SRS To tell or not to tell? (miscarriage)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BadKat, May 26, 2008.

?

Tell or not to tell? Please post the reason for you answer!

  1. I'm a guy - No, I wouldn't want to know

    2 vote(s)
    4.4%
  2. I'm a girl - No, I wouldn't tell

    1 vote(s)
    2.2%
  3. I'm a guy - Yes, I would want to know

    31 vote(s)
    68.9%
  4. I'm a girl - Yes, I'd tell

    11 vote(s)
    24.4%
  1. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    I'm asking this question, not because I didn't already make my own decision, but because I'm feeling very reflective today. And I've had conflicting advice from 4 people, 2 say no, 2 say yes.

    My relationship with my current guy is more than a little messed up, even I admit it. There's numerous people telling me that I should just ends things, which I understand their reasonings (and explains their answer to the question) but at the same time, I'm not ready to just throw in the towel and neither is he.

    Yesterday, while he was over, while we were having sex, I started bleeding - a LOT. There was deffinitely something wrong, but since I had no clue what it was, I told him I'd be fine, I'd call the Dr's office and sent him to work. Less than an hour later, I miscarried, not even knowing I was pregnant. I had felt rather nauseated a few weeks ago, but other than that, NOTHING. I even got what I thought was my period on Wednesday, and even though it was light, I didn't think anything of it. Apparently, I should have.

    Anyway, this is the gross part, I kept the sack, because I didn't know if the Dr's office would want it to do a pathology report or not (they do and they are doing one, today). After it passed, I got extremely ill, shaking, weak, fatigued, cramping, etc. I followed Dr's advice and just rested. I called a couple of friends because I needed someone to talk to about this. When I asked if I should tell my guy, 2 guys said no. 2 Gals said yes.

    When my guy got off work, he called me immediately because he was concerned. When I told him I didn't want to talk about it over the phone, he came right over without any hesitation. When he got here, he could tell I was in a lot of pain and he wanted to know what the Dr said. When I hesitated, he started making guesses and finally I told him what happened. He was very genuinely concerned and upset. Not upset with me, but upset that he wasn't here when it happened.

    When I asked him if I made a mistake telling him, he said no. I dont' think I did either, but it got me wondering and I can't stop.

    Guys - if your SO had a miscarriage for a pregnancy she didn't even know she was carrying, would you want to know?

    Gals - if you had a miscarriage with a pregnancy you didn't realize you were pregnant with, would you keep it to yourself?

    I never realized how both physically and emotionally draining something like this is on a person. I honestly hope I never have to go through this again.

    Oh, and we were using condoms, but nothing else, which is probably how I got pregnant in the first place. I'm scheduled for an IUD placement next week, but that may have to be postponed, I still have to ask about that. AND I have to have an Ultrasound performed to ensure that there's nothing left from the baby.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I can understand why the guys said no, in really bad relationships if they feel you have a non-caring partner who doesn't give a damn what happens to his girl or on wether she would get pregnant or not it wouldn't make an effin difference to tell the uncaring person.

    But you know for you your relationship might be rocky , but you've got a guy who at least has got a heart in his chest. That's something you can feel happy about and that's why it was a good thing to tell. And he also said he wanted to know, so that's a good sign.
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    Yes, absolutely!!! After all, it's my baby also and I would not only be concerned for my sig others health I would also be concerned about her emotional state.

    Your SO and you have a difficult relationship but so what, he's still human and still would have been the father. He deserves to know the truth.

    Keeping something this significant to yourself will absolutely cause the end of the relationship because no matter what, you can't simply forget about it.

    I have no idea who these guys are that you call friends but they seem to be complete idiots that haven't learned anything through dealing with real people but instead have learned everything from movies and TV. They are fucking idiots IMO.....I'm sorry if they are your friends but they don't know shit.
    Me too and I'm really sorry that you miscarried.

    I would think that the potential for guilt for both of you would be VERY high. What I mean is that having sex killed your unborn baby. I don't think that's true because many people have sex while pregnant. I would suggest that you may want to seek some counseling to help deal with the emotional issues of miscarrying a baby.
    I hope you're ok. Take care of yourself. :hug:
     
  4. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    110,609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    yes i would have told as well
    it's only right that my partner knows what happens.

    sorry about what happened and i hope you feel better
     
  5. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    I agree, which is why I told him. He's actually on his way over to make sure that I take it easy today, which isn't easy with 2 dogs and a 3 year old.

