FRK Swingers, I have some questions for you all

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by TwistedMind, May 6, 2008.

  1. TwistedMind

    TwistedMind New Member

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    Okay, so believing that lies are bad i tell my girlfriend about this chic that just will not get off my nuts, keeps asking me to come over and fuck her NSA even though I denied her several times.

    A few days go by and since the girlfriend and I have already discussed a threesome, we end up talking about swinging. I brought it up, because this chic still won't back off, and I being a guy was wondering what it would be like to fuck her.

    I didn't say hey baby i would like to go fuck this girl.

    It was more of a so what do you know about open relationships, then it turned into a swinging conversation. Turns out she has always been interested in the idea and just never was in a relationship where the guy was okay with it, or wouldn't abuse it, so she never did it.

    So, its still just talking at this point, but from what we talked about, she is only interested in at this point in time to find a female for her to play with and for us to turn into a threesome.

    Shes gave the impression she would be cool with me going out and being with other people as long as she knows about it beforehand. IE no random bar hook ups out with the boys etc etc.

    Everything to this point sounds great, I have no problem what so ever with her having a special female friend just for herself, or should she feel generous to share with me.

    My problem comes with, once we start down this path IF we start down this path is what if her perogatives change? What if she decides she wants some strange dick, after we agree to girls only? Because I know without a doubt I am a huge hypocrite and no way I would be cool with another guy fucking my girl. It might be something I eventually overcome if we share a partner, ( a FFM 3 some for example, Which is totally her thing, she brought it up BTW) but I really don't know if I could ever get to the point to where another dude's dick in my chics pussy or mouth is going to be alright with me.

    Im apprehinsive that i will get stuck with a well, you fucked so and so, so I should be able to fuck insert random dude situation, and agree to it out of guilt and end up destroying a perfectly awsome relationship.

    Any advice from those with experiance? Bubba, and Lovely particularly ( Only couple I can recall that actually does this sort of thing )
     
  2. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Aww, how sweet :mamoru:

    I don't know if we really fit the mold, but thanks. A few people come to mind but, outside of Rouge, they do not tend to post much, so we will see if they reply or not. As for my reply, I just got home, so I want to relax a bit, but will try to respond later tonight :wavey:
     
  3. CaiWooBlue

    CaiWooBlue New Member

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    Ah... My husband and I are having the same discussion.

    We agreed, that whatever we decided now is the way that it is. We also made sure t9 bring up as many possible situations as possible. I know that me playing with a guy is not allowed, though he playing with a girl is. If I change my mind someday, and want a guy, I cannot get upset or offended if he does not agree, because it wasn't in the original terms, per se. It helps that I am bi of course, I am sure.

    Sit down and tell her exactly how you feel about the guy issue. Communication is VERY important in an open relationship
     
  4. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Meh, your comments intrigued me, so I can not wait :)

    So I personally think you are approaching this in TOTALLY the correct way. It seems you are not wanting to jump to anything and discussing everything up front. Far too often there are people coming in here stating what they are wanting but not fully understanding what they want. In addition, you know what your limitations/boundaries are. Just of note, I don't know if what you are wanting would be called swinging, unless you picked up a bisexual FF couple :mamoru: (which I have done and was SUPER FUN btw!!!). But, that is semantics and not really important and I am loser for bringing it up lol.

    Okay back on topic. I know this sounds stupid, but the prototypical 'communicate what you want' is important. I personally think that you not wanting another guy fucking your gf is TOTALLY acceptable; provided this is communicated with your partner. There needs to be an understanding before things begin that your limits are her playing with another woman and you playing with another woman. State that you understand the hypocritical component of it. That is, you can fool around but she can not. If she feels that at some point, the current arrangement will not work (her not being able to be with another guy), then you need to decide before you start whether you should even begin to do things. Then again, you could start doing things and a year or so from now, you might find a great couple that you click with and change your mind on her being with another guy. Might I ask what specifically you are against with her being with some other guy? I think the key is to understand where the opinion comes from. Is it an insecurity issue?

    As far as the acts, it is important to have rules set out PRIOR to the event. While engaged with other people you NEVER EVER (in my opinion anyway) overstep the boundaries that were set out prior. This is where problems can arise. The last thing you want to do is break the trust between you and your partner. No good can come from that. I will give you a scenario. We were with a couple (two women) and it was discussed prior that Lovely did not want me being with one of the girls in particular. There were a few moments where I could have done stuff and Lovely probably would not have found out (as we were in the other room). However, I knew that if I acted on it, it would not turn out well and it was disrespectful to my partner. So, personally as a rule of thumb I say you never change the rules midstream. After, when you discuss things (and you should, at least the first few times) you may talk about changing the rules and see what your partner thinks. I should also note that rules are fluid. That is to say, the rules for playing with Woman A might be different than playing with Woman B. In addition, your rules for playing with Woman A one night might be completely different than they are another night. It is all about security and comfort. Sometimes, for whatever reason, one is not comfortable with certain things some nights and partners need to be respectful of those boundaries.

