SRS Subconsciously dealing with emotions

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by tubachris85x, Oct 20, 2008.

  1. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    Well, Im at it again, apparently. Ive been having an on and off recurring dream. They have all been "okay" and easy for me to manage until the one from last night, which left me for lack of a better word, shaken.

    I hate feeling somewhat like a nut case when it comes to this crap, but I cant seem to shake away some feelings leftover from my first love, no matter how hard I seem to try.

    Basically, what this dream is, of me driving at night someplace, but it's me and a passenger. Its a women, who's face I never see. The only visual thing I can clearly remember, is that it's an average looking female, wearing all red.

    Throughout the car ride, she is challenging me and questioning my actions and judging my first and only relationship. It was constant, I constantly answered and then it would be something else, "why did you do this, how come you did that!?" in a scolding manner. Towards the end of this "dream," I somehow end up sitting somewhere (no longer in the car), the whole area I am in is just black, pitch black, with what appears to be a single spotlight pointing towards me, where I can only see the women standing near me.

    Pause here for a second, before I finish it up. For that past few months, Ive built my own "wall" if you will, a sort of "better then you" type ego when it comes to women. I cant really describe it. I feel it's my only defense to keep myself from getting attached to anyone person I guess, to protect myself from getting hurt, I dont know.

    Going back to the dream. It usually just ended with her asking "why did you love her?", in a more compassionate tone, and that was it. I never answered, well, until last night. I answered, "because she gave me something that I have never truely had in my life; comfort, compassion and the understanding of real love towards me." I know this is getting cheesy as fuck, but this is what really shook me up.

    Almost instantly after saying this, she appears next to me, dosnt say a thing, and just presses my head into her chest and just holds me in manner that was meant to "comfort." Yea, seems kind of stupid, right? Well, the thing that made me feel shaken up, is that I felt it, emotionally. I have never felt so vulnarable before by anything since my ex. I haven't felt this way since then. It was a taste of it. Its hard for me to explain, but if you can comprehend what I am trying to say, then I hope you understand, cause I'm having a hard time myself right now.

    I woke up, and the feeling was, and still is, fresh in my mind. So much so, that I actually almost broke down. All day, Ive just been not myself. If I had to make some sort of sense of it, my best guess is that it is really a reminder of what I really need or want in my life; the feeling of comfort and security.

    Ultimatly, I feel confused and wayward right now about this seemingly insignificant dream. Never in my life have I had this kind of effect from a dream.

    Bah, I dont know what else to say about this. Consider me crazy if you want
     
  2. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

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    Have you ever talked to anyone about your ex? Have you ever sat down and had a deep conversation with one of your friends? your parents? or your relatives?

    It seems like you've been bottling up a lot of emotions from a relationship that you deemed extremely important to you, but you have not let go of. Do you have problems sharing your emotions with other people? Is your relationship with your mother weak or fragile, or non-existent?

    To be honest, sitting here and listening to what you had to say, I could almost conclude that you never really felt close to anyone before. And this girlfriend helped you break that and be close, but it ended up in rejection.

    We all get rejected: it's part of the relationship. I just had a break-up with my last girlfriend, and I was basically told she never really liked me. So, six months of nothing. But ya know what? I understand that, and I know it's time for me to move on and keep on going. You can't dread about the past forever. You need to start looking to the future.

    And don't worry, you are NOT crazy.
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Still think you need to look into the free therapy at your school.
     
  4. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    In all honesty, yes, she was really the only person Ive ever been close to. I love my family as I feel I should, but I am not close to them as other people may be with their families. To make it easier to understand, I feel my ex knows me better then my actual family does.

    Ive tried to talk to someone else, but it just dosnt work or "feel" right. If you knew me in person or me my whole life, I always keep my emotions and deep feelings to myself, unless angry towards something, I never physically show any of these emotions. I just cant, but it was only her that was actually able to get me to actually open up about anything. However, it wasnt enough for her, she felt I was always holding back, when in reality, I just dont know how, making her feel as if I was pushing her away.

    I honestly do not want to have these left over feelings anymore. Ive been masking them with a false ego, and its the only way I know how to keep them from getting to me. I dont feel the "pain" from it, but I certainly remember how it did feel at some point, and what happened in my dream really echoes what I really yearn for.

    Ive always been the "loner' type, small group of friends, thats it, really. Never really followed the crowd, but I'm not a rebel type either. I just do my own thing and always have been.

