SRS This sucks

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Toda Party, Jun 3, 2005.

  1. Toda Party

    Toda Party .....

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    In this coming August, I will be 3 years sober(from alcohol). My 21st bday is coming up in a few days and its really stressing me out. I AM going to go out and hang out at bars with my friends, as I have been doing for the past few years- even though I don't drink... but now I'll be able to go wherever I want without worrying about ID. I wish I could drink so bad, just a few. It's weird when you're at a bar, everyone is drinking, and you're not. It pisses me off knowing that I can't even have 2 or 3 beers... or even ONE, for the rest of my fuckin life.

    Most of you will probably tell me to avoid bars. The thing is, there really isn't anything else to do. Nowhere else to go out and meet women, hang out with friends, ect. The way I see it is that if I have to avoid certain settings because of alcohol, the alcohol has won the battle. On the other hand, they(bars) make me want to drink. It's really a lose/lose situation.

    :mad: :(
     
  2. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    Go to a meeting! Go to a meeting! Go to a meeting! I don't know what else to say. It will give you another social group of people who don't drink. Not only that, after a certain amount of time (for me anyway), I can be around alcohol and still enjoy others company. Keep in mind I work the 12 steps, go to like 3-4 meetings a week, and rarely am in this position!

    HOWEVER, I do not hang out in bars, I've been a few times since I've been clean, but it's definitely not a place I kick it at. My advice to you is ... don't go! You are white knuckling it right now, and that's not a fun place to be. You need some recovery, BAD, go to a meeting!

    If you're only staying sober from alcohol and smoking weed or something, stop kidding yourself and get clean. Hit a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, drugs get in the way of happiness and recovery for the drug addict. Don't worry about the rest of your life, stay sober today! Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2005
  3. Toda Party

    Toda Party .....

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    Believe me, I can be around alcohol and enjoy others company. Even if its not at a bar, every Friday or Saturday night, whoever I'm with is drinking. Just because I want a drink doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself.

    When I stopped drinking I did stop smoking weed. The reason for this was that I was getting BAD anxiety/panic attacks for a few months after stopping drinking and I feared that smoking would induce more attacks. I started smoking again this past January and found that it isn't causing anxiety like I feared it would... so Ive been smoking on the weekends ever since. You might advise against it, but I enjoy it. Once again, if I can't do certain things because of my alcohol addiction, the alcohol has won IMO.

    I'm not trying to come down on anyone, but I don't really like the idea of the meetings. Not religious, don't like the idea of church either. I'm an extremely opinionated person with my own beliefs and don't like others imposing theirs on me. I don't like hearing people tell me what I should think, how I should act, whats right or wrong, ect.

    I don't really expect anyone to have any answers, and I do appreciate help eligh. At least I'm venting if nothing else :shrug:
     
  4. Bean

    Bean Guest

    My experiance with meetings is "take what you need, leave the rest"

    Lots of good stuff to be learned at meetings, you don't have to buy into the christianity to get it. Lots of good people too, just have to look for them. One has to work to maintain sobriety...it's not handed to one on a silver platter.
     
  5. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    That's fine, but have you spent a considerable amount of time around people who don't drink on Friday or Saturday nights? It can be just as fun, and in my opinion is usually more fun. If I was constantly bothered by the temptation to drink, I wouldn't have as much fun as I do, but that's just me. The fact is, you have less in common with these people now that you aren't getting blasted. If you still have a lot in common with them besides drinking, it can be a fun experience. However, you have much more in common with any new person that you meet at AA, much more so than any new person you meet at a bar.

    I'd definitely advise against it. An addict to one drug (alcohol) is an addict to any drug. You really can't progress in recovery and learn to enjoy things with a clear mind if you are still using drugs (i.e. marijuana). The fact is, I can really do whatever I want. It'd be highly detrimental to me if I drank or used drugs (but I could do it). In this sense, it'd be highly detrimental if I had 1 beer, or smoke one hit of weed, or take 1 e tab or shoot up in only one vein. In this sense, the addiction has won, and in this sense I am powerless over it. I can go to bars (but it's simply not as fun as it used to be). Once I realized I couldn't drink anymore, or use drugs, I still went to parties, I still hung around with my old friends, I still did a lot of the same shit. The fact is, because I don't use anymore, I'm changing and I've changed. I have to find new playgrounds, new playplaces and new playmates. Once I did that, I learned to once again enjoy life (and without a hangover to boot). It took a while, and no one said it was easy, but it was definitely worth it.

