LGBT The difference between experience and baggage...

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by mamoru, May 15, 2005.

  1. mamoru

    mamoru New Member

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    So I think maybe I'll throw out a little something to people in their teens and late 20's, and 30's...hell, even 40's...

    I have no clue where this post will go, or if it will even relate towards to topic, but here I go.

    Firstly, we all have baggage - whether from family life, home life, relationships, work, school, etc. It's all a matter really of how you handle it, how strong you can make yourself to overcome what seems so trivial at this point in our lifes (mine would be staying in an abusive relationship for many years, when I could have walked away any time I wanted...and it took it's toll on me, up until recently, where I broke free)

    Now, you need to ask yourself How can I take all the baggage I've accumulated throughout these past few years, and apply them to a knowledge database in my head - something that triggers the next time I walk into such a situation - so rather than fall into the same cycle, I can LEARN from past mistakes?

    The key here is learning. If you don't learn from your past mistakes, you fall back into abusive relationships, depressions, etc...Don't drink milk if you're lactose intolerant. The end result is chapped. Let's just leave it at that :mamoru:

    A lot of this also has to do with applying a sense of value to yourself. You need to understand that "the one that got away" ultimately hurt you, or wasn't for you, and that there are plenty of fish in the man-sea, at least a few with whom you are compatable with.

    Now, here's the hardest thing for me to learn, which I picked up easily once I really thought it through.

    "I don't need to date now, I don't need emotional fullfilment at this time, and once I'm settled into a lifestyle (work, home, etc...) - perhaps that is the best time to find a suitable mate, someone in a similar situation. "

    It's a lot more complex now. Stop thinking you need to "be" with someone constantly. You don't. Especially if you're in your 20's. You have a lot of other things you should be focusing on, such as securing a life for yourself. Men and women come and go, but YOU are always with yourself until you die. Take care of YOU first. Everyone else comes next. TRUST ME on this, for I spent most of my life living and placing others first. People in general are ungrateful, and do not appreciate. Impress yourself before impressing others. If you don't, you'll live a miserable life wondering why it is you give so much of yourself, yet receive nothing in return.

    Now here's what I also thought about. When wanting to date, I always wanted to find someone like myself (but never did), my age, because that means they'd have less experience, and wouldn't have been around as much, and so on...but, I never found that. So I dated something similar, and realized how fast the conversation fizzled. We had nothing to talk about.

    At this point, I ultimately realized that I'm more comfortable settling with a lover when I'm much older, maybe late 30's or 40's (even though ideally, I'd love to meet someone and fall in love, and spend the rest of my life with them). WHY? Because they'll have 38 years of their life to tell me, little by little. The places they played, the places they've cried, and where they spent their 30th, and who they dated, and who they hurt, and who they loved, and so on so forth.

    I used to think "I need to find someone NOW and stay with them forever" But that's not what I want, now that I think about it. I'm not interested in your highschool life, or what you did for summer camp. WHY? I because I did it too. I don't need to be repeated to. It is once we actually LIVE life that we have worthy instances to talk of. Aside from promiscuity, I feel that is why relationships at our 20's don't last all that much. We have little to talk about - so they pick topics like Madonna and Paris Hilton, and the relationship dies.

    As I grow older, I realize more and more. It's great. I love this life, and the way things work. I'm not perfect, I didn't know all this a few years ago. We all make mistakes. I wish I did know this a few years ago - it would have saved me a load of heartache. But like I said, it only makes us stronger as long as you're willing to learn from it.

    Now, when I'm 40, and meet someone who is 40, we have 80 years of memories to share with one another, 80 years of combined experience to share, 80 years of just combined "stuff". Then, we can together MAKE another 40 or 50 years of memories. Maybe it'll happen when I'm 30, or 25...who knows...maybe it will never happen. I'm willing to continue learning from this life.

    So why not date someone older now? Because I can't give someone 40 years of my false experience. I need to make it on my own. I *could* date an older man, but, to me, as mature and amazing as I am *cough cough*, I have more important life issues to focus on rather than holding back someone who is older. As mature as I'd like to think I am, we all have drama, and I'm not selfish enough to want to bring someone down with me as I rise to the top (If that made sense?)

