SRS Tonight, I parked my car infront of a railroad track and waited for the train to come

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by smokeater270, Dec 13, 2007.

  1. smokeater270

    smokeater270 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2005
    Messages:
    21,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    my own personal hell
    unfortunately the only reason why i am talking to you now is because a cop pulled over and asked what i was doing there. I probably would have pulled out in front of the train had teh cop not come, but we'll never know now
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Yeah i've been hearing from your previous posts that you haven't been doing too well, i can assure you that suicide is not the way to go, you'll just get reincarnated and have to live the same miserable life you had again, up till the point that you committed suicide, and overcome that point anyway. As a result its a complete waste of time, along with unneccessary pain, when i was depressed and tried to commit suicide, it dawned to me that this wasn't the correct way to deal with your problems, its an easy way out. Also when i came out of my depression, i noticed how terrible i would have hurted my loved ones if i did commit suicide. The thing is i was so consumed by my problems at the time that i didn't even notice that.

    We are here for you man :hug: ,just spit it out whats on your chest, and we'll drag you thru this.
     
  3. lauren

    lauren Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    38,880
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Palo Alto, CA
  4. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    45,981
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    TX
    what's eating you up dude?
     
  5. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    No, you wouldn't have pulled in front of the train. Trains are big and noisy and scary, and unless your instincts are totally broken you would have sat there and enjoyed the adrenaline rush as the train went past, and then you would have gone home. You, like everybody, just needed to be in a situation where you had the opportunity to decide whether to live or die.

    In any event, that was a stupid way to test whether your free will really exists. Don't do it again. If you really can't stand your life, there are plenty of good causes that you can go get yourself killed for, and in the process you might discover that your life has a direction and you might not want to die after all.
     
  6. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2006
    Messages:
    1,216
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Miami Beach, FL
    . What's going on? I've been through times where I want to commit suicide too, it's just so many problems and it all bring enormous amounts of stress. But, it's not worth ending your life and hurting all of the people who love you. Let it out, perhaps we can help somehow?
     
  7. smokeater270

    smokeater270 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2005
    Messages:
    21,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    my own personal hell
    I think you're right. Waking up this morning, I realized how fucking stupid it was of me to even think about doing that, and same with times before. I am a complete adrenaline junkie, and doing crazy / insane stuff is the only way I really feel alive, fuck I run into house fires / cut people out of cars and do it for free because its the most serious adrenaline rush I've ever felt.

    As dumb / gay as this sounds, I woke up to a beautiful day outside and thought, wow...what if I had done that last night, I wouldn't be here to see this. Plus I'm realized now that the multiple problems I have aren't worth killing myself over. They're more like 2 or 3 set backs that I can work out.

    1) career / money issues
    2) women
    3) school

    My life goal is to become a firefighter with FDNY...i would give ANYTHING to get that job and I dont see myself being anything else except for a firefighter.. In january I took the test to get hired with them. The test is given out once every 4-6 years and basically you have 1 shot at it. Out of a score of 115, (its really out of 100, but people get 5 point for stupid stuff added onto their score) i got a 92. That put me on a list of out of about 50-60,000 at 10,316. Which means I am never getting the call to head out and start my training. So now, I have no idea with what my career and money issues are going to be ahead

    Women: doesn't even matter what its about, they are just a stupid thing to kill yourself over

    And school has just become a burden for me now. With everything im doing, my job, all the organizations i'm in, the work load on top of that kills me. I know you're going to say, well get out of the clubs, and i would but I cant/dont want to. One is my fraternity and the other is an 911 EMS organization that i started on campus. It is incredibly time consuming to manage and run it, but I've put 3 years of my life into getting it up and running, and cant quit now.

    That only covers the tip of the iceberg really in how i feel and how the stress is affecting me, but you get the idea.

    Last night was just a stupid idea on my part

    edit: i forgot to mention that I just feel lonely all the time. I literally have hundreds of friends, close ones, far ones...people i can open up to / joke around with/ drink with etc etc, but to me that doesn't do anything for me. I just feel empty and alone no matter how many people i'm with or what we're doing.
     
  8. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2007
    Messages:
    12,589
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    THE Hawkeye Nation
    why dont you volunteer/work as a firefighter somewhere else.

    fires happen everywhere.
     
  9. smokeater270

    smokeater270 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2005
    Messages:
    21,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    my own personal hell
    its all based on where you live if you want to get hired...I live in the NYC area, so i cant really apply anywhere else since it 99.0000% volunteer around here...plus volunteering doesn't pay
     
  10. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2007
    Messages:
    12,589
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    THE Hawkeye Nation

    though, but it would get your foot in the door and you could do it part time / in your spare time and that way you find out if you ever really like it? (i mean you wont know until you try it)
     
  11. smokeater270

    smokeater270 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2005
    Messages:
    21,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    my own personal hell
    i've been a volunteer for 5 years now
     
  12. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Light looks the brightest at the edge of the darkness. So it goes with life too.

    Glad you're feeling better. Glad you're doing something useful too; that helps a lot.

    If you're lonely and you have no reason to be, then either there is a reason and you haven't figured it out yet, or you're clinically depressed. If you're depressed, it might just be that you need a short-term dopamine boost to get you out of the hole you're in, but that's best determined by a psychiatrist. I recommend going to a psychologist first, though, because they'll try to solve the problem without medicine.

    EDIT: I'm going to go out on a (short) limb and make a connection between your mood and your adrenaline habit. You do a lot of stuff that contributes to long-term stress, and releases cortisol into your body. Cortisol is like the long-term version of adrenaline, and it feels like adrenaline, except that instead of instigating the release of dopamine in the brain, it suppresses the release of dopamine. I think you're taking the wrong approach to feeling like you're doing something with your life, except for the volunteer work; if that gives you an adrenaline rush, then it's having the effect you want. The rest of your activities, most likely, are not.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2007
  13. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2007
    Messages:
    12,589
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    THE Hawkeye Nation
    oh; well damn. you could have some of your coworkers help you, recommend you, etc possibly?

    i know jobs are not 100% based on how you score on a test....
     
  14. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    45,981
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    TX
    Can i ask you something? Why do you want to be a firefighter, specifically, a FDNY firefighter?

    And does this have anything to do with the "hero" tag that women would be attracted to? God knows that I've thought about volunteering to be a firefighter here because some magazine said women are attracted to men in that profession.
     
  15. Docter Pepper

    Docter Pepper OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2006
    Messages:
    22,645
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NW
    I have no answer to this problem, but i have the same one. It keeps me up at night knowing I am alone and it depresses me the same way in the morning. I only fall asleep easily if i'm drunk or high. When you do find a way to not feel alone, please let me know. I just can't keep dealing with this shit and it sounds like you can't either :wtc::sadwavey: I hope you find a way to get past this, because internal pain is the hardest to overcome
     

Share This Page