Trust issues

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by DTR rex, Aug 20, 2008.

  1. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    So it seems I have some trust issues. Not exactly sure where they stem from and why but they are there. I had them in my past relationships and with the girl I am seeing now it seems I stumble across little stuff that raises an eyebrow... and since I am a pretty up-front kind of guy I bring it up to her. There always seems to be a reasonable explanation for it, but my mind tends to make it more than it is and blow it out of proportion.

    It sucks because I don't like getting this little feeling of distrust in others, but I am having a hard time helping it and want to get rid of it before it becomes an issue that might ruin the relationship potential.

    For the record, i've never been cheated on and never (as far as I can remember) had an even in my life that ended up being a major violation of my trust.
    I've had friends (a few actually) betray my trust in the past, but I don't see how that would carry over so heavily into my relationship world.

    Any input?
     
  2. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

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    Specific examples
     
  3. NiggaPHX420

    NiggaPHX420 OT Supporter

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    Simple defense mechanism.

    I have the same problem. In my case, its because Ive never really experienced a real relationship before, and I used to be morbidly obese. At least in my case, part of me thinks Im not good enough, and I should always be on defense because surely something good cant last.

    Do you feel you have any self-esteem issues?
     
  4. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    ^Nailed it.

    Trust issues stem from an insecurity in yourself.
     
  5. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    I'll hear/see something from/to a male friend of her which is done in a joking sexual natural. I let her know it seems pretty strange and ask what it was all about and she tells me that she jokes like that with all her friends and it's harmless.
    Upon reflecting on it, I guess it is pretty harmless, but nonetheless it still plants that seed in my head that makes me have doubts/suspicions/trust issues.

    She has a lot of male friends and some of them like her (pretty common story) and she's pretty close with them despite the fact that she's only known them for a year or so. Again, somewhat common amongst females of my age (since most love male attention) but I can't help but to sometimes think their place in her life is inappropriate.... Especially when I know they like her a lot (romantically) and she just keep shooting them down but they still go after it knowing she has a boyfriend (seems disrespectful to me).

    One guy, who I don't like very much is a friend of her and they used to like each other a year ago but never dated or hooked up and now he still likes her. He constantly asks her out and constantly gets shot down from her. I expressed to her that her friendship with him makes me a bit uncomfortable seeing as they once liked each other, he still likes her, and he constantly asks her out and says he loves her.... Yet she remains friends with him and jokes with him about sexual stuff all the time. She said she'll stop with the sexual jokes and although it's all in good fun she can understand how it bothers me, but to be honest their entire friendship bothers me.
    She refuses to stop talking to him though (I didn't give her an ultimatum, but I did imply that shit would be better if he got the boot).

    She's intent on staying friends with him despite the fact that he is causing problems in us developing a better relationship with one another.... Naturally this starts up some trust issues.

    This isn't just about THIS girl though... I've had trust issues for a while with friends/relationships, etc...
    I am just not sure why. I am positive the girl I am with isn't cheating, but I still don't like what's going on. My trust issues are stopping me from being ok with it all and it may eventually ruin the chance for a good relationship.
    I can't help but to think I am overreacting and at the same time think I am justified in having problems with trusting her.

    BTW, she's never cheated in a past relationship either if that matters.
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2008
  6. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Yeah, I know I have a defense mechanism, but I am not sure exactly why.

    I don't really think I have any insecurity/self-esteem issues. I thought about that, but my only real issue seems to be with trust.

    To be honest, i've been told I am pretty confident. I've never had trouble getting women, I have a great physique, I am successful in school, have a lot of friends, etc...


    That's what make this so strange for me to understand. Usually the first thought is insecurities, but I really don't see any within myself besides this problem of trusting people.... I put up a wall and the smallest thing can put me in defensive/attack mode.

    I've been dicked over by some friends in the past that I really trusted, but I can't see how that would affect my ability to trust a woman so much and why I become so suspicious so easily.
     
  7. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Is it possible to have an insecurity pertaining to one specific thing, but not other things?

    A common response to this would be that I feel like I am not good enough for her and she could find better... hence why I am over suspicious and not totally trusting due to little shit...

    But compared to her male friends and other guys she has dated I am a fucking Adonis, lol. I seem to be obsessed with the idea of being disrespected and anyone who engages in disrespecting me (friend, g/f, g/f's friends) I become livid and perhaps that breeds distrust or something :ugh:
     
  8. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

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    1) Grab all of your guy friends
    2) Chest-bump, hit the beer-bong, hang drywall, drive over things with a truck, and quit being a pussy.
     
  9. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    how is this other guy causing problems? because you are insecure about him? because she chooses him over you?
     
  10. NiggaPHX420

    NiggaPHX420 OT Supporter

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    While the other guy may not be causing actual problems, it is EXTREMELY disrespectful to be spitting game at DTR's girl, knowing full well she is in a relationship.


    DTR,

    I feel you. My girlfriend has a 5:1 male to female friend ratio. Its tough.

    All you can do is suck it up and let shit roll knowing that if there was a problem, she'd let you know.
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i agree its disrespectful. but what i wanted to find out was if his gf is letting this guy get in between them, or if the TS is letting his insecurities cause problems that dont really exisit
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Wow, you've been gone forever and you've got a gf now? There's so much you need to update (in the chat thread :mamoru:).
     
