ultimatums...are they ever a good idea?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by SovietRussia, Jan 14, 2010.

  1. SovietRussia

    SovietRussia What? You pooped in the refrigerator? OT Supporter

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    so, a little background, i broke up with my ex around the end of sept, but we never really broke up. i moved out of the house, but we still hung out plenty and had sex on a regular basis. i have been telling her that i want to get back together, i noticed some mistakes i made in our relationship, and have fixed them, etc. i have been the dream guy the last 3.5 months (but that also means i havent been any challenge at all :hsugh:)

    so i am thinking about giving her an ultimatum tonight. we havent spoke much this week, and so i was going to tell her that our relationship as it stands isnt working for me, and that i need something moar. if you dont want the same thing, then we should stop seeing eachother. or something like that.

    i guess i want the vag's thoughts on ultimatums, are they effective (especially are they effective to get desired results), and if you have any tips on how/what to say.

    sorry if this post doesnt make a whole lot of sense, i am rushing to get out the door, so i havent been thinking about what i am writing a whole lot. :o
     
  2. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    It really depends on what you mean, but generally no. When working on issues in relationships it is perfectly acceptable to set boundaries on what you're willing or capable of dealing with though. The line can be blurry.
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Your "relationship" was already fail....but giving her an ultimatum after you've broken up? :rofl:

    FAIL
     
  4. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Never a good idea.

    Grow the fuck up. Kids give ultimatums.
     
  5. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    Seconded. The difference almost seems semantic, but its not. Big difference between 'i cant....unless' and 'you have to....or else'
     
  6. jtrem

    jtrem Active Member

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    I have a question that stems off of this.

    Aren't you essentially giving an ultimatum if you say you need more? If they say no, won't you just leave anyway? Saying you will leave just sounds like a threat that might make the relationship last a little bit longer but eventually fail.
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It's literally the dumbest thing he could do, but he's made stupid mistake after stupid mistake so far...so why stop now!?
     
  8. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    So, in your opinion, whats the smartest thing he could do?
     
  9. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Like anti said, it's all in the approach. There is a huge difference between saying "I don't know if I can handle a relationship with X quality, but I'm willing to try and find some middle ground and see if we can meet half way" versus "if you don't do this, I'm going to leave you".
     
  10. TriPinTaZ

    TriPinTaZ !!!.!!!.!!!!.U.U.!!!!.U.! !!!! WTF?

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    Ultimatums are very dangerous and can end relationships. Considering you are already technically not in a relationship it is probably going to be even worse if you try to give her one.

    Your best bet is to probably just tell her seriously exactly how you feel and let her know you can't keep going on that way. If she gets back together with you then good. If she does not, it would be my assumption that she is only with you until she finds something better.
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    What he should have done in the first place-move on and actually stop talking to her. She clearly doesn't want a relationship again and he can handle that fact.
     
  12. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    :werd:

    And give most people an ultimatum and they're going to tell you to go fuck yourself and you won't get what you're after anyhow.
     
  13. Bacardi 151

    Bacardi 151 New Member

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    :werd:
     
  14. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    Ultimatums are never a good idea
     
  15. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Unless they're from Jason Bourne.
     
  16. wax

    wax New Member

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    In my experience ultimatums aren't very successful. In most if not all situations for that fact. I think they promote a 'fuck you' kind of response.
     
  17. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I swear there has been a thread with this same title before. I thought "someone bumped an old thread" until I saw the date was today. Strange. I just searched and I can't find it.

    Generally speaking, no. Ultimatums are usually a control issue coming from a place of no power, and as such are incredibly unattractive and low value. They're usually trying to get someone to change something for your own benefit. If you read the posts in the vag, you know that will never work in the long run.

    That being said, some things like "if you cheat on me I will dump you" don't really count as ultimatums because they are just you expressing your relationship values.

    Here's what you need to do:

    Instead of saying "things aren't working for me this way, we either need to get back together or end it entirely" which is an ultimatum and she will basically see as "wtf is this controlling shit?", instead, you need to say something like "look, I think we should try things again... how do you feel about that?" If she says "yes," then you win. If she says "no," then you say "well I can't keep doing this," and then you break off contact. You didn't give her an ultimatum, but you got the same results because to you you are not willing to continue doing things how they are going now.

    There's a difference between ultimatum (low value) and "this is what I accept in my life" (high value). But it's subtle and even tho the results are the same, the method of achieving them is not.
     
  18. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    depends.

    your ultimatums is based on where you want your relationship to go. if you are not happy in your current relationship then why not give the ultimatum?

    just be prepared that it may lead to her saying no and your current arrangement to be over.

    if you are ok w. current RS but would prefer more you may want to watch the phrasing.

