SRS Suicidal best friend

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Ridonkulous1, Sep 21, 2008.

  1. Ridonkulous1

    Ridonkulous1 New Member

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    I met this girl a couple years ago. She's extremely intelligent, the funniest girl I've ever met, and a really talented and passionate person. We became friends almost the second we met each other and quickly became really good friends (she is one of my girfriend's best friends and is sorta like a younger sibling or a daughter to us). The problem is that, when we became such good friends so fast, she almost immediately began using us to combat her depression.

    Both my gf and I are really passionate people and we give whatever we have to the things that matter to us. She would have awful, horrible panic attacks. She would cry and roll up in a ball and convulse and scream. On several occasions my girl friend took her to the hospital for emergency care. My girlfriend would go to therapy sessions with her and her family. Both gf and I would stay up late talking to her and trying to calm her down and give her advice.

    But, over time, we realized that nothing was working and she wasn't putting in the effort that she needed to put in to make herself better. We went at it for months, giving her advice, being with her when she needed us, trying to talk her down when she was suicidal. We became her therapists. But, she still wanted us as friends too. She became very demanding. When we didn't bend over backwards when she was feeling bad she got really pissed at us and would essentially take out her depression on us, which upset us because we were the only two of her friends that were making an effort for her.

    Both of us are gone now. My gf and I are in college (different colleges close to each other) a thousand miles from her. We didn't know how she would react to losing both of us. But, she handles things differently.

    Now, she internalizes everything. She is on medication that makes her focus because of her ADD and also her Bipolarity meds. So, she basically does all her school work and all her theater and her college apps and shuns everything else. She will frequently text and shoot the shit and say that she is depressed and empty, but isn't proactive about getting help or even talking about it/venting.

    Is this a step in the right direction? It's good for her to have to spread her wings without us isn't it? We still love her immensely even though sometimes she takes us for granted. Has anybody been in a similar situation? What did you do?
     
  2. mandrew

    mandrew New Member

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    Honestly it is not your responsibility. As much as you may like her, you tried hard and she did not put in the effort. It's unfortunate that she may not be able to self-help, but that doesn't mean you should be dragged down as well. Hopefully the family takes care of her and she ends up getting better.

    I would move on as hard as that may be.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    A lot of woman are emotionally unstable.A stupid balanced brain can live a more decent life then A smart brain that's unbalanced.

    I have gone thru the same thing so i know exactly what its like. What you probably did was try to offer her solutions, as wel as offering her pshychiatric help, which are all well meant but completely useless, the medicines she'd be using acted just like symptom supressors not problem solvers.

    So I'll explain to you the solution and how twisted and fucked up backwards the female emotional mind actually works, the female emotional mind begs for two things.

    Understanding + Support.

    The moment she receives these two things, she'll find the strenght to deal with the problems herself.

    No matter how twisted you might think it is, just stick with this advice:

    Just simply ask her: What can i do to support you?

    She will fill that in what it is that she needs, and if you forfill that need = problem solved. And do that every time when emotional troubles arise from her side.

    I think you absolutely did the right thing by taking distance. Just keeping distance and staying nice to eachother is absolutely the most stable thing you can do. Otherwhise you'll get dragged along in her insanity, and you'll risk becoming insane yourself.
     
  4. Ridonkulous1

    Ridonkulous1 New Member

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    yeah that's what we had been doing in the months before we left. I think the problem was probably that we had been going way above and beyond what any person would reasonably do for a friend. In the last few months when she has said things like, "my life is so empty" or things of the sort I've just been asing, "What is bothering you?" or like, "What do you think is wrong?" and tried to be supportive. But, being so far away, I don't know what support I can give.
     
  5. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    rule #1, you can't help her if she doesn't want to help herself.

    rule #2, if someone doesn't want to help herself (sorry to be so blunt, but) GET THE FUCK AWAY. Because all you're going to do is get close to her and when she explodes you're going to get messy.

    Offer a few words, tell her she needs to help herself, and keep her at arm's distance. If she shows signs of wanting to help herself then you can slowly let her back in your life. But if she just wants to vent on you then she's not doing herself any favors and she's dragging you into her problems.

    Yes it's good *IF* she's interacting with people, but if she's just going through the motions without making a friend then nothing is changing.

    My opinion.............run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

    rule #3, you need to forgive yourself for feeling like you're abandoning her. You're not. You're saving yourself.
     
  6. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    :ugh:

    no.

    women are no more emotionally unstable than men, it's just that women externalize it while men hide it and try to show a macho face.
     
  7. Ridonkulous1

    Ridonkulous1 New Member

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    I do wanna get away. And if she wasn't such a fun person and a great friend than I would absolutely get away as quickly as possible. A lot of the time it sorta feels like she's holding herself hostage so that we'll help her though. Like she kinda guilts us into being involved by implying that without us she wouldn't be living, stuff like that. It's very hard for me. I've almost given up. My girl friend, who got the brunt of everything, has completely given up. But, I feel like I should be staying supportive, staying positive but not too involved to at least be there for her.
     
  8. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    follow your girl's lead.

    tell this friend she needs to help herself and that you need some time without hearing from her.

    then stop returning her calls, no matter how desperate they are. don't read texts, block her IM, when you get vmail delete it without listening. do this because I guarantee she's going to make a suicidal call within weeks of being cut off as an attempt to exert her control on you. when you don't reply she'll either move on to dump her shit on someone else or she'll get some help.
     

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