SRS The Greatest Pain I Have Ever Felt...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Johnny Burners, Nov 24, 2008.

  1. Johnny Burners

    Johnny Burners Indeed...

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2004
    Messages:
    1,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bridgeport, CT
    This is a long story, but I will keep it brief.

    I am 27, and my current ex-fiancee is now 22. We had been together three years and experienced an absolutely magical relationship. We moved in together earlier this year, and on October 15th, we had a huge fight during which I kicked her out of the house. She left, and I have been spending the last 5 weeks trying to get her to come back home, as I honestly overreacted by telling her to leave. She has been adament about staying away, saying that I hurt her too much and she is afraid.

    I just found out Friday morning that on November 8th, she had a one night stand with someone, and is pregnant by him. Three weeks after leaving the house. My initial reaction was to tell her that I love her and I am there if she needs me. I also forgave her for what happened. She is 100% keeping the baby even though the father wants nothing to do with it.

    She is coming over tomorrow to talk. Last night, as I laid in bed, I went through my first panic attack, and it was a massive one. I love this girl beyond belief, with every single thing I have in me. I have two children who absolutely adore her. But the thought of what she did, and the reality of her being pregnant by this other guy is sucking the life out of me.

    I just want anything from you guys, please. I am at the lowest point of my entire life. :(
     
  2. Hym3n

    Hym3n New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2005
    Messages:
    1,164
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CO
    I cannot in any way relate to your situation. All I can say is that you have my deepest sympathies and support. I have no idea what I would do if I were in your shoes. I wish you the best of luck.

    I read this on OT once, it kinda applies here:


    "Everyone who prays is praying for you, everyone who wishes is wishing for you, and everyone who smiles will smile at the thought of your dreams coming true."
     
  3. mandrew

    mandrew New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2008
    Messages:
    5,233
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    S.F.
    I hope you feel better.


    The only thing I can recommend is that you NOT go with your immediate reaction of forgiving her. Definitely give this a month or two and really think about what it is you want. If you still feel that way, then so be it. If not, then don't blame yourself for this because whether you kicked her out or not, she didn't have to go having unprotected sex with some guy 3 weeks after your relationship hit the rocks. She made that decision on her own, knowing that you wanted her back at the time.
     
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,752
    Likes Received:
    0
    Go ahead and forgive her, but don't take her back.

    Things could not have been truly magical if you had a big enough fight to kick her out of the house.

    She hooks up with another guy and gets pregnant...so her feelings for you must have faded quickly, or have already been fading for awhile.

    Do NOT allow yourself to be used as support for her now that she has a child. She will probably lay all sorts of sob stories on you, but notice how she would only want to come back when she had bills to pay and a baby to take care of?

    No matter what she says, if she really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't have left and slept with some other guy in the first place.
     
  5. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    I'm for this, but OP won't listen. He'll keep trying to get her back and, if he does, he'll be back here in 2 years making a thread about how he resents her but she's too intertwined in his life to get rid of....he'll say he feels guilty about kicking her out with a toddler when the father doesn't have anything to do with her/them. He'll internalize all this and wish he never got her back.
     
  6. notsousual

    notsousual New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2006
    Messages:
    24,227
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    WA
    Experience is really the only teacher
     
  7. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2005
    Messages:
    20,480
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    yeah dont take her back lol
     
  8. Vector

    Vector New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2008
    Messages:
    222
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    I hate to turn this into a pro-choice/pro-life argument but, at 27, I wouldn't give her a second look unless she agreed to abort the pregnancy. The last thing you need is a reminder of this pain you're feeling -- for the rest of your life.
     
  9. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    You know the right direction to take. I'm sorry you're suffering all this grief. No rational advice is going to help you to make the right choice.

    Unfortunately, even if everything done was a grave mistake on her part (Which cheating and getting pregnant could be done out of anger or deep hurt), there are lines we can not cross and expect to go back to how things once were. That's my opinion though.

    My roommate sexually assaulted my girlfriend in July of this year. He was like a brother to me, we'd been close for many years.

    When I found out from my girlfriend, I told him to leave, and I suggested he get into therapy if he expected me to ever speak to him again on any level. His behavior was the result of psychological problems, and only someone in my shoes could have understood the best way to handle it.

