SRS Trying not to get angry but WTF????

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Punky72, Jan 21, 2008.

  1. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    So my oldest daughter's father shows up at the house yesterday...(I was sleeping at the time)...and leaves a message with my bf that there was "some shit going down with him and his wife". He was suppose to call me later.

    Well, HE did not call me but his wife did....she left a message on the machine accusing me of sleeping with her husband...( I just listened to my messages like 5 mins ago)I mean SERIOUSLY!!!!! I haven't went down that road for almost 15 years now and DO NOT plan on going back. I'm Incredibly happy with my bf and love him with ALL my heart and soul..I have never cheated on anyone I was involved with and certainly don't plan on starting now!!

    So here is my dilemma...Do I ignore the call and chuck it up to the women is angry and lashing out, or do I call her and, in as polite a way as possible, tell her she is out of her frickin mind???

    I guess it makes me angry because I just don't like being accused of things I didn't do. And I don't like being placed in the middle of a domestic dispute either...especially when I don't really care about either person involved. ( the only way I would care about this is if it somehow effects my daughter). I only "get along" with my ex because he is my daughters father and it is in the best interest for my daughter to not show any type of bad attitude toward him. *sigh* Why do some people have to act so darned immature?
     
  2. OzzieChan

    OzzieChan Boom Bap

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    Just wait a few minutes, there'll be all sorts of caring and thoughtful advice for you here, thanks for posting.
     
  3. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    maybe tell her shes out of her mind. here are the reasons id never sleep with him again. she needs to relax and quit being paranoid.

    And if this kind if stressor is in your daughters environment, it is going to affect the kid.
     
  4. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    So, she said she is sorry but it's hard for her because he has cheated on her before. I assured her that I personally would never do that to my daughter, seriously, what kind of example would that be setting for my kids?

    Anyway, I feel that compelling urge to try to help out...God, even though I really feel like I need to just say out of it, she is really upset and I want to offer her some advice. She is suppose to call me back today. She is really upset and says she has no real friends...ugh...do I offer her help or just don't answer her call????

    You all have seen me mention this before that I really want to offer a helping hand when no one else does, but am I to close (my daughter) to this thing that it would cause more harm than good?????
     
  5. Japan Four

    Japan Four Guest

    avoid the drama as much as possibly, take the safest exit.
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Honestly? I wouldn't call her back. In fact I wouldn't even call your ex and explain. Let him deal with that bullshit. If she continues to call you and harrass you you can either answer and try your best to calmly explain her accusations are ridiculous or call the police.

    Edit: I just saw that you have talked to her...If you answer her call again tell her it is the only time you will talk to her. Tell her the obvious, that their relationship is failing due to their lack of trust (and commitment on his part considering he's cheated and now shes blaming him again). Tell her this is their problem, not yours. You don't have to be her friend just because she chooses to not have a life outside your ex. It's her choice what she does, but it sounds like their relationship is shit.
     
  7. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    How is this your problem?

    This is a good opportunity to ignore them and hang up the telephone when they call (Or screen your calls with your answering machine).

    As I've said, If I want drama I'll turn on TNT, because "they know drama.""

    You ignore them, and if they call again you file a police report for harassment. If it continues, you file a restraining order.

    See here is the great thing about "Free will." You don't have to be placed in the middle unless you choose to be there. Don't choose to be there.

    The answer is unimportant to your question, but what is important is how you respond to it. Respond to it by the way you do to running out of toilet paper. Say "Fuck" once, then do what you have to do to solve the problem immediately. Human beings don't always behave in inconvenient ways with our best interests, and the key to dealing with them is to not deal with them whenever possible if their inviting us to a fight. You don't accept every invite you get to parties, bar drinkin' shannigans, or karaoke? So why accept the invite to every fight?
     
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    In my opinion you made the wrong choice. Oh, and she doesn't trust you, even if you reassured her. You can be sure this problem will come up again.

    Offering others your help at the sacrifice of your serenity and sanity is foolish when they are perfectly capable of solving their own problems. At most, and I do mean at most, I "might" point someone in a direction, but I won't go beyond that.

    I come first, and I don't tolerate drama. You do "anything" here, helpful or not, you're going to pay a heavy price tag.

    Just remember, helping others can create dependency. In some cases I do the bare minimum, in others I do nothing. In this case you can bet your ass I'd keep out of it.
     
  9. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    Well, I gave this a lot of thought before the return call. I did speak to her once more and let her know that I refused to be placed in the middle of anything. They have an un-healthy marriage and need to seek out a marriage counselor. I can not be of any service to them because I am not licensed in that area. I also said that I am not trying to be rude or hateful, but this is the ONLY advice I feel I can give in this situation.