    I think I answered things....but feel free to ask more, I like this topic of yours, so I would like to reply more :x::mamoru:.

    Personally, I think you will be rather successful in your venture. You seem to have a solid head about everything. You are talking things out, you want to go slow, you are taking your partners feelings into account and you know where your boundaries are. I think once you get some advice/pointers from people who have experience in this matter you will be fine.

    The biggest remark I can make is have fun, enjoy yourself and do not over analyze things. Also, when Lovely and I were first looking at this type of thing we were given words of advice that I have ALWAYS kept in mind. The other people you invite into your relationship are just toys. They do not mean anything. They are simply toys in your twisted sexual games that you are playing with your partner. The reason I bring this up is because of issues surrounding creating a relationship with people you play with (I mean beyond fucking). I think Rouge can comment on this more as she is actually in a situation where she has a relationship with the people she is swinging with. With Lovely and I, we have no attachment/relationship with the people we are playing with (well not anymore :mamoru:), so they are just sex toys. Yes, some are friends of ours, but, their purpose is to enhance mine and Lovely's relationship.

    Oh one last thing (I think I have said one last thing a few times now). I think Lovely would agree, our relationship has improved as a result of our playing with others. I know it sounds weird, but we have ended up more confident in our own relationship, more affectionate and more......well more everything. For those that it works for (and it doesn't for everyone), I think it enhances and improves your existing relationship because there has to be such solid bond between the couple for this to occur and there has to be such a high level of trust.

    Okay, I stop now and await your reply :)
     
  5. Lovely Atlantis

    Lovely Atlantis Luscious Lovely Lady!

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    You've actually got your terminology a bit mixed up sweetie. What you're thinking of is swapping- where two couples exchange partners. Swinging can take many forms where a couple has an open relationship.
     
  6. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Thanks for the clarification :)
     
  7. Lovely Atlantis

    Lovely Atlantis Luscious Lovely Lady!

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    Now... to reply to the thread.

    Like Bubba said, I think you're approaching this the right way. It seems like you've thought things out a lot and are doing some good communicating with your partner. I think your boundary of no men fucking her is completely acceptable. Everyone has their own limits. Even though it may seem a little hypocritical, it's something your not comfortable with and that's fine. She should be able to respect that.

    Having an open relationship involves LOTS of talking and LOTS of patience. Things don't happen quickly or overnight. Bubba and I have slowly been building up to things over 5 years now. And we're still not even doing that much with other people. Constantly talking about it and re-evaluating how we feel has made it easier. For instance, at the beginning I was very uncomfortable with the idea of him doing anything to another girl, especially without me present. Over time that has changed. At first I decided I would try it out with a close friend we've fooled around with. I noticed that it didn't seem to bother me watching him pleasure her. So next time I left the room when they were playing around and let them have fun alone. That was fine too. So things gradually change.

    Hmm... not sure what else to say. It's kind of hard to pin down from your first post exactly what your questions are. If you have any other things please ask. :)
     
  8. TwistedMind

    TwistedMind New Member

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    I agree communication is key. Thats why I love this sub forum, so many different experiances with people willing to share them.

    I wouldn't really call it a insecurity issue. Not in the typical sense anyways. I mean I know there are plenty of guys out there packing more meat than me. That dosn't bother me.

    I also know that my girl and I have an amazing sex life, and if it didn't change one bit I am completly fine with what we have.

    I think its mainly a mental thing, I just feel there is something extremly wrong with sharing my woman with another man. I don't have any good reason for it, its just the way I feel at this point in time.

    It's mostly because I care very much for her, if she was just some random girl I was dating to pass the time I probably wouldn't care at all, but with her our relationship is going places.

    Very good advice, talk things over after the fact, adjust rules as needed, clarify stuff that seems muddy.

    I should note, that we spent a very good portion of the conversation, discussing the amount of trust required to participate in these activities.



    This is one of the things I had already planned to discuss the next time we venture towards the conversation, that anyone we do play with is just a toy, a enhancment. While they are people and have feelings, as far as I am concerned they are discardable and expendable if it threatened the relationship we have.

    I also wanted to talk after the first time about if this is what we really want, and if it wasn't some misguided attempt at replacing something that is broke with our relationship.

    don't know what to say to that but im leaving it in anyways.

    This is not just something I want to do just to say I did. i want to do the threesome because its something she has always wanted and has never experianced.

    we are both interested in swinging, I see no reason to rule it out right off the bat so here I am educating myself on the subject.
     
  9. TwistedMind

    TwistedMind New Member

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    i suppose questions was the wrong word, i guess its more of a open discussion, thoughts, ideas, feelings, experiances, that sort of thing. i say this you tell me what you think, i or someone else responds and we gradually get the meat and potatoes out of the soup.
     
