SRS the myth of confidence

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Rellik, Mar 19, 2010.

  1. Rellik

    Rellik New Member

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    i know this isn't a place to post articles, but I see the term "be confident" thrown around so much in the assylum that i just have to post an excerpt from an excellent article i found...

    http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2007/04/08/the-myth-of-confidence/

    So here’s the truth about confidence: You can only have confidence when other people give it to you. When others in your age group like you, respect you, admire you, and are attracted to you, you get confidence. When they don’t like you, scorn you, and reject you, you lose confidence. Therefore, the level of confidence you have is controlled by others, NOT by you. You can not just decide to be confident. Confidence is not a choice or decision you can make. You can’t just snap your fingers and, Abracadabra, you’re confident. It doesn’t work that way. It can’t work that way. Social confidence, by it’s very definition, requires support and acceptance from others (in your own age group) before it can exist.

    Confidence is merely a byproduct of success. You need some kind of social/sexual/romantic success before you can have genuine confidence. Confidence without success is delusional and/or dishonest, thus fake, and [size=+1]others will quickly recognize it as such[/size]. Here’s why: It’s not really the confidence itself that people are attracted to. Confidence is merely what results when someone has the qualities that are really attracting us. Obviously, if someone is good-looking, or wealthy, or funny & quick-witted, others will be attracted to them. This, in turn, will give them confidence.
    So when someone tells you they are attracted to confidence, they are lying! (whether consciously or subconsciously) What they’re really attracted to are the traits that make confidence possible. After all, we all know that wealth, good looks, and strong social skills are attractive to others. Are we to believe it’s just a coincidence that these are the very same traits that lead to confidence? Obviously, someone who is successful will have more confidence than someone who is unsuccessful. So when someone says they’re attracted to confidence, what it means is that they’re attracted to success & the factors that make success possible. The confidence itself merely exists as a sign that those other factors (the real attractors) are present.

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    In the end, he says that in order to make a difference, you need to have the person work on 1. Their appearance 2. Their social skills (which can be kind of a catch -22) and 3. Their wealth, in that order not give empty and completely meaningless advice to "be confident"
     
  2. john law

    john law Guest

    lol whatever makes you feel better about yourself.
     
  3. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    100% complete, unadulterated, bullshit.

    You are what YOU make yourself, not what others make you.
     
  4. Rellik

    Rellik New Member

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    So all the people with good self confidence just HAPPENED to also have these traits, by ACCIDENT, right? no association?

    the only bullshit here is whats already been said. People telling other people to be more "confident" without attacking the issues that are key to building confidence (from acceptance by your peers), is fucking bullshit, as bullshit as "be yourself".
     
  5. john law

    john law Guest

    You are 1,000% correct. It starts with the guy in the mirror every morning.
     
  6. Rellik

    Rellik New Member

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    what are you going through an anthony robbins phase or something? who the fuck is this guy. you know, as hypocritical as this sounds, unlike you i actually post something new. if you dislike me, stop posting in my threads
     
  7. TopDawg

    TopDawg New Member

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    I think it's a mixture of both: it takes experiencing success and developing this attitude that you don't care too much of how others think of you.

    Confidence has to be well grounded with such conviction for your actions, your beliefs, and your abilities. But this conviction does not come from empty experience, but tidbits of success here and there.

    And believe me, as a high school teacher at a tough school, either you have confidence or you are dead. Kids have such an amazing ability to smell your fear, that once you feel afraid and uncertain of yourself, they will pounce on you. And as a teacher you have to be such a force of nature, and an unwavering tower of utmost conviction that, because they need you as a strong leader, you will become a strong leader. Then confidence will exude from you.

    I am not sure if this answer your claim. But coming from my experience, developing my confidence was a do or die matter.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Confidence doesn't really exist, to demonstrate this.

    2 people have a math test. Person a studied, person b did not.
    A. feels confident ,does the test, gets good score.
    B. Doesn't feel confident, does the test, gets bad score.

    Person A knew the answers, Person B did not.

    Meaning confidence = knowledge. In other words , person A nor B didn't have to feel confident or insecure about the test, they just needed the knowledgeable contents in order to get a good score.

    This is why i always tell people to go for gold in life , and rather go kamikaze then go confident, do or die so to speak. That way you don't have to hesitate and you will paddle with your god given boat with all your might regardless of what the end results will be.
     
  9. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    You need to see a shrink and be on medication.

    End of thread.
     
  10. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    You either didn't understand my post, or didn't understand your own. Nobody can motivate you, nobody can give you success, and nobody can give you confidence......those are things YOU have to give to yourself.
     
  11. bowrofl

    bowrofl New Member

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    :dunno: I don't see how this proves confidence doesn't exist. Confidence is a mental state... of course it doesn't tangibly exist. And I definitely disagree that confidence is knowledge. I have felt very confident on a test before and ended up doing pretty bad. I THOUGHT I knew what I was doing, but when I got the test back, my confidence was pretty much cut.

