SRS Stuck. (Pretty long read methinks)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by EvaPrototype, Mar 16, 2006.

  1. EvaPrototype

    EvaPrototype New Member

    Dec 13, 2004
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    Durham, NC
    So, I guess I'll start out with some history.

    I was a damned bright kid, if I don't say so myself. Top of the class in pretty much everything until around third grade. At that time, I discovered that I was brighter than everyone in the class. I could ace tests without studying or doing homework, and I could multitask pretty effectively. Listening to what teachers were saying (and actually soaking it in) and doing something else entirely became a specialty of mine. In the later years of elementary school, my grades started slipping due to homework being a requirement. I really didn't feel like doing any of it. This trend continued through high school, but somehow I managed to squeek through with a 3.7-ish GPA. I only had one extra-curricular activity, marching band, through which I gained a decent circle of friends and girls to mess around with.

    And so the female fun begins. I meet a girl, Christine, and what ensues from that point on I define as my downfall. We dated seriously for a year, and I was firmly convinced that I could find nothing better. She was beautiful, and in my eyes at the time, nothing mattered more. When college approached, she wanted to break things off, and I feverishly tried to keep us together, including going to a college that was a mere 20 minutes from her school. Looking back, this was the worst possible thing for both of us, as she wanted to be young, party, and hookup with boys, and I wanted to meet other girls. But I was so dependant on the relationship, that I fought for a year and a half after that to keep her. I completely dismissed her hooking up with other guys under my nose, and week breaks and such. (I was no angel, don't let me lead you to believe that. I hooked up with a bunch of girls during that time.) I coped with alcohol, and my grades slipped further into oblivion. Still, in my sophomore year at college, we ended up getting an apartment together with her brother and his girlfriend. Things ended quickly after that, when I discovered my "best friend" of the time in bed with her!

    I didn't know what to do. It seemed as if the two people in my life that I thought I cared most about were colluding to bring about my demise. I grabbed everything that I had, threw it all in my car, and drove home. I got a job at home working for a vacuum-coating company that I loved. Shortly after, the company went bankrupt, and I lost my job. I spent the next six months wallowing in my own misery. I stayed at my parents' house, leaching off of their money and living space, and tried to rebuild what I once had. Eventually, through the help of my friends, I recovered enough to get a mediocre retail job at Pepboys. Within a year, I moved over to a drafting position working for a local surveyor. I snagged a new girlfriend, Sheri, and stayed in that status quo for two years. Eventually, things degraded with Sheri, who was several years younger than me (I was 23 at the time, she was 20) because I was a settle-down type and she was ready to go out and enjoy life. I accepted that and just continued on.

    A few months later, I met Chrissie. Things were very, very different with her. She was a Bio-inorganic chemist at a big name college. She was convinced that I was smarter than I lead on, and that going back to school was the best thing I could possibly do. I thought, "what the hell?" and took a chance. I applied for my old college and got re-admitted. A semester went by. The whole thing was a frivolous disaster. I had a tiny apartment 20 minutes drive from the school (the last possible place I could find), I didn't have a job (I survived from selling parts off my broken Nissan 240SX), I barely got to all my class work. I had taken a full courseload of 19 credits, and all the classes I had interest in (Chemistry II, Physics III, et c) I did well in, but the rest of my classes I just did not apply myself to, and recieved poor marks in. I blamed it on the area (Newark NJ is not a fun place to be) instead of what it really was: a lack of motivation on my part.

    So I senselessly took on another frivolous disaster. I moved to NC to be closer to Chrissie. She is the most caring, supportive person I have ever met, and I thought, "Hey, maybe it'd be a good idea to be there." Well, right this instant, I'm here. I have a job working for a civil engineering company, I practically live with her, and I'm not in school. I hang out with her friends (besides one of my buddies from high school that goes to her college; we mountain bike and watch movies pretty regularly). I have resumed my status quo from before.

    And I absolutely hate it. I cannot stand that I'm happy with mediocre. I want to move on and do something amazing with my life, and be someone important that achieves great things. But at the same time, I feel like I'm contained by my past on all sides, that I'm stuck with what I've made of my life. It's very hard for me to go out and do things for myself, even simple things. I needed to start applying for colleges down here, and it took severe poking and prodding from Chrissie to even begin the process. I feel like I need a jump start to get going, and there's nothing providing one. I know it needs to come from within, but I feel like there's nothing there. So I teeter in and out of depression, caught knowing that there is something better for me out there, and feeling unable to do anything about it.

    Thanks for reading...I really don't know what I expect to get out of this...

  2. EmiB

    EmiB New Member

    Nov 7, 2005
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    That was an interesting read.

    Man you are doing good hella good... but its for you to realize.

    But back to the topic.. dude you have a skill and dont let it go to waste. Forget everything else for 4 years and just get your ass to school. That four years of sacrifice will pave the road for you in the future. After that if you wanna go sky diving, or bang dirty sluts, or just drink a lot of beers, you can allow yourself to do that...

    Best of luck to you :)
  3. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    You sound like my brother. I wish I had more to offer you but you are right, the only person that can motivate you is you. My brother hates working and was 24 living at home jobless for nearly a year. He was even hanging out with kids who are 18 years old because they were more like him as far as their situation (just out of High School, minimum wage jobs, just looking to have fun) so he felt he fit in better. That's my guess. Finally my dad had to pull some strings and got him a great job at Charter where he has the opportunity to make 50-60 grand a year and he finally is actually motivating himself to keep going. It took a big carrot to get him going.

    If you hate you life, change it. You are not obligated to be where you are or with who you are with. If you want to change something to make your life better, then do it. Otherwise you WILl be miserable.

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