I'm seeing changes in him that weren't even an option for him before. It's just making me really nervous.

    If I"m feeling this back and fourth with him but I don't understand why he wants to spend all this time together. I just really don't know how to go with it. I want to encourage the process to grow... while it's fine for him to do his own things, at the same time I don't want walls built in the process.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2006
  10. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I have had insecurities on the trust side with his ex part which I've gotten over because of the fact that we both go through eachothers phone. I have nothing to hide. I could really care less when he flips through it. It's not all the time or anything just every once and awhile. I don't really check his phone anymore.

    I was alarmed at one point because he had pulled up a picture that he had had of her in his phone still. It bothered me that he carried a picture of her around everyday still. I was worried he was hanging on and not letting go. He did explain that he still had feelings for her. She had sent him a text stating that she went to a certain concert one night and it wasn't the same without him. Obviously knowing he has feelings for her still, that's going to bother me to know that he's still hung up when my feelings are growing and she's talking in his ear. He showed me his phone often so that I could feel like he wasn't hanging on to anything with her. It wasn't like that is the first thing we do when we see eachother. Even offered to delete the picture which I said no to. I saw that she was making all the strides to contact him and he would often blow her off... ect. I believe he does talk to her about twice a month maybe if she does call which is fine. Trust issues? In ways there have been insecurities...and I think that issue is going by the way side for the most part.

    As for the grad party he went to, I felt bad actually because my family was so busy they didn't pay much attention to him which is not normal for them. We did play volleyball and other sports with some of them. It just wasn't the best opportunity to meet the family. There were a lot of people there and the majority of them, I didn't even know. Most of the females were preparing food and busy doing stuff.


    This was the email I was talking about.

    Have I been reading into the relationship too much? I don't think so at all. We've had a lot of serious discussions in the past. It's been very serious on both our parts. He strongly talked about the future, doing things together and going places the thing that is bothering me is that these kind of conversations haven't come up much in the past few weeks.

    He used to take the initiative and keep me informed of what he was doing. I never had to ask. He called me all the time. He was very attentive and his attention isn't on me as much as it was when we are out. At the same time he initiates a whole lot of time together and emails all day everyday at work, He was free and clear having the option of going to Indy without me last weekend where he'd be for over a week and asked me to go for the weekend and I can't understand why if he's losing interest these things are still happening. I just don't know if things are just busy or he's losing interest but it's scaring me. Our company has also just sent out a notice that we are branching off into indianapolis as well and he's told me that he plans on posting for a position when it opens sometime around the next year. I told him I didn't want to think about him leaving. His response was,

    "you could come with :), I'm sure they would need a GA (general assistant) anyways."

    This was within the last few weeks but I'm not sure how serious he was when he said it. He stated it in an email. Nothing leads me to believe that he was joking at all but it's just the way he's been lately. Would a guy really say something like that if he didn't mean it? I'm wondering if this is another reason he's kind of been distant lately. I know he's wanted to move to Indy for awhile now because his closest friends are there and he loves the city.

    read from the bottom up



    This was a silly on going discussion for a couple weeks. He was trying to make me pick something that is one of my favorite things that I would give up and I've been refusing to choose...
    The choices are: mac and cheese, flip flops, cherry coke, Kuma (my dog), Eric, Queso and dog training.


    -----Original Message-----
    From: Eric
    Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 8:25 AM
    To: Brooke
    Subject: RE:
    Brooke's Dreams:
    1. To find a job that you are satisfied with (possibly own your own dog kennel/ training facility)
    2. To spread world peace
    3. Own your own home.
    4. To find a partner who shares similar dreams, goals, and aspirations. Someone who completes and complements who you are. Someone who is always supportive and is willing to try to do anything for you so that you may find true happiness in life.
    5. Continue to grow and develop each day.
    6. To win the lottery.
    7. To remain close to your family.
    8. To possibly be a mother (down the road)
    9. To win a lifetime supply of macaroni & cheese and other pasta products.

    • -----Original Message-----
      From: Brooke
      Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 8:12 AM
      To: Eric
      Subject: RE:
      Tell me what my dreams are and then I'll pick

      • -----Original Message-----
        From: Eric
        Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 8:11 AM
        To: Brooke
        Subject:
        Morning,
        Give up one or I'll never speak to you again. If you pick one I'll go to Cedar Point with you, take you out to Biaggi's, and make all of your dreams come true.
        Thanks,
        Eric
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2006
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    To be brutually blunt here...do you need constant reassurance or something? It sounds like your relationship is going through a normal change, and here you are freaking out (at least that is what it kinda seems like to me), writing super long posts.

    If you're really this worried, nothing WE say will do any good. Talk to HIM. Be open with him about all these concerns.

    I know you may not want to, because you might be afraid of scaring him off....and to be honest, just with the sheer volume of what you are posting, I'm already a teensy bit wary of you, and I don't even know you.

    Finally, keep in mind, not all relationships last forever, and you've only been together, what, 3 months? I'm thinking you and he may be at different points on what you're looking for inthe relationship. It's been 3 months, and you kinda come across like you've been in a 10 year relationship and suspect that he is having an affair....

    OK, that last point was subjective, but still, I'm sharing gut reactions that I'm having to your post. I don't know how you interact with him, but it is possible you're sending him some mixed signals, or signals that he doesn't want to deal with at this point in the relationship.

    I know this probably hurts to read, and I'm not trying to insult you. Just sharing my reactions.
     
  12. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I get what you are saying. I understand where you're coming from but it's not like it seems as a whole. I have kept all this bottled up. Played it off. In a way I'm kind of venting a little. I am looking for reassurance I guess. I act like nothing is bothering me. I haven't said a word. I haven't implied anything or had any off reaction.

