SRS The stereotpical: why am I posting this?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Noobler, Jul 5, 2008.

  1. Noobler

    Noobler Guest

    The stereotypical: why am I posting this?

    Most of this was written a few months ago.

    Psychological trauma fully characterizes my life, from the earliest rememberable memories childhood up until I went away to University. It probably never went away. I was tormented, tortured and abused by my own family and they sent me to schools that kept that humiliating abuse alive. Whether I block out most of my negative experiences or I legitimately forgot them is irrelevant. I am not consciously writing this to seek attention but deep down I know I am doing this for vain reasons. Everything in my life is tremendously impacted by my life in hell. I do not mean that as an example, I mean that literally. Regardless if "Hell" exists or not in a so-called afterlife, I am almost numb to the thought of going there someday because I've already been there. Sure, hypothetically speaking, it could be far worse and much more painful. However, is that the issue? Quantifying one's torment as someone would calculate the loss of their condominium after a ravaging fire? Just because my experience differs from those who may have been sexually molested over and over again make my suffering seem meager? A child who was beaten so severly that they spent much of their childhood with injuries make my story any less repugnant? Does the story of someone who has been belittled everywhere as a child make me a person with a weak backbone? What crosses the threshold from reprimand to abuse? "Time-out" ? The belt? Detention? "Justice Under God" ? Vaginal tearing? Mental illness? Really, who gives a fuck about someone who was abused, get over it faggot. Stop being such a whiny bitch, other people had it way worse and get a fucking job you goddamn deadbeat loser.

    Does it do any good discussing detailed experiences of your grotesque childhood? Will this make me feel and do better? Will this poorly written shit even help anybody? Did I deserve this for being such a terrible child? Is this some sort of cruel debt that had to be repayed for a previous life? Is this normal? Why so many questions and so little substance? Don't you fuckin' plan the shit you write you fucking moron? Does my writing even follow English writing grammar or sense? Ultimately, it is up to the person to decide for themselves and pass from slave to operator.

    I can't write a fucking story of what happened to me in my childhood because that shit won't just flow out. Why not just make a list of all my imperfections, a.k.a. weaknesses.

    I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm unlikeable, I'm anorexic, I'm sick, I'm perverted. I'm unloved, I'm disgusting, I'm a loser, I'm a pussy, I'm a bitch, I'm fucking broke as usual, I have no discipline, I have no self -control, I'm a liar, I steal, I cheat, I'm immoral, I'm evil, I'm indecent, I'm a wannabe, I'm slow, I'm ignorant, I'm dirty, I'm smelly, I'm a drug abuser, I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I'm a virgin. There's countless more that I am too stupid to remember.

    I want, I need, how am I living now? How did I get here? I want this to fucking end. How am I alive?

    Wow, almost Christmas break and I'll get to finally get a break from all those fucking assholes at school! Assignment: draw a Christmas tree. Should have been draw the blueprint for the Chicago Spire or the Burj Dubai.
    Get homw, time passes-- who cares? Begin drawing of said tree. Said tree does not have enough detail. I am a glutton for punishment (ohh so many cliched lines, heard so long ago). Begin a new draft. Draft fails again. Begin a 3rd draft or something like it. FAIL. Operation has been terminated. An illegal operation has occurred. OOOhh, like frost chapped skin, give me more, please do! Little boy is gone, little bastard is here. MMMMM, taste of salt, get used to it fag, theres enough to make a bowl of ramen soon enough. WOW! Drawing is done. Most marvelous. Queue school the next day. Wow that's nice! You didn't make that! Teacher hang's up other students work and compliments them even though my tree is far prettier. Teacher knows that the final draft of this tree was not of mine own hands. Bad boy, shame, you are lucky you have the privilege of being at this school. I weep inside. What is love? Baby don't hurt me, no more.