  13. NiggaPHX420

    NiggaPHX420 OT Supporter

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    :mamoru: been dating like 6 months now :eek5:
     
  14. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    If a guy asks my girl out knowing she is with me then he doesn't get to be on her list of friends. The dude would be disrespectful to her and me and if my girl lets that kind of relationship continue then she is being disrespectful of me and that shit don't fly.
     
  15. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    :ugh2:
     
  16. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Well it's true. My girl doesn't put up with that. She has more respect for me than to let some guy be all over her.

    Or did you think I meant I wouldn't allow it? :rofl: As if I could ever control her. I'd have better luck fighting forest fires with a bucket of water.
     
  17. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    No, I am not insecure/jealous of him. I am smarter, I am better looking, I have a better body, I have the girl that he wants, if anything the dude is crazy jealous/insecure of ME.

    His ability to cause problems harbors itself in the sense that he asks my g/f out KNOWING WE ARE DATING. That is absolutely disrespectful and uncalled for IMO. I am old-fashioned when it comes to this... You don't constantly hit on a girl when you claim to care about her and know she has a bf. 9/10 times that would warrant an ass kicking. He's pretty fortunate I am level headed and don't resort to violence in most cases.

    Honor and integrity are important to me... and this kid has none. He blatantly disrespects me and for some reason my g/f keeps saying it's no big deal, he's insecure, he's lonely, and I need to just let it go.
    And naturally her determination to maintain a friendship with this scumbag is starting to build up trust issues within myself. If I am uncomfortable about their friendship because of his constant presence of disrespect why the hell does she keep saying it's no big deal and maintain a friendship?
    It seems unnatural to me and a bit shady.
     
  18. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    It's not that I am concerned she is cheating on me or getting railed by this dude...

    It's the above (disrespect issues and her not thinking it's a big deal) and also that she seems to talk to him different than other friends. She's pretty open about stuff and has a lot of male friends but she just seems a little too close to comfort with this specific guy. They talk about personal stuff and she sometimes talks to him in a manner I would expect someone to talk to a guy she was dating or involved with.
    She said she's like that with all her good friend and for a while her and him were best friends so it just kinda carried over.... but the shit still makes me feel uneasy.
     
  19. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    I feel ya 100% man. I'm in a similar situation which will have its own thread soon. It's hard to tolerate people that don't have any respect for you. What's worse is that she isn't ready to let him go as a friend and it sounds like he is trying to undermine your relationship in hopes that he'll one day get with her, even if that is the furthest thing from reality.

    I guess the most you can do is not let it bother you so much and hope that she eventually stops being so close to him. I'd never ask a gf to completely lose a friend but I'd expect her to realize when it's becoming detrimental to the relationship
     
  20. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Yeah, I never "said" it's him or me, choose... but I did imply that he's bad for the potential of our relationship and I don't like his presence in her life.

    I was hoping he would just fall out of the picture, and he has to some extent... sometimes they will go a few weeks without talking, she keeps saying he's a good friend that she doesn't want to drop and I am overreacting about it.

    I guess the idea that she has a male friend she is close to and shares/talk to like someone she might be in a relationship with bothers me a lot since he's a disrespectful prick and she used to like him way back in the day for a few weeks (nothing happened though).
     
  21. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    you're insecure probably


    work on your self image


    edit: also, maybe the girl you're seeing just isn't a trustworthy. I've dated girls before that would deliberately flirt with other guys just to see my reaction to boost their self-esteem.
     
  22. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

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    This is something that was not clear to me before this post. YEAH, I can see why you don't trust her, that's not your issues, that's her love for attention resulting in your lack of trust. If she really likes you and has self-confidence and -respect, she would tell him to bug off, she's taken. But obviously, she doesn't find it a big deal because she gets a kick out of his attempts, because either she doesn't like you, or the come-ons flatter her insecure ego.

    IMO, not a relationship-worthy candidate. This is a red flag signaling future issues. Cut and run.
     
  23. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Ok, well I am a pretty up-front, no BS kind of person. So I pulled her aside and asked her WTF was up. I didn't care if I was over-stepping boundaries... I just wanted to handle this stupid crap because it's not worth bugging out over.

    We had a talk for about 45min and she was very clear and concise about the way she speaks to him being a mere extension of friendship and she gave me several examples of how she talks to other friends in the same way.
    After telling her how I felt she was completely understanding and sympathetic to the fact that maybe some stuff was giving both me and him the wrong idea and I was warranted in being upset and suspicious.
    This doesn't mean I don't have trust issues, but at least it somewhat validates my concerns. Trust I feel, is going to be an issue I am going to have to be aware of and work at.

    Then she told me that now that she is involved it probably would be best to tone that stuff down with him, and would do so immediately.

    Then she admitted to having her own insecurity and attention issues and never told him to lay off because (1) deep down she the attention makes her feel good and (2) she is non-confrontational and didn't think it was a big deal and figured he would stop after a while.

    Then she promised to sit him down and explain that she is not interested and if he has feelings for her he needs to keep them to himself and stop badgering her to go out with him or she would have to terminate the friendship.... and the choice would be his.

    So all and all it was fairly productive. I am glad I just went ahead and tackled the issue right away rather than try to figure out motives and worry myself. We'll see how it all turns out and what/anything changes.

    Thanks for any input guys/girls.
     

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