    Hmm...I'm not sure that last part came out correctly. I'll keep it there in case anyone understands.

    Just keep learning...and don't fall into the same traps over a guy. It's never worth it. We're worth too much to have other people destroy our lives as such. :hug:
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2005
  2. mamoru

    mamoru New Member

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    Damn, all the parts I've bolded didn't come out correctly...I'll edit it later.

    edit: went through, added some stuff :)
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2005
  3. NOVAJock

    NOVAJock Modded & Underrated

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    This is one of the best, if not the best threads I've read in here. AWESOME job Mamorou.

    You're a lot wiser than expected for your age.:o
     
  4. mamoru

    mamoru New Member

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    Hey, thanks so much Rob! I'm trying to relay a lot of my views out there to people who may or may not already know them. I've got a voice, a lot to say, and I'm thankful enough to know how to formulate experiences in my head, and infer all these different kinds of situations to try and advance my life.

    Sometimes it brings me up, sometimes it drags me down...but I'm gifted with a healthy mind, body and soul, and I'd like to try and preserve what it is I have - and to never EVER let anyone hurt me.

    You know I've been hurt - you've heard enough from me these past few years that would probably make you want to strangle me once you smelled my man-ass scurry across the New Hampshire border. I cried and cried and complained and complained because I did not know how to handle it all - I didn't have a guide. But it was BECAUSE of these pains that I created my own guide - my own philosophy. The kind of thoughts that bring me through those scenarios. The kind of thoughts that don't tell me how worthless I am, but rather, how precious I am, and how it is I could better myself, and help others better themselves as well.

    It took a while for me to learn, and as I too look through my agonizing posts in the random thoughts thread, I stop and think "At my worst, that's still not me. That's still not who I AM". Ask Monica, ask Chris. They've seen the real me. I've shown them the real me. The unreal me is a result of automation...I write depressed thoughts because that's all I've been doing for years - to the point where I fooled myself into beleiving it.

    Well, no more. I've broken out of my rut. And I want people to show the REAL humans behind their misery. There's no reason to be miserable, because we all have problems.

    For instance, you Rob, you're a great guy with whom I have conversed with for a few years. Knowing what you went through - it placed you somewhere that you (as a ethical, kind, intelligent human being) should never have been. It integrated feelings of pessimism that doesn't show your true self. But you're pulling through it. You've got your methods to handle things.

    I hate to see good people get hurt like that. The way you got hurt, the way I got hurt. But we know we're the good guys in the end. Sometimes I get crazy because I can't help the good guys. That's the way life goes.

    It's interesting to see how it is we functions as humans. Through my few years of not serial dating, and not hooking up, and really keeping true to myself, I've spent most of my time just examining people. Examining their interactions. Speculating what they could have done differently, or if I would do the same.

    If I was head over heels in love, I wouldn't have stopped to breathe the fresh air. The real me is now. There are too many fake people - willingly fake, or unwillingly fake. Fake doesn't mean "I only buy labels" or "No sweety, your ass looks fine in that!" Fake means walking around in misery. Fake means living your life as a lie. Fake means not living up to your true potential.

    I don't know each and every person who will read this. For all I know, you're immoral, unethical, and whatnot. But, this has nothing to do with that. This has to do with being content with yourself. BECAUSE IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH YOURSELF, THEN YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY WITH OTHERS... And that's the damned truth.

    Thanks for the kind words Rob. When do we get to go to a pride fest together in NH/Boston? :x: :boink:
     
  5. NOVAJock

    NOVAJock Modded & Underrated

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    Eventually, we'll both find someone that deserves us. :o

    As for Pride Fest, whenever you want. I think I'll be here for the Boston one. Not sure. I have to check the dates again.
     
  6. mamoru

    mamoru New Member

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    That's the way to look at it, in my opinion. And to be honest, there isn't anything selfish about knowing your worth. Finding someone that deserves you is the way to look at life. We've got so much to offer.