    Funny, that's what he said too. He was all "OMG, I did this! It's my fault, I shouldn't have been so rough with you" yadda yadda yadda, but it's not true, this probably would have happened anyway. I haven't been taking care of myself. I've been drinking several times a week (not to the point of getting drunk, just a glass of wine or a beer in the evenings, I only got drunk three times in the last 2 months, granted, twice has been just this weekend), smoking, not eating right, stressed out. I'm too unhealthy currently to carry a baby anyway, so it's a blessing in many ways.

    But it still hurts. Weird, my soon-to-be Ex-Husband and I tried for a year to give our daughter a sibling and couldn't get pregnant. Within the first two months of sleeping with my new SO, while using protection (I know, not 100% effective), I managed to get pregnant. Makes you wonder.

    I'm going to go rest now, just got back from the Hospital, having the blood drawn and giving the "sample" over. I teared up when I had to do that, which isn't really like me. I'm pretty tough.
     
  6. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2006
    Messages:
    46,930
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    First of all, :hug:

    Secondly, you need to tell him. Honestly, I know your relationship with him is far from serious (you call him your "boy toy," right?) and normally for that reason I would've said just skip telling him...but he knows you went to the doctor or more knows that you weren't feeling well and asked you what was up. Just tell him what happened and that's that.

    It's not as if you two were expecting or trying to have a baby so I doubt he'll be crushed, but I dont think he deserves to be lied to either.
     
  8. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2005
    Messages:
    13,722
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    at your mom's house. be back later.
    :hug: I'm so sorry. I hope you're feeling better soon :hs:
     
  9. borazhasleftthebuilding

    borazhasleftthebuilding Lets Party OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2005
    Messages:
    98,418
    Likes Received:
    247
    Location:
    in da forest
    id want to know, just to be able to give comfort

    and by letting him fuck you, you give him the 'right' to know, and if knowing is gonna fuck the two of you up, so be it
     
  10. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    Very good point.

    Actually, he's ben VERY comforting, very compassionate and understanding. He asked me if I was going to take it easy today and when I said I'd try, he insisted on coming over and taking care of me. He actually just left and only left because he needed to focus and finish writing a paper for his Finance Class.

    He's been great since I told him last night. Very affectionate (some guys would be more standoffish, I've seen it happen), very calming. He took care of a bunch of things that I couldn't do or couldn't move fast enough for.

    He even brought me flowers, he has NEVER brought me flowers. Coffee, yes, food, yes, a bottle of wine, sure, but he's never brought me flowers. He brought 2 dozen pink roses (different shades) because he knows how much I like pink and because he couldn't find Lillies, he went with Roses. Strangely, I think it's brought us closer. We've talked a lot about our relationship and what we want.

    At the same time, I feel so drained over this. And I have to work tomorrow :hs:
     
  11. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2006
    Messages:
    1,650
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Charleston, SC
    I would tell my husband if it happened to me. He would be concerned about me after the incident. Neither of us wants kids, so I dont think it would affect us much in that aspect.

    Something would just feel wrong to me though if I kept something like that from him. Especially since we are married now and we should be honest with one another about serious / important things.
     
  12. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    Yes, but this isn't the person I'm married to (technically still married, it's complicated). In fact, this guy and I were supposed to be keeping things light and casual, and it hasn't been that way in a while. It's deffinitely more serious then when it started, and what happened yesterday and today has made us both realize how much we mean to each other.

    If it was my soon-to-be-Ex-Husband's and we were still together, absolutely I'd tell him, there's no question about that.
     
  13. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2006
    Messages:
    1,650
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Charleston, SC
    I was going to include that your relationship with the bf isnt as serious as a marriage, but I didnt want it to come out/sound wrong :)

    It seems like something good came out of you telling the bf anyway - now you guys realize even more how much you mean to one another.
     
  14. RedZ71

    RedZ71 Large Marge sent me.

