Too attached and too dependent

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Brigante, Oct 18, 2006.

  1. Brigante

    Brigante i'm a lurker without an avatar, deal with it

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    my girlfriend whom i do love so much has a problem and she's also well aware of it. she's too attached to me and too dependent. we get to see each other on weekends only coz i was transferred in my job, we talk everyday sometimes for hours at a time. yet on weekends whenever i leave her place, she becomes depressed and sad when i leave. i can't leave out of town to visit friends and family without her throwing a fuss. i wish i could stay and be with her too but i don't beat myself up so much like she does. i just look forward to the next time i get to see her. but her? she cries and becomes an emotional wreck for a few days which isn't good for her. she stresses herself out over this. she loses sleep and doesn't have an appetite often where she won't eat. she asks me to stay and call in to work and as much as i'd love to do that, that's just not practical right now. and i think it's selfish of her to even ask me to do that.

    i'm out of ideas and i don't know what to do about this. i've suggested everything from a break from 'us' to her moving up here with me, which isn't feasible either. the idea of just cutting her loose completely has crossed my mind but i really do love this girl and don't want that at all. any help is appreciated.
     
  2. skitcy

    skitcy uhm title! ok

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    You need to communicate with her if you remotely want to save this.

    Have you talked with her about this at all? And I mean a serious talk, she obviously doesn't realize that your job is your means to living and it's not one of those things you can just "throw away". Stop talking on the phone so damn much too.. you both need to have your own lives outside the relationship or if you ever do break up or get to be closer it's going to be very akward.

    Step 1) Decide what YOU Want
    Step 2) Sit her down, have a honest discussion, you're either going to say hey we can work on this but this is what's gotta happen, or hey I'm sick and I need space/moveon.
    Step 3) If the answer to step 2 was "lets work on this", evaluate the progress / changes, see if anything changed or it's just getting worse and repeat step 2 if necessary.
    Step 4) Most importantly, don't regret, and do not try to change your mind afterwards. If you said lets break up, you gotta mean it, and you gotta stick to it... after you say it there's no turning back. If you say lets work on it you gotta keep your stance and if she keeps doing what is pissing you off find someone else.
    Step 5) Have a beer and enjoy.

    Cheers :)
     
  3. skitcy

    skitcy uhm title! ok

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    Oh I forgot to mention, if you cut back on the phone calls a bit she is less likely to get depressed as well.. I don't know how you do it but I did that whole every day talking shit once and let me tell you, it was practically the boringest relationship in the world.

    And how far apart do you live? If its > 2 hours by car and you're under 25 I would suggest picking the route of finding another woman unless there is a chance you two might beable to be "closer" in the very near future.
     
  4. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    That's better than the opposite.

    Understand, however, that this puts you in the position of power.

    If you really care about her, you have to ask yourself if you're doing anything to make her feel uncomfortable when you're gone. If she's wondering where you are/what you're doing, then she's more likely to be a wreck than if she's secure with everything.
     
  5. Bush77

    Bush77 New Member

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    this is absolutely incredible... i am in the 100% exact same position with my girlfriend.

    I moved 2 hours away for university and she is so dependent. She calls and calls insisting that if our relationship is important to me (which it is) i will drop everything (including school work) to talk every little issue we have out. She wont see me if she knows im seeing my friends after which bothers her. She whines/cries whenever she gets stressed over us. She loses sleep and tells me she just cries at night because of this. She doesnt eat... its ridiculous, i love her its terrible.
     
  6. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I could have sworn I posted this ...

    You may want to sit down with her and find out if she has a problem with depression. The way she acts sounds a lot like someone I know who has depression. She went to a psychiatrist and they put her on some meds and ... wow, a whole new person.

    Now I am a psychology major, and I am all anti-meds, but in some people it can make a huge difference. You should see if you can get her to seek professional help, *especially* if she *ever* mentions suicide. I know this seems extreme, but everything she is doing is a warning sign, and I think you should take it very seriously.
     
  7. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    ahah and i'm in the same position as well. strange.

    3 hour difference here though. i love her but I dont see the distance getting better anytime soon. she things it could be a few years. I need someone closer, but she just keeps telling me that she cant end it just yet, and that she wants to atleast try. gah.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    You need to inform her that you both need to have your own lives...if you just spend all your free time on the phone,you have no life outside the relationship.

    I'd suggest trying to cut calls to certain days/times of the week, and for specific time periods.

    If you answer every time she calls (basically go along with what you said she insists), she's just going to keep doing it.

    I know it's hard to cut back on cantact, but if you think about it, it's actually good for the relationship. You'll have more time to do the things you need to do, and you['ll actually have stuff to talk about when you see each other in person.

    OK, about the parts I bolded. You need to tell her that although the relationship is very important, your life DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND IT. Other thing, such as work and school need to take priority at times, over talking on the phone about stuff that can be discussed later.

    If she can't accept/work with that, then you need to realize that she is not ready for a real relationship, and move on.
     

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