    My girlfriend did not press charges. I wish she had, what he did was awful and I believe he'll do it again without getting counseling. He has since not contacted me or her to apologize, nor paid me back rent of 3,800 dollars.

    I had to grieve, forgive and let it go inside so I could move on.
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2008
  10. Matrix0507

    Matrix0507 New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2007
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Did I miss a thread on this?
    either way, sorry to hear about that Metallic...my condolences.
     
  11. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you. No I never made a thread, it was personal and too difficult for me to discuss it.

    I don't want to take away from the thread starters situation though, but want to let him know that only he can decide what is best. Only he knows the depth and context of why things happened.

    In my experience, when too many emotions and too must history is involved -- it doesn't help to tell someone to write it off with logical arguments and simplistic slogans.

    No one could have helped me deal with my loss, so I think this situation equals that in betrayl and pain.
     
  12. Arkaybee

    Arkaybee New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2008
    Messages:
    11,768
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    This is the place
    I know what you are going through. When me and my exwife were fighting right before our divorce she would tell me one day that she was leaving then the next day she said she didn't know what to do. I eventually told her that I was sick of being strung along and wanted her to make a decision one way or the other. She said "Fine, I'm leaving." and just like that she started packing up her stuff. I regret saying that and I tried to get her to come back for months.

    I found out, that after she left and moved in with some friends that she went to planned parenthood on a couple different occasions (for reasons I don't want to know, but the possibilities are finite). I still told her that I was sorry, that I wish she would come back and that I still wanted to be with her. The hardest thing was having her tell me that she didn't want to come back.

    I fought the pain inside for months until I started to get over it. In retrospect my life is so much better now than it ever would have been if we had stayed together/still been married. My life did a complete 180 and I am much better off now. She was a complete bitch to me and there is nothing that I did to deserve the things she did/said to me. While I am still in "recovery mode" four months later, I feel good about how I handled the situation and have hopes for the future.

    Don't take her back. Don't look for just the quick fix of taking her back to ease the pain. While it may hurt like hell inside, you can overcome the pain and it will be better in the long run. :hs:
     
  13. Johnny Burners

    Johnny Burners Indeed...

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2004
    Messages:
    1,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bridgeport, CT


    She came over this morning, and she wanted to have sex with me. We started kissing, and it just hurt so much. I stopped her, and asked why she was doing this. Her answer was because she loved me and missed me. I then asked if she loved me and missed me so much, why would she do what she did. She then said she was sorry, but she wasn't going to abort the baby.

    I then told her why she should. I knew it was a bad idea to let her know how I truly felt, but if I didn't, I would never forgive myself. She bolted out the door and said she was never going to speak to me again for telling her to have an abortion. I understand.

    The crazy thing is, I still want to be a part of her life. Even after what she did, 3 weeks after leaving what was a fabulous relationship, I still want to be involved and help her any way I can. I don't know how I can begin to accept the fact that I have to let her go. I know in my heart the only way is to never see her again, but something inside me won't loosen the grip.

    My children adored her, as well as my family. I feel disgusting, like I meant nothing to another person who claimed so much love yet found it in herself to succumb to simple hedonism. Since I know the guy she had sex with (not personally), I have this constant image burned into my mind of him with his hands on her and having sex with her. My instincts tell me that since he is beginning to accept the pregnancy, and because I have said what I said, she is going to try and be with him, just because I think she needs someone there.

    I admit that she is extremely immature and extremely naive, but I saw so much in her that was so beautiful. How do I just let it go? I know I don't have a choice, but how do you tell a man with a broken leg to run? How do I deal with the fact that this is unfair? That I don't deserve what happened?

    I am truly sorry that you experienced what you did, especially at the hands of a close friend.
     
  14. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    I wish I had words to comfort you, but no amount of words or reasoning, will deny you your grief. It is something you will go through, and it will hurt. You won't be able to stop the grieving process, so my only advice to you is, suffer your cross with dignity and self respect. You can love and hate someone at the same time, and you can feel the conflicting feelings. We reason what is fair and what we deserve, but inevitably the truth is, fair is just in our minds, and what we deserve is just an assumption we make.

    In reality, fair doesn't exist, and we don't deserve good or bad, and when they happen to us, we label them and define them once we're clearhead again. You'll find your way.

