SRS Trying to figure out long friendship

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by CaliforniaPlaya, Mar 21, 2007.

  1. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    I've been friends with someone for 10 years. Shes in her 20s and I'm in my 30s. We were friends for a short while, then dated exclusively for a couple of years. That didn't work out. She ended up cheating on me and lying about it, It wasn't surprising that things didn't work out between us, things weren't going so well towards the end and I actually expected the relationship to soon end, but I never thought she'd cheat on me. However, we talked about it and I understand why she did what she did when she did it. That doesn't make it right, but I understand her reasoning.

    We have been friends since and talk about a lot and know a lot about each other. But, for some reason, she likes to hide her relationships from me and I can't understand why. Her last relationship has been going on for a couple of years, but didn't tell me anything about it for over a year. They are pretty serious and engaged, but I've heard all this from other friends that know her. She swears to me that shes not even going out with that guy anymore.


    When shes at his house and I call, she'll tell me shes at familys house. When they are out together and I call, she'll tell me shes out with her family or friends. When they go on trips together, she tells me shes going with family.

    There isn't anything more between us than friends. We both trust each other a lot (or atleast did). I'm pretty sure she tells me the truth about everything else, but not her relationships. If I tell her I'm going to dinner with someone or she sees me someone with a female, she always asks who she is and acts all jealous.

    In the past I've asked why she wants to hide her relationships from me and she says that she doesn't know how I'll "take it" and seems to think I'll get mad. By hide, I'm not talking about simply not telling me, but completely lying about it and denying it. There isn't anything more between us than friends, so its not like shes lying to be with me or get anything else out of it. And thats what bothers me the most. THere shouldn't be any reason to lie about it, but she does. So all that does is make me wonder what else she lies to me about and want to question whether anything she tells me is true.

    Does it make sense to anyone why she would want to lie about her relationships after we haven't been together for 7 years? I realize sometimes being friends with an ex is difficult, especially when they get involved with other people, but I just don't understand this. I'd especially appreciate a female perspective on this.

    Thanks!!!
     
  2. MementoVivre

    MementoVivre like the cat...

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    Maybe she feels really uncomfortable about talking about it with you, because of how your relationship went. Maybe she feels guilty for cheating. Maybe when she talks to you she relives your relationship and the pattern of when you were still together (hiding her cheating). It's possible that you're not the only one she's doing this to, it might be pathological, and if it is there's not much you can do. Most likely she's hiding the fact that she's still talking to you from her current bf as well.

    I'm friends with my ex-bf still, and plan to be for a really long time. It kills me to think he'll date someone else, *because* we are still good honest friends and we get along so amazingly well, and cause I didn't want us to break up so soon. But I asked him to please be honest with me, even if it does hurt my feelings/ego/whatever. So far he has been honest, but stated the girl never called him back, which I don't know if it's true, but I'll take his word on it unless I find out different.

    I'd be honest with her that it's okay with you to know, that you want to be part of her life and the reasons you do, and that you want her to be honest with you because it's making you distrust everything else with her. If she can't deal with that, it's best to take the higher road, be honest with her about why you're not talking to her anymore, and move on.

    I hope the best for you.
     
  3. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    For some reason this seems to be a pattern with her. She cheated on me with someone, then she cheated on him with me. Then that guy cheated on her. The guy shes with now, fiancee I guess he'd be, cheated on her. When she found out, she totally lost it. She called me one day from work just crying uncontrollably. Said she was going through a severe depression. Thats when she first officially told me about this relationship. I did what friends do, listened to her for as long as she wanted to talk. Also told her at that time that I'm here for her as she already knows and that theres no need to hide her relationships from me.

    I knew through friends that they had gotten back together and I asked her about it several times. Not directly, but more indirectly if the subject came up. She always said they didn't get back together. Well, we talked about a month ago and she finally told me that they did get back together, but they weren't together anymore, which I know isn't true. Its almost as if she lies to me when the relationship is going on, but tells me about it afterwards.

    Now she tells me theres another guy that shes known for several years that shes talking to again and is interested in. I don't know if thats true or not. I even suggested a couple of nights ago that her 'special someone' takes her out to dinner. She tells me that there is no 'special someone' and that if there way, she wouldn't be talking to this other guy.

    But, at the same time, she has also told other people that she hasn't talked to me in months, when we usually talk several times a week. If we don't talk for a few days, she'll call me and ask why I haven't called her. She has borrowed my car a couple of times, but told people that she got a different car because hers got totalled in an accident.

    Its all just weird, and makes me not want to believe anything she says. Funny though, you know someone 10 years and think you're good friends and think you can trust them. But then find out you didn't really know that person you thought you did.