  10. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Well, as I said, I think you have the right mind set for things and are being very mature about the situation (something that people tend to lack). Also, educating yourself to see if it is right for you is great as well. As I previously mentioned (and others in FS have stated), swinging (in any form) is NOT for everyone. It works for some and for others it would be a destructive force in the relationship. I think that it would work for you.

    I do agree that you are a bit hypocritical as it is okay for you to be with other women, but your woman is not allowed to be with other men; however, that is fine. The key thing is, you are aware of this and that is all that really matters. In addition, you have (or are going to) express this with your partner. Thus, I really do not see it as a problem. In addition, as you have mentioned as well, this might change in the future (as it did for Lovely and I) and it seems like you are open to it given the right circumstances.

    I agree that it would be a good idea to discuss what you want out of your first experience. It is important to know what you want out of the 'relationship'. I think the key thing to remember is not to rush things. When your in the situation, it can be easy to get excited and want to do everything, however that might not be the best route. If done correctly, you will have plenty of opportunities as you go along, so there is no need to rush things and ruin future possibilities.

    Honestly, I think you will be fine, provided you go this route (make sure to keep us updated :))
     
  11. TwistedMind

    TwistedMind New Member

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    Do you have any horrible experiances to share? Bubba or lovely? Something you look back on and say geez wtf were we thinking?
     
  12. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    lol I have regrets that I did not take advantage of situations :mamoru: but that is a little different. Umm....hmm. I can not think of anything off hand, but I will chat with Lovely later (she just stepped out for the evening) and see if she recalls anything.

    All in all, they have been lots of fun. I could give tons of positive stories (like driving around town at 1am trying to find a place open that sold Whipped Cream to driving around and having the light hit the front windshield and seeing four breast outlines, to watching, from the backseat my brother and his gf fuck on the hood of our car)....actually that last one might be in the wtf were we thinking....but it was a lot more tame than it sounds :)
     
  13. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    ahh, you have now brought back great memories that I won't be able to get our of my head lol
     
  14. Lovely Atlantis

    Lovely Atlantis Luscious Lovely Lady!

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    Ok, cool. In the interest of 'education' then, I would recommend the book "The Ethical Slut". I'm partway through reading it right now and am finding it very informative. I know that many others on this board will recommend it too. It's a book about alternative 'open' relationships in their various forms and how to make them work. It also discusses the issues of how this lifestyle is viewed within society and how to deal with that. I think you'd enjoy it.
     
  15. Lovely Atlantis

    Lovely Atlantis Luscious Lovely Lady!

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    ooh my... yeah... we've had some interesting times. I don't think we've really had any "wtf were we thinking" moments yet. But I owe that to going very slowly. We haven't jumped into the deep end of swinging by any means. Instead we've slowly dipped in our toes and then eased ourselves into the waters. I'd say we're still in the shallow end of the pool actually. So we'll see as things go along.
     
  16. aim2kill

    aim2kill New Member

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    hm, bubba, lovely, thanks for all the information. I really want to try something along the lines of a threesome, and the SO is not opposed to other women (she finds them hott, and has no qualms doing anything with them, she just never has) but she has jeaolsy issues, and is NOT COOL with me and another girl. Any ideas on how to possibly work around this? we have been together alittle over 2 years, and im not tossing it away for that.

    i think there has to be some workaround, or way to 'step into it' per se' but im open for ideas..?


    sorry for the hijacking twisted! it was just i am in in a similial spot.
     
  17. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    At least you can admit you're a hypocrite. In my opinion if you want to fuck another girl there's no reason your partner shouldn't be able to fuck another guy at the same time. It's not human nature to be monogamous. You both want to experience something different and it's a little unfair for you to say that you can and she can't.

    However if you both agree to that then there's nothing wrong with it.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2008
  18. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    More details please... she will not allow you to touch the other girl AT ALL? I have friends that have a "no intercourse" rule like Bubba & Lovely but anything else goes. Perhaps she would agree to fingers and/or toys or just oral. Maybe for you, the baby step is just a double BJ with you letting your woman know how much you appreciate her expanding her boundries for you and you demonstrating your appreciation :naughty:
    See what she is will to do, try it and evaluate after. When she realizes that she is still the most important one, and that the sex is even better between you two now, she may be willing to expand the play.
     
  19. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    I'm not sure I have much more to add, Bubba; You and Lovely did such a nice job. Correct as usual, we do have a more than sexual relationship with our playmates which makes our situation a bit unique. I am always happy to answer questions..........I'm just a sharing kind of girl :mamoru:.

    As you can imagine, with 4 people and some pretty strong personalities we have had our trials but as with any type of relationship, we talked them out.
     
