SRS To all of you searching for that perfect person. **REVISITED**

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by beanolo, May 23, 2005.

  1. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Hey there fellow asylummers. Don't know if thats a word or not but im gonna stick with it.

    I came across an observation of mine as far as relationships go, and would like to share it, as I'm thinkin some might benefit from it, some might not. But whatever, I didnt force ya to read this :)

    So. To all of you searching for the perfect person, give up. Because there is no such thing as the perfect person. OMG! :noes:

    Just to ask of someone or think of someone as a perfect person is already a selfish trait, as this sets a high standard for that person to meet or possibly exceed for your expectations. So when that person falls below that expectation, or not meet what you would like, you think theres something wrong with your relationship, and this is where fights ensue. However this is not the case.

    Alot of times, in the beginnings of relationships.. the first to third years (yes thats only the beginning) of a relationship, you always *think* you found your soulmate, the one, the perfect person. However what you don't realize, is that both sides, are fronting or trying hard to BE that perfect person for the other out of being "in-love". What happens next, is over time, you both grow out of the whole pretending thing, and become your normal self. The mask comes off, you stop doing all the courtship type things, and you feel as if you have grown apart. SURPRISE! You haven't grown apart, you've become real, who you really are. And sometimes your real self will bond perfectly with the other real person, and sometimes you won't. Does that make sense?

    You always hear the phrase "i wish we could go back to how it was in the beginning"... I see it here all the time in the asylum/vaginatarium. Haha! Go back to the beginning? To when both of you weren't yourselves? Come on now, thats impossible, because now you both see who each other really are, so you either learn to love it, or you don't. Neither side is wrong, it just happens. It's normal. The longer you stretch on hiding your real self, the more your lying to yourself and the person you love. You should have the person you love, love you for who you really are, not who you claim to be. Thats the only time a relationship will flourish. Relationships should be out of wants from both ends, not needs. When one side or the other gets too needy, too clingy, too attached, it makes the other side feel trapped, suffocated...

    I've heard before, that a healthy relationship should be two independant lives, being together. You are responsible for making yourself happy, don't put that job on your SO's back. That pretty much sums it up.

    So the next time you think its the end of the world when you have relationship problems, take a step back, and look at the situation with a different perspective, that maybe, JUST MAYBE, the perfect person you always have dreamed about is standing right in front of your face, and you don't even know it. ;)
     
  2. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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  3. Original

    Original OT Supporter

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    Just to add, the world would be a boring place if every person found their perfect match. Dedicating yourself to one person and agreeing to stick with each other through thick and thin is the basis of love as it is. Flaws are what make relationships realistic, just as long as the relationship isn't painful :hsugh:
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I don't agree, you know i think high standards are actually a good thing. It makes the girls look at their best. The downside is that there are a lot of victims. Nowadays if you aren't pretty ,smart or good looking you are pretty much outcasted by society. Its this pressure that kills so many people.
     
  5. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    I have no idea what your point is, much less what you disagree with. So if im reading it right, high standards makes a girl look their best? :hsugh: What does having high standards/expectations have to do with how they look? I don't see the distinction there.

    :wtf: are you talking about? :)

    I think its people who try so hard to "fit in" with society by not being their true selves are the ones who have problems, not the ugly ppl. It's who you are on the inside that matters, and if you have to pretend to be something your not to fit in, than its definitely time to reevaluate yourself. ;)
     
  6. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I agree 100% with everything you said. If you care about someone, yeah, you'll try to be that perfect person for them. It doesn't have to be a complete change in personality, just enough to stray from who you really are. In a way you try to convince yourself that this is the real you when it isn't. With my ex, I realize now that in the beginning I tried very hard to fit a certain mold, like I pretended to understand everything she said to make it seem like I understood her well when in reality I had no idea what she was talking about. My choices in school and my career was also influenced by her. I couldn't do a normal job, I had to do something a "smart" person would do, which led me to a job I now hate. And I know she changed things to please me too, such as acting cute and girly. It was always a shock and disappointment to me when she was her real self...I would be thinking "who the hell is this person?"

    So now what I look for are personality traits that are more concrete.
     
  7. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :werd: i concur... :)
     
  8. andymodem

    andymodem Ambitious, but rubbish.

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    I'm finding that I'm guilty of that myself sometimes too. I think people say that because after you've been in a relationship a while, you still want that attention that you used to get in the beginning that tends to go away after you've been together a while. :dunno:
     
  9. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Everyone's guilty of that. Even myself included. It's just that I reached a point in my relationship where I'm currently taking a step back to reevaluate and noticed that I was going at it all wrong. The sooner you realize this, the sooner things will be O so much smoother.

    You know another reason why it feels like you lose the attention... because things get boring after awhile... you have to do things to keep it exciting.. be spontaneous, surprise your SO, something that she would think you would never do, do it! You'll be amazed at the results. Pack a picnic, go to the beach, whatever... but if you let things get repetitive, thats when ppl lose interest, and thats when ppl drift apart looking for something else thats more fun.
     
