SRS Taking off your armor.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SpectreMatrix, Nov 5, 2007.

  1. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Ok, so some of you are pretty up on the crap I have been going through the last few of years. I am still here:wavey:


    Well a quick update on things, I am still alive and scraping. Businesses are falling into line, family is sorting their shit out. Etc etc. All and all pretty :bowdown:badass.

    Started back doing tech work, getting my skills back. Did a few projects that made me :wtc: and :eek3: and :rofl:. So I am getting to the :fawk: to :bigthumb:. So thats good.

    Why am I posting? well.. when spending your time surviving and constantly prep'ing for the next scrap with life you just have to live with so many problems and issues.. and ...Just deal. My mind, body and spirit have been torn to shreds. Body is healing well, mind is coming back to true... That leaves the spirit.

    To survive shit you build armor, you become a tough son of a bitch. But after you have survived this trial, is it really necessary to keep all these weapons and protections? For day to day life is full mental/spiritual plate mail really what is needed? :o

    I am in the final stages of cutting through the layers upon layers of protection, trying to find the base elements that make up who I am. The damage and scaring is just .... insane. The more you let go, the more memories come rushing back reminding you of past mistakes and pains. :sadwavey: Good by past, you need to go back to where you belong. Only the wisedom and good memories need to press forward.

    Like in the restoration of anything of true value, it is expensive, sometimes frightening and always very challenging. After removing a lot of the bullshit, hitting myself with the honesty stick a few million times I am starting to feel... optimistic, hopeful.. free? I am finding myself more capable than I *thought* I was before. I say what I need to, when I need to. I realized that those who really care about me, will stay and love me even when they don't always like or agree with what I feel, say or do. Everyone else is pretty much shit out of luck. I care about people, but I am no longer going to be engaged in needless battle(less armor is require when you can end a battle before it starts ;) )

    An interesting thing, I never really .. lost my faith in God. But the connection was getting distant and muted. Thats no longer the case. The best way to describe this situation is .. having everything that you ever lost in your life, one morning, appear back right where you left it.

    *sigh* well I could write all night and this more than likely makes no sense to most of you and the rest didn't read past the first sentence.

    Losing your heart and soul while surviving isn't worth the cost. If you feel like you are, fight a battle thats worth winning. Bring back yourself, if you can survive.. you have more than enough guts to handle life even if it makes you :wtc:. If you don't throw your hat over the wall, no one will do it for you. And life will suck.
     
  2. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    How did you manage to erode away all that armor? I feel like there is no way to get back to "normal" without having someone as a base that you know you can always rely on no matter what. Growing that type of trust with someone seems impossible when you never allow yourself feel vulnerable enough to allow that person to show they can be trusted. I never ever put my neck on the line because every ounce of my being says it will be chopped off, sooner or later.
     
  3. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    So, what are you saying? That you never allow yourself to develop a relationship based on trust because you know you're going to get hurt?

    When I dove head-first into my last relationship, I threw caution to the wind. Now, I got burned, but if I had put up protective armor for my emotions, I wouldn't have experienced the highs (the highest of my life so far) at all. I wouldn't take back those decisions for the world.
     
  4. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    it wasn't the armor that eroded.. by not letting things in at all it was myself that was eroded. I became distant, jaded, bitter. What good is that ? Being hurt is just part of life, its what you do when it happens that defines you as a human. The more armor you build up the less the ones that love you can really talk to you.

    And don't you worry I have a spare set to put on in case of work or if some serious shit goes down, but I am going to be much more selective when I go full on battle-mode.
     
  5. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    werd
     
  6. deadmeat

    deadmeat Active Member

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    Good luck seeing it through to the end. I'm just starting and there's still big chunks of my childhood I don't remember because I chose not to a long time ago. The first step sucks, it's encouraging to see someone took the first step and kept going.

    Thanks
     
  7. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    its hard man, I must admit. You can do it and its totally worth it .
     
  8. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    To add a bit more to this thread. Things with this initiative of life change are going really well.. but there are things to consider. When you start removing limitations and barriers its really damn hard to focus at times. The more potential you have, the harder it can be to focus your energy on any one thing. Waking up dead or unused parts of yourself after years of slumber can cause them to come back with a fury. Its just stunning how much creativity and expression we deny ourselves as adults. And don't expect these things to go unnoticed.

    I was put in several challenging situations. Instead of going back into full weapons mode. I was able to slow the situations down and address the situations without much effort. One of these situations would have been much more stressful in the entrenched position I was holding.

    Lets get this clear though, there are some basic things that needed to be maintained. Keep your self respect, don't let people walk all over you. The key is to try to face down situations without relying on embedded responses built up from difficult and terrifying situations are your first line of response. Sometimes IT IS needed to go full out, to get into a full on knock out fight. The concept that I am reaching for is similar to how Judo functions. Not relying on pure strength to dealing with a difficult situation. But understanding the balance and unbalance of a situation and shifting to achieve a favorable outcome.

    Anyone else who wants to throw their hat into the ring in this thread, I would more than welcome it.
     
  9. LS1>

    LS1> OT Supporter

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