    I dont like having to talk about my ex, but these subconcious feelings and emotions are remnents from her, and I feel forced to be reminded of that
     
  5. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    I would have been but I havent had anything like this affect me since then. I think I'll be fine now. Just a wake up call, I guess
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :uh: You're not fine. Therapy will help you continuiously work and vent your feelings. You think you'll be fine now but you'll continue to have these depression bouts. Stop being afraid of therapy, you need to open up to people. You said yourself that you've always had a hard time with it.
     
  7. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

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    If you don't have a friend that is willing to sit down and talk with you, I would definitely suggest checking out your school to talk to some kind of psychologist about what you're going through. There is nothing to be ashamed about.

    What you need to do is you need to find someone you're able to sit down with, and explain your deepest, darkest secrets, and be able to trust them enough not to tell anyone. It's hard to find someone like this, but when you do, you will never be able to thank them enough.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Well luckely this is one of the more easier to explain.

    To those who hurt us: we close ourselves.
    To those who love us: we open ourselves.

    Love is a let go in which we expose ourselves in a volunerable way. 9/10 that your dream was not an instance but a spiritual induced one, by an entity who wants to know why you 'solemnly expose yourself only to an 'exlusive' person'. The reason is because you are a 'reserved' person, which you basically described as being a 'loner'. Which isn't 'really true', you are simply a person who doesn't want to go out in the field and 'get hurt' as a result you've build this barrier around you, and only those who are not only compatible with your personality but also who are not out with an intent to hurt you can enter your life.

    These people would be the people that have been good for you , but these people also get a special place in your life like your mother and father, that wouldn't be so much out of the ordinairy , but for a person like you these people almost have like 'shrines' in your heart. So a little bit more about the woman in your dream.

    Faceless spirits are that because they are covered by negative experiences, not necessarily because they are negative entities themselves.

    A core principal in the spirit world is that you have to love everyone in an equal manner. Your incredible exclusive and almost nitpicking preferences into whom you love have sparked this spirit into asking you a ton of questions on why and where this exclusive behaviour of yours comes from. It basically stems from 'self protection' and because your world is so 'tiny'.

    So there's basically 3 important things you need to learn.

    You need to be like a castle gate closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy into your castle they will only end up destroying it(even if its family), and leaving you crying over the ruins.From there you can keep on crying, or rebuild your life, i advice you to rebuild your life.

    The only thing you learn from being introvert is that you need to be extravert,living a life as a hermit is wrong because Introvertism is a path towards lonelyness, at one point the lonelyness would become so bad you would be screaming for company anyway, so you want to steer away from leading a lifestyle like that.

    Expand your world: You're missing out A LOT in life, if you don't put yourself out there in the field, although it is true that you won't receive love by hugging thornbushes, life is more like going thru a minefield, where you try not to get blown up by bad experiences and try to reach the finish line.

    The meaning of life is love everyone and everything. Although it is good to be exclusively 'the one' for your special loved one, and stay 100% loyal to that loved one, try to expand your 'general love' towards more people and more positive constructive things. The life of an introvert loner is particular in that it is a lifestyle that is lead in order to shield and protect themselves from hurt from the 'outside world'. But reality is that you can't live in a box forever, you're just stopping your own physical and even more important spiritual progress. I urge to stop the loner lifestyle, not because its anything against you, but because you can't grow with a 'living inside of a box' lifestyle.
     
  9. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    Thanks :hs:

    Just got alot more going on then I really thought.

    As for seeing a therapist, Im not sure yet. Its not because I'm afraid, but I dont think I can or will be able to automatically open up to him/her. Ive realized I can only speak so much, and then keep the deeper stuff to myself.

    As for what you say about "expanding your love" to everyone....I havent said anything about this yet, but I feel its more relevent then anything else to say it.

    Lately, Ive been having a weird feeling to find another girl, for more the reasons of what this topic is about. Not only am I seeking this form of "comfort," but I have a yearning to be able to just be a sort of "protector" or a sort of "hero" to a girl. I cant describe as to why, I just do feel that way. Saying this aloud only sounds kinda of cheesy and stupid. I guess for a lack of better word to describe this, I want to be a "chivalrous" man (I feel that word is overused for somereason..)

    But thats how Ive honestly felt this past month, really. I guess Ive just been watching too many animes lately which show this type of person, but who knows.

