SRS Unsure of having children?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Kreigore, Jul 27, 2006.

  1. Kreigore

    Kreigore New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2006
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Do you know if you want children at this stage in your life?

    The reason why I ask is because my current girlfriend is unsure if she wants to have children (ever). I, on the other hand, would like to be a father at some point in my life, but certainly not right now.

    I'm 23 years old and my girlfriend is 21. We've been together for over two and a half years. Age may have something to do with her uncertainty, but I feel as though I know what I want and she's on the fence. We've spoken about children before and she's been up and down -- we've discussed names for different sexes, etc.

    Obviously, at some point in our relationship, this will become an issue. We've spoken it about it, but decided it'd be best to "see what happens" at this point.

    I'm willing to wait and see what she has to say about having children, but I don't want her to simply say, "I don't want kids." I hate to say that it may be a breaking point, as that's something I'd want to experience one day.

    Any thoughts?

    Thanks for your support. :bigthumb:
     
  2. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2004
    Messages:
    4,589
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Where Blood Bleeds Orange
    It seems to already have become an issue in your relationship. This is one of those big issues that you need to agree upon for the relationship to stay healthy. If you want to have kids and she doesnt then that to is a deal breaker if you want to be a father at some point in your life. Her age is may be factor becuase she isnt in that stage of her life yet and you are nearing it faster.
     
  3. GlassUser

    GlassUser send an email not a pm OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2003
    Messages:
    265,123
    Likes Received:
    142
    Location:
    Pearland, Texas
    She will change her mind, almost guaranteed. Just let her clock get to ticking, let some of her friends get married and squirt a few out, etc.
     
  4. Kreigore

    Kreigore New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2006
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Yeah, I'd say it's an issue. I wouldn't say it's a deal breaker just yet -- it'd be hard to dump a girl just because she may not want to have kids at this point in her life.

    She seems to feel pressured that I want kids and she's not sure, but I'm not being pushy -- but I did tell her it was an issue we'd need to address at some point.

    And GlassUser is probably right -- she'll see everyone else around her getting married and getting knocked up, she'll probably want the same (at some point). :o
     
  5. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Not necessarily. The older I get the more I do not want anymore children. It doesn't have anything to do with friends getting married or having babies themselves.

    I'm 23 and I don't want anymore. My feelings change on this every so often though, but right now is a time where I am really adament about having any.

    To the threadstarter, you say she's on the fence. I know exactly how she feels with that. Chances are when the two of you are married and have a stable home (out of college etc) she will feel a lot more comfortable with the idea of having children.
     
  6. GlassUser

    GlassUser send an email not a pm OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2003
    Messages:
    265,123
    Likes Received:
    142
    Location:
    Pearland, Texas
    That's because you already had them.

    90-95% chance, statistically speaking, a woman without children by 30 will be pretty much desperate to get preggo.
     
  7. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    That could be true, I'll never be in that situation so I really can't comment there. :o

    To be honest though if I never had my daughter I doubt I would *ever* have children.
     
  8. GlassUser

    GlassUser send an email not a pm OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2003
    Messages:
    265,123
    Likes Received:
    142
    Location:
    Pearland, Texas
    They all say that. Until they realize their clock is tick-tocking away. I'm thoroughly convinced that less than 10% of females can be happy with having never given birth.
     
  9. PukeyCute

    PukeyCute New Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2006
    Messages:
    244
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Somewhere in NC
    :ugh2: Disagreed.

    My first boyfriend talked about wanting kids every so often -- it would turn into why don't I want kids and kids are great and he loves kids and what names would I pick? It was fairly traumatic in a low-key sort of way.

    I'm not saying that's what you do, but nevertheless, I'd suggest you shelf the idea -- don't say "No, she'll never want kids" or "Maybe she will want kids," just forget about the issue for the moment. If you have no plans on having offspring in the near future, discussing it is a moot point, and initiating discussion may lead to her feeling pressured.

    Hope this helps.
     
  10. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    And I completely disagree with you, but I think we've already had this discussion so I'll leave it at that.
     
  11. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    We're talking odds, and *most* women end up wanting kids. If she's on the fence now then it's likely she'll eventually want them, but it's also way too early to start thinking this may be an issue worth breaking up over.

    Have your fun now and in a few more years start thinking about it. My wife and I were 29 and 27 when we got married and we didn't have our first for 3 years...you've got time.
     
