SRS unsorted...this is long, cliffs at the end

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by costill, Nov 13, 2006.

  1. costill

    costill ...take fear from bats

    Joined:
    May 31, 2005
    Messages:
    2,891
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    ok, the title may or may not make sense to some and to some it might. i've been using cocaine/other drugs on and off for a few years now. some drugs i don't really care to mention b/c of the stigma that goes with them. maybe its me being embarassed or what not, but i am very ashamed of what has become of me over the past few years.
    i have enjoyed drinking since i was a teenager, and still do, but sometimes it gets out of control. i didn't start smoking weed until i was 17, also something i enjoyed, and still do. i used to only do one or the other, as doing both led to me losing that control i like to have as far as being able to handle an unforseen/unfortunate situation should it arise. (I used to always be the one who would take care of a sick friend getting them home safe, etc). over time, i started using both together, over the past few years they seemed to go hand in hand. about 5 years ago, i started using cocaine, tried it once, didnt' really like it, then tried it again, and loved/hated it. maybe this is where things kinda went down hill. through low self-esteem, poor choices in relationships, and friends that i have had the use was on and off, till about 2 years ago, when i met a friend of a friend. the use grew more and more, causing the loss of my position at work, i stepped down voluntarily because i knew that the combination of the drugs/drinking, and the stress it was causing at work were acting upon each other. i started working 3rd shift moved out of my apt. bc the drugs were also pissing off some of my closer friends and my roommate (best friend) and lost contact with many of them for quite some time. the shit really hit the fan, as i fell into depression, using heavily. it was a very dark period in my life, and i contemplated suicide several times.
    i finally made the resolve to better myself, and did for a while, moving out of the shitty neighborhood that provided easy access, cheap rent, and no motivation to improve. slowly, over time, the people who were close to me that cut me off, saw this and welcomed me back. i was doing well, up until about late this spring, i started using sparingly again. here and there when things weren't going right with work or personal life. it progressed again until summer when i went on a 3 day binge on two seperate occasions in less than a month. things got better for a while until about 2 months ago, when the usage was happening about once a week. this week however, i did it 2 times in 3 days.
    i want to quit, and i am determined to once again, but the hard thought that this brings up is to what extent? eliminating hard drugs is key, but what about those triggers? alcohol, many of the events in my life include alcohol. when i am around family, i am ok, but is that b/c i am just covering up and trying to play good. also, many of my friends drink and/ or smoke pot, so where does that leave me. questions indeed, and i know i'll have to search hard within myself to solve this. maybe i'm just scared b/c i know that i need to give up everything, but am ashamed that i couldn't handle altering substances. i am also a regular at a bar right across from where i live, and do enjoy the people there, but are those just good time charlie's?
    anyways, for those who read this and understand where i'm at, or those who feel in similar shoes, responses, debate, etc. welcome. hopefully i can do this whatever is necessary. i'm 27 years old, and i don't want to throw anymore of my life away to hard drugs and complete intoxication.

    cliffs: over time hard drugs have got the best of me, fought it once, and now doing so again. concerns over triggers by using alcohol and/or pot. also unsure about friends/ family interaction b/c many social times are inclusive of drinking/marijuana
     
  2. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2005
    Messages:
    36,662
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    this toilet earth
    it has been my experience that i could not control my use of any mind altering drugs, alcohol included, and they always led me the same place.

    i had to change my people, places, and things that i did in my life, as my life was oriented around my addiction.

    www.na.org

    AIM/PM if you like
     
  3. costill

    costill ...take fear from bats

    Joined:
    May 31, 2005
    Messages:
    2,891
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    thanks for the reply. i hope that the friends i do have will still be there even if i'm not their drinking buddy. you are right, tho, alc, or pot, just seem to lead right back to the harder drugs. tough choices to make
     

Share This Page