    That's fine, I completely agree with you on every aspect except the "don't really like the idea of meetings." AA is NOT a religious program. I know people in NA that are Atheists, Agnostics, Buddhists, Christians, something in between, etc... No one will impose any beliefs on you in meetings, they will simply share a little bit about themselves, and if you can relate cool, if not that's cool too. No one's going to tell you how to act, but they will share their experience with you, and if you listen, you could learn from it. That's really what I'm trying to do right now, you can do whatever you want, but you might learn something from how it was for me. The only thing I'm really going to tell you to do, is to go to a meeting and check it out so you can start having a better life!

    The reason meetings are held in church rooms: Because that's where rent is the absolute cheapest, they have NO AFFILIATION WITH THE CHURCH whatsoever. There are also several meetings held at Alano Clubs (an AA-owned building).

    You seem to have some willingness (you don't drink anymore, willingness to quit smoking weed would help your situation incredibly), you're definitely honest, and you just lack a little open-mindedness. I think if you attend a meeting, or maybe even a few, you'll find a lot of people you have many things in common with. Please don't judge based upon heresay. I wouldn't really judge a class I was taking before actually going once. I wouldn't judge a professor by their name listed in the catalogue, or a book by it's cover, it's really the same principle. Read the stickies, find out what happens in a meeting! You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. With honest, open-mindedness and willingness, you can go a long way!

    Well I have a lot of experience I can share with you, I was once in a similar position. Feel free to vent, but keep an open mind to suggestions. Glad to hear you appreciate help, there's much more where that came from.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2005
  6. Toda Party

    Toda Party .....

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    Most of the people that I'm reffering to are good friends, who I also hang out with when they're not drinking. They just like to drink on the weekends... I enjoy their company weather they're drinking or not. As far as meeting women goes, I can't really think of any place to go where there wouldn't be any drinking involved, and I certainly don't want to go to a meeting with the intentions of finding women.

    I did quit smoking weed for 2 1/2 years and had good times with a clear mind. Honestly, smoking a bowl is enjoyable for me, and I can control it. Years ago, I did smoke every day... and when I think about it I have no desire to smoke every day. It's a weekend thing. Weed will not control my life like alcohol has and would if I started drinking again. I KNOW that I can't drink in moderation. Smoking in moderation is not a problem for me.

    The meetings I'm sure are great for some, but probably not for me. Sure, this is me being closed-minded, but that's just how I feel. Living my life as normal(normal to me) as possible is what I want, just without the alcohol... meaning I don't want to find new hang-outs, new people, ect.
     
  7. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    If you can't drink like a normal person, you aren't normal, you're an alcoholic. Sorry to break it to you, but that's the way it goes. If you're an alcoholic of the type described in the big book, you will drink yourself into oblivion after you have a few. You cannot moderate, with respect to any mind or mood-altering chemical including weed.

    You don't have to go to meetings with the intention of meeting women, you would go for recovery. There are several other places to meet women, if you think the bars are the only place, then your life and your friend's lives may be focused too much on the alcohol-related scene. An addict to one thing is an addict to another, you can't grow as a person or begin to ease the pains of your addiction until you stop using drugs entirely, I don't know how else to spell it out to you.

    Yeah, it is definitely closed-minded, it won't kill you to check one out, in fact it may even save your life. You're never going to be able to live your life normal because you're an alcoholic, you just aren't a normie, nor will you ever be one if you can't drink in moderation. If you're entirely opposed to going to a meeting until you find out more about it, read the Big Book, it's online, and there's a link in the stickies I believe. If not, I'll find it for you.

    There are thousands of people who have come before you and realized they have the disease of alcoholism. They have figured out they can't be normal, they must live by certain principles to be responsible, productive members of society. The 12 steps weren't made up by a religious organization, they were constructed by alcoholics who realized they needed an alternative solution to enjoy life without alcohol. Why would you not want to learn from those who have come before you?

    The fact is the program works if you give it a chance, and you are an alcoholic. You're not giving it a chance. Until you open your mind and become willing to at least learn what 12-step recovery is about, I can't help you. Your desire to drink and your unhappiness with your situation will continue until you open your mind. You'll continue to reside in your current lose/lose situation until the pain of changing becomes greater than the pain of remaining the same.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2005
  8. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Every friday or saturday you're around people who drink? It sounds like you're scared to lose old friends and you don't know how to make new ones. You can root yourself around people who share in your common goal and problem... at least I thought so until I read the following section:

    That's awful logic bro. You could claim that because you can't drink alcohol because of alcoholism, that you can't do a certain thing. Thus the alcohol has won. Have you ever looked at the steps? Drugs and alcohol basically DID win. We can't do certain things anymore because we're incapable of handling them. We are powerless, lack self-control, etc. If you're delusional and believe that somehow you still have these things, then you don't understand your problem with alcohol.