    She said she understands, and whether she does or not is none of my concern. I look at it this way...the only way this can directly affect my daughter is if she is there when something happens. So, I think that I have come to the conclusion that unless they seek out counseling, my daughter will no longer go there, because quite frankly, SHE doesn't need to deal with all their drama either. Don't get me wrong, he can pick her up and take her out for the day, but she will not be having overnight stays there until they resolve their issues.

    My bf thinks this is a good idea, but he will support whatever I decide to do.. I'm just wondering what OT thinks also. Is this action too harsh or do you think it's a wise decision? I'm sort of stuck on the fence with this one...It would be so nice if kid's came with instructions...
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Good for you.
     
  11. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Since your daughter is involved I'm willing to bend a little on the "minimal pointing in the direction" part, but I sure as shit would not have told them "I can't be of serve because I'm not licensed"" -- let me tell you why. Even if you were licensed, a good counselor who followed ethics would "never" get involved professionally in relationships with people they already knew.

    Never ever even suggest such a thing again, it's just not useful.

    Fair enough.

    It's perfectly appropriate.
     
  12. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    I'm not a parent, but if I were in your shoes, I think this is a good arrangement...yes she can go out with her dad, but :nono: to overnight stays until things on his end are cleared up.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2008
  13. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    Your daughters step-mother.
    Fuck.

    I want to say ignore it.
    It might sound crazy to just ignore this, but not ignoring it is pretty fucking crazy too. I think it is LESS crazy to ignore it.

    Look, you could call the woman. What do you expect to happen? Do you really think you can sit down with her, maybe pull out some credit card reciepts and prove to her that you were not at a particular place at a particular time. Do you think she is going to respond to that by saying, 'Wow thanks. Boy don't I feel like the fool. Wow. Forgive me? Best Friends Forever?'.

    No.
    What is going to happen is she is going to view you as a woman that has all the reasons in the world to lie to her and fool her. The idea that you can say to her, 'Hey I can prove I am not sleeping with your husband' is exactly the sort of thing that the sort of cunt that is sleeping with her husband would have prepared.

    Or you could chat it over with your ex-husband.
    Yeah that is something that is going to go somewhere sane.
    Of course your ex is gonna be nice to you - he has to put up with this loony bitch! You are the voice of reason.
    The problem here is if you are suddenly haveing extended conversations with your ex and God forbid you are discovered, well... the loony bitch is gonna have some ammunition.

    Don't pity your ex. He married the loony bitch. This is his problem.

    Okay.
    Who you should talk to.
    Your Daughter.
    Tell your daughter the truth.
    Just fess up to her.
    Tell her that sometimes adults get weird ideas in there heads and they can't let go of them. Look her in the eyes and say, 'This is the truth. I haven't slept with your Father for a long, long time. I love your Father enough to let him seek the loving relationships he deserves. I don't get involved because, well because it didn't work out for both of us.'.

    There, that is the best advice I got. If someone wants to subpeona you to court, then you talk about it. But aside from your daughter there is nowhere to go with this.
    It is a hand grenade.
     
  14. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    if you didn't do anything wrong, what's the problem?


    if someone questions your character based on assumption, that sure as hell doesn't say much about that person. Ignore her and her accusations and stay out of it.
     
  15. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    My ex calls me yesterday and tells me that he has been kicked out of the house and is currently staying with his brother about 2 1/2 hours away from here.

    This actually creates a new dilemma for me. He now is staying in a different state and wants to take my daughter with him there for the weekend. Now, his mom also lives there (whom I love and adore as if she were my own mother)...however, I feel a little concerned with this concept for two reasons:

    1. She has Down's Syndrome and has had 3 open heart surgeries (to patch up holes in her heart from birth), a pacemaker, and several other medical conditions. All of the doctor's and the only hospital she has ever been to are here.

    2. If she does go and somehow he is unable to get her back by Sunday, then I will be stuck with a two and a half hour drive to go get her.

    Her grandma (due to the distance she lives from us) has not been able to see her for also 2 years. She talks to her 2-3 times weekly on the phone but that's it. She really misses her and wants to see her. My daughter also wants to go.

    So, he is my question: Do I let her go and pray nothing happens, or do I tell them all that I do not believe it is in the best interest for her to be that far away? Now keep in mind that she has been very healthy for 2-3 years now and just, last week, had a pacemaker check which turned out fine, so I really don't believe medically speaking she will have problems, but I can never be too sure.

    I guess my problem is really am I being too "overly-protective" by feeling this way or should I loosen up the apron string's enough to let her go????
     