    Sad thing is though, for some reason, all my relationships or friendships seem to go this way after a while. Guess I really don't know how to 'choose' my friends well. :dunno:
     
  4. MementoVivre

    MementoVivre like the cat...

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    Well, I think it's saddest that she can throw friendships away like that. You obviously care about her, she obviusly doesn't know how to respect that. It does seem like she's bordering on being or is a pathological liar though, in which case she needs much more help than friends can provide. I know I couldn't trust her after all that.
     
  5. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    It sounds like she's just a nutcase or a pathological liar. Do you know if she had a fucked up childhood?
     
  6. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    YEP! Mom died when she was 9. Dad remarried a 19-year-old soon after. That one took a bunch of his money and left the country. Dad remarried again to a controlling woman who decided that her husband comes before his children . . . and unfortunately he went for that. He spends most of his money and time on his wife and not his children. My friend went back and forth a lot between her dads house and her grown brothers and sisters houses. I could keep going on here, but to answer your question, a big YES! And I know that has something to do with it.
     
  7. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    So we just talked on the phone for half an hour. I don't want to bring this up on the phone, but in person. I was dropping hints though. She said she wanted to save up money to buy a car. I said thats a good idea, to save up to buy a car, or a house, or get married (apparently she is also working on buying a condo with this guy). She said 'why do you say that?'. I said I don't know, might be a good idea. Find a nice guy, get married, buy a car and a house.
    I've been dropping hints like this for a few months, both in person and on the phone. So she says shes not ready for that. Shes not at a point in her life that shes ready to get married and she has to work on getting her own life situated before she thinks about marriage, all of which is true by the way. And I totally believe her and she is so convincing, except for the stories I've heard from other people who I know wouldn't make this up. She even ask me if I've heard differently about her getting married, because I keep bringing it up lately. I kind of avoided that question, because I didn't want to lie and tell her no, but I didn't want to bring it up on the phone either. I know I know, that would have been the perfect opportunity.
    If that was just an acquaintance or someone I haven't know long, it wouldn't matter. But 10 years is a heck of a long time to be friends with someone and have them tell you stories. And I honestly don't know which is true.
    I know shes smarter than to marry this guy, because he hasn't been that great to her (she deserves better). I know her life is a bit chaotic right now with work and school and shes not really ready for marriage. But I also know that she wouldn't make up stories and tell people shes getting married if shes not. So that just leaves her telling the truth to other people and lying to me. And all I want to know is WHY? Next time we get together, I'm going to ask her that same question.
    I'm just not sure how to confront her about it. I don't want to do it in an accusing way, and I don't want to come off as if I'm mad. Yea, of course I'm . . . honestly I don't know what I feel, more hurt than anything I guess. All I really want is answers. Why she feels the need to lie to me. If shes happy with this guy and they want to get married, than I'm happy for the both of them. I'd also be a bit concerned if shes making the right decision after the way he treated her the first year of the relationship. But all I want is to know why. But I gotta ask her that one.
    I'm starting to ramble on now, but how do I bring this up? Whats the best way to confront her without blowing it out of proportion? Its obviously a friendship I'd like to keep, otherwise I wouldn't bother wasting time on it. But I'm not sure how to bring it up without it turning out to be a big accusing match if me accusing her of lying and her telling me I'm fucked up for calling her a liar. She'll also want to know who told me what and I won't want to tell her because then she'll be pissed at them. Then they'll be pissed that I told her that they told me. And I highly doubt that she'll tell me. Shes so far into this lie now, she'll probably just stick to her story. Maybe I just shouldn't say anything and see where this goes. I dunno . . . the more I think about this the more I confuse myself.
     
  8. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    She is probably lying to you then... She only tells you after, so you'll find out she is married after the wedding aparently...
     
  9. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    How close is she with these other friends? There's a good chance she may be lying to them too.
     
  10. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    Yea, I'm starting to realize that. I know shes been lying to me for a while now. It just really hasn't bothered me. I've just kind of learned to be careful about what I do and say. I don't like to have to do that with someone I consider to be a friend. I've talked to her about it and she seemed like she started to open up a bit and feel comfortable talking to me again - I know she hasn't for a while. But now I'm realizing that shes continuing to lie to me. As well as she lies to other people about me.

    So, I don't know if all her lying revolves around me - either to or about me. Or if she just lies in general to everyone about everything. Its really starting to bug me though. I'm having a hard time believing anything she says . . . I'm almost wanting to catch her in a lie. I'm just waiting for the right time to talk with her.
     

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