SRS This is my last plea for help

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by schmitty101, Jan 30, 2010.

  1. schmitty101

    schmitty101 You might remember me from such films as "Dig your

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    For those of you who don't know about me, here is my situation:

    During my teenage years I struggled with confidence and self esteem issues. I had a problem with facial blushing. I would easily get embarrassed and my face would turn beetroot red. I was extremely self conscious about it and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was so stricken with fear and sadness during those years that I lost myself. I lost my personality. Out of fear of going red I completely stopped thinking for myself. I did what others expected of me and told me to do because if I didn't then I would be the "nail that sticks out" and I would go red. I feel dead inside and I don't think I will ever get my spark back. I'm scared to be myself. I am so god damn unsure of myself. I am 21 years old and the 18 years old in my community college intimidate me. My body language is shit. People pick up on these things and they don't want to be associated with me. I'm sadder than every. My life is so pathetic, i'm just like my pathetic fucking dad.

    I had a surgical operation to cure this but it has failed. I still blush.

    The blushing really doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I can go to class and blush and move on with my life. It sucks, but at this age and having suffered all these years I at least have the strength to power through it now. What really bothers me and completely fucking kills me is when I try to "be myself". After all those years I lost myself. I try to be myself but I barely know who I am. When I do blurt something out it is usually a weird thing to say. I don't feel comfortable with myself. I have no confidence in who I am. I also can't help but go around and be a people pleaser. I always say please and thank you like my life is depending on it and I do my best not to interrupt and inconvenience anyone. I'm a nobody. I'm not the least bit fun and energetic. I have to force myself to smile and people can tell it's fake. I feel like everything about me is wrong. I have nothing to be happy about. It's all shit.

    I think if I moved out of my parents house then that would do me wonders. My dad is such an aweful role model and person to be around. I can't move out because i'm broke. I can't find a job. Even if I do find a job I am going to school full time so I wouldn't be making enough to move out. Is there anywhere I can go for free/cheap housing? I can't fucking stay in this house with these people anymore.

    I've seen my school counselor and he was of no help. This is my last attempt to get someone to tell me something helpful. If I don't get it here i'm just gonna stop trying.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2010
  2. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    You need therapy.
    And the school counselor will not cut it.

    You need to go see a shrink.

    Listen, this is coming from someone who has been there, seeing a shrink is vastly different then seeing a doctor.

    When I broke my knee the first time I met my orthopedist I really disliked the guy. I had no respect for him. I thought that he was so uppity in himself that he was not going to give my knee the time it deserved.
    I ended up getting the best fucking care from this guy that I could have asked for. What I didn't understand about the guy is that he was THAT good and THAT experienced. It took me a while to come around to that. In the meantime the guy healed me.

    Other words, I disliked the guy intensely but my knee got healed anyways.

    When you search out a shrink understand that this is NOT how a shrink/patient relationship works.
    You have to trust and respect the person sitting across from you. If you don't you won't get anything out of it.

    I say this because one of the saddest things I see on these boards is people saying, 'I went to see a doctor and he was a dick! He confirmed everything I thought about them. I am not going to see any doctors again.'.

    That shit just makes me sad. You need to shop around till you find someone that you click with.
     
  3. Thought Thinker

    Thought Thinker Circling the drain.

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    Where do you live? Like area? East/West coast? State?

    I'll help you look for stuff that might help your situation.

    Things could always be worse. You're doing more than most. You're going to school and you seem to have the ambition to change your current situation. It won't happen overnight, one day at a time.
     
  4. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    You have forgotten to celebrate who you are, to revel in it. No one is perfect, but the happiest people are those who realize that and realize that someone, somewhere, will find their uniqueness very desireable!
     
  5. DeplorableButtslut

    DeplorableButtslut OT Supporter

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    I agree with the shrink...you need someone that you can confide in and that also has experience in dealing with your situation.
     
  6. schmitty101

    schmitty101 You might remember me from such films as "Dig your

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    Well the school counselor had over 30 years of experience. He basically told me to form a study group and then slowly try to befriend the people in that group. He told me to think in terms of "I can" instead of "I can't". He said other things, but most of it I don't remember. Some of it was helpful, but it was a temporary fix. Maybe i'm wrong but I don't think he understand just how much this fucking blushing problem crippled my mind. I grew up in such a violent and painful environment. Nobody prepared me for life. All of this shit and this couselor just expects me to up and "form a study group". Jesus fucking christ I just got done telling you about how fucking miserable I am and how trapt I feel and there is nothing you can tell that will stick with me to help me?

    So if this guy with over 30 years of experience has only this to say, then what can anyone else tell me? Lets not forget that there is no way I can afford to see someone privately. I can barely get by as it is.
     
  7. NappyTurk

    NappyTurk Banned

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    You need to learn how to OWN your situation. Realize that in a College atmosphere, no one is going to judge you for your blushing. If they do, they are the assholes. I mean shit you might always be "that guy that blushes like a fuckin beet", but that does not need to define your whole being. If anything, it is just a strange idiosyncrasy that makes you unique, in the physical sense.

    Don't put so much fuckin pressure on yourself!!!
     
  8. DeplorableButtslut

    DeplorableButtslut OT Supporter

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    Where are you? In most states you can apply for assistance if you need help:hsd:
     
  9. schmitty101

    schmitty101 You might remember me from such films as "Dig your

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    I'm in Lake county, il.
     