    "i would really like us to take our RS to the next level....."

    is VERY different from

    "im not happy w. our current RS. you either take it to next level with me or i am done!".
     
  19. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    falc ma nigga. you beat me to the punch as i was typing.
     
  20. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    He wants what he wants.

    better to waste a month or two finding out for sure than to live with doubt and regret.

    When I broke up with my girlfriend the first time I was such a sad sad puppy. Shoulda woulda coulda... why didn't I do/try blah blah blah blah. :wtc:

    2nd time, 2 months later, I knew it was for the best and it was a lot easier to move on, knowing there was just no help for the fact that we just didn't work. Well worth the two months. :run: :buttsex:
     
  21. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    telling her what you want and asking her if she wants the same doesnt sound like an ultimatum to me. adding in that you will walk away if she doesnt comply is the ultimatum part. that should be implied. people shouldnt stay where they are not happy and satisfied, and she shouldnt expect that you WOULD stay if you werent getting what you want out of the situation

    tell her. if she doesnt want what you want, walk away and be done.
     
  22. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    making her do something she may not necessarily want to do just so she can have you will end up in fail eventually... but all situations are different. ultimatum is not a good idea though. you both have to be all in or its not going to work.
     
  23. SovietRussia

    SovietRussia What? You pooped in the refrigerator? OT Supporter

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    i hadnt checked this thread all day, and i am reading through, and i know what IWYWB is going to say. its what everyone says here, but it is always much easier said than done...'cut all ties, deleted from phone, facebook, etc. move on. plenty of other chicks out there...'

    i know its logical, and that it makes sense everytime i see a post of someone going through something similar to my situation, but when you are IN that situation, there is always something that YOU see that no one else can grasp. but then again, maybe its not real so thats why YOU are the only one seeing it. eventually, the persons eyes will open, and they will see the situation for what it is.

    that is what i was thinking. after i posted this, i talked to my brother about it, and he made me realize that ultimatums arent the way to go. like a couple people have said, it will elicit a 'fuck you' response, and the person will do the opposite of what you want, just to prove that you cant make them do anything.

    so im just gonna try and sit down and talk with her. tell her how i feel and that the way we are currently doesnt work for me. if she says something like, im sorry, but that is all i can do now, i will tell her that i cannot continue like this, and that will be the end of it.

    its scary to get out of a relationship. you never think anyone will make you that happy again. and you think that its a lot of work to start a new relationship, but its a lot of work to fix a broken relationship. and if it doesnt actually get fixed, fundamentally, then it will break again, and its just like wasted time.

    .

    i have spent probably 3.5 months being the nicest, sweetest, most excellent dude on the face of the earth. trying to prove that i have learned from mistakes that i made in the relationship.

    none if it has ever been good enough. we have had sex plenty while we were broken up, so dont start saying what a loser i am because i could have been out bangin all types of hoes.

    antihero is right, i wanted to be able to know that i did everything i could to make our relationship work. i dont have to live in doubt. she on the other hand, will have to live in doubt.

    these last 3.5 months have been pretty crappy for the most part, but the good times that i have had have made it worthwhile. so i dont really regret it. sometimes you just have to do what you feel is right, even if people tell you its stupid. like i said a couple posts earlier, eventually things begin to become clearer.

    live like pepe, if 'it feels good man', do it, if it doesnt, then dont.
     
  24. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Just curious, what were these "good times?" Were they only during sex?

    What happened to this?
     
  25. SovietRussia

    SovietRussia What? You pooped in the refrigerator? OT Supporter

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    she ended up calling me on new years eve. she wanted to see me. :o

    then the next morning, she text me, and i went over there, and we spent the entire day together. sexing for the first half and then just relaxing for the later half.

    there have been a few times where it feels like we never missed a step from when we were in a relationship. its hard for me to explain it.

    i remember one time in particular. she was sad about something (it had to do with me), so i went over there, and i told her to meet me at the door. i gave her a hug and held on to her. we spent an hour in her doorway talking, kissing, hugging, etc. that all sounds kinda gay, but it was extremely loving, and i felt very close to her (and told her that, and she said she felt it too).

    times like those are what keep me going. going through all the bitch stuff that she does to me.

    i havent reached out to contact her for the past couple days (im the one that normally initiates our conversation) and she hasnt either. i think that is why i am feeling the way that i am now. i have spent the last 3.5 months basically getting up in the morning with the goal for the day to see her. (man i sound like a pussy right now) i think that i just dont want that to be my main goal for the day any more. i planned my evenings to be available if she wanted to hang out. i dont want to do that any more. if she doesnt want me, then i want to find someone that does.

    i know that is the type of shit you guys tell everyone, but like i said, i had to do what i felt was right.

    /i am not a huge pussy like that makes me sound like though. :o
     

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