    You will get through it though, and it will take time to let go and to feel like yourself again. Many many months it's taken me, and others usually -- to overcome the pain. In the meantime, you'll have to live your life, working, eating, and trying to take care of yourself, even while emotionally wounded.

    You did what you felt was right and that is all anyone can ever do.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2008
  15. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    it's going to hurt for a while but years from now you'll thank her for making your decision for you.

    By telling him to take some time to make sure he heals, then walk, then run.

    Life's not fair. Deal with it.
     
  16. Dodger Blue

    Dodger Blue OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2004
    Messages:
    14,349
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    I think best thing to do is let time go by. You may feel better in a few months. Right now it's going to be really hard to make a smart decision.

    In defense to the girl. I've seen girls/guys really in love with each other and they get hurt by another and do something like hooking up with another person. You really don't get into detail about what happened so we don't know much. Maybe she was really seriously hurt because she's emotionally fragile. Then her friends are telling her the best way for her to get over you is to sleep with so and so. I'm not trying to make excuses for her but we just don't know much besides your side of the story.

    Honestly I'd say everybody on here is right. I just know some people react to being hurt differently and maybe she made that one life changing decision. However that was her decision and I'm a firm believer in dealing with your own mistakes.

    I would stay away for the simple fact that you may never really know the truth when it comes to her feelings about you if she's going to need somebody to help with the baby. You need to distance yourself from her too because it's not going to get easy talking on the phone with her or being around her.

    And secondly, already wanting to have sex with you once she found out she's pregnant? That would freak me out. Then she runs out because you tell her that. Seems like she wants everything to be perfect now with you supporting the baby and getting back to her. Yet you tell her differently and she realizes it's not going to happen so she gets pissed off. Seems like she's thinking sex can bring you back. And please if you do end up sleeping with her again make sure she gets checked out. She could have some disease for all you know.
     
  17. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2004
    Messages:
    11,133
    Likes Received:
    8
    What a cunt.

    Tells you to fuck off then goes out and gets pregnant and then wants to come back to you because she needs support.

    You're an idiot if you want anything to do with that girl.
     
  18. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2004
    Messages:
    11,133
    Likes Received:
    8
    Yeah must not have been a magical relationship because he kicked her out of the house.

    Glad he put that in there so now we can base his entire relationship off that one event.
     
  19. Troy

    Troy New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NJ
    I would have laughed at her skank ass, fuck another guy let him cum inside her and then expect to go back to the OP..Yeah ok, see u skank!
     
  20. Mangina

    Mangina New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2006
    Messages:
    15,350
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada City
    Regardless of how you feel about her, her actions tell how she really feels about you. Be cold, move on.
     
  21. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2004
    Messages:
    65,778
    Likes Received:
    518
    Location:
    In a van down by the river
    Look man, I get how you are feeling, and I know it hurts and I feel for you. And here's a hug for all that: :hug:

    But...

    You're really going to have to dig deeper for a bigger set of balls. No, it's not crazy to tell her exactly how you felt (but :ugh: @ suggesting abortion), but come the fuck down out of the weepy clouds and get real. She fucked you over HARDCORE, why do you not believe that there shouldn't be consequences to that (i.e. you leaving her)? Why do you believe that your anger is somehow "wrong" (it's not)? Why do you think that this girl deserves half a fucking chance after what she did?

    Get mad. Fuck, get livid. It's justified. You can worry about forgiving her later. Seriously, I highly doubt you've TRULY forgiven her anyway (be honest with yourself). You just think you have. Hell, when my ex cheated on me, it took me a solid year to forgive her for it.

    Stop bullshitting yourself. Your pain and your neediness is turning you into a doormat, and if you don't stand up for yourself now, for this reason, when the hell are you EVER going to stand up for yourself?
     
