Tonight

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Feb 24, 2007.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I'm going to a party tonight with a girl I hook up with. Neither of us wants commitment, and that's as far as the relationship has been defined.

    However, my ex-gf, who I have always remained friends with but who has not gotten past things in the past, was going fucking ape shit because of jealousy. She has decided that she is also going to the party. Meanwhile I am out of appropriate attire.

    To make matters more humorous, my inner game could not be weaker. The situation is poor, but the real challenge is that my frame of mind is absolute shit. I feel unattractive and EXTREMELY pressured b/c of the whole jealous.ex.gf / me-looking-bad-at-a-party-in-front-of-new-and-over-sensitive-FWB / me.going.to.a.party.at.all.in.this.mental.state, thing.

    According to the gospel of JJJ, emotions will try to fuck you up, so you make them a pebble in your shoe and continue walking. Until you bleed. (thx to mystery for the metaphor)

    DRAMA :rant:

    edit: anyone else with a particularly stressful - or dreary - night, here's the place to vent.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2007
  2. Xtreme2k2

    Xtreme2k2 GTI Crew ಠ_ಠ OT Supporter

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    sounds better than my night with a calculus book :hsughno:
     
  3. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    either much much worse or much much better.
     
  4. fray

    fray New Member

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    my roommates didn't get the propane refilled, so I'm sitting in a freezing house getting ready for the big storm to hit michigan, if that makes you feel better. (sorry... just kinda pissed and venting.)
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :bowdown:

    edited the 1st post
     
  6. fray

    fray New Member

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    hehe...thanks. that's very considerate of you, even though you're having a tough night. :hug:
     
  7. Tiberium

    Tiberium Active Member

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    fuck bitches...


    get money instead...it's much more rewarding
     
  8. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

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    Update?

    While I find it hard to believe that JJJ would be at a loss in a personal situation from his previous posts (I figure any deleterious comments made at his expense would be met with a remark regarding the social dynamics of the situation to shut people up), the whole miffed-ex thing certainly throws a monkey wrench into the situation. And by "the situation" I mean "your crotch".

    Hope things worked out, JJJ, and please post any witticisms you feel free to share.
     
  9. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :rofl: :wtf:

    This reminds me of last weekend - that 28-yr-old coworker I tried to date-close told me it was nice that I was "so confident about it." <-- :rofl: :hs:

    Allow me to destroy w/e reputation has been formed here, b/c it was not my intention. I'm a guy with serious social anxiety. Any success I have is the product of analysis + willpower. Plus luck, because if the anxiety is too great on a particular day or night then it bleeds into my mannerisms too much and I get blown out (but still usually manage to learn something, which is why that's my goal most nights rather than outright success).

    Two years from now, if someone met me, and someone met a super alpha confident guy, that someone would leave with similar conclusions about the two of us: both those guys were self-secure, nice but strong, whatever.

    On the inside, only one of us would in fact be this naturally confident guy. The other would be a guy who was internally torn up - but who had set social machinery running in his head, turning gears that had been created, and placed together, and oiled over the last 24 months - all constructed to come off the same way as his natural counterpart. I would be the latter fellow.

    Which is fine with me. Because drugs aside, I have never found any practical way to change my internal state of fear into a state of confidence. Being buff, getting good grades, making money, reframing my belief system? Nope. Whereas I have in fact found ways to change my external behavior.

    At any rate, if I go in with a bad mental state I may still learn something but the interactions will often or usually fail.
     
  10. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Last night was mediochre in terms of outcome and horrible in terms of learning. I learned almost nothing. Here's why. I arrived at the party. It turned out to be a dance floor, with about 1/2 white people and 1/2 dark people. I danced with my FWB for a bit but also made clear that she should go dance with other people too (because she's not my GF, because she's a professional dancer, because I can't dance). After a little while I sent the girl off to go have some fun (...she was sleeping w me that night anyways), and then I met up with my sister, her friend, and ran into my ex-gf.

    Now as I said in the original post, my internal state was fucking bombing last night. So I managed to convince myself that I couldn't learn anything from going onto the dance floor and making a fool. Instead, I wallflowered with my friends and shot the shit and then left. So I really did learn nothing.

