The decision I have to make

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by buriedtreasure, Jan 14, 2007.

  1. buriedtreasure

    buriedtreasure New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Okay, this is going to be long and there's really no way to make Cliff's about it. So, if you want to read, then read on and please let me know what you think.

    I'm going to start off by describing two people (both guys) and then I'll explain my situation.

    Guy #1 (we'll call him Clarke):

    Well, Clarke and I got out of a 7-month (5 months officially) relationship at the beginning of December. We broke up because we both just evolved into different people than the ones that we fell in love with. Like, the Clarke that I fell in love with was the guy that spread rosepetals all over his room and lit candles for no reason. The one that came over when I was sick, even if he couldn't afford to be sick.

    We kinda had a rocky start to our relationship, but fell for each other very quickly. But, then we both changed somehow. We would break up around once a month. Well, he would break up with me. Usually it was for stupid reasons that could've been taken care of/handled without a breakup. But, I would always stick around and wait for him to come back (sometimes even beg for him to come back to me). But, he wasn't really the same person that I fell in love with any more. He no longer cared about pleasing my parents (whom I live with and are very important to me), showing any affection to my nephew (whom my parents and I have custody of), and just little things like that (which are small but are important to me). It was just like he didn't care if something was important to me any more. If he didn't want to do it, he wouldn't.

    Well, after several months of this, I guess that I subconsiously started pushing myself away. I mean, I was still in love with him by all means, but things were just difficult. I felt like we were fighting all of the time and that when we weren't fighting that we were making up. The funny thing is that our fights weren't even over big stuff. They were normally over little things that we would just nitpick about.

    Well, one day he decided to break up with me, but not really tell me about it (aka changed his MySpace to "single" and take off all of the pictures of me). Every time that I talk to him he tells me how horrible he feels for being so stupid. He told me that he didn't really want to break up with me, but that he was just frustrated for some unknown reason and made a mistake.

    But, by that point, I had pushed myself too far away. I was too hurt and I just couldn't do it any more. So, I made myself move on. I went out with friends, I got back into my old routine, and I met new people. I started "talking" to someone who I'd known since before I met Clarke, but things just didn't develop into anything.

    Clarke started to try and push himself away from me. He'd call me mean things and try to make himself hate me, but I always knew that he didn't mean what he said. I know that his anger and frustration didn't give him and excuse to act like that, but I could understand. (That was probably because I had acted the same way at times.) We started to dislike each other. Then I met...

    Guy #2 (we'll call him Thomas):

    Well, Thomas and I met through Clarke after Clarke and I broke up (during a time that Clarke and I had thought about getting back together, but just couldn't). We were just introduced and never thought anything of it. But, I was out at a car meet a few weeks later and saw a 1g (Laser) that I really liked and asked a group of people who's it was. Well, turns out that it was Thomas'. We started talking about what all he had done to it and just kind of hit it off from there.

    Let me make something very clear. Thomas and Clarke are not/were not good friends. They had talked a few times and hung out (as in called each other to hang out) like once. Okay, moving on...

    Any way, Thomas and I just hit it off. He was everything that I'd wanted in someone and more. He's great with my parents (my mother loves him), great with my nephew (they play together every time Thomas comes over), and treats me like a princess. I really couldn't have asked for more.

    It made it really easy to move on and have a great "relationship" (I put that in quotes because we were never official) with Thomas because Clarke wasn't being very nice to me.

    The predicament:

    Just recently, as in withing the past week, Clarke has come back in my life. This just so happened to be right around the time that Thomas and I were going to make things "official."

    Clarke has been showing me in every way possible that he wants to be with me. I was sick the other day and he showed up at my house with crackers, ginger ale, and a movie. He told me that he won't stop at anything to prove to me that he's the person that I should be with right now. The person that he's being right now is the person that I fell in love with. But, it's hard for me to believe that he's going to be that person from here on out. I just don't know how I'm supposed to believe that what happened last time won't happen this time.

    Therefore, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride. My heart and my head tell me that Thomas is right for me right now. He's everything that I want. But, a lot of my heart still misses Clarke because of all the good things that we shared together.

    So, most of me really thinks that I should be with Thomas and all of me believes that he's what's best for me right now (not to mention the fact that dating him would be a lot easier, such as not having to completely rekindle relationships with my parents like Clarke would have to). But, I've never seen Clarke so passionate and so adament about anything in the (almost) 9 months that I've known him. It just makes me wonder why he feels so strongly that he's the one for me, therefore causing me to doubt myself.

    To sum things up, I'm scared of making the wrong decision. I'm scared that I'm going to choose one person and then regret my decision, or find out that I made the wrong one. What would you do? Any advice?

