SRS Thought I had moved on. v.:hs:

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by ExDelayed, Jan 1, 2007.

  1. ExDelayed

    ExDelayed New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2002
    Messages:
    3,689
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ogden, UT
    Background first. I have never been one big into dating. I dont like dealing with the drama and all the assorted shit that usually comes with it. Granted there are a lot of plusses to being in a relationship, but I have (thought) always been happy being single. The internet and FWBs are around when I need to get laid.

    Since I dont feel like retyping all I did from the other day, I will cut and paste:
    There was one more reply, by me, but I am trying to keep it in the closet in case he is on here. Im trying not to make it too obvious to the fact that apparently I have had a very serious mindfuck. I dont want to be one of those exs that calls after forever 'for closure'.

    I knew I had problems after the breakup but I thought I had gotten over them. It took me awhile with some of the things that were said. After I realised that I was actually the stable one, working my ass off to try to keep myself from losing everything at such a young age (I found credit and used it, a lot). I was the one with two jobs, I was the one giving up the time with my family and friends trying to save what I had. There was a long time that I couldnt get the thought of him out of my mind.

    Well, six years have passed, I feel like a loser now since I have just realised that those thoughts are still bothering me. I do have Paxil (10mg, been doubling them just to keep my mind clear) for holiday depression that I have been taking trying to make it through the last ten days of work so I can go home.

    How do I move on? If I still have those feeling buried deep inside me, it would explain why I havent had a long meaningful relationship since we broke up. I have a feeling I am subconsiously holding everyone new I meet up to the unreal standards I have of my ex that even he probably wouldnt be able to live up to. I think I have been destroying the relationships without even knowing I was doing it. I did see a shrink for awhile after the breakup but that was a waste of time. He was more concerned with getting to the root of my sexuality then what was actually bothering me.

    How do I get rid of these for good? I need to be able to move on. :hs:
     
  2. ExDelayed

    ExDelayed New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2002
    Messages:
    3,689
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ogden, UT
    Please dont reply about how I shouldnt double the Paxil. I have been on 20mg before. Im currently taking 10mg before bed and 10 mg when I wake.

    Last night, for some illogical reason, I cried myself to sleep. :(
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    You shouldn't make your heart a murder hole, because if you pile up your closet with skeletons, one day they'll just break thru and fall out of it. Therefore its important that you keep your closet clean and clear the problem what is causing it. I personaly think your shrink wrongfully adressed sexual issues while those are non existant and the problems are on an emotional level instead.

    You know every human wants their lives worked out, especially when it comes to relationships we do all the possible things to make our loved ones stay with us. When it doesn't work out, we rewind that record in our mind over and over again to see what went wrong. Its like a washing machine, we try to clean our thoughts of that what is bothering us, and if that dirty shirt that happens to be our favorite doesn't come clean, we tend to keep on washing it, even tho the stain stays forever. Realistically we have to throw it away, its important that you in your mind are able to draw a line to accept that the relationship didn't work out and throw it away. Yes you will always keep on loving that shirt(bf) but the unremovable stain on it means you have to throw it away(move on with your life).

    You know, its perfectly normal that you will keep on loving your bf. But if you see that you are at a dead end road, then you have to turn your car around and head back with your life to the highway. Love has to go both ways. But i don't think that that was the issue. You see you have to understand that couples need TIME to invest into eachothers lives and into the relationship. If you don't have time for a relationship, then its not a good idea to participate in one. And personally i think that with 60 hours work in the week, i don't think that you have the ability to be in a meaningfull relationship, and even if you did it would be a very stressfull enterpreneurship.

    This is basically essensial , your partner communicated with you, and you had to evalue wether what he said had a basis of truth beneath it, every problem adressed should be solved. You know, he putted the finger right on the spot where it hurted, apparently he was good at reading your life, in the past he thought 'she is working 60 hours, but she isn't getting any promotion as a result of it, so it doesn't help her to get anywhere. Which is a form of being irrisponsible, because (and we have a very hard thread that states why http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=2961272 ) is that you shouldn't be a workaholic, if you have to do so much that your doing work for 2 people, then you should have asked your firm to hire another person, and draw a line to the extend of the amount of work you do.