    Fortunately, I had made a HUGE MISTAKE earlier that day. Which is great, because it meant I could still learn something on Friday even if it wasn't at night.

    I had gone to the gym to work out, and ran into my FWB, whom I flirted with masterfully and turned on and stuff. I called her out on being indirect with me before, and that went over well, because everything goes over well if you're frame is strong. Then I got cocky and made a reference to a past interaction with her where "I had social anxiety and ran away." She laughed and her attraction INCREASED in that moment, so I thought I had managed to up the directness / openness / honesty without losing anything.

    WRONG.

    Later that night when I came over, she told me it looked like I didn't really want to go to this party. And she brought up the term social anxiety. Bad enough that I was in a fucked up mental state, but I didn't need someone scrutinizing me for fear ... here's a secret. If you tell someone about a mental problem, it becomes their problem. It's not even about attraction. It's just discomfort. People don't want to hear that you are depressed or bolemic or socially anxious because they'd rather you weren't and they blow it out of proportion and don't know how to deal with the knowledge.

    At the end of the night, after not dancing and coming off loser-y, the FWB asked me twice if I was just going back to my place. At first I said yes, because I was taking it as a hint. The FWB had been getting validated for like two or three hours all night on the dance floor by every guy b/c of her crazy skill, so it made sense that she didn't need any more male company. Then I changed my mind, to see if I could stay over and also to learn whether asking to sleep over would fuck up further chances or not. Of course we hooked up. In the morning she thanked me for staying over so in the end I guess she was glad.
     
  11. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    I dunno about this. You can have problems, everyone has some. The important thing is what you do about it. It's about being able to deal with it, not being overwhelmed, being in control. This way, they don't have to deal with the responsibility of your problem, you already got it handled. As long as you don't talk about a problem so that others give you help, it can be fine I think.
    I noticed that the people I respected the most didn't really talk about their problems to complain, they talk about the solutions they already came up with. This doesn't mean they didn't have any problems.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I think you may misunderstand what I'm saying.

    But I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. Are you suggesting that perhaps my comment came across as a complaint?
     
  13. razi

    razi New Member

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    maybe not a complaint but an excuse? I've got a few issues myself and I try to view them as hurdles to get over, not handicaps. I'm sure you have your own ways of mentally getting over things too.

    There were no fights at the party with the ex.

    you got the girl in the end, and it's obvious she does care about you.

    Hanging out with friends isn't losery, sitting alone is.

    Could it have been handled smoother? Sure. If you went to the party with the FWB, did you tell her you were leaving or did you just head out? It sounds like you might need to review your exit from the socially-uncomfortable situation, since that seemed to be the sticky point (as I see it). Not learning anything might mean you need to scrutinize the details harder, because you've learned what you can already from the broader strokes.
     
  14. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    Nope, I'm talking more generally. I'm saying that talking about a problem is not necessarily a turn-off. If one talks about solutions, it's fine, but complaining and talking about problems because one can't deal with them is something else.
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Viper,

    I'm not trying to change my internal state by changing my external state.

    I'm actually just trying to change my external state.

    Thus far I have gotten one f-close from pick-up.

    However, I will see a professional and ask them if there is anything they can do to make my goals easier to reach.
     
  16. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

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    You've had a couple threads/posts about times you were with people or at a party where you made comments about the process of the interactions going on around that were fun to read and gave me the impression that you were more relaxed than perhaps you are.

    Regarding the alpha male comparison you made, I'm not sure what your definition of the "alpha male" is, but I think that your conclusion, if I'm reading it correctly is sound (i.e. that it doesn't matter if you are nervous on the inside, but more how you present yourself). If you work on acting like that "alpha male", doing what that person would do, what does it matter if you feel hesitation when going to an event where there'll be dancing and you're ex-girlfriend will be in attendance.

    Lasly, :bigthumb: on getting on the dance floor. I stink at dancing and it takes a lot to get me on a dance floor. Much respect.
     
  17. Xtreme2k2

    Xtreme2k2 GTI Crew ಠ_ಠ OT Supporter

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    Doesnt sound like it was that bad of a night

    I'm still with my calculus book :mad:
     
  18. fray

    fray New Member

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    calc sucks... we are running off a 20 lb tank of propane! yay! heat!
     

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