    (Thanks for reading if you actually did. Sorry that there wasn't any Cliff's. I just didn't feel like I could get appropriate responses without explaining a lot of stuff.)
     
  2. lauren

    lauren Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    38,880
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Palo Alto, CA
    cliffs: dates/dumps incompatible ex every month for 7 or so months yet is still too hungup on him to sucessfully date another guy
     
  3. buriedtreasure

    buriedtreasure New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Way to not read the damn story...
     
  4. lauren

    lauren Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    38,880
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Palo Alto, CA
    ok, so technically you had bitter, heated fights and he dumped you....and you begged and groveled.


    what else did i miss out?


    face it, this shouldnt be an issue at all. and you shouldnt be dating anyone if you arent over your ex. i fail to see a delima.
     
  5. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2006
    Messages:
    916
    Likes Received:
    0
    Your relationship with Clarke was characterized by a pattern of conflict, his making immature signs that he wishes to break up (the MySpace thing?:greddy: ), and then comes back to you currying your favor and affection.

    You know this is what is going on right now, he's coming on just like at the beginning of your relationship. What leads you to believe that in a few weeks the two of you won't be broken up again?

    I agree with lauren to give yourself a little time to get over Clarke, or guys in general. What needs do you have that cause you to jump for a guy who you used to fight with all the time?
     
  6. fray

    fray New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Messages:
    5,282
    Likes Received:
    0
    I agree with everyone above. It sounds like you and Clarke just had a repeating pattern that you weren't happy with and pretty much said you were unwilling to accept. Who cares if he is acting great now, chances are he has not changed, is just doing what he knows will get you back (since chances are you have told him on numerous occasions the things that would work and that made you fall for him the first time), and then things will settle into their normal routine.

    Thomas on the other hand has shown promise, you get along with him easily and things seem like they could work out better than with Clarke.

    Clarke already had his chance. You made a good effort to move on...keep moving!
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    Bleh, I hate when I read stories like this because the answer is SO obvious, but people talk themselves into the blatantly wrong decision.

    Clarke is not good for you, you are NEVER going to work out. This "Thomas" is a good match for you, however, if you are still harboring feelings for "Clarke" you need to spare Thomas because he is a good guy who cares about you and you don't need to fuck up your relationship with him so soon by thinking about getting back with that other douche bag. Use your head.
     
  8. Lateralus

    Lateralus New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2001
    Messages:
    5,953
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Midwest
    Just move on and see how things go with "Thomas".
     
  9. OoOlAlA

    OoOlAlA New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2006
    Messages:
    596
    Likes Received:
    0
    Stick with guy number 2. Clarke will not stay the way he is acting now. Past fights will keep occuring. He just wants you now because he sees that you moved on with somebody better than him. Please ignore him and dont let him make you feel bad. Guy number 2 has done nothing bad to you, you will build up good memories with him also.
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,752
    Likes Received:
    0
    The answer to the first guy is right in the first two paragraphs. If he is breaking up with you every month...why do you think that it is going to work out?

    There's no choice here. You have a laughable choice between a loser who breaks up with you every month, and a decent guy. See how it's not really even a choice?

    Go with guy number 2
     
  11. buriedtreasure

    buriedtreasure New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    So do you guys really not think that people can change?
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,752
    Likes Received:
    0
    I do. But the fact that his whole "breaking up with you" thing went on for once a month for 5-7 months kinda shows that you guys probably just aren't compatible.

    He could change, but from the behavior shown by BOTH of you in the past...odds are you've got a set pattern. It's probably better (and easier) for you to just move on and start fresh.

    otherwise you could just keep playing the "this time could be different!" game. It's not worth it to keep throwing time and energy into a relationship like that.

    And as for how things could POSSIBLy be different: He could change. It's a slim possibility, but he could. However, in order for a relationship with him to work, you are both going to need to identify the problem in your relationship.

    WHY did he keep breaking up with you?
    WHY did you keep taking him back?
    WHAT is he doing to address these problems?
    WHAT are you doing to address these problems?
    WHAT will you do if it happens again?
    WHAT will you two do to prevent these things from happening again?

    Unless you and Clarke can identify, and have strategies to deal with your previous relationship issues, IT WILL NOT WORK.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    It's not going to work. Maybe for a while he would be all sweet again but eventually he'd probably just turn back into an immature asshole, and you're never going to trust him the same again anyhow. Why not start fresh with a new guy who makes you happy?
     