  20. aim2kill

    aim2kill New Member

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    im struggling to remember details, but i know she 'just couldnt stand to see or know i was having sex with anoter girl' so i know thats off limits, but i am not about maybe starting off from a bj or something. i think she would be down for oral/fingers all the way, but not sure:sadwavey:
     
  21. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I will respond to this once I get to work in the next hour :)
     
  22. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Though I understand what you are saying, I still think it is totally acceptable to have that rule, provided both partners are okay with that and it has been layed our prior. Everyone has their limits and for him that is where the line is drawn. Having said that, he did say that it was not out of the question, merely he is just not comfortable with that situation at this point in time. You should always go as slow as the slowest participant and if that is what is considered acceptable, then it must be honoured.
     
  23. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Happy to help and don't worry about hijacking, I do not think you are. Two people can ask questions in a thread :) Now, on with your questions

    Your situation is VERY similar, if not the same, to how Lovely and I started. Looking back, I would not say she had jealousy issues completely, but more she did not find it acceptable for me to be with other women (I guess similar to Twisted's view; only reversed).

    My first advice would be to follow Twisted Mind's original post. I think he is going about things in TOTALLY the correct way. Talk about things A LOT before you even think about doing anything. Next, take things extremely slow. As Lovely pointed out, we have been doing this sort of thing for the last five years plus and have only recently have I been totally able to do things with other girls.

    I suspect it is just a poor word choice, but I would try not to view it as 'how can I work AROUND this'. What you should be doing is seeing where the limits are and seeing how you can work WITH what you have.

    As you mentioned, your partner is very important and special to you and you do not want to jepordize that relationship for some silly threesome. Make sure to keep that in mind the entire time you are planning AND doing things.

    I will tell your right now that if she is not comfortable with you being with other women and you care about the relationship, DO NOT BE WITH OTHER WOMEN; at least at first. Respect your partners boundaries. The more you respect those boundaries the more you MIGHT see those boundaries move. If you want to ruin things, when your girlfriend is involved with the other woman, start trying to do things with the other woman. That will quickly end any hopes you have; plus you just don't want to do that anyway.

    In the end you have to understand that you might not be able to move those boundaries and you might not be able to fool around with another woman. It all depends on how your experiences go, how open your partner is to things and how much trust there is in the relationship. Again, just repeating what I said before, but I think the most important thing to take away is go slow and be respectful :)
     
  24. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    So, if you are not sure, ask :) So many people are afraid to ask for some reason...well I know why, but. Remember too that if you agree that you can do oral or whatever, make sure she knows ahead of time that she can change her mind at any point and it will be okay. For things to work, your partner needs to know that they have some control over the situation. Jealousy can become an issue when an individual feels a lack of control. If she has the power, jealousy should not be an issue as she will know that if at any point she becomes uncomfortable she can put a stop to things. This might also help you further down the road with moving the boundaries. If she finds that she always has the control over the situation and how far things go, she might be more inclined to try and move the boundaries (because she loves you and want to please you) because she knows that she can put a stop to things and you will be respectful of that and stop.
     
  25. Lovely Atlantis

    Lovely Atlantis Luscious Lovely Lady!

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    well as Bubba already said, your situation is almost exactly the same as how ours started out. He really wanted to play with two girls at once. Similarly, I was interested in other women but hadn't had much experience with them. So we started out with just getting ME comfortable with women. This was done slowly and the main time that I first tried any real stuff (fingering, sucking on nipples etc) with a girl it was just the two of us girls alone so we didn't have the pressure of Bubba there watching. It allowed me to discover on my own what I like and enjoy about being with women. Then I was more comfortable sharing that with Bubba.

    The first few times we did stuff with another girl as a threesome Bubba was merely a spectator. One time I sucked him off while I was doing stuff with the girl... but for the most part he just watched. This allowed me to get comfortable with the situation and see that he was respectful etc. However, he did state that he wanted more. And one of the reasons my boundaries began to shift was because I didn't want to be unfair. I felt like it wasn't right for me to get to have fun playing around with girls but he didn't really get anything. So I decided to compromise. I knew that it had been one of his biggest fantasies to get a blowjob from two girls at once. So the girl and I did that one time.

    From that experience I realized that watching another woman with my man really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was surprised that I actually had no problem with it. So we tried letting her and him do more together with me there controlling what was happening. Over time my boundaries have changed and I am now fine with the idea of some girl giving him a blowjob or him fingering her whatever while I'm not there. As long as I know that it's going to happen and have approved the girl it's ok. I guess it has changed through trust. I know and understand now that Bubba isn't wanting to do these things with other girls because he wants someone else. He reassures me that he would rather fuck me any day and that I am the only one he really loves and cares about. I think having that mindset that others are just toys has really helped decrease any anxieties.

    wow that ended up being longer than I expected... I'll leave it at that for now :p
     

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