    Wow, how completely fucked am I? Too bad I wasn't gassed with all the Jews. Please, please kill me. I'm too afraid to die. Where is your god now? Ohh, he works in mysterious ways. Through your pain and sweat we build on you? What? No fucking way, stop being such a self aggrandizing shit.

    I'm embarassed, I fear, I have no fear, I hate, I rage, I love. Socializing cannont happen. I want a woman according to my animalistic urges but I certainly do not deserve anything as I am the worst thing alive. What a pussy, writing this shit so someone feels sorry for him.

    Do you know how it feels to not have intimacy? Do you know suffering an torment and agony? Do you know stupid people like me? I feel more than embarassed and ashamed of wanting a bitch (why be deceitful when most men honestly consider them bitches), for more than fucking and never having that. Sure, I've fucked for money and even gotten lucky but thats nothing. I think I;m special, I daydream, I'm a god. But ya rite, I'm a slob. No one to blame but myself. I am the worst piece of humanity, or maybe I;m not even human at all. I dream of girls, dates and the undedog stories. But tHAT'S ALL THEY ARE BUT STORIES. I fail and fail again. Here I go back to jerking off to youporn.

    Is this a story? What the fuck is this? WIll I get reported? Do people already know? I don't care, but I do. Always full of contradiction. Destined for last.

    I want to change. If someone finds this they think please kill him. Of course, a waste of space. You have no glimpse of suffering. None at all. Fuck you all. Not true. I do love you. Theres more but I;m too pathetic and weak to say it all. This is something I'm not proud of and the whole world will probably find out someday. Why was I born? My mother indeed almost aborted me, so atleast she says. Probably would have been better if she did. Or if my dad just left me all alone on that hill. Look at the people laughing at this. Well, atleast they mugh be humored. No, just sickened by how vile I am or by my idiocy. I will never be the idyllic man within Western culture. Why should I care though, anyways. Devoid of value, devoid of meaning. Just another psycho.

    Being abused as a child is bad. Being "tortured" is worsE.R. Ohhnoes, tme for sleep. Why do I write? I deserve to have NOTHING.

    I am an idiot. Others are surely idiots. This world I have such aspirations for yet seems so hopeless like some kind of dystopic sci-fi novel.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2008
  2. Noobler

    Noobler Guest

    Worst of all I know how I can help myself but I don't do it.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I'll just fill in the gaps and answer your questions so you can start a new life, here we go.:coolugh:

    You are a part of life that is why your problems matter regardless of the fact on wether there's a third world country child that's got more problems then you isn't the issue. You see there's always gonna be people who have it better then you and always people who are worse off then you, but that doesn't mean that your problems have no validity, they matter to you, and that's enough validity in its own to make an effort to solve them.

    We here at the Asylum love and help people unconditionally, so don't worry about your problems not being valid , hell if Britney Spears breaks a nail then she'd already make a problem of it and a ton of people would help her out, so why not you, what are you less then another person? Nothing , so here's my first advice that goes on considering yourself not any lower, or any higher then anyone else. Keep that in mind.

    Secondly Heaven just like Hell is not a place, its a state of mind, many people are in hell long before they are dead, you are currently in a state of hell by the bad past that haunts you like a ghost in the present, we aknowledge that. :wavey:

    There's nothing wrong with your backbone, bad purposefull parenting leads to a lot of negativity in the child, children are in the most fragile state of their lives when they are young, totally dependand on their parents, your exposure to this constant abuse,and bad parenting has made your life negative and distorted the forming of a good and correct image on life.

    Any parent who needs to resort to beating has no parenting skills. This also counts for your parents. So are you all those negative things you call yourself? NO,You are a victim of abuse and have been negativily effected by that.

    And by changing your thoughts patterns into love and helping others you really can achieve a state of heaven in your life. You don't have to believe this, its a garantee, and we'll explain you how to get there.

