SRS Thoughts of being a failure and early death

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Mars Princess, Apr 22, 2005.

  1. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2001
    Messages:
    73,479
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Houston, Texas
    These past five years have been tough on me. I wonder when I will ever see the light of day in terms of being happy and actually have something to look forward to everyday. When I make gains, I am only setback. Sometimes I think I will suffer from my earlier days of self-righteousness, "sins," and arrogance. I have done my best to change and I work to improve everyday.

    All that I hoped and wished for aren't happening for me. What i want is not attained or attained for very long. It is as if what should be happening for me is happening in the reverse direction. I have this feeling i am going to die early and something bad will happen to me. Has anyone else had these sort of prophetic inclinations? I am trying not to turn these thoughts into a self-fulling prophecy, but I have the feeling that I will not be around for very long. I had a dream where I visited a doctor and he told me that I only had seven green cells left. Many of my dreams involve fighting against something. I usually escape from whatever is against me in my dreams, but I don't know if my mind is prepping me for whatever is to come that I will not be able to escape from or what. I am a firm believer in dreams drawing attention to things that the conscious mind cannot process or does not wish to acknowledge. I also believe you can find many truths and revelations in dreams.

    With that said, It seems like i can never be happy for very long without something fucking me up. I don't mean a regualr "bad day." Freak incidents occur to me and around me all the time and people I invest a lot of my time and heart in are eventually taken from me, they move away, or we are seperated. I feel like I'm being punished and I will die unhappy because it is my fate. :wtc:
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2005
  2. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    sounds like my past life...

    you'd be amazed how much of that is brought about/noticed by a negative outlook on life... its a self-reinforcing outlook too, cuz you see all the bad things and it just confirms your belief that the world sucks...

    my suggestion... start pouring your energy into people who genuinely need it (aka volunteer).. not ALL your energy, you do need to save some for yourself... make sure you get enough sleep, eat properly, excercise.... that and the volunteering will help straighten your mind/heart out
     
  3. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2001
    Messages:
    73,479
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Houston, Texas
    I think having an outside hobby or activity would be good, but I don't know if I have the means or the time to volunteer at this point and time. A 25% charge on an outstanding balance to a school loan is about to be applied to the loan, making it impossible for me to graduate within the amount of time I desired. I can't set aside time to volunteer for free. Plus, I end up being in denial of the problems i do have because I become too involved with other people. That has been apart of the problem. I've been walked over because i care about other people more than myself. i am trying to train myself out of those habits.

    It is things like the loan problems that makes me think that no matter what I do, something will come along to put me in a corner. The reason i have an outstanding balance is from a typographical error from a clerk that the university has since charged me for. Every year the university loses my paperwork or fails to tell me about a form that is not implicity stated as required paperwork, so I file late and have outstanding balances that I have had to take out more loans for.

    I think with some hard work and the taking on of jobs, this MIGHT be resolved but I have this overwhelming sense that no matter what I do, I will fail. I have been attempting to have a positive attitude, but it is not changing anything around me even when I put forth the effort to move things forward
    There is this consistent pattern of failure and denial of happiness that has grown consistently stronger :(
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2005
  4. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    whenever I hear something like this, having been there before myself, I usually think that you still hold some portion of the blame. I know I've had problems like that before which really screwed me over, but, in all honesty, I shared 50%, if not all of the blame for it.

    Take for example my student loans... I put off actually sending in the form until a few weeks before the cutoff date... then it turned out there were some extra issues that needed resolving, and by the time they got resolved, my funding was 2 months late

    but i'd been sitting on those forms for months, just not getting around to sending em in, because i 'still had time'

    not saying your situation is identical to that, but, you'd be hard pressed to convince me that you're entirely blameless in this.

    1st step: accept responsibility for your own problems
     
  5. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2001
    Messages:
    73,479
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Houston, Texas
    I'm not entirely blameless in every situation I have been in with the financial aid department, but some things have been out of my control. When I have strived to do what was right and what I considered to be timely, the processing of my money has always been caught on a snag because of this and because of that. I have learned valuable lessons up till this point about filing, copying, and triple douple checking. However, I wish it didn't have to be so costly. It makes getting an education almost not worth it. I am in school to be done with this. the only reasons I have not dropped out is because I don't want to waste my parent's money and because I want to accomplish this as proof that this university will not beat me down.

    I want to graduate so I can make more money and never have to worry about it again. Not having Money has been plaguing me for a year now. I am well aware that I need to get up off my ass to do more for myself. I am working on this. I will continue to work on it, but I wish it were as easy as "taking responsibility for one's actions." Things don't come as you want them to and sometimes don't c ome at all, even when they do. I seem to be on the receiving end of the bad when there is a lot of good, setting me back.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2005
  6. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    you'd be surprised how much taking responsibility will do for you...

    and if it was the university's fault for things, then you should talk to your dean about fixing the surcharges, since they were applied to you for something the university was at fault for...

    taking responsibility = step 1
    step 2 = fighting/standing for yourself
     
  7. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2002
    Messages:
    1,941
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Iron City
    In regards to your dreams, are you avoiding anything in life? Still, don't read too much into your dreams, as superstition is meaningless.
     
  8. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2001
    Messages:
    73,479
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Houston, Texas
    I went and called several different people (one of them being the Vice President for Student Affairs) about these charges and was told that there was nothing I could to appeal the charges. I considered legal action because they refused to contact the clerk that made the typographical error that no longer worked at the university, but I didn't have the money to hire counsel. I took action and got nothing for my efforts

    But taking responsibility is what I plan to do. It just continues to suck while i'm doing it. Hopefully I can look back on this and pat myself on the back :hs:
     
  9. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    maybe take legal action without a lawyer? it sounds like a small claims matter to me (< $3K?)

    and perhaps go talk to one of your student counsellors about your problems and bring up the financial matter
     

Share This Page