SRS Telling your S.O. how you feel

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Falconer, Jul 7, 2006.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Telling your S.O. how you feel **Update post 22**

    If you remember from my other thread, my gf of 6 months is giving me mixed signals that alternate between "i love you so much and can't imagine my life without you" and "I think I need some space." She's been cheated on before and she's afraid to fully open her heart again, basically. I'm crazy about her, but she's driving me crazy at the same time.

    Is it a good idea to just sit her down and tell her how I feel and try and talk through everything (how I love her but what she's doing is driving me nuts and putting a strain on our relationship), or is that a bad idea... and I should just give her space and leave her alone?

    I can think of pros and cons for both approaches. Personally I'd rather sit her down and talk to her and sort everything out cuz I hate not knowing what is going on with stuff, but I dunno.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2006
  2. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    I say give her space..

    Telling her that you love her and can't live without her and making her feel guilty for being unsure of things, might make her feel obligated to stay with you when deep down that isn't what she wants. Also, she may feel attacked. It sucks to say, but you kind of have to give her space. She has to figure out how she feels on her own and all you can do in the mean time is love her the best you can. :hs: Good luck.
     
  3. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Do not spill your guts and become clingy, no matter what you do. Be calm, cool, and collected (The Three C's) and give her the space. If "space" means that she is open to see other people then you'd better tell her that it means you can too, and that you plan on it. Otherwise she will lose respect for you because you showed her that she can walk all over you.
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    If you can't have a conversation there's something really wrong. it doesn't have to be a confessional, i.e. "spilling ur guts".
     
  5. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    That's more along the lines of what I was thinking.

    We do kind of have "communication issues," and part of the reason I'm so annoyed is that we (she) can't really talk about what's going on with us. I honestly have no idea what she's feeling sometimes, and it's driving me nuts. THAT'S what I want to talk about.

    I also kinda want to say something like "you've been doing x, y, and z, and that's confusing me, so what's going on?" As much as she may need "space" because she's "confused," I also feel like I owe it to myself to figure out wtf is going on because I am seriously going mad.

    And to me, if she wanted to discuss something I would be totally willing, so is it wrong for me to expect the same thing in return?
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    edit - how do I approach the subject? I don't want to just go "hey, we need to talk..."
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    A good relationship is all about being together, but still letting eachother being able to do their own thing, if she wants space , just give it.
     
  8. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Can't? Or doesn't want to? I'd say she doesn't want to talk about your issues. Based on what she said about "needing space" I get the impression that she is no longer "there" in the relationship. It looks to me like she's slowly trying to figure ways out to end it. That's usually what it means when someone decides they want space.

    If they come back and say how much they love you one minute and they need space the next, then you can pretty much conclude that they do not love you. That's not how love works. Nor is she some innocent confused person. Have you ever been in a relationship that was amazing and you were in love, but then one second you want space apart then the next you can't stand being a part? No. So what is really happening here?

    I would say that she is no longer in the relationship and wants out. However she could be hanging on to you as a back up for a number of reasons. It's not so uncommon. She could be looking for someone else but doens't want to be single, so she'll ditch you when she's found the replacement. She could be hanging on for material reasons, or emotional support, or maybe out of habit. It could he that she feels guilty that she isn't attracted to you since you've done nothing else wrong.

    Whatever it is, she's not there and you should end it IMO. I would. If someone mentioned to me that they wanted to take time apart, I would break it off. A ideal relationship doesn't have "breaks". You simply work or you don't work. A working relationship overcomes problems, they don't need space to be single for an extended period of time.

    What do her actions tell you?

    That's confrontational and it's boring. Too much drama. If she isn't willing to talk it out with you, she isn't the one. YOU be the one to end it.
     