    As for pride fest, seriously, look at the dates, see when is good for you, and I'm taking a fung wa bus up to Boston for the day (maybe stay there for a night before just to get the full day's worth in).

    Let me know :big grin:
     
  7. mamoru

    mamoru New Member

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    I should reword what I said about "being at my best" (meaning, being at our best) because it's somewhat wrong to look at the past and think that you were at your prime.

    I should say, the people who knew me, knew me when I was different. I always strive to be better and do better than my current state. When future people cross paths with me, they will see me how they see me, but I'm always going to do my best to be at my best. Little changes here and there, but to still keep true to myself.

    "We have changed, but we're still the same..." - Gwen Stefani.
     
  8. GND

    GND BBP! OT Supporter

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    :bowdown: I can totally relate to putting yourself before others. It doesn't end up doing anything but eventually hurting you.

    I love you Edmond and I seriously miss you!! :kiss: :love: :hs:

    I really needed to read something like this.. esp. with the "unspoken" relationship or whatever the hell I'm going through with someone much younger than myself.
    I'm realizing that I'm not going to let my emotions get the best of me b/c he's got a lot of growing up to do as to where I've been where he has to go.

    It's tough to get out of the "putting people before yourself" or "caring about other's feelings without them really caring as much about yours" stage and I'm in my late 20's :o BUT, I refuse to let anyone take advantage of me and I refuse to be someone's "2nd best" :)

    I'm a huge communicator, and if my partner, S/O or whatever is not then it makes things that much tougher and almost to where it's not worth my time if you're not willing to talk about important things. I also feel like in some way I'm wasting theirs. Granted it may not be important to them, but it is to me.

    I listen and talk to people/friends all the time to where it may not directly involve me, but I give them the ear and the feedback that they need. I'm always there for them or at least I try to be. I expect that in return from them as well. Your true friends are the ones who will listen to you talk about any and ever type of random or bothersome topics and pick you up when you're down....etc.
     
  9. sholnay

    sholnay New Member

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    Thank you for taking the time to write that out.

    Very good life experiences and information there. I just wish it was as easy done as said or typed =/
     
  10. mamoru

    mamoru New Member

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    I love you too Monica...you're a great gal pal :love:

    It's funny, how we know what it is we should be doing, yet we still fall into these same traps, and they aren't so much destructive, but they are time consuming. For instance, we spend so much of our giving pieces of ourself to other people, and though the act of giving is not destructive, rather, seeing all that we give being throw in our face and discarded is time consuming and ultimately a waste.

    It's hard to not want to give. It's in my character. It's in your character as well. I LIKE to give. I LIKE to pleasure. I LIKE to talk about things with my partner...it's only a matter of finding someone who likes to give as well.

    I used to think taking is an act of selfishness. I was taught not to take. But at this stage in my life, I'm going to give all that I could, and take in just as much. There is no half assed way to do it. You get what you give, and you'll be happy. Any other way, and you set yourself up for destruction.

    The same way with friends. Once I realize that my advice falls on deaf ears. I move on. I cut my losses. I LOVE to help people, help friends, help strangers. I may be full of myself, but there is no denying that I have a certain quality about me that loves to give.

    I won't however, waste my time anymore on people who don't listen. I can only say so much. I've had friends stick by methrough thick and thin. I've had "friends" leave me at the sound of a drama pin drop. The ones who stood by me, and helped me through my toughest times are part of the reason I am so strong today.

    I don't sit and wonder why it is I am so emotionally disconnected. I let life run it's course and live up to all my moments. No more creation of drama. The only dramatic part about this is finding people LIKE ME who also desire the drama free lifestyle, yet at the same time, and can take like for what it's worth and make the best of it. People get so consumed in their own worlds that they lose what it is to be alive.

    Don't lower yourself to deal with immature individuals. You're a beautiful woman with an AMAZING personality - you too can fish in that man-sea and find someone...but sometimes, it's the catch that jumps from the ocean into the bucket that's the keeper. Don't look for love, cause it will find you.