    I don't think that he's reacting to anything I've said or done. I really haven't said or done anything.
     
  13. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Ok. Well, if you're keeping this stuff bottled up, why not talk to him about it? It would serve two purposes: It would allow you to get these things off your mind, and it would allow you to maybe get some answers to your questions.
     
  14. no come down

    no come down ..... and in this place you'll see me OT Supporter

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    Beacuse at this stage of their relationship, where he is hot and cold, bringing up all these insecurites to him could just tip him over the edge. im going through a very very similair relationship at the moment, and sympathize fully with you Epiphany.
     
  15. armond

    armond New Member

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    Regardless, there should be no reason why anyone has to deal with this wishy washy crap in the dark. I never did because well I was never really wishy washy. Lots of women aren't this way from my personal experience, but the same cannot be said of us men. We tend to regard relationships as a type of restraint, so some apprehension is involved.

    Seriously, save yourself the anxiety and worry, talk about it. What are you gonna do when a issue as big or bigger comes up when you two are totally serious? Are you going to keep it inside?
     
  16. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    He never called yesterday. I realize his class is pretty grueling but he was also talking about how he was going to go out this week afterwards because he was getting cabin fever.
     
  17. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    His pulling away from you is natural and healthy. You have been spending too much time together and if you want this relationship to last you need separate lives. And don't tell me they are separate because they can't be when you are spending so much time together.

    In my experience, every relationship has a high point and a low point. The quicker you race to the high point, the quicker you will fall to the low point (which is usually the break-up).

    Check out Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus if you want to understand where he is coming from.
     
  18. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    You are right and actually I'm fine with that. I'm realizing how sucked in I'm getting. I'm not used to that. I think it's definately because of all the time we are spending together. It just tends to eat at me if I think something is wrong and it's probably worse because I keep it bottled up.

    We actually talked tonight. He called me right after his class got out. Talked for awhile. I know he's stressed this week. He said he was going out with some of the other people in the class tonight and he probably will tomorrow night too just because everyone is getting cabin fever being couped up in class for so many hours all day. It's almost a 12 hour day for them. They have no tv in the dorms or anything else to do after class other than study.

    He said again he may call me tomorrow if time permits since he's going out. The discussion kinda opened up with me joking (and laughing), "oh I see where I rank... girlfriend vs. bar". He said it's not like that at all. I guess he's felt like when he does call me he has to talk to me for awhile and he didn't want to disappoint me if he couldn't because they were all going as a group. I said I'd rather he called for two minutes just to say hi than not at all. He just laughed and said, "that's all I have to do?! Then why have I been talking to you for the last 40 minutes!"

    Jerk :)

    I dunno... I feel a bit better but I think there is some truth to what is being said here. I think we'll be ok, we just need a little more time to do our own thing or we'll get burnt out and we need to communicate a little better. I think we'll get there. He's an awesome guy and I think if he didn't care he wouldn't want to spend as much time with me as he does. Our friend told me today that's just how he is, he's always been that way and he probably doesn't even realize it worries me. Relationships take work and growth and he's worth it. :)

    Edit:

    And he called me again after he got in from the bar last night just to say hi :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2006
  19. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You know .... I personally tell folks .... if you've stopped flirting, stop being the fun person to hang out with, and now you're all serious and talking "therapy" with your partner, then YOU have changed. Do you think he's picking up on it? Maybe he thinks you are backing off?

    It's clear you're worried, but at the same time it seems like you had a great time when you were together. So what happened? Have you gotten overly serious "all the sudden" and he's backing off because of it?

    Sure, you could "talk about it" with him, but don't actions speak louder than words? I'd say screw the therapy talks and just go out and have fun. Call him! Invite him out for a drink or movie or some other date-like activity. Joke, flirt, all that good stuff. The last thing most folks want is to come home from a busy schedule only to have their SO start into a tirade about how something sucks, things are wrong, worry, insecurity, blah blah blah.
     
  20. LongDongWong

    LongDongWong U can call me Mr.Wong

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    :bigthumb:
     
  21. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    No we have a lot of fun when we are together. He just seems a little distant in some ways. It may just be because he's had a lot going on lately he's thinking about.

    We do a lot of stuff together going out. We've been to festivals for the last 3 weeks, gone to the lake, we ride bikes together, go out to eat, gone out of town, went to cedar point... go out to bars, batting cages, golf range ect.. ect... So it's not like we are sitting home bored all the time. And like I said, I tend to keep everything bottled up. So I haven't been nagging him at all. Its just that I pick up on stuff and it starts gnawing at me because I don't want to be that girl that's aways like, "is something wrong??" I try to wait it out but from what it seems it may just be that he is preoccupied and clueless that this would bother me. I'm very laid back around him so he probably doesn't even think twice about it... any time I've brought up stuff even jokingly he does seem to work on it so... I think I just need to chill out.
     
  22. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Ah, it's Friday. Get him drunk and take advantage of him. ;)
     
  23. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    :( He's still out of town unfortunately. He called me at midnight last night saying that he's probably going to put me through the roof since he's not had a chance to have a release in over a week. (He's been rooming in a dorm. Shares a bathroom with a lot of people too.)
     
  24. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    :rofl: sounds like you two have some catching up to do ;)

    To me it sounds like you got really intense really quickly, and blew through the honeymoon period early.

    I think you do need to chill out, give him some independence, and if it's REALLY bothering you talk to him. He sounds pretty busy at the moment!
     

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