SRS Unrequited Love - This is getting out of control

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Ape Gone Insane, Dec 15, 2008.

  1. Ape Gone Insane

    Ape Gone Insane New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    0
    I really do not want to see a "psychologist" or anybody like that about this. I just want some advice on where I need to go.

    It's basically unrequited love. It's lasted 3 years. :eek3:

    It's getting worse. I think about her every single minute, I try my best to forget her but nothing works. Even going out with friends, doing other "happy" and "take your mind off" stuff.

    It's almost like Obsession. It's a mixture of unrequited and obsessive love :noes:

    I manipulate others and circumstances just to look good in front of her. That is always me sole aim. In circumstances in which she is not present, I'm a normal happy guy but when she is near me, I become so unbelievably self-conscious.

    I am conscious of my every move and worried anything I do might embarass myself in front of her. Hence, my consideration to use Prozac/Lexapro in the other thread.

    Is there any other way to get rid of these growing and potentially life-consuming feelings?

    Quote:- Unrequited love is like a cancer, it eats your insides up and makes you feel depressed, lost and suicidal. You experience feelings of sadness, hopelessness and pain everyday/night. Aside from loosing sleep, you also loose interest in things you like doing, hobbies, working out etc. I think you just loose interest in life.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2008
  2. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2006
    Messages:
    51,366
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    STL, MO/AAR, DK
    I'm trying to speak from experience but it's been at least a few years since I've been down that road.

    Try to step outside of yourself and look at the ridiculousness of the situation you're in. Obviously if it's been going on for 3 years it's not going to be easy, but it's not exactly healthy behavior and I personally wouldn't pick pharmaceuticals as the FIRST line of dealing with it.

    I'm curious as to what your life outside of this girl is like... how do you spend your day/week?
     
  3. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    How about don't be in front of her?

    Or maybe make sure she is never near you?
     
  4. Phantom

    Phantom Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2000
    Messages:
    7,091
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    SDCA
    Recognize that what you have isn't love, it's lust.

    Rather than put her on a pedestal, look for her faults. Everyone has them, but lust has caused you to ignore them.
     
  5. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Do you stalk her? Drive past her house or sit around her neighborhood at night? At what cost would you go to, to have this girl?
     
  6. more off

    more off Moderator

    Joined:
    May 29, 2004
    Messages:
    71,662
    Likes Received:
    24
    Location:
    Tacoma
    z0mg i didn't know you still posted :wavey:
     
  7. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    I step out of the shadows from time to time to fight crime and dole out justice. My name is Dexter. :eek3:
     
  8. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    you need to cut her out of your life completely, it's the only way you'll be able to get over her and move on
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    What you need is to 'get a life of your own'

    You need to bring the power of your life back where it belongs namely in 'your hands' otherwhise you'll just become an emotional soccerball for others to play with. You're like a fly lured by the light only to get burned for not using your brain in the knowledge that its not so smart to get manipulated to the point that you are letting her control your life. Stop being naive, and start living your own life again.
     
  10. Ape Gone Insane

    Ape Gone Insane New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    0
    No, lol, I'm not a stalker but I would do anything, literally anything, to "prove" myself.

    Kinda hard when I see her around 2 times every day.


    Studying and Exercise mostly. Sometimes I go out. Not much of a life. :eek4:

    I can't. Just simply can't. I don't know what's stopping me.

    The only way it would stop is if I wasn't so self-conscious or became emotionless.
     
  11. weezyfbaby

    weezyfbaby New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2006
    Messages:
    12,204
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly
    Well, you know what? You HAVE to. Unless you want to live the rest of your life worrying about a girl that never loved you or thinking about what could have been, you need to go out and either better yourself, find someone who will love you back, make new friends, get more hobbies. Something, anything to take your mind off of her and fill your life up so you won't have to deal with this anymore.

    It's not worth it and to be honest it sounds like you are in HS or college or something, and if that is the case then you are too young to be wasting away like this and missing out on opportunities with plenty of other girls who, after they do reflect the love you give them, you will love them just as much if not more than you love this girl who isn't giving you anything.

    Trust me, forget about her and move on to the next girl.
     
  12. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Is she your sister?

    If not then you absolutely CAN get away from her. If she's in your classes pick different classes. If she's in your group of friends then pick new friends. If she's on your bus then arrange a ride. If she lives in your apartment building then take the stairs and use a side door.


    YOU are CHOOSING to keep her in your life. Get rid of her.
     
  13. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    This sounds like an obsessive compulsive addiction. It's not uncommon. The "feeling" attached to chasing or the thrill of the possibility can create euphoria. I may be totally off base here, so answer a few questions for me. This will tell me whether there is anything I can offer you.