  9. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    That last line I don't get.........If a working relationship OVERCOMES problems then why couldn't THIS relationship overcome THIS one??? You tellin him to run away from the girl and relationship does not solve the problem. Its just basically picking the easy way out, isn't it???? I think he should find out the root of the problem. She wants space because she has been cheated on before so why not ask her to define what exactly does "space" mean???
    How often do you see this girl???? If its every other day then reduce it to the weekends. If its every day then reduce it to every other day.

    I think this guy should not tell her his feelings all at once.
    What he should do is reassure her that he will not cheat, lie, or do anything to hurt her feelings. Make it very clear that you would never do any of those.

    Have you ever expressed your feelings towards her and told her or hinted how you feel??? If you have leave it at that. You told her once, twice, four, ten times before so she should know by now how you feel. Don't say it again. The occassional "Love you" after a conversation is fine tho. But no more spilling your guts/heart or whatever out.
     
  10. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Sometimes I do kinda get the feeling that she's not "there" in the relationship anymore. Normally when someone says they need "space" I agree, it's over. But because I know of her past, and that she's scared to fully commit again, I've been more accepting of the drama. She is totally awesome and so I'm willing to put up with a bit of crap if it would all work out in the end.

    I'm almost wondering if I should just end it, as you said. As much as it would break my heart, it almost feels like the right thing to do at this point. I'd at least be interested in seeing her reaction. Seriously tho, she's gorgeous and I know she could get whatever guy she wanted whenever she wanted, and thinking about that kills me inside (don't worry, I wouldn't do anything psycho). Sometimes I think she feels the same way, tho... once when we "broke up," as she was sitting there ending it, she was crying and saying "I can't imagine you holding anyone else the way you held me." I'm like what a weird thing to say as you're breaking up with someone. We ended up getting back together a few days later...

    But it's not fair to ME to have to put up with all this shit until she decides what she wants...

    This is probably karma.

    edit - There ARE some things we need to talk about, however. I feel like sending her an email and saying like "hey, we need to talk tomorrow." That's probably a bad idea, but whatever.
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2006
  11. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    As a "boyfriend" isn't it your duty to be by her side and help her along whatever she needs or wants to figure out???

    But i read that you guys HAD already ended the relationship once before.....so it just makes me think what the hells goin on here??

    What else is in her past? Abuse? Physical? Emotional?


     
  12. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    That's what I said! Sometimes she freaks out and wants to be alone, tho.

    That's what I'm trying to figure out.

    As far as I know there has been no physical abuse in her past. I know she has been cheated on in at least 3 serious relationships, however.

    I posted another thread about it, but basically things will be going really well and then she'll freak out and say she wants to be single or needs some space, and then the next day she'll call me crying about how much she misses me and can't imagine her life without me. I'm sure this is because she's afraid of being hurt again.

    It annoys me that I'm dealing with the baggage left by other guys, and it kind of makes me sad to think that she was more willing to give these other guys her heart and they fucked her over (I was wondering if I should mention that to her).

    I really love this girl and I would pretty much do anything to be with her, but I'm torn between wanting to talk to her and find out wtf is going on but possibly ruining everything by not "giving her her space," vs. just chilling out and seeing what happens. Honestly tho, it's driving me crazy and I'm not sure how long I can wait. Like I said, it's not fair to ME to be fucked around with until she figures out what she wants.

    The other thing that bothers me is she says stuff like "well after having been cheated on in the past, now I'm more willing to just give up if things get tough." That actually brought on a "breakup" one day... I told her that if she's not willing to work through things with me when things get hard that I couldn't do this anymore. She's all "I can't promise you a future" and basically ended it, altho she was crying the whole time about how great out time together had been and how she can't imagine me holding anyone else, etc. Then the next day she txts me and asks if I want to talk about things and try to work them out. WTF?
    And if you're really in love, shouldn't you know it? I wouldn't think anything else should matter, but maybe I'm just a romantic :sadwavey:
     
  13. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I've just been in a very similar situation, except I cheated on her and told her yesterday, she is devestated, mostly b/c she feels betrayed... I didn't go all the way, but did it mostly out of fear, insecurity and the need to feel loved by someone else.