  14. lauren

    lauren Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    38,880
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Palo Alto, CA
    not someone who uses breaking up as a bartering tool, and not someone who relies on hysteronics and extreams when they dont get their way.
     
  15. buriedtreasure

    buriedtreasure New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    I guess it's just hard to see Clarke do things that are the same sort of things that made me fall in love with him. Should I just distance myself from him? Should I just delete him from my life?

    He has told me that he will stop at nothing to show me that he is the best thing for me right now. I keep telling him that I think that Thomas is best for me, but he thinks differently. I ask him "why?" and he just tells me that he knows and that he's going to show me that he's still the guy that I fell in love with.

    Why he kept breaking up with me: He had only been in one serious relationship before. Well, in that relationship, the girl that he dated and him never fought. Any time that they would disagree on something, they would both just let it go. I am a firm believer in getting problems out in the open when they arise, instead of letting them fester until a bigger problem is created and someone explodes. Well, his answer was either to ignore our problems (which really wasn't possible because I would get upset if he wouldn't talk about things) or to break up. You can see which one was chosen more often. He just came into our relationship thinking that fighting was a bad thing. Contrary to popular belief, it's not. It's healthy for a relationship if it is handled in healthy ways.

    Why I kept taking him back: The fact that I was head over heels for him, the fact that I have confidence issues and he always reassured me of myself, the fact that he meant more to me than anyone had before (I have had 2 serious relationships prior to this one), and who knows what else. Honestly, I don't know why I didn't stand up to him at some point or another. I pretty much showed him that he could walk all over me. And he didn't, at first. But, in a way, I can't blame him for doing it later on. He was having his cake and eating it too. He had a wonderful girlfriend (I'm not trying to kiss my own ass, but I am a damn good girlfriend) who he could leave and be mean to and time and time again, she'd be there.

    What he is doing to address these problems: Clarke has been very adament about admitting that he screwed up and took me for granted. He's proven to me, by showing me how bad he wants me back, that he knows what he lost. For a while, I thought that he just wanted someone there. (Now I know better.) He's told me that things will be different if we ever get back together. He reminds me every day that he is so lucky to have me in his life and that he's not going to screw that up. We've had a few long discussions over our "conflict resolution" issues. We've realized that we have two very different ways of handling conflict and we've also realized that there needs to be some collaboration there (not compromise) if we ever get back together.

    What I am doing to address these problems: See what I posted above.

    What I going to do if it happens again:
    I've told him that this is the last time. I've had this big fear of "not knowing when to just let go." I told him that if I do decide to give him another chance that this time is the last time and that if it doesn't work then that just sucks.

    What we are going to do to prevent these things from happening again:
    If we do decide to get back together, we will apply the "addressings" listed above.

    Anything else?
     
  16. lauren

    lauren Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    38,880
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Palo Alto, CA
    what do you want to do?
     
  17. buriedtreasure

    buriedtreasure New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't know.

    I feel like Thomas is what's best for me right now. I know that a lot of that has to do with the fact that my head and my heart agree to that. But, I think that it also has a lot to do with the fact that being with Thomas would be easier. But I know that what's easy isn't always right.

    I'm just afraid of making the wrong decision and would like some advice/opinions...
     
  18. weakone

    weakone New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2003
    Messages:
    24,490
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ny
    You're basically answering your own question, over and over and over. This first guy treats you like garbage. To him, you're expendable, because that's how you made yourself. Like you said, you would always take him back and sometimes begged for him to come back. Now you're his comfort zone. He knows you're going to take him back, so he can treat you however he wants and then kick up the charm and you're going to swoon for him. You need to break that habit, because it is extremely unhealthy and, like it or not, he is just going back to you because you're there. He may seem adamant and blah blah blah.. but, if he had always felt like that, he wouldn't have continually broke up with you. He is immature, and that is not going to change. As you said, the easy way isn't always right. The keywords there are: isn't always. Which means that it can be, but may not be. You have to find that out for yourself. Guy number 2, Thomas, seems like a decent guy. He's already developed a rapport with your family. Clarke fucked that up in a nice, extreme way. Thomas has developed a rapport with you. He's treating you like a princess. You're debating between someone who treats you like royalty and someone who drops you and goes back to you whenever he pleases? Consider your relationship with Clarke a learning experience and move on, because it's unhealthy for you to remain in that relationship and to hold yourself back from one that may be good for you.
     
  19. buriedtreasure

    buriedtreasure New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks for the good and honest advice :).

    I guess it's just hard because I feel like I'm giving up on him. I guess that I have to realize that I'm letting go and not giving up.

    Now, do I keep him out of my life or what?
     