    As for the dating thing, Im not going to try anymore. Im just going to live and see if my fate allows another love in my life.
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Which is why you need to goooooooooo. You are afraid, that is why you keep making excuses. If you never really open up you'll always be a ball of stress, depression and nerves. Therapists also aren't supposed to know you like a book within one session, it takes time for them to figure you out, the same way it will take a long time for a 19 year old who has repressed everything to finally let go and share things.
     
  11. stryfe101

    stryfe101 New Member

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    I say go to a therapist man, its helping me...I've been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist... the psychiatrist in 20 minutes figured out I was bi-polar and explained moments I've had in my life with great clarity...the therapist is helping me with codependency and my self image. I'm finally starting to realize my ex is crazy, and i'm not the bad person she made me out to be...and that I miss the love, not her...anyway get help man, it will make you better off..now if I can just stop thinking about it all the time..

    Gray
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Aww, I'm so glad you are going and are having good results :hs:
     
  13. RogerThat

    RogerThat New Member

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    The big question here is: How is your relationship with your mother?
     
  14. stryfe101

    stryfe101 New Member

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    you talking about me or the op?

    actually my mom died 2 years ago...never really got to deal with it either, I guess one of these days I will...after I get thru dealing with the loss of my first love..and many other things..

    Gray
     
  15. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    I honestly dont know how to respond.

    My relationship with my mother is alright I guess. We aren't close, but we aren't too distant from each other. I just never have been the "family type." If you want me to expand on it, I guess the only thing that my parents clearly have done, has always placed me "2nd" to my brother. Perhaps, you can say my lack of closeness with my family is because of this reason alone.
     
  16. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    I guess I have another possible reason for this kind of "experience" that may have be initiated it. I didnt want to say this before, but its that I know for a fact that I will have to see my ex again in person.

    For those who dont know, I was in an LDR, in which she left me shortly after visiting her. I'll spare the details, but later found out she cheated on me the week prior.

    Its really been bugging me, I guess it's really because the last thing she said to me in person, when I was leaving to go home, was "I'll be waiting here for you." Ive been thinking about this alot lately because Ive started realize that I will have to deal with her in person again.

    The reason for this, is because we met in an orchestra, to which both of us have strong relations to. We've been asked to even staff trips and the like when we are around. I know that I'll be attending a few concerts and the end of the year banquets, etc. One thing I am pretty sure about, is that my mother is still talking to my ex's mom, because both are volunteering to help the orchestra's organizational stuff.

    Its hard because I know the director's and head staff dont really know about the break up. We were in a way considered the "model" couple with them there, aside from my former, and extremly sexist female brass band director. Another thing thats going to hurt is that I made a good friend. He is only in the 6th grade, but incredibly mature, you would think he was in his mid teens. He always looked up to me and her while there. From what Ive heard, he dosnt have many friends in and out of school, so he really took a liking to us. Several times, he and his family tried to have us vacation with them at their place in the Key's. I know he'll be able to understand when I see him again, but its not going to be easy telling him that we are no longer together.

    So, its not a matter of "if," just "when." I guess I'm just doing this to myself
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2008
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Still against going and seeing a therapist?
     
  18. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    Honesty, in a way, yes. Its not because I necessarily dont want to, I have more things I have to worry about, then this. This seems to only come about while Im completly alone and able to just think to myself. Its just not as big of a problem in my life right now in comparison to my responsibilities

    Granted, Im able to talk about this here, but in reality, Im not sitting here going mad. If it gets to that point (which I doubt it will) then I'll make an effort to get my sorry ass to one. My primary reasons right now are:
    -Financial
    -School
    -Time

    Another thing is that I dont want to have to explain to ANYONE why Im seeing a therapist...
     
  19. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Then you never would :dunno: I'm in the process of finding a new therapist. I'm not sitting here going crazy or depressed ripping my hair out, I just love that I can go once a week to talk about the issues deep down that I see really effect my actions and decisions with a completely unbiased, unjudging person :dunno:
     
  20. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

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    You're still scared :p

    If you are in college, most colleges have therapists on campus, for free, to the students. As well, they work around your schedule: if you have a lot to do one week, they can push it back to another week.

    And you don't have to explain to anyone why you are seeing someone: it's hard to get through problems on your own. It's not as bad as it seems.

    But i'm not trying to pressure you into it. If you don't want to do it, don't let us tell you what you need to do. You know you better than we do and it's up to you to figure out how you want to solve this.
     

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