    She broke my heart and told me she felt there was no chemistry, its been up and down and a roller-coaster but I knew for the longest time she wasn't there... her mind was elsewhere her heart elsewhere, she's been confused about herself what she wants, out of a man out of life etc...... She's been hurt so bad before to and also was affraid to go there...

    I wasnt ready for a relationship either, coming straight out of one for 2 years, it was easy to use her and love her instead of giving myself the attention i required.

    Sometimes she would also say she wasnt ready to imagine me holding/touching someone else, but that is nothing but fear, its not love its fear and attachment, its them wanting you to themselves because they feel you care for them so much, it makes them feel loved b/c they havnt been giving them selves love...

    I havnt been giving myself the attention I deserve either, she's also gorgeouse and can get any man she wants any time... I guess it comes down to the fact that if she doesnt want you or has some different ideas about relationships, chemistry , love or what ever have you then its best that you are not together.

    We live and grow, people come into our lives for a reason.

    If she needs space, your best bet is to give it to her, relationship, "couple" bond.. these are all just words, words of "ideas".. they dont represent reality, reality is that we are ALL connected, and all free, we never own one another and are never trully fully together, we all have our own dreams and paths and we just happen to play well with some people who may be on a similar journy while others may not...

    We often are scared of facing ourselves and instead fall madly deeply in love (so we think) with someone because they contain attributes or qualities we want, we lack or havnt been giving ourselves... so instead of loving ourselves all of our attention gets redirected to being around them, showing them how much we care about them, possessing them, requiring them to feel good about ourselves.....

    Love really is being able to LOVE FREELY and FREE LOVINGLY...

    It's funny, b/c my now ex also freaked out very often, cried to me, but then regressed and wanted to be alone, I often felt like she was scared to open up to give her heart, she seldom would admit it but she would... sometimes she would just say she didnt feel we ever had a real chemistry and maybe made better friends that she's been forcing things... out of fear perhaps out of liking my qualities, its complicated, we all are... people who are lost, people who dont love themselves and people who dont know what they want from a relationship or out of life, are going to take you on a roller-coaster, and thats what has happened to me... I'm working on forgiving her, she's taught me much.

    I have had sexual abuse in the past, and she well physical abuse... its def been a hard journy, but we grow, and so will you...

    Maybe we're both romantics, but true romance is love and true love is freedom, true love is loving and respecting YOURSELF :) You have given to her, and now set her free... things all work out for the best and the way they are meant to happen. From all the signs she doesnt sound like she should be in a relationship right now.......
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2006
  14. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    ^ You're right. That does sound a lot like my situation. As much as I love her, I'm afraid my relationship is just about over. We talked a bit yesterday and it didn't really go well. I guess I'm just trying to hold on to what used to be there. It sucks. Aside from not knowing what she wants, this girl was perfect. I could completely imagine her being my wife, and she would even joke sometimes about "when we get married, let's get such-and-such..." I dunno. I don't joke like that if I'm not somewhat serious.

    At any rate, it really does feel like her heart's not in it anymore. You're right. I should set her free. I guess maybe if we're meant to be then it will work itself out, right?

    :wtc::wtc::wtc:
     
  15. To sustain the quality of relationship you seek, your romance must needs be reborn every day. You can not "set her free", but you must recognize that she and others are unconditionally free at the bottom of it all. You should look also at turning what sounds like a dependance based romance into a healthier interdependant one.

    But keep in communication; it is your own doubt that is creating the dissonance in your relationship with her. Let it pass, give it time. Choose again.
     
  16. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Women will always joke about something like that, because they want to see your reaction, they test us all along the way ;) move on my friend, better and greater awaits you, learn from this, but allow a next experience into your life.
     
  17. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    This sounds like that BS "IF you love something set it free...if it returns...Blah, Blah, Blah" Sentimental horseshit is what that is.

