SRS Ugh, I just can't communicate with people.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cock Diesel, Sep 22, 2008.

  1. Cock Diesel

    Cock Diesel New Member

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    Damn, I never thought I would post something here, but I'm pretty much tired and in a funk and I need to unload this 50lb sack of shit off of my chest, so here goes.

    I just can't spontaneously interact with people.

    Sometimes I feel like there's a wall between me and pretty much everyone else. And when I do manage to try to talk to someone, I always feel like I'm the weird guy in the situation. Sometimes I won't even approach a person to say "Hi, how ya doing" because either I'm afraid they might bite my head off or because the conversation will end right afterwards because I can't think of how to keep it going.

    Shit, I think that's it -- I just don't know how to keep conversations going, and I just can't do it with confidence.

    Now I want to get out and meet people, mix, mingle and interact and all of that, but I either find myself somewhere off to the side completely alone or in some awkward conversation that quickly dies off with the other person thinking that I'm just so socially inept. I see others who can just set things off in seconds and have a lot of people around them, and sometimes I envy them.

    I hate doing speeches and I dread improvisation because I'm not a think-on-your-feet type of person. I need to put thought into what I'm gonna say and I can't stand making any mistake that could leave me sounding stupid, so it needs to either be damn-near-perfect or I just wont talk at all.

    There's a whole lot going on with me -- namely this and the fact that I have little to no self-confidence in myself or my abilities at...well...anything. Damn I suck. :o
     
  2. mandrew

    mandrew New Member

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    Make your life more fun.


    Rock climbing, play pool, gamble on football games with friends, etc. The more interesting stuff you do in every day life, the more you will have to talk about and the more fulfilling your life will feel to you. When you feel like your life is satisfying and has meaning, the confidence will flow. That's my experience anyway. Also weight lifting and seeing my body and strength change has done a lot for my confidence -- I don't need to shower myself in booze anymore in order to talk to girls at parties and bars (yes I go to bars sober sometimes and I still have fun).
     
  3. mandrew

    mandrew New Member

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    also, when you're having fun and you are constantly looking forward to the next thing you're going to do, people will be attracted to you. Instead of being just some guy walking down the street, you'll be a nice, easy-going and guy walking down the street with a smile on his face. that's what people (especially women) are attracted to.
     
  4. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Once again, the answer to your own question is right in the post. This is your main problem right here. You hold yourself to a ridiculous standard for conversation and as a result you psych yourself out of the game before you even have a chance to get into it.

    You hate doing speeches and improv? Well guess what you are going to have to do? DO SPEECHES AND IMPROVE SO MUCH THAT IT NO LONGER BOTHERS YOU.

    The best possible thing for you to do right now would be to join up with this group: http://www.toastmasters.org/ . Something like that would help you more than anything I think.

    The next thing to remember is that conversation is sort of like a tennis game or a volleyball match. Each person comes to a conversation with a certain number of balls (which I consier as "small talk"--things to start conversations toward deeper or more intersting things). Imagine the person you are talking to setting up and serving the ball to you and all you do is just catch it. So they set up and serve another one and you catch it. Pretty soon you are going to be holding all the balls, and the conversation is going to die and get awkward.

    You gotta learn how to return the serve (so to speak). When someone engages you in conversation, think of it like returning the "serve". Take what they said, reply to it, and then put your own spin on it and send it back to them in an engaging way. In the beginning, your best bet will be to ask them questions. That's always the best way for beginners struggling with convos to start because you are conversing with them, but they are the ones who are doing most of the talking...AND they'll love you for it because asking questions shows a genuine interest in what they are saying.

    And IMPORTANT: LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. Don't just focus on eye contact or think about what you are going to say next while they are speaking. While they are speaking, LISTEN to them and hear what they have to say so that you know what they are saying. Pick out the most engaging thing they say, and respond to it.

    Finally, pick up a copy of Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People and Leil Lowndes How to Talk to Anyone. Lots of good shit in there for you to pick up and use.
     
  5. Cock Diesel

    Cock Diesel New Member

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    Thanks for the responses. Really appreciate this.
     
  6. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    All I can add is something I learned.

    When you enter a social situation. Take notice of how self concious you are. How you are trying to represent yourself properly. How much effort you are making in standing so you look okay, what words you say so you sound okay, etc etc.
    Take notice of how much you are focused on you and how you look and then think about the possibility that everyone else in the room is doing the same thing :)

    Most people are far too caught up in themselves to care if you stuff up in conversation or look funny because your socks don't match :) They are most likely frightened about there being a awkward silence in the conversation and they are worried about how they will deal with it, rather than listening to what people are saying.

    Next time you enter a room remember that they are just as absorbed in themselves and they don't have time to care about if you don't do it 'right'.
     

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