    1000% agreed.
     
  12. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I could use this exact same argument to prove happiness doesn't exist, sadness doesn't exist, despair doesn't exist.............

    Are you really arguing that happiness doesn't exist?
     
  13. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    I say its a mix between the two main thoughts on this. I can say for sure I am confident. Now I do feel more confident when I know the answer to a question or can solve the problem but I still had the confidence before I was even asked to know I can solve it. Other people can either hinder or hurt your confidence, ever feel like you could anything when you solve a problem and someone comes up to tell you, you did a great job?

    I think everyone on here is getting a bit butt hurt because someone is telling them they are wrong lol. I think it takes a piece of everything but without a doubt starts with you. You are the one who either lets others affect them either good or bad, but you are the only one who can give yourself true confidence.
     
  14. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    It's always easy to blame others for our shortcomings....this is just another example.
     
  15. oakback

    oakback New Member

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    3rd person feels confident. Fails test. Confidence still existed. The existence of confidence is not proven or disproven by the results.
     
  16. Jester

    Jester OT Supporter

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    absolutely

    if you put in honest work every day to improve your life on your terms, you will improve your life, and as you do, you will absolutely become more confident
     
  17. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Oh look Rellik is working on his thesis for his special ed class again
     
  18. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    I wouldn't totally dismiss the theory that confidence is given by others. It is partially true, it does contribute to confidence overall.

    But in the end, it's how you view yourself. If you love yourself, if you believe in yourself, you can have self-confidence that doesn't depend on what others think.
     
  19. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    All of his threads come to the same conclusion. The guy needs medication and a shrink - pronto.

    No amount of threads is ever going to get this guy the change in his life he desires.
     
  20. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    Do we really have to ridicule someone's opinion on this subforum?
     
  21. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    It isn't ridicule.

    Read his other threads. They all share a common idea.
    This guy keeps making threads about how much his life sucks.
    He needs help.
    He needs a shrink and medication.
     
  22. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    I'm not ridiculing his opinion so much as I'm ridiculing him.

    He makes threads saying how his life sucks and how unhappy he is, and then he gives a rebuttal of why everyone else is wrong except for him when advice is given. He argues with everyone trying to help him.

    As Stilgar said, he seriously needs some medication and therapy. It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't talk to everyone else like they are stupid.
     
  23. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    if you lack confidence in yourself people will not respect you and will not aid you in building confidence.

    if you have confidence BUT for one reason or another you are put down by your peers your confidence will eventually break down.


    IMO you are in charge of your confidence however your peers can have an impact on it.
     
  24. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    The thing about this guy....
    well, for one he is kind of acting like a dick. I mean, Socrates is correct. He spouts all this shit, then someone offers advice and the guy has to them go on another tirade about how the advice can't possibly work for him.

    I think that is kind of a dick move.

    The other thing though, all of his threads are the same thing. They are all reflecting different ways he thinks his life sucks.

    He kind of trips a switch for me.

    (I have said this before, I will say it again)

    I spent a large part of my life living in a state of denial. It is funny, cause I read about alcoholics and they talk about AA and recovery. The thing they talk about that always strikes me is this idea that you have to reach an understanding that this problem they share is bigger then themselves. That they cannot possibly resolve it without outside help.

    Well, I don't have a problem drinking. I do have a problem with depression. I associate it with setting in during the years I went through puberty. It wasn't until I had reached my 30th birthday that I finally came crawling to a shrink and asked for help.

    I look at it, at those years in between and I see it. I see exactly what the alcoholics are talking about. I spent all those years of my life acting like I could somehow be stronger then this problem. That if only I did such and such, or I just toughed it out, or I rode my bike another hundered miles, or my luck changed, or God didn't hate me, or a hundered other things I could beat this. I didn't need a shrink, I wasn't weak like that.

    Anyone that has read at least three of this guys threads should now understand what I mean about him tripping a switch with me.

    Anyways, the particular switch with me is that I look back at those years in between as wasted space. I do what I can to make the most of the life I have now, but I often wonder what sort of life I could have if I did at 18 what I did at 30.

    Sometimes I want to reach out and shake a person and say, 'Hey look at me! I fucked up just like you did. Don't fucking do it. Get help NOW!'.

    But when I get like that I am forgetting something. Alcoholics also talk about hitting rock bottom.
    My 30th birthday was rock bottom for me. I needed to hit it in order to understand that I couldn't do it alone. It was important. It was the only way I was going to understand.

    I can't make someone hit rock bottom. Some people need to be there. Reaching out and shaking them isn't going to help.

    So, every once in a while I find myself reading 'you know who's' thread. I want to write a diatribe begging him to forgoe his pride and go to a shrink.

    But I put myself in check and just say, 'Dude needs a doc and medication. End of discussion.'.
     
  25. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I used to have no self confidence.

    Want to know how I got it?

    By going out and accomplishing things. Once I realized that I was able to do shit and didn't need others to carry me, I got confidence
     

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