Spring 2002: Wanted to kill myself. Told her she can never treat me like that again. Having broken up with my girlfriend due to long distance, I told my mom she can never hold that kind of anger against me over things that were so trivial when she was the only person at the time that I could talk to about my depression and isolation. She rushed out of work to pick me up from college. I made her promise she'd never do it again. Summer 2003: Moved home to get my life in order. Paying about 200 a month in rent. Fall 2003: Living together again after 4 years. Rocky, but fixed. November 2004: Her 50th birthday. Surprise party for her, planned by me. Most of my nearby relatives meet up at grandma's and we surprise her good. So good she cries and hugs my stepdad, who brought her there. Then she finds out it was me who organized it. She turns to me at the table and says, "And we all sell Jeff so short sometimes." This cripples me internally. I bring it up later and she stands behind it. Rocky. December 2004: She decides to become angry at me over sleeping in one morning. She's never been this angry at me in a long time. I get a job that day from an employer I'm very excited about. I tell her, "mom I got the job." Her response, "Good" in a bitter tone of voice. This is how she handles anger; this and silent treatments and slamming things. I turn to her and say, "Thanks for congratulating me." This will be the last thing I say to her for at least a month. One week later I get let go from my assignment because my manager was 8 months pregnant, a lesbian, and hormonal. Very bad timing. I needed the money. The next weeks are hell. January 2005 Yelling. She's trying to get to me by yelling to my stepdad about me in another room. I put the pillow over my ears as I go to bed early. I can't wait to move out. I have to wait for my 3rd temp assignment to pull thru before I do. This will be an indication that my agency will keep me with reliable, consistent work, thus letting me support myself on my own. February 2005 She's trying to get me to talk to her, but no matter what progress she makes, I wake up every day feeling the same way I did in December. Second assignment is almost complete, then I'll be eligible for a third assignment and can then move. March 2005 Housesitting for a week, so we go out to dinner before they leave. I talk with her a bit. Conversation starts to trainwreck, but we're okay. April 2005 Assignment completed. I start a new one in a week. Making 2 dollars more an hour than the previous. This is good progress and I start apartment hunting. I find an awesome location near the lakes for a quite steep price and take it. I know I very well may go in debt from just the cost of living, but I have to get out of here. We're talking now. But I don't bring up personal things, just necessary things. I start making preparations to move and saying that I may need to borrow some money to make the initial deposit. It's funny, I never really unpacked anything. Most of what I had at my previous apartment is still in boxes. I never felt comfortable here. I didn't want to stay for too long, but my career never went anywhere and two years came and went. Sunday, April 24, 2005 I move in a week. Grabbing boxes from downstairs that I never unpacked. After feeling a swell of loneliness and isolation on Friday and Saturday just from simply commuting to my new job from Bumfuck MN (where they live) and not having a decent relationship in awhile, I'm moody and unresponsive for two days. I'm getting antsy. I tell her I'll need $300 to make deposit and then some. She tells me she was gonna wait but gives me this envelope. It's thick. I open it and find 20 hundred dollar bills and this note: "This is some of the rent you have paid to help you get started. You can do whatever you want. Sometimes it's nice to have something to show for it. Or you can start a savings plan at TCF. Love, Mom." I turn to her and say this is too much. She tells me that she wonders if I can't take it because I could very well stop hating her now and maybe I don't want to. I tell her I'll start taking 10% out of each paycheck and invest again, and that I have to go now to a meeting at this church where my cousin is getting confirmed and say thank you. She says you're welcome. That's the last thing I said to her today. I can never forgive her for how she has treated me in the past. These last months have been hell, over the most trivial shit. But I made it clear that I will not forgive and forget anymore. She's like a little baby sometimes, holding it all in. I wanted to teach her a lesson that she can't do this to loved one. It's all over now. We've moved on, in some ways. But these last months have changed me. I'm very quiet and guarded with her now. I'm sure she regrets acting the way she did in December. I don't care though. I don't really care about anything between us, actually. I don't know how to take that either... She made me happy today though.