Talking to a girl who is still sad/into her ex-long term bf .. need advice

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Nev, Oct 19, 2008.

  1. Nev

    Nev Active Member

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    I began talking to this girl about a month ago...met her through a cousin. I knew going into things that she had just gotten out of a long term relationship and was feeling the typical feelings that one does after a breakup. So basically, I just tried to start getting her out of the house, having some fun, etc. Well, in my mind, she's an absolutely amazing all around person and extremely cute...she has soooo much of what I look for in a girl that it's just scary...so obviously I have grown to like her a bit.

    As far as her feelings for me, she's obviously scared to get hurt, etc and it is a bit early out of a 3-year relationship (I think theyve been broken up for around 2 months or so). She's really attracted to me and also likes me as a person. The problem comes in that she's obviously still really hung up on her ex boyfriend. It's somewhat understandable being 2 months out of a 3 year relationship, it just puts me in a tough spot as I don't want to get myself extremely hurt over the deal, because I can see myself falling for her. Like I said she does like me, and openly admits it, but she's also still stuck on her ex, and sometimes she's flaky about stuff..but she admits that aspect is there. For example, I asked her if she wanted me to back off a little bit, bc she'll get the occasional peck-kiss...and occasionally give. I used that as an example "want me to stop that kind of stuff?" to where she responded 'well sometimes I really like and it sometimes it just makes me sad and feels weird/different"

    That's pretty much how the whole thing seems to be. Sometimes she seems very very interested in me, and other times it seems as if she's purposely trying to keep distance from me. She did say that she wants to keep hanging out, but again I know that she is still in love with her ex. I don't want to completely set myself up to get crushed. How should I go about this situation?

    Ages are 24/23.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Whoa whoa, first of all, you and that chick long distance broke up?

    And yeah, hate to break it to you but most signs point to you getting hurt in this relationship. While I wouldn't say you are "wasting your time" hanging with her all the time you aren't really getting anywhere.

    She's not over her ex, you know that. You will be an emotional rebound crutch for her to use but I doubt it will get anywhere that you probably want it to go. Your best course of action is to separate yourself from her for a while. Tell her you really care about her but you know she's not ready for what you'd like from your relaitonship.
     
  3. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    from my experience, don't deal with her now cause she's fresh out of a 3 year relationship and frankly 2 months out of it isn't a long time.

    Be her friend, and tell her you'll be there when she's ready to move on and be in another relationship, but for now, she's just gonna compare you to her ex and that's gonna suck for you.
     
  4. Nev

    Nev Active Member

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    Ah ya, that didn't work out. I keep in contact with her from time to time and she's doing better in life, so that is good.
     
  5. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Damn, glad you didn't move there after all.
     
  6. Nev

    Nev Active Member

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    The problem is that it's hard to be friends and not get feelings for her at all, ideally though, this is what I had in mind .. its just hard to do.

    I also don't like the fact of telling her that i'll be there when she's ready, because holding up my life for someone is not what I want to be doing in such a rocky situation.
     
  7. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    The girl I'm with now was in a very similar situation to this when I met her.. She only dated the guy for about a year and they were broke up for like 6 months but she was still really hung up on it. We were friends for about 2-3 months before anything really developed between us. We'd see each other semi-regularly but usually with other friends around. When we talked it was flirtatious but I knew she still was stuck on her ex. We had kissed, she was 'with me' when we went out / went to parties, and a lot of people already considered us to be a couple, but things on the outside weren't the same as they were on the inside.

    There were a couple of nights seeing her that I remember feeling very distanced from her and it sucked. We ended up talking about everything and I told her that I understand her having feelings for her ex, and that I was willing to move slowly to accommodate her, but ultimately she would have to make a decision of whether she wanted to be friends with me or more than just friends. It took a couple of weeks but we're now dating and thing seem significantly better than they did 2-3 months ago (We've been dating about 6 weeks now officially).

    I don't doubt that she still thinks about her ex from time to time but I do not believe she is interested in him anymore. She doesn't try to call or text him like she used to, she doesn't have the nights where she seems upset but doesn't want to tell me why, etc. etc.


    The time frame you're working with is a much more challenging one than what I faced, however my girl is pretty emotional (and younger). I think that if you feel she's worth the wait talk to her about it and see what she's looking for exactly. Maybe she just needs to be friends with you for a while until she feels a stronger attraction and thinks about her ex less. You will need to realize that she is probably very serious about what she says so don't expect her to tell you one thing and then you be able to change it in a matter of a couple of weeks. I'm extremely happy that I waited, but I don't think that it's the course of action for everyone.
     
  8. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    This is why I mentioned what i did in my above post. I think giving things a couple of weeks to improve is reasonable but you should not pass up another great opportunity if it comes along. If you don't think things are changing for the better then don't invest as much time in her as far as looking for a relationship goes. This may work for the better because if she sees that you really can't wait forever and eventually you will move on she may realize how serious (or not) her feelings are for you. A lot of people think of it as the game of "making the girl miss you" but realistically, a lot of the time you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Don't lie to her, beat around the bush, or play games with her. Stay honest with her about your feelings and ask that she does the same with you.
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I just read the title of this thread.

    Abort dude. Nothing good will come of this relationship.
     
  10. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    You want a chick who is 100% interested in YOU, not her ex.
     
  11. jimmyjoe

    jimmyjoe Across 110th Street, You can find it all in the st

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    It will probably never work out for you and her, why... because every time she will see you, she will mentally see her ex-bf standing in the back drop, besides there are plenty of women for you to date, and have good times with.

    Don't waste your time on trying to get with women that don't want to be with you, only try to get with women that want to be with you, save yourself some heartache man!
     

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