  16. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Yes, you are being WAYYYY overly protective here. You mentioned his mom and grandma's issues, but you are forgetting one tensy wensy little fact...SHE ISN'T STAYING WITH HIS MOM AND GRANDMA, SHE IS STAYING WITH HIM.

    Is your issue with him? Is he an unfit father or something who cannot possibly take care of a kid by himself?

    How old is your daughter?
     
  17. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    My daughter is 15 years old.

    I do not believe he is an "unfit" father when he is involved in her life. For awhile he was "in and out" of her life. He has been in her life again now for a few months (because SHE requested to see him) and he has made amends with her for not being there 100% of the the time. When she is with him, me takes good care of her and has all her MD info, and even took a class on CPR and congestive heart failure (which was a requirement by me due to her medical history) to better care for her.

    Maybe I am "overly-protective" for more reasons then one. However, she has been through a lot of medical ups and downs throughout the years. She almost died several times. I am just petrified that something will happen while she is gone and I won't be there to make sure she is okay.

    BTW, I guess I forgot to mention, her grandma stays only two houses down from where her dad is staying now.
     
  18. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    She's 15 years old. She can virtually take care of herself at that age. Even WITH the medical history, she should viably be able to take care of herself for the most part.

    If she were 2 years old, you might have some sort of point. But at 15 you shouldn't be taking her away from her dad just because he's a couple of hours away.
     
  19. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Ok, good to know given your daughter.

    The answer is no unless a back-up plan can alleviate responsibility of you having to take the drive. The medical issue can be planned, but you shouldn't be inconvenienced because of his situation, he should be.

    So any extra driving is his responsibility. If he can't guarantee a reasonable solution then the answer would be no (if it were me).

    The father wants to take her, he can come get her. Medical considerations should be planned in advance, such as which hospital she would go to, her medical records should be in order, medication scripts filled, only a weeks worth of meds should be given (To prevent losing the entire bottle by accident, as well as giving some flexibility in days if she stays longer for any particular reason, giving you enough time to make alternative plans). A list of the child's doctors, their phone numbers, addresses, e-mail, fax number, as well as a list of the child's medications, both name, dose, and how many times per day, as well as list of allergies, and list of her act diagnosics (List of what's wrong with her to watch out for). As well as your name, number, and address to call in case of the emergency.

    He is her father, and with proper planning the medical issue should be minimal in the decision making process. Plan accordingly, and it's not an issue. Don't plan accordingly and you're putting the child in danger and of course she should not go if you can't be prepared.

    Be reasonable and rational, but also compassionate and flexible with the needs of others (The child, father, grand mother). I would not "trust" them to be thorough in organizing her medical history and records though. That's your job since you're the concerned one.
     
  20. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    As far as her medical records go, I have copies of ALL her medical records since birth. I actually have my own files that I take with us any time she has to see a new doctor (much easier than writing all that stuff down on new patient forms.) So, I have made a second copy of all the important information for her dad. I also contacted the only hospital in their area to make sure that in case of an emergency with her they are equipped to handle it. (It's a VERY rural area). They told me that they can handle most of the potential situations that could happen and for the ones they are not equipped for they would air lift her back here. So, the medical aspect is covered.

    I do want to nurture and support her relationship with her dad (especially since I grew up without mine). I will let her go with him now that I know her medical issues can be handled (provided he has adequate transportation). I guess I just have a hugh problem trusting anyone to care for and protect my kid's. Especially my oldest (given her disabilities). I know they grow up and you have to let them go eventually, but letting go is really hard for me (not that I wont let go. I still don't have to like it though). I have been though so much in my life that I just don't want them to suffer the same kind of things I had to endure. Does that make sense or am I just overly emotional right now?
     
  21. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    Seems normal to me. It'll be all right.
     
  22. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Good

    Good

    Makes sense, good decision. Everything is a risk, but we're alive, we're not dead.
     
  23. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    Thanks guys. I am just a little emotional about this because my daughter almost died before, and there has never been this many miles that have separated us. I know that I have to let her grow up and do what is best for her physically and mentally. It's just I have "trust" issues when it comes to my kid's, it is VERY difficult for me to "trust" anyone with my children's well being.

    I know letting go and letting your children grow up is a part of life. It's just not easy and it kind of tears me up inside.:wtc:

    So, this weekend, please forgive me in advance when I am ranting on here and crying my eye's out because my first "baby" is growing up.
     
  24. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I don't blame you.

    I know. It's like flying on a plane.

    We'll be here.
     
  25. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    Okay, so he is suppose to pick her up between 6 and 7 tonight....

    This is really getting increasingly difficult to let her go. I am going to let her go, but it is even harder now then before....:wtc:
     

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