Trust Issues

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Kohnen07, May 2, 2009.

  1. Kohnen07

    Kohnen07 New Member

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    So I've been in a relationship for 5 months now with my boyfriend Matt. As it's obvious that the commitment and attachment has strengthened, I still hesitate putting all of my trust into him because of what happened a few months ago...

    It was only a week after we'd been together that he went to a gay bar and made out with a guy. He also went home with him but claims he didn't do anything with him, which I'm still not entirely sure about. He told me about this incident nearly a month later. Before finding this out though, I was looking through his phone out of pure boredom, and found text messages to another guy stating, "You're so much hotter than Adam." and "Ooo, you're showering? I wish I were there." After reading these messages I felt so used and betrayed that I wanted to just hide my face and leave, but I confronted him about it right away and he apologized and said he felt horrible after he realized what he had done, and since the honesty was free-flowing, he told me about the gay bar incident.

    Nothing has happened since and we have been together four more months. We practically live together now and we're moving in together next month, but lately the past has been eating away at me. He says that he loves me and knows he wants to be with me for as long as he possibly can and I believe him. He tells me that there isn't a guy in this world who could replace me or come close to how perfect I am for him. We've discussed this issue so many times and every time he apologizes left and right and even tears up from hurting me so much. In his past he never had a relationship and always just had casual sex. He says that he was still transitioning then and didn't realize the consequences of his actions. I told him that if it ever happened again, or anything even remotely close to it, that I would leave no questions asked. I know he's changed. I just need to know how I can earn his trust back and he also wants this badly. I don't want to be this way forever and I'm sure he doesn't want me to be either.

    Please help me!
     
  2. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    most people would have a hard time dating a person who is bisexual. me included.
    good for you that you can.

    now to your issue.

    out of boredom my ass. there's a lot of shit i do when im bored and looking through my gf's texts is not one of them.
    i dont see a huge issue w. you doing it (although you will be hammered by most on here for doing it) but at least be honest.

    had he given you hints that led you to want you to look through his phone?


    this will sound strange as most people want to make sure that relationships start off on the right foot. me? if a person does something a little shady at the beginning it does not bother me all that much. at the beginning a person's feelings for the other are not a strong as they will be later.


    however if you now no longer trust him bc of what he did why would you want to advance the RS by moving in?

    i think you should work on this before you think about moving in. otherwise all the little things you didnt know about him until after he moves in will be made even worse by your resentment of what he did at the club.
     
  3. Reign

    Reign Banned

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    I'd like to help but I have no experience on this type of relationship. I wish you luck though and the best advice I have to you is communication. 2nd most important thing of any relationship, especially when it relates to the first most important thing such as in this case.
     
  4. fray

    fray New Member

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    If you are having any hesitations (which you are) DO NOT MOVE IN W/ HIM!! I speak from experience. It is very soon to be moving in even if everything was going perfect, but it's not. I would be re-evaluating the relationship. You need to find out whether he can be loyal and monogamous. If you don't think he'll be able to happy just with you, you're setting yourself up for disaster.
     
  5. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    First off... wow you are moving fast. Moving in after only 5 months? Its one thing to leave a tooth brush + set of clothes, but to fully move in? I would wait at least a year.

    In my book, what he did was cheating. You said he made out with another guy and then went home with him correct? Things can only get worse and I would expect him to. Really once trust is broken, you can never get it back, since you will always be wondering if he is at a gay bar, hooking up with dudes.

    If you do decide to take him back. I would not sleep with him until he gets checked for STDs. HIV/AIDs is fairly common among the gay population and you do not want it.
     
  6. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    hmm

    making out with a dude is kind of a huge red flag :bowrofl:
     
  7. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    everything in your story leads me to believe he is giving and or taking it in the asshole from another dude*




    *or dudes


    and it sucks in your case you dont have to worry about him cheating on you with other girls now you gotta worry about him cheating on you with other guys :o
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Why the heck are you moving in with a guy if you are having trust issues? I'm not gonna throw out the "break up' card just yet, but it would be downright STUPID to move in with someone if you are having doubts.
     
  9. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    oh shit :o
     
  10. fray

    fray New Member

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    Yeah, I was assuming threadstarter was also a dude. Advice holds regardless.
     
  11. Kohnen07

    Kohnen07 New Member

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    I see where you all are coming from about the moving in situation. The only reason we're doing it is because we both received a job at the same place about an hour and a half from here for the summer.

    and yeah, I'm a guy.. it's a gay relationship. Sorry to confuse anyone. Haha. Believe it or not, the trust is SLOWLY returning with every apology but it's just not where I'd like it to be.
     
  12. fray

    fray New Member

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    "convenience" move-ins are a bad idea. Is this just for the summer? I still think it's a rush when there are unresolved issues.
     
  13. Kohnen07

    Kohnen07 New Member

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    Yeah, it's only for the summer. The only unresolved issues are stemming from me I think. I'm not the paranoid type, but I am when I know he'll be hanging out with friends or whatever, but I would never tell him never to hang out with them. I'm not the controlling type at all and I never will be.

    Maybe I should reconsider the moving in thing. It does seem a little too fast and like a bad idea when I'm feeling this way.

    What about trust though? I know it takes an enormous amount of time to completely trust someone again, but I just want to forgive, forget, and let go. I'm so tired of stressing over it and thinking about it.
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yeah, mistake staying with this guy.
     
  15. fray

    fray New Member

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    Don't place all the blame on yourself. You're allowed to have your feelings. It isn't all your fault. You had your expectations for the relationship and he broke them. The issue is you both didn't have the same expectaions. You need to communicate what you expect out of the relationship, exclusivity, etc. If you hadn't done that and it was early and you seriously think he just goofed up, well then put it out of your head and just move along (may not be easy). If you think he knew better and did it anyway, then you've got a bigger decision to make. If you guys already discussed and agreed to being exclusive and he still hooked up with some else, then I'd probably leave. But that's me.
     
  16. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    lol roofled waiting for you guys to catch the guy thing.

    man that "so much hotter then" comment really makes it a lot worse to me. insult to injury. makes it impossible to even think maybe he just didn't have you on his mind and made a mistake. He was thinking about you and did it anyway.
     
  17. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    yes, he is allowed to have his feeling, but a relationship with a festering wound needs to be exited. at some point you have to either forgive or get out.
     
  18. fray

    fray New Member

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    Isn't that what I said?
     
  19. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    im just saying that hes been having these feelings for 95% of the relationship and over 4 months. kinda past the "ok to have feelings" stage and into the its really either time to deal with these feelings and let them go or exit the relationship phase.
     
  20. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Is the TS male or female?
     
  21. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    male, but it doesn't matter.
     
  22. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    well it does matter, but since we're talking about a gay relationship then the dynamic changes.

    At any rate, you need to decide what is acceptable behavior from a bf in your opinion. If your bf does something you don't consider to be acceptable in a relationship, then you need to either lay down the rules or break up.
     
  23. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Run. Run and Don't Look Back.

    I don't really understand why you are in this relationship. Kohnen, how would you say your self-esteem is?
     
  24. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    .
     
  25. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    good post
     

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