So I just sent this to my friend who just broke up with girlfriend. They had been together for almost four years. I thought some people here at OT might get something out of it as well. I changed the names and locations of certain events to protect the identity of those involved with the story. I realize that you are going through a lot. I just wanted to shed some of my perspective on things through my own story. I hope this helps alleviate some of the emotions and feelings you are enduring right now. You are always welcome to call or stop by if you need anything. I remember when Jessica left my life very clearly. When I was a youth minister a lot of my kids during retreats would want to hear my “relationship story”. It had become infamous for its shear tragedy. I guess it was because they all knew me, but it also made them feel better to know they were not alone in dealing with the emotions and self-doubts that follow a major break up. I was very lucky that I was with friends when she “officially” didn’t want to see me anymore. I was with Tony, Soren, James, and Anna at the University of Minnesota’s Coffman Memorial Theatre seeing the movie “Saved”. My phone rang and I saw it was Jessica calling me. The two weeks prior to this moment we had been talking about possibly getting back together. She said that she “didn’t know what came over her””. So jst what happened before that phone call? Jessica had dropped out of the University of Minnesota the year before, since she couldn’t keep her grades up. She applied to Aveda Institute and began learning cosmetology. It was an intense nine month program, and when she was just about to graduate she had already gotten herself a job at a Salon in the western suburbs equipped with heavy traffic. I was just starting my first year at the University of Minnesota and moving back into James’ home. The beginning of our troubles came with so many life changes for both of us. I moved, she moved, I started a new school, she started a new job and graduated! Girls are especially fragile when it comes to these life changes. I once heard a statement that men have midlife crises, but women have small ones when they move, change jobs, or someone close to them passes. Women, in some ways, are creatures of habit, with a need to feel security. I answered my phone outside of the theater and her voice was broken and trembling. I already knew what she was going to say before she said it. It all began when she first started working at her new job. She was working with people that were in their early thirties to late forties. They all urged her to consider being single, not because of me, but because they thought she was too young to settle down. I do agree with this statement now, but I didn’t like hearing about it at the time. Two weeks into working there, Jessica was invited to a gathering in Excelsior for drinks after work one Saturday night. She said she was going to decline, but I urged her to reconsider since it would be good for her to see other people other than just me all of the time. She went hesitantly, and called me about 9PM to tell me there were all going downtown to have a good time. I asked her to call me when she got home safe, and to have a good time. I woke up about 4AM, and knew something was wrong. She didn’t call. She always calls. Is she hurt? Is she too drunk to call? Is she passed out? I called her and got no response. I reluctantly fell asleep figuring there was nothing I could do since I didn’t have any of the other girl’s numbers that she went out with. The next morning I woke for church. I attended every Sunday with Jess and her family. I called her and she answered with a groggy voice: “Hey, yeah… ummm… I think I just want to go to church with my family alone today… is that ok?” “What happened last night?” I asked, “I was so worried that you were hurt or something” “… Slight rattling noise in the background of her phone… nothing then…” “Did you hear me? Are you ok? Are you mad at me or something?” I was getting nervous and frustrated now. “I’ll call you after church… *click*” She hung up the phone. I thought “What the hell?” For awhile I sat their confused with the phone still to my ear. Did she feel guilty about something? She never talks to me this way! She called me after church as promised. “Hello” I said, “are you feeling alright? Did you get to church, or are you hung over?” “Yeah” she murmured, “Did you go to a different church instead then?” “No, I was worried and waiting for you to call.” In truth, I sat on my bed in the same spot until she returned my call. See sighed for a long time, and then began, “I met… someone… long pause… I kept my promise to you though! I didn’t sleep with him, or kiss him, or anything!” Long ago, we promised each other that instead of cheating on the other person, we would instead call to inform the other the situation. “I wanted to… though…” I felt the ground leave me behind, and was falling upwards, sick, deflated, defeated, crushed and confused. “Are you going to see him then?” Did I really want to know the answer I questioned to myself? What if she does? “Mmm… Probably.” I knew this was the answer though. Of course she would. Why even bother asking at all? What did I do? Why is she mad at me? “What did I do?” I questioned with baited breath. “Hmm… another long sigh … Nothing at all honey… You didn’t do a thing actually… Sorry.” She hung up the phone, and I didn’t hear from her again for a week. It was my first week at the University of Minnesota. I didn’t hear a damn thing the professors were telling me. I couldn’t sleep at night. I couldn’t deal with the rejection and how much it hurt. I spent more time, and money, that week drinking with friends every single night; waking hung over and unwilling to attend classes. It wasn’t until that Friday that when I called her she actually answered. I was leaving one of my classes, and tried to sound as un-phased as possible (I remember wishing I would’ve yelled something like, “You bitch, my heart hurts so much and I still feel like I’m going to throw up! Fucking slut! What the fuck is your problem, can’t get enough cock!?” Instead I answered the phone with an overly-happy tone: “Hey-a babe, how-ya doin’ today? Haven’t talked in awhile, what’s new?” “Good, you sound good!. I’m glad you called because I was wondering if you’d like to get together tonight, hang out maybe?” “Sure, I can show you what I’ve been workin’ on here at school!” We discussed when and where and hung up. I was so happy, it was over! We could move on now! I’m sure you can guess it. It was a booty call, all because the other guy she met had never bothered to call her back. Enter Mr. Punching Bag to the rescue! It wasn’t makeup sex; it was her thinking of the other guy while I was there. We