    Shit, I sound like a goddamned self help book. I'm soo ADD that I can't even read a self help book!

    Seriously...value yourself, and your time. Poeple come and go, but time, it just goes. Every second of your life is wasted if you are consumed in problems that you are strong enough to overcome.

    Communication is a big key. But you also don't like to hurt people's feelings Monica. I know you well enough that you don't have that malice in you to step up to the plate, and hit back the truth to someone. That's not bad. You just don't want bad pitches coming your way. When in a relationship, you can communicate well, but you need to BE in a relationship in order to communicate. Anything else is just white noise compared to your true desires of finding love, companionship, whatever.

    It's coming babe, I promise. If it doesn't, looks like you and I have some breeding to do...
     
  11. sholnay

    sholnay New Member

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    you are just full of all sorts of golden nuggets.

    I like to think I am a pretty giving person, and also very carefree - im not sure if carefree is the same as drama free, but there is definitely no drama in my life - and I refuse to be apart of any either =/
     
  12. mamoru

    mamoru New Member

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    I try to be filled up with more than just golden nuggets :mamoru:

    Carefree and dramafree are a bit different. If I wasn't so busy with all my school papers, I'd explain it in detail. Carefree suggests that you have no cares for anyone/anything. You live life day by day, and other people have little or no effect on you.

    Drama free is the ability to make decisions that keep your life in check, and out of useless trouble, in a nutshell.

    I wouldn't want to be carefree. I care too much about too many things to not want to care at all. I care about how I present myself, who I hang out with, my health, my friends, my family, maybe a lover one day. Drama free - it's awesome when you can cancel plans on a friend because of a legit excuse, and not have them hate you for it. That's drama free. People who hold grudges tend to have a load of drama in their life. In that sense, I'm carefree. Even after all the shit I went through, I still don't hold a grudge, but moreso, I don't even care for him anymore.

    That's the difference, to sum it up...
     
  13. sholnay

    sholnay New Member

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    okay, im more of that then =)

    I didnt really think of a definition for carefree, but im more carefree in the dramafree sense =)
     
  14. GND

    GND BBP! OT Supporter

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    :hs: and :mamoru: at the same time.
    At times, yes, I don't tend to hurt people's feelings, but I am very blunt when I need to be and I expect the same in return. I'm a true believer in the whole "tell me how you feel and don't sugarcoat it b/c I wont"
    In other words I'm only malicious when provoked and it's usually rare b/c most of my good friends know when not to step over into that area unless it's necessary. :sad2:
     
  15. RenaultFreak

    RenaultFreak OMG

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    aw fuck Ed, we have talked about this before and you got me here again, I completely agree with most of it, when you said that we all have baggage I completely saw myself there, not in the same way as you but I have my baggage, trust me, my baggage makes me feel like the worst person alive, like that stubborn patch of dirt you see under the glued carpet in old apartments, mostly because nothing I do can clean up this mess, I can only live trying to hide it, hoping someday I'll forget about it and move on. Sadly I get a reminder of this on a daily basis, I see it everywhere and it's so g*d damned painful to see everyone loving they mothers and then I call mine and I get what I get, the scary feeling that I want to tell her to forget about me. It's horrible I don't deserve most things I have.

    Then reading through it I glanced one bit that made me feel worse, I live by the "help yourself first so you can help others later" dogma, sure it feels good to be your priority but sometimes it won't cut it, sometimes you need to give everything (and I mean everything) for others, certainly that feels better. I can't still take myself to do that either. Now I feel like the dead cockroach beneath the layer of dirty glue under the carpet in teh old apartment. I'm too egocentric and selfish to do any better.
     
  16. RenaultFreak

    RenaultFreak OMG

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  17. RedGoober4Life

    RedGoober4Life New Member

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    carp. Renaultie...I can sympathise with you on the "constant reminders" of the not so great past. But they're just reminders, and if I wasn't reminded I'd likely forget how stupid I was in the past. The different between "experience" and open wounds is having actually learned from the past..
     

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