SRS Too nice

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Anticipate, May 27, 2007.

  1. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    I think I'm too nice and I get taken advantage of by people. What should I do about this? If I stop being nice, people will say I'm mean and will stop liking me.
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Well, here's one rule I try to live by...

    Don't loan or borrow money.
     
  3. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    what specifically are you doing that allows people to take advantage of you? and how do you define "being nice"
     
  4. DnA02

    DnA02 Hey, how YOU doin?! OT Supporter

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    if they stop liking you because they cant take advantage of you, why bother with those people? they dont deserve your kindness. show your kindness to those who deserve it.

    and what to do about being too kind? refuse to do things at times, i usually refuse when it puts a burden on me (i will accept the burden if the person asking is someone i care about a lot) and when i feel that the person asking doesnt deserve my help for whatever reason (im not close to them, they only talk to me to ask me favors, etc)
     
  5. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    There are many things, for example, letting my roommate borrow my milk if she runs out. Then I have to go and buy a new container for myself. Or, at work, not asking the secretary to file my files, even though I'm allowed to ask her, then having the boss yell at me that the files aren't put away.
     
  6. mrs kaje

    mrs kaje ________________

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    Are you maybe a bit insecure - afraid people won't like you if you say no to them?

    Next time your roommate runs out of something and you let her use yours, just say "Sure, but can you pick me some up when you go out later?"

    Learn to say no sometimes. It's no good being a 'yes' person if you can't keep your word about stuff (like keeping files picked up etc, where you cop the blame for it in the end). It's better to be seen as someone who is happy to help when they can instead of being seen as unreliable or something.
     
  7. Schadenfreude1

    Schadenfreude1 New Member

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    I was the same way in my teens. You don't want to rock the boat. You want to be "liked". But people don't like people who they can't respect.

    There is a difference between being mean, and being assertive. If you think you are being taken advantage of, you probably are. Simply say "no, i don't have enough milk to give you, when i go to the store do you want me to pick some up for you?" and "Mrs Secretary, when you have a moment, could you please file these for me? Thanks."
     
  8. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    sounds like you're really worried about what people will think of you - my roommate will think i'm selfish and mean if i don't share my milk, my boss will think i'm incompetent if i don't do my own work - or maybe you don't feel like the secretary can do a good job with your files? (i never use the admin at my job because i don't trust the end product:hsugh:)

    but really, how bad would it be if you said, i'm sorry you're out of milk, you'll have to go get some. or if you gave the files to the secretary.

    why so worried about what people will think? i don't think people will think you're too mean and stop liking you, they will think you are strong and able to stand up for yourslf.

    i just told my boss i wouldn't take a position he wanted me to take - he kept pushing me to take the position, i kept saying no, he said, if you want to work here you'll take it. someone else came to me and said, he can't do that. so i went back to him and told him i didn't want it. he was pissed and thinks i'm a shitty employee, but in the end, i had a lot of coworkers come to me and say, good for you for standing up for yourself. i mean, yeah my boss is pissed, but in the end i know i did what's right for me. i hate to say it, but if you don't take care of yourself or respect yourself, you can't expect others to take care of you or give you the respect you deserve.
     
  9. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    Hm...you've made some good points. As far as letting roommates borrow things, I used to live in an apartment where everyone shared one internet connection that was on my computer. One girl really took advantage, and screwed up my computer while using it. Eventually, my computer broke, and I knew it was her fault. She wouldn't take the blame, though, and claimed "everyone was using it." (Long story, but I knew it was she who had broke it). I told my roommates that they were no longer allowed to use my computer- and rather than respecting me for standing up for myself, she basically called me a bitch and acted all holier than thou, because she let me use her microwave (a 50 dollar product, as compared with a 1200 dollar computer....good comparison, right?).
     
  10. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    huh. when i was in college, my freshman year, i lived in an apartment with 3 other girls. the girl with whom i shared my bedroom would always want to borrow my computer, and one day i told her i couldn't have her on it all the time because i might want to come back from class and use it. she got pissy, said she was moving in with her boyfriend, left all her shit but told us we couldn't use it. in the end, life went on. i've never seen her again, but i hope she pulled the stick out of her ass.
    shit like this happens. i don't share this to trivialize what you're going through, because i get it. it sucked at the time, and i felt like a total bitch for kicking her off my shit, especially when my other roommates were all, let it go, bla bla bla.
    but in the end, you're the one dealing with people using your stuff and having your boss upset with files not being put away - not the people who think you're "not nice."
     
  11. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    The roommate that happened with was not in a college dorm, but was in an apartment- her apartment, her lease, to be precise. So if I did something that pissed her off, she would in turn be a bitch to me, to make me want to leave the apartment (which I did after only four months of living there - four months too long).
    As for the boss, I was worried that he would think I was being "not nice" if I asked the secretary to put away my files. Basically, he told me to put them away, but a coworker told me that the secretary would do it. So I was confused about whether I could ask her or not. It was a complex situation.
     
  12. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    well, obviously this chick wasn't someone who made a good roommate anyway, so you cut your losses.

    as far as the boss - i would worry more about whether my boss thought i was being unprofessional rather than not nice. :o and as far as asking what a secretary will do - check with more than one coworker if you don't feel like you got the full story. someone there will give you the rundown.
     
  13. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    I asked a coworker, who told me she wasn't sure if I could ask her to file my stuff, so she told me to ask my boss. But my boss already had told me to do it myself. Meanwhile, a different coworker had told me I could ask her to file the stuff. So basically I was getting conflicting messages, and I was afraid to ask my boss directly, for fear of him thinking I was "not nice." And believe me, apppearing nice to him was everything, he made a career out of "seeming nice."
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2007

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