    Tell me if any of these make sense to you. Delete the ones that don't apply to you and leave leave the rest that do.

    * Lack of nurturing and attention when young
    * Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
    * Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life
    * Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
    * Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
    * Hidden Pain
    * Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost
    * Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
    * Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
    * Depressed
    * Highly manipulative and controlling of others
    * Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water
    * Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
    * Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman
    * Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
    * Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
    * Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
    * Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)
    * Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
    * Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
    * Driven, desperate, frantic personality
    * Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight.)
    * Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment
    * Existence of a secret "double life"
    * Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
    * Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
    * Defining "wants" as "needs"
    * Tendency to leave one relationship for another. (Inability to be without a relationship.)
    * Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately
     
  14. Ape Gone Insane

    Ape Gone Insane New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    0
    My sister? :eek3: No.

    I can't pick different classes when I feel like.
     
  15. Ape Gone Insane

    Ape Gone Insane New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    0
    The ones in bold apply to me. Nice list btw.
     
  16. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Given you've provided me with those answers, -- it is also true that often we can not see ourselves as clearly as others can, it is safe to assume that you also match some of the other criteria given the pattern.

    You have what is known as obsessive compulsive "love" addiction. Do not be confused by the word "love" here, as it's misnomer. It is not actually love, but rather a dysfunctional obsession.

    Unfortunately since you do not want any recommendations regarding professional care, the next best thing I can recommend is reading books on the subject. Some may suite you better than others, since I'm not entirely clear what type of relationship you've had with this girl, or whether there ever was one. I think it's safe to assume that any relationships you have had, or may have, will fit these patterns too, and so the book will serve you.

    A good book to recommend that's in the middle (Relationship or....no relationship with this girl) would be:

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0595259278/recoveryman/
     
  17. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    what?



    you are going out of your way to keep her in your life. either remove her from your life or continue being miserable.
     
  18. Ape Gone Insane

    Ape Gone Insane New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wow. I cannot just move classes just like that.

    I ALWAYS AVOID HER. It doesn't stop me feeling so depressed at home. I rarely ever smile anymore.
     
  19. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    I know what it's like, I'm in a similar boat. Mine is actually a friend of mine, she's everything I ever wanted, but nothing I could ever do would make her look at me the way I look at her.

    It's very depressing and painful, try to hang in there. :hs:
     
  20. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    the semester ends in a few weeks. then's your chance.
     
  21. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2006
    Messages:
    51,366
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    STL, MO/AAR, DK
    .

    that's a better time than any.

    I really think you should try looking at the situation from the outside in and think about how ridiculous the circumstances are.
     
  22. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,752
    Likes Received:
    0
    so, the problem isn't really her. You're just making her the problem.

    OK, we get it, you can't avoid her completely. What you CAN do is minimize your contact with her. If you have to see her, be civil, but keep it brief.

    Guarantee if you were with her, very little would change.
     
  23. Ape Gone Insane

    Ape Gone Insane New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    0
    :eek3: I don't live in America. The only time we change classes/subjects/courses is at the end of the year.

    June.
     
  24. weezyfbaby

    weezyfbaby New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2006
    Messages:
    12,204
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly
    You just have to realize you could either

    a) live a life where you hate yourself or are depressed or are limiting your opportunities or are simply just not living a full, healthy, exciting life

    or

    b) forget about this bitch, realize there are millions upon millions of women out there with the same qualities, same or better looks, who you MIGHT have a chance with. This one, there will never be a chance, you've already tried, it will never be fixed. And if it is, it will not last as clearly she is not in love nor has ever been in love with you.

    The faster you realize that you are hurting yourself over a girl, who there are millions better than her in the world, the faster you will forget about her and move on.
     
  25. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    MC has offered you outstanding advice.

    What I see are some major internal issues. You have very low self respect and confidence. You feel the need to prove yourself-which shows that you aren't comfortable that being you alone is enough. A self confident person knows their worth and doesn't have to prove it to others. If another doesn't recognize their worth then they dismiss that person or minimize them within their life.

    I don't believe that you will get over this issue until you really work on your own life. You need hobbies, goals, interests, etc that take priority with you. YOU need to be first on your list, not others. A healthy person is a healthy person on their own. Having other people to fill that hole you feel isn't really curing the problem, it's placing that problem on their shoulders. You're asking them to shoulder your insecurities and even if you do get a girl you will drive her away with this pressure.

    This is why you need to work on yourself first. You need to understand your own value and worth, and only then will you be able to find a healthy relationship.

    Read this:

     

Share This Page