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2003
    Messages:
    2,028
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas, TX
    i think you did the right thing. that was definitely the mature decision.
     
  15. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    I can guarantee you that having sex didn't kill the baby, it was just a coincidence
     
  16. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    I agree. He's been terrific through this whole thing, calling to check up on me, emailing me constantly. He wanted me to leave work early today and was a little upset when I told him I wouldn't, but he understood my reasons as to why I didn't want to go, no matter how much pain I was in.

    We spent all day yesterday, which was really nice. We talked about everything and anything, our relationship and what we want out of this, what we're looking for, what we each need that we weren't getting out of our last relationships.

    I know it wasn't the sex. I'm pretty sure drinking, smoking, extreme stress and not eating right were the higher contributing factors then rough sex. That and my Doc is pretty sure the baby had been lost a 1-2 weeks ago, just took time for my body to "abort" it, which is probably why she didn't detect it during my annual exam.

    All day today, all I've wanted to do was come home, curl up in bed and cry. This is completely awful and I hope I never have to go through this again.
     
  17. io

    io New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2008
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    can I hear more about what the physical aspect of miscarrying was like ? did your 'period' run its full course ? how big could the sack really be at that stage of pregnancy ?
     
  18. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    It's honestly very disgusting, but I don't mind sharing.

    I got my "period" on Wednesday afternoon, last week. Seemed to be going normal, fairly light for the first day or two. We had sex repeatedly Friday Night, and Saturday I had heavier bleeding, but not excessive. Again, a relatively normal period for me. The one thing I noticed that was different was the amount of bright red blood. My period is usually a darker red, but this was very bright. I didn't think much of it.

    Sunday, I had no bleeding. At all. It's like everything just stopped. I've had times like that before, so I didn't think much of it. When BF came over before work (I live close to where he works), we decided to have sex, only we were MUCH rougher than we normally are. About halfway through, he noticed I was bleeding. I didn't think too much of it, as I wasn't cramping and figured it wouldn't be too bad. But then there was this huge gush (told you, it's gross!) and we both looked at each other and was like "That's not right". So we hopped into the shower, where the extremely bright red blood proceeded to drip down my leg. It fast, profuse and scary. Then I started doubling over in pain, which freaked him out. I was cramping very hard, which according to my girl friend who's had 4 miscarriages in 3 years, is normal.

    He had to be at work by a certain time, so I told him to go (we argued about it for a good 10 minutes before he agreed only if I would call the Dr's office). I waited to call the Dr's office because I wasn't quite sure of what to make of all this.

    Then when I went to the bathroom (I had to pee), I noticed something hanging half-in and half out. So, out of curiousity, I used toilet paper and very gently pried it out. What I found was a sack, about 3/4's the length of my pinky, down to my second pinky-knuckle wide and it had a depth of my fingernail. The bleeding slowed down dramatically once the sack had left the uterus. At this point, I called the Dr's office. They called me back almost immediately and told me what to do with the "baby" because he wanted to do a Pathology Report (I'm 26 and have had a pregnancy that ended in a premature birth), told me what I needed to do for myself and what they were going to do the next day. If I continued to bleed like I had been, then I was to report to the ER. But the bleeding practically stopped.

    My body went basically into shock. My legs were weak, my entire body was shaking. Luckily, I never got hot or cold flashes (which would have resulted in an immediate visit to the ER). I could barely move and every time I tried to be "normal" or move normally, I would double over with abdominal pain. Whe BF got off owrk, he immediately called. He was originally supposed to go home and then go out with some friends, but when I told him I didn't want to discuss it over the phone, he came right over.

    I'm still bleeding (lightly, nothing abnormal for what I've just gone through) and I'm still having abdominal pain. I go in Thursday to get checked out again (they didn't check me because at that point, there's nothing they can do, they can't prevent a miscarriage or spontaneous abortions until after week 22 of pregnancy).

    Physically, it's like going through labor when the embryo passes. You have cramping (actually, you're contracting), bleeding, fatigue, everything that goes with giving birth. It's physically and emotionally draining.

