My friend past away a week ago today, he was a very close friend. He introduced me to music, motivated me, he was like the big brother I never had. I cherrish people who are important to me because I'm very alone, most of my family is dead and the ones who aren't, well they didn't care enough to even come to my fathers funeral so they are dead to me. Here I am a week later, haven't been able to sleep for more then 20 minutes. What keeps me sane is some good music I stumbled across before he died. I feel that I'm the lonliest person on earth, while I lay there in my bed staring at the ceiling I try to make sense of life itself...why am I so unlucky? Do I have a purpose? I used to think that I am living for my friends and family who have died in the past..but the thought has drifted away. A teacher once said that in concentration camps when people lost the will to live they died. If it's true why haven't I? I don't believe in suicide but I hope that I can die in my sleep every night I lie down. I'm not a Masochist by all means, I know that there are worse off in life but that doesn't make me feel better, just makes me feel weaker. Sorry to go on such a rant, it's like 5am here and no one to even talk to, not about my problems since I'm not open towards my friends but something to pass the time, to stop me from thinking so much. Haven't really had any human contact except for the wake today and the funeral tommorrow, maybe closure will help out a bit. Horrible thing to say but sometimes I envy those drug users and alcoholics because they have a method of forgetting, ontop of that I think way too much, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think there really is a solution for this, but even before this death I have been feeling this way, this was just the catalyst to drive me rock bottom. I am very greatful for the asylum.