decided to get dinner afterward and started driving towards a restaurant in the western suburbs. While she was driving, her phone began to ring and I asked her if she wanted me to answer it. This was normal, since if her parents called who ever wasn’t driving would answer so her parents wouldn’t worry about our safety. I pulled out the phone, and read the name of the caller. I had never heard of “Sam”? “Who is Sam?” I asked. Immediately I fought feelings of jealousy, Sam is a girls name as well I told myself. She just stared with a blank face looking down the road she was driving. Her eyes were huge, with expression of pseudo-concealed excitement. “That was the guy from last Saturday, isn’t it?” No answer. She quickly detoured down another street, pulled her car up to a city park. She then looked to see if she had a voicemail, and it confirmed her suspicion immediately with a “ding”. “Get out of my car,” she said in the most serious tone, “I’m going to call him back now.” “Are you fucking serious!?” I knew she was though. “OUT!” she glared in my direction without even an ounce of remorse, pity, or guilt. She had made her decision; it was Sam that hadn’t decided to try things yet. I felt so stupid. After a few minutes her window rolled down, and she told me to hop into the car. She began driving me back to my place, to drop me off for the night. Our date was over and it was 5:30 in the afternoon. She dropped me off at the bottom of my driveway, and drove off to her place. I decided to not give up without a fight, so I drove over to her place. If nothing else, I was going to take that opportunity to say “goodbye” to her family. I got to her door about 20 minutes later, and her dad opened the door. “Hey, sorry we missed you for church on Sunday,” he continued, “I heard you were not feeling to well though. You feeling better now?” “Yeah, much.” I replied in an attempt to disguise my confusion. Why did she lie to her parents about church last Sunday? This is getting stranger than I thought it could. “Jessica is downstairs getting ready to give me a hair cut” he said. I headed downstairs immediately to find her on the phone, looking perplexed and angry I was there. ”I gotta go, he just walked in my room.” She hung up the phone. Stared with a blank face and then said, “what they hell are you doing here?” I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye just as I had practiced in my head while driving there: “I’m not just going to just give up! We’ve been together for four years! Shit, you’ve been planning our wedding! What did you expect me to do, give up? Fuck that!” “Keep your voice down!” She commanded, “I’m cutting my dad’s hair, and then I’m leaving.” When she did start cutting his hair, I made my rounds. Saying hi to her sister, mother and then finishing my tour by talking to her dad as she cut his hair. She left that night for Excelsior to see her friends. I left for home deflated– but not before getting his number out of her phone while she used the bathroom. “What the hell am I going to do with this” I thought, “call him?” It wasn’t his fault. I got home. Later I decided to see if she was with friends. I grabbed my roommate’s car, a baseball hat and headed there. “What the fuck,” I thought, “I’m not some sort of spy!” It didn’t look like she was there, but I had to know for sure. I decided to ask the manger is a big group of girls was there. He responded, “buddy, if there was a large group of girls here, would I be standing here?” His sarcasm didn’t help the fact that she lied again. Flash forward back to me standing outside Coffman Memorial Theater. She then told me it all. She had seen him. They’ve gone on numerous dates. She liked him. She said that he looked kinda like me. They’ve been physical together a few times already. I couldn’t take it. I burst into tears just as James, Anna, Soren and Tony walked out of the theater looking for me. I told her to have a good life, and thanked her for having the courage to break up with me on the phone after being together for four years. I hung up the phone. She was gone. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t like feeling physically ill, when there was nothing wrong with me physically. I learned that love is a drug. You get addicted to it in the beginning. Just like a drug, you become not just dependent on it, but you require more to get the high. Eventually, love is comfortable because you’re addicted, you’re so addicted you don’t even know it. Just like any other addiction, you need higher doses in order to feel the original high. When the drug is no longer is supply, the withdrawal is horrific. I changed. I slept with whom ever, whenever. I drank all the time. I didn’t care. I stopped attending my classes. I bought a fucking car to take my mind off of it. I tried to fill that withdrawal with anything that would fit. Nothing did. Nothing replaced her. I started getting counseling free through the University. The thing that I learned, that still sticks with me today, is the concept of free will. In any relationship, healthy, failing, or even brand-new you have to let go them. You have to allow the person to exist, whether you love them or not. If they want to be with you, they’ll stay. If they don’t, then fine. That is their choice. It also wasn’t until I embraced being single, that I finally met someone that also had the same perception of life. I truly feel I lost my soul mate, even to this day. That doesn’t mean I’m not over her, on the contrary, why can’t people have more than one soul mate? If you couldn’t, then what happens if your soul mate was born in India, Madagascar, Scotland or Brazil? Are you going to meet her then? Probably not. It was through counseling I learned the healthiest people, are those that get help. To attempt to deal with things on your own is far too hard. You’d never expect someone to quite any other drug alone, so why is this any different? Friends are important. No matter what their life experiences have been, they are relationships that make you a better person. Their perspectives and beliefs are key to our social infrastructure. Without friends, you’re alone. Humans have never been designed to be alone. Most importantly, time is the key to healing. It wasn’t until about a year-and-a-half later that I finally had moved on, excepting that she’d never be back in my life. It was about that time that she stopped returning calls to our mutual friends. This story doesn’t have a happy ending, but my life is happy. Don’t keep yourself in isolation, instead ask yourself, “who do I want to surround myself with?” You will form so much of your personality in these next coming months. Make sure you improve yourself instead of harming yourself. Good luck bud! If you need anything, let me know.