  10. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    It took you 21 years get this way. What made you think you'd be "normal" after surgery, without doing any of the real (hard) work?
     
  11. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    Is this the guy that wrote all this shit a while back, I told him the surgery was bullshit, and everyone disagreed with me and told me I was "insensitive" and "uncaring"?

    Either way, I'm going to tell you that you WILL NOT find the answer you are looking for on a web forum. Go grit your teeth via therapy and socialization till is this not a problem any more.
     
  12. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    Nice. :rolleyes:
     
  13. erynne936

    erynne936 my av is a car, but i'm a girl. stop calling me b OT Supporter

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    I too recommend therapy. A good therapist can help you work through these issues, but you have to want to change and want to work. All therapist/counselors are not created equal. Sometimes you have to try a few to find a good fit. Sounds like the surgery was a "quick fix" try and what you need is to really work out your underlying issues. Good luck to you, don't give up. I have been in therapy myself. It can and does get better, with a good therapist and with you giving it your all. :hug: Edit: there may be financial assistance/reduced rate mental health services available to you in your community. Look into it. Put the effort into finding a therapist and how you can afford it, like you probably put effort into researching surgery.
     
  14. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    ....the fuck is wrong with you?

    His condition worked on his psyche his entire life. Changing how he looked on the outside is the easy part, but it did nothing to fix the 20 years of damage on the inside.

    If I didn't say that in a fluffy bunny feel-good way, too bad.
     
  15. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    You absolutely need medical attention, and psychotherapy. These things will help you to grow and will reduce your symptoms while you work on your growth.

    If you're unwilling to give medication and therapy a chance, then no one can help you. I found that great role models can be found in self-help books too. However, I recommend doing all three of these things together. Read the books before bed each night. If the books are right for you, you'll feel compelled to read them. If the book isn't right for you, stop reading and try another book. Amazon.com has ratings for books and people write reviews about what they thought.

    As far as the blushing goes. That isn't the issue. It's what is inside you, not your posture, physical appearance etc. When the inside is put into proper order, the outside automatically changes and reflects the internal.
     
  16. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Yes, but his training was not in the area of your problem. Different counselors are trained for different things. He's a SCHOOL counselor. His goal is to help students successfully navigate school related problems, not deep woundings inflicted by a lifetime of poor parenting, poor self esteem, depression, isolation, and pain.

    Understand?
     
  17. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Yes, absolutely. Your state usually has a medical insurance coverage plan called Medicaid for people in your position. You should be eligible given what you've reported.

    The page to go to for this is usually on the website for your state. Like mine is "mass.gov" and it's listed under Health And Human Services.

    Yours should also be listed under health and human services or something similar and the name of the program will be evident. You can get an application, sign up -- sometimes you can even do it online.

    Hope this helps. Most of us are willing to help you but only if you're willing to help too by doing what needs to be done. Are you?
     
  18. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    In an earlier post you asked how could anyone help a basketcase like yourself. You said you found it hard to believe anyone could.

    My response:

    You have no idea how many times I've heard this. You're no different than thousands and thousands of other people who have come before you saying the same thing. This is great news! You're not alone, and that means there are people who overcame these same obstacles. There are a lot of people who can help you. Now it's all a matter of finding them and then being willing to take the risk to listen to them and actually follow through on what's needed.

    See your problem isn't simply a medical condition. It never was. It was about your environment and what happened to you. Your family life, your coping skills, all of that -- it's the internal world that was injured badly, and the outward issue only helped stress you further, but it wasn't the cause of the majority of things.
     
  19. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    this. How is surgery going to prevent you from blushing? That's a confidence thing, not a physical attribute. All they could really do is reduce some of the blood flow
     
  20. johan

    johan Active Member

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    A high school counsellor will not have the skills or training to be able to help you.
    Those "30 years" are irrelevant, and I'd advise you to stop using that to continue to think negatively.

    I.e. if a 30 year experienced counsellor can't help me....by gosh, that proves no one can.



    In fact, your situation is not that unusual, and can be turned around by seeking appropriate professional help.

    Which does not consist of dropping into the high school counsellor office, because, as you've found out, all you get are some cliches because this person is so completely out of their depth.

    As for payment, several people have chimed in with options for state/medicaid coverage.

    If you have a family doctor, see them and talk about a referral.

    If you don't have a family doc, and there are walk-in/free clinics in your area, present there and ask about a referral.

    The list of options goes on, but the basic idea is to seek real professional medical help. Which will include a group setting in the future, but that comes later.

    There is a way out of this mess, but you need to get up off your rear and access the right system
     
  21. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    I hope it helps for you to realize you are not alone in your perspective of yourself.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010
  22. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I can't give too much in the way of advice, but I've felt it often helps to break things down into black/white.

    You ultimately have two choices here:

    1) You can let this run and ruin your life

    or

    2) You can deal with it and learn to live with it, take control back of your life, and go on. There have been people out there who have overcome far worse disabilities. Take Stephen Hawking for example. Would you trade disabilities with him?
     
  23. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    he posted a long time ago about having a surgery to (from memory) cut some nerves (or something) to prevent him from blushing.
     
  24. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I remember that thread. It consisted mainly of "I'll do this surgery, my problem will be solved, I'll suddenly be confident and outgoing."

    I think a bunch of us tried to tell him it doesn't work that way.
     
  25. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    careful or judy will roll her eyes at your callousness :rolleyes:
     

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