    The Doc thinks that I actually conceived 6 weeks ago, but somewhere along the way, the embryo failed to properly attach and/or grow. The embryo was never released by my body for reasons yet unknown, until a few weeks after the embryo failed to thrive. I could have been carrying it around for up to 3 weeks already, never knowing, which is very VERY dangerous. I'm probably going to have to undergo some testing and be VERY careful with future pregnancies.

    Oh, and if you're really curious, I have pictures of it. I sent a couple to my friend because I was in such shock. She agreed it was very similar to the pregnancies she'd lost. She's lost 2 after 8 weeks. She said it looked to her like I could have been as far as 6-8 weeks along, but again, we're still waiting for the pathology reports to come back. My Hcg levels were low, but within early pregnancy ranges, which is why they think I lost the baby a while back, long enough for my levels to drop below where we could tell by the levels how far along I was.
     
  19. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,615
    Likes Received:
    179
    Location:
    Dingoland
    My husband and I miscarried just before our last baby and I didn't know I was even pregnant. It wasn't a big deal for us, we are both pretty matter of fact people.

    I wouldn't hide the fact I had miscarried from my husband. If I wasn't with a serious guy there is no way I would keep it from him either. It is his child as well and to remove that from him is selfish.
     
  20. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    :hug:
    I'm so sorry for your loss. Your description made me really sad. I hope you're doing well.
     
  21. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    Thank you, I really do appreciate that. I'm hanging in there.

    I think one of the hardest parts has been trying to hide everything from my coworkers. I have a few people here at work that I consider to be friends, I see them outside of work, and they are all very concerned because they know something isn't right, but it's such a personal matter that I haven't told many friends (don't ask why I'd share with OT, I don't get it either). I think there's a total of 4 people who know other than BF and I.

    I think that while I'm already healing physically, the emotional toll this is going to take on me is going to be the hardest part. I feel like my body betrayed me in some way (which BF insists is bullshit, and normally I would agree with him). You hear other women talk about how having a miscarriage makes them feel like less of a woman, and you go "Oh, that's such pity-me bs", but truth of the matter is, that is EXACTLY how you feel. I feel soo empty right now, even though I didn't know at the time. A baby is the last thing I need in my life right now, and yet, to have lost one hurts more than I thought imaginable. And its not even like I had any time to bond with the baby (I started bonding with my daughter practically from the moment I found out I was pregnant).
     
  22. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    :hug:

    ive never experienced anything like this, but it sounds very sad. for what its worth, i think you did the absolute right thing by telling the guy. and he obviouisly cares about you a lot based on his reaction. im glad he is there for you right now because you need that extra support.
     
  23. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    Fuck em....tell them, don't tell them. It's totally your choice and if anyone thinks less of you for wanting to keep something so personal, personal...they aren't your friends and you don't need them anyways.
    I can only imagine how difficult this would be for me. If I were in this position, I would start going back to therapy immediately because it would no doubt bring up all sorts of issues with me.
    You know, I honestly believe there are mysteries about life and love and the universe that we'll never fully understand. IMO some of these mysteries work to make things happen that at first appear really, really bad but upon deeper reflection turn out to be really, really good.

    It just might be possible that your body didn't betray you at all but actually acted to protect you when your will wasn't sufficient. I don't know if this is right or wrong, only you can know that for sure.
    I know you don't know me and have no reason to value what I say but I'm going to say it anyways......I don't think you are any less of a woman because of this. I really don't.
    I would think this is quite normal....even if that doesn't help ease the pain of your loss. Be good to yourself, you deserve it. You're going through a rough time so it's OK if things get a little weird....just try to take it easy and be kind to yourself. :hug:
     
  24. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    Thank you everyone, you've all been very supportive and helpful.

    I had a follow-up appointment yesterday and the Doc is a little concerned because I'm still extremely sensitive and in pain in my abdomin. I'm having an ultrasound on Monday to determine if I need a D&C (basically, a scraping). This will mean more recoup time, which I'm not looking forward too. :x: I'm hoping everything goes fine on Monday. It's also the same day that my daughter is having an outpatient operation, so it's going to be a busy, stressful day.

    In the meantime, people at work have finally stopped asking me (they realize I'm not going to say anything to them) and the SO and I are doing well. Quiet evenings, lots of talking, just doing well in general. Basically, I'm hanging in there.
     

Share This Page