  12. lick wid nit wit

    lick wid nit wit Official OT Oracle

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2001
    Messages:
    7,432
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    LJDrama.org

    I guess I'm in that five percent. I'm 33 and as I get older the thought of giving birth/raising a kid squicks me out more. Just..... no. Not happening. My tick-tock clock no worky worky.

    However, I have a friend who's 36 and is so desperate to breed she drives people away from her. I've told her that maybe she should adjust to the fac t she's not going to get married and have kids or maybe she should go it on her own but she wants to find a rich guy and be a SAHM.............to which i burst out laughing ;)

    If it hasn't happepend to her at this point in her life, chances are it's not gonna.

    As for the OP, this is an issue that makes or breaks relationships. I've left relationships/engagements and have been left because of my childfree stance. My fiance (who was 52) decided he wanted to breed at his age and even went so far as to make an appointment with a perinatal obstetrician to have my tubal reversed WITHOUT TELLING ME. When I got to the appointment, I had no clue what was going on and I was rather.............disturbed. These things do need to be discusses. And even if she's a fence-sitter, there may not be any point in staying with her long term if you are sure you want to have kids. She may change her mind..... but she may not as well.

    Do you know what age you would like to start having kids by? IS this age cemented in your mind? Things to consider.
     
  13. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2006
    Messages:
    1,650
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Charleston, SC
    I'm 19, I dont want kids. I've said that since I was 13-14, and I dont see it changing. I know I'm young and I have a long time for my mind to change. My bf is 20, and he doesnt want any either. We both have other plans for our futures that do not involve raising kids.

    I was afraid he'd want them, and I wouldnt, and it would cause issues. One of our friends ended up in a divorce because his wife was 30 and wanted kids. He was 40 and had a vasectomy. She decided she only had a few years left to have kids and divorced him for someone younger and able. But my bf says that it is my decision whether or not I want them and he will support it either way, and that he wouldnt ever leave over something like that.

    We're very engulfed in automotive stuff, and want our cars to be a certain way, want a 3 bay garage, a boat, etc. We want to spend the rest of our lives together having fun with things like that, just the two of us.

    Who knows, it may change someday, but neither of us forsee it happening and we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
     
  14. Blackthorn

    Blackthorn New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2003
    Messages:
    2,715
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pain is temporary, pride is forever
    Rare is the woman who doesn't want kids. I know of one.

    My girlfriend probably can't have any but we're happy to consider trying in a few years I'd say. If one cropped up now though, given her physiology, we may well jump at it. Ideally I'd prefer to wait until after 30 but I am happy either way. I want kids with her, whether they are ours, adopted or not. I'd love to have a son of my own but I accept it may not be possible.

    She's 31, I'm 27, turning 28 this year btw. As for people who are 19-23 and claiming they know for certain they don't want kids, I smell bullshit. Come back when you've had some actual life experience under your belt before talking please.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2006
  15. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2006
    Messages:
    1,650
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Charleston, SC
    Well I for one said that my mind could change, but I DESPISE the idea of having kids. Not every woman in the world wants one.
     
  16. big 1

    big 1 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2006
    Messages:
    971
    Likes Received:
    0
    Me and my bf decided that we would like to have kids, 7 or 8 years down the road. Unfortunately, his flling resulted in a pregnancy, so i wont be having his first kid, IF i have kids with him at all.
    my point: not all pregnancies are planned, and if you dont want kids, but your SO ends up pregnant, what will you do?
     
  17. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Please. I may be young but I have a 9 year old daughter, have been married over 6 years and have owned a house for 3. I have no life experience? :rolleyes:
     
  18. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    110,606
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    There is no doubt in my mind that I want to have children

    I knew this ever since puberty :o

    I feel like me being a female, it's a privelege to have children, so I want to have them. If I could, I would have one now, but I'm not financially stable.

    My SO and I haven't been together that long, but we know each other so well. He keeps telling me that I was destined to have children :mamoru:

    Even if I'm not married or don't have a man, as soon as I finish college, I want children. :wiggle:
     
  19. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
    Messages:
    970
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Arizona
    One of the reasons my brother and his ex wife divorced was because SHE did not want children. It is possible that some women really really don't wish to have children.

    I think that in the grand view, it's a small number of women, but still, it happens.
    21 is young, and she doesn't have children yet, so she might change her mind. I guess it's just a matter of how long you are willing to wait for her to give you a solid yes or no on the parenthood gig.
     

Share This Page