    That's called being closed-minded. Call a spade a spade, buddy. If you think your way is the right way, then you'll continue to suffer until you open your eyes. You don't have to accept some dogmatic belief. Its obvious to me who doesn't go to meetings if they claim that they're religious and try to cram "god" down your throat. It just clearly shows the lack of attendance and experience with meetings, in my opinion.

    It would be a disservice to me to not give you an answer: stop BSing yourself man. Either you have a problem with drugs/alcohol, or you don't. If you have a problem with one, you have a problem with the other. If you have problems, then your activities are going to be limited because you have self-control issues. We don't pick up a drug or a drink because we're powerless. This is a logical conclusion that is embodied within the first step. It almost seems like you're making excuses and rationalizations, something all too common for someone in the grips of active addiction. You need not be actively drinking to still be suffering from the disease.
     
  9. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Again, this is a revealing way to show those with experience that you're strictly inexperienced with meetings. I suggest for you that you re-evaluate how much you really know about recovery... I'm not trying to be harsh on anyone here, its just simply that half-truths about what recovery is truly about is not something I can idly sit by and not respond to.
     
  10. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    If you want some mixed-bag recovery handout then, you're not going to find it. Its akin to searching for the pot of gold at the end of rainbow. You'll spend your life trying to chase this proper balance. There's a reason why you're not settled and comfortable with your situation at the present... because you're striving for something that doesn't exist... I've seen you post a bunch of times around here man, and what you got is great. The half-steppin though isn't really kosher. I urge you, for your own sake, to give full-on recovery a chance. Meetings, sponsor, support group, service work, step work, open mindedness, the whole package. You can't claim to have tried if you omitted a particular element.
     
  11. Bean

    Bean Guest

    What do you mean by this? What am I missing?
     
  12. Toda Party

    Toda Party .....

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    I'm not afraid to lose old friends... I don't want to lose my friends. These are people who I grew up with. People who Ive been friends with for 15 years. If you guys are telling me that I need to get rid of them, then I guess I'll never progress, because that just aint happening. Friends are not like a pair of sneakers that you just throw out then get new ones.

    I guess if going to meetings and letting go of my best friends is what it's going to take to really recover, then I'm going to suffer.

    Thanks for the help :)
     
  13. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    If your friends don't want to do things that don't involve drinking every friday or saturday night, then you're the one that's just being a follower. You don't HAVE to get rid of your old friends, but recovery involves changing your environment so you don't put yourself in risky situations. You also aren't really doing yourself any favors by hanging around booze. You'd gain more from a meeting.

    My point? Its your friends who are unwilling to change for YOU. Just stop hanging around with them when they drink, see how that treats you. Likely you won't be hanging around them very often at all, and likely you'll realize that they don't change their behavior to work with you and what you're going through.
     
  14. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    You don't have to lose your old friends. I have several old friends that I still hang out with, but I don't go out to bars with them. They know that's not my place, and they don't ask me to come. They're happy I'm clean, and they are good enough friends to do other things with me. There were a few losers who I thought were good friends, who I don't hang out with anymore at all, because I don't use. You're not afraid to lose old friends, you're afraid to make new ones.

    Yes, meetings really are going to help you, and if you are going to close your mind on them before attending even one, I don't know what to tell you. You don't need to let go of your best friends, you need to let go of your attachment to your old ways. If you don't understand why the bar is not a good hangout for a recovering alcoholic (or really anyone that doesn't drink), once again I'm stumped, I don't know what to say.
     
  15. Team503

    Team503 Guest

    I'm curious as to why you interpret not going to bars with your friends as losing them?

    Since I stopped drinking, I find that there are people that are my friends (some of whom I've known for decades) that I spend very little time around. It's not because they're not my friend, or because I don't like them; it's simply because I don't go out to bars and clubs all the time.

    They're still my friends, and when we hang out, we have a good time. And I'm finding that as I do things OTHER than go to bars, I'm rediscovering interests and hobbies that I used to be passionate about and making friends through those habits.

    After all, isn't part of being friends sharing interests and hobbies? If all you share is drinking, well... :dunno:
     

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