  22. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2002
    Messages:
    601
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Johnston , RI
    yea man.. i may not be one to give advice here.. after going thru and still dealing with a shitty relationship.. and im speaking from experience here, my ex-GF did the same shit.. i mean almost identical shit ...

    we had a fight..but this time i left.. when i ended up lookin at phone records and stuff , i could see she had started talkin to different guys around a month before i left.. we still stayed in contact and all that. about a month after i left, i called her one morning from work for some reason.. something sounded "off" about her.. and i left work to go to another site , and make a drive-by of the apartment that we had.. what do i see but her car , and a mustang in front of it.. yea it sucked....


    fast forward 2 months.. i see her after work one day. i dont even remember the reason why and she is hysterically crying .. dont know why , and she then drops that fucking bomb on me, that she has a positive pregnancy test , and we hadnt had sex for 3 months at that point.. im tellin u my whole word crumbled right here.. i actually got physically sick .. after several hours of me and her crying and all that together.. i was like fuck this shit.. im rollin.. and that was it.. im not raising another man's baby because my girl wanted to be a lil slut for the weekend.. no fucking way

    in the end.. either it was bullshit , or she "lost" whatever she had ( im not a dr and didnt really care to look at the time , but maybe 6 weeks had passed between her fucking him , and this news)

    but yea man.. dont ever take her back.. u will regret it.. i took my ex back.. and we went thru more bullshit 6 months later.. and here we are broken up again.. and im hearing from friends she is doin the same thing again.. telling me she loves me and only me.. but fucking around on the side. Its bad fucking news man.....


    *EDIT*

    just wanted to expand on what Viper said above.. he is right , you may say that you have forgiven her for cheating , but trust me man.. its just not possilble in that short of a time span.. i said the same shit , and tho i really tried.. that image ,the same one that you have seared into your mind , keeps coming up , and everytime i saw the guy ,or even heard his name , i wanted to fly into a rage...
    i think partially my inability to really trust her after that , contributied to our ultimate demise..i couldnt trust , if she was out with friend's thats all that was going on..on the same hand she never tried to show me that it was all gonna be ok.. and it was really just friends ( the one time i did catch up with her when she was out with her girls, i pull up to find her best friend ( who is married) and her best friends ex ,steaming the windows in the back of her car, and her other friend tellin her she should have picked up a guy at the bar , than call me to pick her up.)... Overall it was a bad situation.
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2008
  23. KrissyKrass

    KrissyKrass New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2008
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    QUOTE: d189379 ~

    "Regardless of how you feel about her, her actions tell how she really feels about you. Be cold, move on."

    I have to say I agree that her actions are telling you exactly how/who she is even if her mouth is saying something different.

    Also I understand that you may have seen so many beautiful / wonderful things about her. But you also must realize that she's 22 and still discovering who she is. And even if it sucks it could very well be at your expense. It's not that she means to do it or anything but it is what it is.

    I agree with another poster when saying if she really loved you she wouldn't have went out and done this even if you two were broken up. It doesn't justify her actions and her bad decision.

    As always, do what is right for you. But really think long and hard about being with her and her having another mans child. Can you accept that? Can you treat that child as your own? Are you even ready for that?

    =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

    Avenger97 ~

    Wow at you getting screwed over like that. How long were you together? It really disturbs me when someone in a relationship acts this way. No wonder the rest of us have problems when it comes to trusting. Hell after getting treated like that how are you supposed to even function?

    Always better to end the relationship if you want to screw around. Instead of trying to have your cake and eat it to.

    Anyway sorry to hear about that and hope you are doing better now.
     
  24. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2002
    Messages:
    601
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Johnston , RI

    thanks.. yea it was some seriously fucked up shit this girl did to me.. and i do accept part of the blame for it..i let a lot of it happen thinking things would change and get better.. but my lesson in this , is that people generally dont change for somone else.. they have to want it for themselves.. and in my ex-gf's case.. she doesnt want to change.. she is content with the life and lifestyle she has to live ( which has proven to be struggle to survive, becuase she doesnt want to work for what she has , and jump from man to man to help support her , untill their money runs out.. then its time to find the next one)

    ultimately it took her best friend of 20 years to talk to me , and tell me what she is about , and how she works.. to get me to wake up , and see it all. and see i was heading down that same path that her children's fathers have gone down .
     
  25. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2003
    Messages:
    55,923
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Tough. :hs: You need to move on and forget about her. I know you want to be involved in her life as much as you can, but if you continue to do this, the emotional pain would prolong itself and eventually become a big nasty scar. Stand up for yourself, she did you wrong, and you deserve the best for your future.
     

Share This Page