SRS Topic: what the F. (heavy subject. read at your own risk.)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by jared_IRL, May 10, 2006.

  1. jared_IRL

    jared_IRL OT Supporter

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    I got news Sunday morning that my cousin hung himself Saturday night.

    I'm having a hard time figuring out how to deal with this. He was my closest cousin, but had moved far south a few years ago, and we haven't talked since. He did have a ton of problems, both drug related and psychological, but no one knew how bad.

    Back in middle/highschool, my parents took him in for a number of years because his mom was pretty bad off and couldn't raise him right. For that time, we were inseperable. He shook off all of his problems, got solid B's in school, got his first girlfriend, had a good group of friends, and really showed that he was capable of doing something besides getting into trouble. Then his mom decided that she was moving to Mississippi for a job oppurtunity, and he chose to go with her. He quickly fell back into the bad crowd without the social structure, had two children with his girlfriend, and it ended up like this.

    Without going into too much detail, he did it in a way that would force his mom to relive it every time she steps out of her house.

    So now, here I am stuck between a rather large set of emotions. I don't know how I feel. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm not sure if it's fair to feel like he wouldd have made it if he wasn't down in that environment. I don't want to blame his mom, because I do love her, but those feelings keep creeping up in my mind. I also feel soooo horrible for her htat i'm sick to my stomach. And I feel like I let him down in some way. Because to my knowledge, the best time in his life, the most successful, happy, and enjoyable time in his life was with me by his side, and I didn't do more to help him keep that. But most of all, even though I haven't seen or talked to him, and our lives are completely seperate and different, I miss him. And I wish I would have known the problems he was having. I would have helped.

    advice?
     
  2. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I'm sorry for your loss.

    This will do better in this forum.
     
  3. michaele36

    michaele36 New Member

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    it sounds like his mom kind of put him on the wrong track. although he might have been destined for that way but because he lived with you he hung out with your friends.
     
  4. The Militant

    The Militant THE FUTURE

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    Wow, first it isn't your fault, and the situation was beyond your control and what you did, or didnt do was not the cause. Like everyone always says you don't know what you have till you lose it. You had those good years with your cousin, the one with smiles and laughs, where you two talked about eachothers problems. Remember those years, when a person is gone they still remain through memories. You had no idea he was going to do this, we arent sure if anyone did, so for you to blame yourself for not helping is like being a firefighter in new york that was on vacation during 9/11 blaming himself for not being able to help. While he was with you he may have been happy but people change, a few months alone and he could have been a completly diffrent person, thats life, changes. If he thought how this would affect those who cared for him, if he thought about you before doing this i am sure he would have rather had you remember the happy him, the him you helped create rather than how he left.

    Keep your head up and don't blame yourself, there could be 100 reasonss why this happened. You may understand the situation better but i wouldnt blame or hold grudges, his mom may have been wrong and bad but just imagine how much worse her knowing other people think of her to blame could make it, anything she could have done would not have been with the intentions of this happening.

    Remember your cousin, thats the only he will remain here even when he isnt. Remember your fun, happy cousin
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    A cornered cat makes weird jumps to get out, you have to understand that your cousin 'never' intended to make you unhappy by comitting suicide. Therefore don't get consumed by the darkness that he has thrown into your life, because he didn't do it on purpose in that sense to hurt you,because when you are at that darkest hour of your life , you are 100% self consumed, you don't even take it in aspect how much it will hurt those who love you. This because you are drowning in your own problems you need and want to 'escape' to a better place, and from that position where your cousin was in, death in his eyes was a better alternative then coping with the problems he was currently into.

    It is THE most important thing that you 'forgive' your cousin so his soul may rest in peace.
     
  6. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    How did he do it? Is it really so clear that he was trying to send a message to his mom?
     
  7. UFO

    UFO Evolved

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    Suicide's a very selfish act. People who commit suicide generally do it for their own benefit with what seems like total disregard for the people who love and care for them. That's not the case though as their needs to cease living outweigh their desire to keep loved ones safe from hurt and they generally fight an inner turmoil. To be honest: I've thought of suicide in the past and the only thing that kept me from it was how much it would hurt those I loved. I guess I am lucky that I have never hit rock bottom enough to disregard those feelings.

    About 7 years ago my uncle died. Nice bloke, but he died a shitty death from cancer. My Aunt, his wife, was with him through all of this. They didn't have children and me and my sister were the closest things they had to children of their own. We weren't terribly close (I live 4,000 miles away from home for a start) but I would write to them every other month and call on birthdays, etc. When my uncle died my aunt went into a deep depression. Everyone tried to help but she shunned them all. My parents even had her stay at their house for a few weeks but she just up and left after 2 days without a goodbye or anything. She wasn't the aunt I knew anymore. She lasted for 2 years living as a shell of the women she was before she took an overdose which ended her life.

    It was the first time I had cried for as long as I could remember. I hadn't cried when my uncle died and it wasn't that I liked my aunt more it was because she took her own life. I was pissed. I hated the fact that she had put my family through this and I was so angry at how selfish she had been. How dare she do this to our family! The suicide letter didn't help (I refuse to go into details about that). Then the guilt came. What if I had written more often, or phoned more often. When was the last time I told her I loved her? Should have told her more often. Why wasn't I there for her when she needed me most? The anger subsided and guilt took over. After a few weeks I realised that I was being selfish for being angry over what she did. I also realised that she knew I was there for her if she needed me; she just didn't want anyone there for her. She was lonely, not because she had no family but because the one man she had spent most of her life with was gone and she didn't know how to cope with that. Well, in reality, she just didn't want to cope with that. There was nothing any of us could have done to stop her from doing what she believed she needed to do, and what she needed to do was be with the man she loved more than any other person on this earth. I finally got to a point where I was 'content' with what she did and I hold no ill feeling. I miss her still, but none of the feelings I had would bring her back and they only tarnished the fond memories I had of her.

    So, basically, the feelings you have are normal. They're human. They will also subside and you will find your peace over time. Don't harbour ill feelings towards anyone as they will only come back to bite you in the arse. Time will heal the wounds. I'm no therapist but I do know what you are going through to a certain extent so feel free to PM if you need to talk to somebody who you can relate to.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2006
  8. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    I've seen three suicides around me in my life. It was in two cases exactly the opposite. It was out of concern for those around them that they ended their life.
     
  9. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    how so?
     
  10. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    1. terminal illness, no chance of recovery, years into it, finally so bad he wasn't coming out of the hospital again but was going to waste away for months, arranged for a fifth to be brought in, alcohol+whatever they were giving him killed him. He detailed his motivations in a letter. His family was distraught during the entire illness. They never quite accepted it as he had.

    2. 24yo man with serious phychological problems, had hurt family/friends time and time again and in some pretty serious manners, gave recovery a chance, and again, and again, but couldn't get over his issues, family would not remove themselves from his life so he could stop hurting them, he took his life in a moment of clarity to end the cycle. again, detailed his motivations in a letter.

    3. A guy in my AA group simply went off the deep end. Had kids, wife, family....just gave up when faced with some large and serious obstacles. This is the third, but does not support my original premise.
     
  11. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    from what you've written, i also think those first two were honorable suicides
     
  12. Radiohead

    Radiohead Everything in its right place...

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    what part of mississhitty? :sadwavey:
     

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