    Yes it does do good to vent, its better then making your heart a murderhole, which no one in here would recommend at all. Its important to process your bad childhood so you can learn to give it a place in your life, and move on to progress once you processed it. No matter how terrible a child, it doesn't deserve to be abused, to be corrected without violence maby but certainly not in terms of hurting the child is again an act of wrongdoing of the parents against the child. Even if your karma was wrong in a previous life, it doesn't mean your parents were allowed to use violence against you in this life. In the end it comes again down to that your parents sucked at parenting and that you are wrongfully blaming yourself for that. It comes to no suprise that your parents would try to blame you for that, as its another display of their lack of parental skills.

    The only person who determines on wether you are a loser is you! You are not stuck to all these above positions, if you are stupid, you can learn, if you are fat, you can train, if you are lazy, you can create a get up n go attitude, if no one likes you, then you can change your lifestyle into something that people like, if you are annorexic you can get a theraphist and a dietist to help you with this. If you are sick you can see a doctor, but not only that, you can give yourself a make-over, learn how to save money, get discipline by learning from good examples, and with that discipline you can use self control to stop lying, stop cheating, create morals that give you a good guidance thru-out life,

    If you start making an effort you can make a change. Mentally,Physically and Spiritually.

    You are too hard on yourself, beating a patient who's already in the hospital what good will that do to the patient?, simular you shouldn't beat yourself down in negativity.

    If you are in a rut and stuck with your life, you need to give it a swing in a new and positive direction by carving a new path with your own power.

    Do not expect leperchauns to appear and solve your issues, do not wait, be the dictator of your own life and take the situation in your own hands.

    There are only three directions in life, down where death lies, stay where you are and go in circles, or up where an improved life lies ahead, the first 2 are worthless and lead to nowhere, this is important because it means you can set the course of your life, to the only direction that is valuable ,namely upwards towards into progress. It doesn't matter from there on wether you win or lose in life, you simply keep on following the positive course, that way you can ALWAYS be confident no matter what happens, because you know that going for gold in your life is the only right way to live.

    If change was just a thought, then anyone could do it. But reality is that you can't just sit around feeling miserable for yourself and the situation you are in while being punched in the face by the reality of life. Those thoughts of change, can't become real if you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself, if you want to change then why would you stay in a state of paralyzation? If that happens it means you do not want to change, you are simply waiting for the world and people to change around you as you see fit, therefore

    Without walking, there's no way to move forward, you'll just end up waiting.


    -Aknowledge that your problems are valid and that they need to be solved.
    -What you need to find is a theraphist.
    -What you also need to do is to start achieving small accomplishments.
    (bake a cake, build a small statue, make a painting) to build up your self esteem. Even if you are a loser,if you strive to be a winner then you still are a winner.

    After falling down, comes crawling up ,standing and moving on again. You need to give yourself infinite chances at life.

    Negativity leads to nowhere, its therefore important that you don't stay in your negativity of can't do, won't do, will not to do.

    A plant needs positivity to grow, it needs good ingredients , sunlight, water, good soil,and good care.

    Your body is the same, you couldn't grow emotionally because your dad and mom constantly trampled the soil the plant wanted to grow on, this negativity made you unable to grow emotionally , which is the reason why you are emotionally devastated now.



    So what we are looking for now in your life is Emotional recovery , so what you need is emotional support and a route to recovery for your life. Therefore my advice would be to start practising bhuddism, and Reiki. You don't need to believe anything of it, but there are essensial teachings in it that can deblock and relieve the negativity out of your life. Furthermore i advice you to forgive your parents for what they did, because eventually you will have to draw a line behind this and let the negativity go, you can do this when you are ready for it.

    The core essense therefore is grabbing the problems by the root, and solving the problems at where they begin.
     
  4. Noobler

    Noobler Guest

    I've been to two therapists before. The 1st one was with my mom which instantly made me feel uncomfortable. The second one I liked and got myself but there were problems initially with the insurance and I feel to ashamed to go back and see her. I will find another therapist to go to soon within my plan.

    I originally wrote all this for myself so some of what I wrote is cryptic.

    thank you.
     

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