    I don't want to rub it in your face to say as your ex was right, because everyone is human, everyone has their faults, working on them is hard, and you shouldn't be hard on yourself for having them. Because essensially you didn't do anything wrong, basically the flow of your life and the choices you made in the past brought you in the situation you are in.

    You know anti-depressants are problem suppressors and not problem solvers, you have to be carefull with the anti depression, nowadays for every mental problem shrinks give anti-depressants , rather your shrink and you should have worked on the root of the problem, kill the root and you will kill the tree of your problems.

    You know there's not a single guy who is like your ex, because your ex is your ex, and those other guys are themselves, so to stop comparing them, and giving yourself and them a chance is something you deserve and oppertunity you have to give yourself in order to move on with your life. Which is important because you have to retain your sanity in order to be a functional member of society.

    You know your mind at the moment is in pure chaos, its like a boat in a storm with high waves, and lightning flashes exposed to these forces the ship(your mental sanity) is going to break under the stresses as your ship gets thrown onto the clifs.

    You need to steer away from the storm. You know the 'right' mental state is the following. Bring your life into calmer waters. Imagine yourself a cave with a lake in it. There's no wind, the water is calm ,serene deep and silent.
    This is how you have to be emotionally, you see before you can obtain intellectual stability, you will have to retain emotional stability.

    So what went wrong? Well first of all you should never go into a relationship expecting it to work out just because it is 'your case' go in it with the thought in your mind that it might not work out, because realistically a boy can pack his bags and leave any day.

    You know partners communicate with eachother and complain(not fight) so that they can work out their indifferences and stay tuned into eachother.

    Its important for you to understand that you can love someone, but you can't hold them as a prisoner. Life is more like sand, eventually everything will slip from your hand. You can only keep up the love and experience that you endured with eachother. So if the enemy has reduced your castle to a ruin. There's only two things you could do, you could cry over your ruined castle to no avail, or you can start rebuilding it.

    I suggest you focus on rebuilding your (emotional) life. And watch out with the anti-depressants and what you swallow, this because the brain is a very delicate electro-chemical organ that requires balance and proper functionality in society, if you damage it, its like damaging the operating system in your computer, things won't function properly anymore.
     
  4. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2004
    Messages:
    1,466
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Hollywood, CA 90069
    I am glad you cried yourself to sleep; it means you are starting to move forward with things.

    Remember what I said, this is no longer 2000 when the relationship ended, it is now 2007; don't look back, look forward.

    Embrace what you had, remember and cherish it, but don't try to replace it with the exact same thing. Find something/someone that will also feed you emotionally, sexually, spiritually etc., and build a new dream together.

    Clearly if you broke up with that person there were challenges in the relationship that could not be worked through; time tends to have us forget these and only remember the good stuff. So accept it happened, remember the good time and focus on the future.
     
  5. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    I don't know if time heals wounds work will work in this case. It has been 7 years, time does not always work.
     
  6. ExDelayed

    ExDelayed New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2002
    Messages:
    3,689
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ogden, UT
    I thought this as well, but apparently time just buried it deep inside where one day, out of the blue, it would pop back up to the surface.
     
  7. ExDelayed

    ExDelayed New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2002
    Messages:
    3,689
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ogden, UT
    Honestly, thats what I believe happened. When we broke up, I was crushed. I would think of him almost every waking moment of the day trying to figure out why. After awhile I got tired of thie shit so I forced myself not to think about him. Some time passed and the thoughts were basically gone. Someone would walk by and I would smell their colonge, a song on the radio, etc and the thought would come back, make me smile, Id wonder how he was doing and it would pass.

    It wasnt until I actually found him again that I had a problem. It almost feels like I took care of everything because I had no idea where he was or how he was doing. Once I found him again, perhaps it relit the old flame and all the 'what ifs' came back. Now once I figure out how to take care of that same issue, only this time making sure to face how I feel, instead of forcing myself to put it all away where I would never think about it, I can get over him for good and move on with life.

    :hug:
     

Share This Page