    If your girl can "get any guy she wants" (which usually is not true) and she "wants space" IMO this means she's waiting for the bbd (bigger better deal). She also might be trying to sort out her feelings but very often girls want to play the field just like guys do...but they want the b/f incase noone else asks them out.

    If this girl is "perfect" for you and you can't talk like adults about this then....SHOCKER....she's NOT perfect for you. Ending a relationship because ppl are trying to sort out their feelings is rediculous. You are trying to apply logic to emotions and often that fails. Be patient with her if you truly love her....I mean why not wait around for her to make up her mind??? I mean if she perfect, it's not like you'll find better so you might wanna wait out the storm.

    However, if it's been going on the whole relationship...might be time to move on. I dunno.

    OH and don't believe that crap about she gave her heart to her exs but she wont give it to you....she's saying that to get a reaction out of you...IMO. It may be completly false.

    You'll know if it's time to move on or not. If NOT, why not give her space. Tell her how you feel but give her all the space she needs. IF you get restless or bored or w/e...you can make a decision to move on also.
     
  18. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Does she seem to be willing to work things out to you? That's not the impression I got so I don't see where you are coming in with this. If they had problems but both were willing to overcome it, then that's how a good relationship works. This girl doesn't even want to talk about things, there is no good communication. It's clear to me where this is headed.

    Why? He doesn't want space so why does he have to continually play the victim? No, I say he's been the victim long enough. Time for him to step up and take control. Say what his limitations are and let her know that if she crosses his limitations then it's over.

    She knows that. Nothing this guy has ever done has gave off the impression that he would cheat. That is not the problem and would do nothing to change the situation at hand.

    No matter how much your heart, your feelings, your respect gets drug through the dirt? No way. There are limitations and this guy is not her slave. If she wants space what that says is that she is not devoted to the relationship. No one who has a high interest level in their partner would be asking for space outside of some extreme circumstance-and that isn't the case here because Falconer would know. She simply isn't THAT interested in him and he is being drug through the dirt. It is not his job to convince her that she likes him enough to give this relationship a go. It is his job however to stand up for himself and respect himself. It's past time to do that.

    She doesn't have to be a victim of abuse to be acting the way she has. She can easily be acting like this from lack of sufficient interest, or maybe she's just a difficult person. Those are far more common than some sort of past with abuse and problems. Considering that Falconer answered this question and the answer was no then that shows this is among the more common problems of her not being that interested in the relationship.

    To Falconer, I'm sorry to say but it's time to cut her loose and move on. The good news is that there are far better women out there for you than her. Looks aren't everthing, in fact, over the long term personality is far better than looks. As good as you may have thought this girl was, she clearly is not. She can't see what a good guy you are and she's dragging your heart through the dirt.

    True love isn't as simple as you love the other person, it requires you loving yourself, and making sure you are treated with respect. If your partner isn't fulfilling their end of the bargain then it's time to find someone who will. Someone more worthy.
     
  19. JJDiri

    JJDiri New Member

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    Sit her down and talk to her.

    If you give her space, she may feel that you have become distant, and that what you felt for her is diminishing. It may seem unbelievable, but it can happen.

    EVERY relationship [EVERY SINGLE ONE] has some problem where things come to a standstill. You can't be afraid to talk to her about how you feel, otherwise things will NEVER work. I solemnly believe that talking to her will give her insight on your feelings about which she may not have known before.

    If you love her like you say you do, you shouldn't let her have her space. You have to be there for her at all times, and you have to make sure she knows how you feel.
     
  20. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    :bowdown:
     
  21. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    ^ Thanks.