  10. downhomecookin

    downhomecookin New Member

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    oh beanolo thou art mighty wise!
     
  11. KSNIPPY

    KSNIPPY As lost as i get i will find you

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    beanolo speaks the truth, im going through the same thing now also.
     
  12. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Stop looking for the "perfect" person. Start looking for a "great" connection. Then build on it.
     
  13. Rapunzel41

    Rapunzel41 New Member

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    amen... somebody got it right.

    The saddest part of this post (I think) is that you don't figure that out until after the divorce is final ... until you have stepped away and see what you had... When you've had time to compare, you realize all in all.... you could have done worse!

    In my own case... I made the right choice! The REAL him wasn't good for the REAL me! I have resolved the issue.
     
  14. {WBK}Blood_Lust

    {WBK}Blood_Lust New Member

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    Perfect person:

    Jessica simpson's face and body

    Mute

    Loves giving oral

    Enjoys cooking and cleaning

    Likes fat guys who drink too much.


    :rofl: Think I'll meet her?
     
  15. KarmaPolice

    KarmaPolice Active Member

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    perfection lies in the imprefections
     
  16. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Sometimes you have to take one step back to take two steps forward? :big grin:

    I'm glad most of you feel me on this one :hug:
     
  17. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

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    I don't understand your statement about the first few years being spent fronting. People are never going to be one hundred percent real, even when they are ready to be more open and honest before another person. You will always be conforming to an expectation or a standard that has been set, that you are used to. This can change of course. Maturity is knowing how to adjust and make that change work for you, without tripping over it.

    After saying there is no such thing as a perfect person, you say this? I really dislike hearing the last statement said. The perfect person could be standing infront of your nose. Access and availability of that person are different stories
     
  18. Girder_Shade

    Girder_Shade OT Supporter

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    Not true!

    I have met the perfect female for me. And by perfect I mean perfect, like the one and only girl that would make me happy in every aspect.
    Only problem is, we are just friends cause she's already got a boyfriend. :(
     
  19. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    You'll understand when you get into a longterm relationship what I mean. Some things you only can comprehend after you experience it yourself, everything else is just textbook.

    And about your last statement, I think you completely didn't understand the post, its about outlooks. And judging by most of your posts everywhere I see em, you have a pretty bad outlook at relationships and what love truly is to understand. :)
     
  20. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    Amen. Yet it's also human nature for people to "keep score" of all of the slights, and "wrongs" that one does to another in a relationship.

    It is very rare for a couple to be able to reach a point where they can be completely honest with each other, even about the stuff that hurts a lot, and understand that they aren't doing it with the intent to harm each other. And when something does hurt another, it's equally important for the injured one to feel comfortable being able to state that it did hurt, and for the offending person to accept that it did, and not take offense at that!

    My wife and I have had a very troubling past couple of years. We have survived a tremendous storm, and things are getting back to a wonderful relationship (our 10th anniversary is coming up in August).

    She is one of the kindest, and most caring of women that I have ever met - but we both had issues of not communicating our needs properly to each other, and that "Score Keeping" that I referred to, combined with some other issues nearly led to us splitting up as recently as this past November.

    Add in, the trials of dealing with past relationships that resurfaced, some inappropriately strong friendships, etc, etc, and it was a near catastrophe that we still are struggling through at times.

    Yes, I crave sometimes, that "when it was new/fresh" love - but we have a more mature love and understanding of each other now - and there are moments when we have that spontaneous, and "fresh/new" feeling as well.

    But the 24/7 feelings where one is nearly obsessed with thinking about the other like one may have in the very beginning - well it's wonderous, but it quite simply can't be maintained - the deeper foundations of safe/secure and all accepting love are what make me rest easier at night (relative term, I'm a chronic insomniac, and am lucky when I get 6 hours of sleep in a given night)

    it also makes it that much more wonderful, when a spontaneous message is left on the voicemail, or a note is left on the desk, or a trail of clothes leads suggestively up the stairs to the bedroom... if that typeof behaviour were to go on day, after day, after day, it loses it's meaning, and one loses the appreciation of it. human nature.
     
  21. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    then you need to redefine perfect. also, until one is in a relationship with someone, one never truly knows what private/personal baggage they will bring to the relationship, or how much of a rotten person someone can be once they feel like they are in a secure enough relationship to let it all hang out...
     
  22. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Someone please quote me and tell me how great I am.
     
  23. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    Nik. it takes two people comitted to making it work.

    I'm blessed in so many ways, but one of them is that Deb is equally comitted (if not more so) than I at making it work. Neither of us were always sure of it, and yes, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I for my part still wonder from time to time.

    Point is that many of your needs, ones that you had communicated to Tom were being unmet..
     
  24. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    peyomp - many people have oft quoted you, thanked you for your insight, and comments.

    as for how one measures how great a person is, I found this quote a while ago...

     
  25. andymodem

    andymodem Ambitious, but rubbish.

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    Wow, great post.
     

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