  20. OoOlAlA

    OoOlAlA New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2006
    Messages:
    596
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yes keep him out of your life. Your thinking about this way to much. Just give your attention to "thomas" and stop thinking about everything else. Your making it worse for yourself.
     
  21. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2006
    Messages:
    916
    Likes Received:
    0
    You talk about yourself having "confidence" issues, Clarke doesn't sound that stable of an individual himself. Not in a drug user kind of way, but he isn't confident in himself as an individual, which adds conflict to any relationship he's in.

    It's good that you've looked at some of the issues that created problems in the relationship, such as dealing with conflict, but I don't see how he's done anything to demonstrate change (which is something that's hard to accomplish in a month and a half). Telling you he's screwed up and that he's lucky to have you in his life doesn't prove anything. Wife beaters do that all the time. Talking is good, but again, if he's doing so out of desperation, is that really a step forward (and if just talking is a step forward, is that enough for your relationship because he will believe that what he has done to resolve this conflict with you is all he will need to do in the future).

    Last two things, I'd urge you to take a break and take time for yourself. You didn't really talk about what led you to take him back (and you don't need to post that if you aren't comfortable), though you did mention confidence issues. I think that understanding why you took someone back who couldn't hold up their end of the relationship, and what you did that allowed him to walk over you will be important for future relationships (not blaming you for his bad behavior, but in every relationship each person plays a role, you need to understand yours).

    Very last thing (promise). If you are just going to be with Thomas because it would be "easier" than don't be with him. It isn't healthy for you or him or the relationship that the two of you may have at some point to enter into a relationship because it is convenient for you at the moment. It may be harder to be alone for a while, but it may also be better in the long run for the reasons I discussed above.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you well. This sounds rough for you emotionally.
     
  22. buriedtreasure

    buriedtreasure New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    It has been rough emotionally. I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster between this and some health problems. But, shit happens, you wipe your ass, and you move on

    Let's see, things that demonstrate change: He's now very considerate of my feelings and has quit being so damn selfish. He does sweet stuff (like bringing me over ginger ale and crackers when I'm sick, instead of telling me "I can't come over because I don't want to get sick"). He's working (slowly, but surely) at becoming on better terms with my parents. It's not that they hate him, but they just think that he has NO social skills because he would never talk to them. So, he's trying to work on that because he's finally starting to realize how important it is to me.

    Nothing in particular has really led me to "take him back." I have never been a person to shun someone out of my life. I mean, I still talk to someone who I dated for 10 months that cheated on me, verbally abused me, and walked all over me. I have NEVER been one to burn bridges. When he decided to play nice and quit acting like he didn't care, I let him rekindle our friendship.

    I guess it's hard to let him go because we have been through A LOT together. I mean, my parents considering a divorce, them getting custody of my sister's kid, I got in some legal trouble, major health issues, and different stuff. I guess I'd feel bad to open that can of worms on someone else, lol.

    Honestly, I don't even know if I would get back together with him. He knows that he has A LOT to prove to me before I would even consider it in my wildest dreams. But the predicament that I am in right now is whether or not to let him prove it to me, not really who to choose. I love him a lot and he knows that, but all good things come to an end. I just know that if something is meant to happen that it will find a way.

    I am not considering dating Thomas because "things will be easier." Yes, I do realize that it would be easier, at this point, to start fresh with someone new. But, that is not the reason that I am considering dating him. He is a wonderful guy and I enjoy every minute that I spend with him. He is everything that I am looking for in someone.

    I DO NOT want this to be a pissing contest between the two of them. Thomas keeps telling me that he'll lose if it turns into that because Clarke has a good 7 months of memories on him. I don't think that's true because there's also 7 months of bad shit.

    So do I give Clarke a chance to prove whatever he wants to prove to me or do I just tell him no and move on with my life? The bottom line that it isn't about chosing one person over another. I've never really done what's best for me in my life because I've always been too considerate of other people's feelings (i.e., sticking around with Clarke for so long). But, I guess it's time for change...
     
  23. buriedtreasure

    buriedtreasure New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Oh shit, I'm in a pickle. Both Thomas and Clarke want to hang out tonight. I've told Clarke that I'm not sure that I can do this because I do have strong feelings for Thomas, but part of me also wants to give him a chance and see if he really means what he says...

    WHAT DO I DO? Fuckkkkk...
     
  24. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    Oye vey. How about throw the good guy aside, go out with Clarke again....and then in 2 weeks when it starts to fail again don't come crying in here.
     
  25. lauren

    lauren Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    38,880
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Palo Alto, CA
    :rofl: i can imagine why clark refused to argue or discuss things with you
     

Share This Page