    My gf and I talked last night and decided to take a "break" for a week. I am not optimistic, because usually a "break" means a "break up." It basically went like this:

    I went over to her place to talk and she was all hugging and kissing and being all cudly with me, telling me how much she loves me and "doesn't want to lose me." She said she feels guilty cuz she's been hanging out with me a lot and missing out on her friends (which I totally understand, because I kinda felt the same way). But, I told her if she was feeling like she needed her space, maybe we weren't supposed to be together. So she's like "I feel like I just need some space to figure out what I want." She goes "can you give me a week?" I was like "sure" (what else was I supposed to say?).

    As I was leaving she kept hugging and kissing me and starting to cry, and we talked a little more. I said "ok, call me on Monday (which will have been one week)." She's like "this won't be the last time we see each other... I promise." Then she was like "can I call you before Monday?" I said "of course, but don't call me just to talk. Call me when you know what you want." She goes "if I call you before Monday it will be a good thing."

    So, I think she's been flirting with this other guy, and I'm a bit worried about that... if we talk next Monday, I'm going to ask her if she did anything with any other guy(s), and if she says yes, then it's over for real. Seriously. I want a gf who wants to be in a relationship with me and doesn't get curious about who else is out there. I'm concerned because what would she want to do that requires being on a "break" that she can't do when she has a bf?

    So anyway, that's that. I'm pretty upset/worried/concerned/whatever right now. I mean I just want her to be happy, but I hope that she wants to be happy with me.

    So what do you think? Is there a good chance she's into some other guy or something? Is there any hope for us? I told her this was the weirdest "break up" ever, since we were cuddling and kissing and saying how much we loved each other, etc. wtf?

    But even tho we're on a break, is it wrong of me to say I'll end it if she does anything with another guy right now? Cuz to me that would still kinda be like cheating given the situation, right?

    edit - I don't know if I mentioned this before: I'm 25 and she's 26.

    edit 2 - I updated the title in the orignal post but it didn't change on the forum. Why is that?
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Change the title in the first minute.

    If she hooks up with another guy without letting you know in advance that she's been on that path, then she's not treating you well. Love aside, you need to be treated well.
     
  23. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    To me Falconer, it looks like you are far too much of a pushover. You are a victim of the situation because you allow yourself to be. The feeling of helplessness that you feel over this situation is because you sit back and let her make the decisions without ever standing up for yourself. Example being this break situation and she says "Can you give me a week?" and you say "Sure." What does she need a week to figure out? She either wants to be with you or she doesn't. What's suppossed to happen during this "week" of "break time"? Another guy? A last week of freedom to do what would make her feel guilty of doing is she was "in a relationship?" Sorry, no way buddy. If it were me I would not give her a week. I would tell her that I will not be in a relationship with someone who needs to take a week away from me to figure out whether or not she wants to be with me. I'd then walk out and end it on her. Sorry, but my idea of a good relationship doesn't include someone who has to take time away to decide whether or not I am worthy of dating. She'd be launched by me.

    Is there a good chance that there is another guy in the picture? I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised, but there is no way of knowing. You didn't give enough info. But if there is, I sincerely hope you end it. It's only been 6 months and there have already been this much drama.
     
  24. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I know. I'm being a huge pussy. But at the same she's been fvcked over before in past relationships and we got serious really quickly, so if she's overwhelmed or something I'd want to give her time to figure out what she wants. I don't want to force her into a relationship.

    But you're right... if she's not positive she wants to be with me, then wtf. I hate this. I wish I didn't like her so much.

    So what should I do now? I don't want to call/txt/email her and look like the creepy stalker guy. Can chicks be in love with someone but want to go bang other guys? wtf? She was crying and telling me how much she loves me and wants to be with me and doesn't want to lose me when I was over there yesterday, but she's like "I'm confused." WTF I HATE CHICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    She's all "I want to be with you but I feel like I need some space right now." Does that mean she wants to go bang some other dude and then come back to me for a serious relationship?

    And if we talk on Monday, I'm going to ask her if she did anything with any other guys... do you think she'll be honest? I'll ask her "what did you need to do that you couldn't do while you were 'in a relationship?'"
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2006

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